you might wanna watch the vids at the beginning of each chapter...cuz it's going to be related with the chapter.

------

letter 1: based on this video

video credits:  arashisukiii2@youtube 

Hyung,

I really didn't want to write this...

It makes me feel pathetic.

But yesterday, I got negative evaluation again from our psychologist session, yeah...I know you know it.

And he told me that I have too many bottled-up feelings that hinder me from giving my best on stage. You know how I'm always scolded by our trainers for messing up my raps, even from our trainee days right? Am I really that bad?

Sigh.

 

He told me to take on a method to let out my feelings, like writing diary.

What made him think I'd agree to resort to something as lame as that?

I felt so mad, that I didn't even let him finish and just stormed out...to where you're seated pristinely with the others who waited for their turn, even though you're done with your session; always the supportive hyung that you are.

I tried to fake my famous smirk to not worry anyone, and said I was going out to grab a coke. 

But the moment I was out of that space, even before I could let the brave front faltered, I felt a hand on my shoulder. 

 

"Are you alright?"

 

Your hand, hyung. Your voice. 

My overwhelming emotions got the better of me, and I couldn't even turn to face you. I only nodded. 

But you understood better.

 

"It's okay. You will get better result next time. Don't be sad, okay." 

 

I felt your tender, warm palm, firmly caressing my shoulder. Your soft, calming voice gently breezed into my ears, and then you left to return inside the waiting lounge, rejoining the others.

Right then and there, I knew I had to change. I need to do something to improve myself for the next psychologist session so that you wouldn't be disapppointed in me.

I decided to take the doctor's advice, but instead of writing to a pathetic lifeless diary, I'll write to someone who actually means something to me. 

 

You. 

 

 

Although I'm not sure if I'd ever find the courage to actually hand my letter to you.

 

 

-----------

 

 

And so...

This is my first letter to you.

What should I write.......aishhh, I'm nervous, and this whole letter-writing is kind of, annoying. I was hoping for an inspiration, sitting out at the balcony of our company's building.

Then I saw something in the sky. Something that immediately sparked off that inspiration I was looking for.

 

Fireworks.

Or as you called it, hanabi.

 

 

Whenever I see fireworks, I would smile to myself.

When there's no fireworks for too long, I feel so empty that I ended up buying some, yet always found myself chicken out from actually setting it off.

You know the reason for my reaction towards fireworks, don't you? Nah, I guess not.

When I see fireworks, I always think of you.

When I see you though, I just see you. Haha.

 

Hyung, 

You know why fireworks mean so much to me right?

You're the one who gave meaning to such a display.

If it's not for you, I'd probably never notice such beauty of sparkling lights in the night sky and how deep the meaning could be.

Such beauty that can enarmour me and make me lost in incomprehensible thoughts,

such beauty inferior to you. (Hyung, I'd die if you see this. Yahhhh!!! What am I writing?)

 

But why didn't you ask me to join you guys when you went to watch the fireworks that one time in Japan?

How could you left with Kevin hyung and Taehun?

Leaving me to only watch it in videocam?

Don't I worth anything to you? (No, I'm just kidding hyung. I know you cared for me, for everyone in fact. I just wished you'd care for me, even more than for anyone else)

If only I knew you guys were going out, I'd have come along, even without you asking me to join.

 

But it's alright hyung.

When you came back and told me about the fireworks while we're all lying on our own beds, and everyone else were already asleep, you made me feel so special.

The way you describe the shapes and colours of the fireworks was just like a child describing about his new toy.

You sounded so happy, and I made you promised to take me along next time you're going to watch fireworks.

Do you remember that promise?

Or have you forgotten it the moment you woke up from sleep the next morning?

 

The next day when we got into the van for our concert practice, you had no idea how irritated I was at Kwanghee hyung. Again, you know the reason right? Maybe not.

He's always hogging all of you to himself.

 

Normally, when Hyungsikkie try to steal your food like what he did in the van - stealing your takoyaki, I'd be so pissed off that I would just wanted to punch him in the mouth. But for some reason, I felt thankful for him and manager hyung for bringing up the talks about takoyaki during the journey. Because it made you moved away from Kwanghee hyung.

Honestly, I think Kwanghee hyung is such a lucky guy to always be able to show his affection for you so openly. Okay, so maybe he's not lucky. He just have more courage than I do. Should I open up myself more and show my feelings more openly so that I can be closer to you, like Kwanghee hyung? Will you be afraid of me if I do? Will you avoid me then?

 

I'm scared hyung.

I know I always mess up and end up making people misunderstand of my real intentions or feelings. That's why people always look at me as the troublesome mean guy.

Will you misunderstand my heart, too?

 

 

Hyung, this letter has gotten so long....and I should really stop soon before anyone comes looking for me and sees what I'm doing.

Uhh....till next time I guess...