Jaemin POV

 

"No! Absolutely not! That's out of the question, Jaemin. That is far too dangerous."

“Hyuuuuung, pleeeeaaaseeee, trust me. Imagine it works. I would go down in history. I would be the first,” I pleaded with my coach.

“Jaemin, does your health mean nothing to you? If you injure yourself in the process, you not only risk a medal, but also your career."

Taeyong looked at me seriously and crossed his arms over his chest. "Why is it so important to you to be the first to stand a quadruple Axel?"

“Because the timing would be perfect. I'm young, I've already gained a lot for my age. There is not so much left that I can achieve. An Olympic victory and a quadruple Axel are all I could wish for. I would make Eomma so proud of me."

My coach sighed softly and skated over to me. He grabbed my shoulders and stared into my eyes. "No! I can't let that happen. Your foot is still injured. One wrong step and you will not be able to skate for months. Every jump and landing exert enormous forces on your foot. Taeil is also against it, as is Jungwoo. Besides, your brother will kill me if something happens to you."

I shook Taeyong's hands off my shoulders in annoyance. "Do I not know best what I can handle and what not?"

"Apparently not, otherwise you wouldn't come up with ideas like that," Taeyong growled. “And we won't discuss it anymore. Tomorrow night is the opening ceremony, and you still haven't decided on a free program. You should think about that first, before you can even get the idea to try risky jumps."

“You all treat me like a child who doesn't know what it wants and what it can do. I'm turning 22 damn it. Stop mothering me," I snapped at my coach and skated away from him. I've had enough for today. My muscles ached from the long training and the numerous falls that had happened to me during that training day. Unfortunately, I had to admit that this day was the worst in a long time. I wasn't into it and that was something I couldn't allow myself to do right before the competition. But the fact that Jeno was in the country and could see and recognize me worried me. In the last few years, I had tried to get him out of my head and heart with little to no success. Most of the time I only managed to do this during training times and competitions that I didn't think about him. However, when I did my freestyle on emotional songs, my heart ached so much that my memories of him influenced my dance. And with my emotional chirp, I won most of the competitions. Ironically, my love for the princes helped me succeed. Lovesickness was an obstacle and a painful experience for everyone. It was and still was a painful experience for me, but I was able to turn this suffering into success. However, these success stories brought only brief bliss. When the initial joy of victory had subsided, the heaviness settled on my heart. Over the years I had learned to be a good actor. Not to let it show what it looked like deep inside me. For the public, for all the fans, I was the always smiling Jaemin. They saw me as kind-hearted and loving, gentle and considerate, polite and honest, ambitious and fair. I wish I could agree with them on all of these points. Was I really kind-hearted and honest when I was the one who left his first great love without a word? Was I really fair if I hadn't even given him an explanation why it was better that we didn't see each other?

Most days I felt disgusted with myself.

I hoped Jeno had found someone new. Someone who suited him better. Someone he could show in public without being judged by the people. We lived in the 21st century, but a gay prince ... that was too much for Korea. I hoped that I was just a phase for Jeno and that he could still fall in love with a woman. It would definitely be better for him.

And on the other hand, I hoped that he was still thinking of me and waiting for me, to love me as much as I loved him, because I wasn't a phase after all. I was selfish that I hoped so. But what should I do? I fell in love with a prince and that was the price I paid for it. Jeno was my first boyfriend and still the last to this day. I hold on to my career because it was the only thing that could distract me from him. But at some point, even this was over, and I feared that I had reached that point in no time.

Now he was here, and there was a chance he would see and recognize me. He could ignore this fact or come up to me and ask me to explain. Both options were his right and, to be honest, I didn't know which I preferred. Of course, Jeno deserved an explanation, but whether he would understand why I had to do all of this was uncertain. But about one thing, I was sure. I would tell him the truth if he wanted to know. That would take an emotional burden off my shoulders that I had been dragging with me for over two years. It was questionable whether I would feel better afterwards.

"Go home! We'll talk more while driving to Pyeongchang. Take a rest and try to clear your head. And put some ice on your ankle”, Taeyong tore me from my thoughts, in which I was deeply absorbed. Apparently, I had that absent expression on my face again, which always told others that my thoughts were elsewhere.

I nodded silently and skated off the ice. In the locker room I changed quickly and tried to avoid Taeyongs worried looks. Thank Goodness, I was here in my own car and didn't have to rely on him to drive me home.

 

At home, however, I was cornered by my big brother. "Taeyong wasn't happy with you today."

“Nice greeting, Hyung. I'm fine thank you. And how are you?" I wasn’t surprised that my coach had called my brother.

"Jaemin!"

"Jaehyun!", I mocked his tone and carelessly threw my training bag in the corner of the entrance area.

“He's worried about you. You were absent-minded today, but you insist on jumping a quadruple Axel in competition. What's wrong with you? You're not so unreasonable otherwise."

"What's wrong with me?" I asked annoyed and pushed past him to get into the kitchen.

"Since last night you've been making a face as if Cotton had been taken from you."

"Nobody can take Cotton away from me," I hissed angrily. When it came to my dog, I wasn’t kidding. I got Cotton from Jaehyun when we moved back to Seoul. He knew that Samoyed were my favourite dogs and he had believed that he could cheer me up with him. What he had not suspected was that Cotton had made me sadder at the beginning than that he could cheer me up, because he always reminded me of Jeno. I'd never made that connection while dating Jeno, but suddenly I noticed that my ex-boyfriend looked like a Samoyed when he smiled. But in the end, I fell really quickly in love with Cotton and he became my loyal companion, whom I loved more than anything. "Where's Cotton?"

“Jisung went for a walk with him. We didn't expect you so early. Has something happened? Please talk with me. Trust me Nana, I am your manager, but first and foremost, I am your big brother.” Jaehyun looked desperate, almost as if he was doubting his abilities as a manager and brother.

It was pointless to lie to my brother. He knew me too well so I shouldn't try. He was also the only one who knew about my relationship with Jeno. After all, he had known him as my boyfriend back then in Vancouver. However, to this day he did not know that Jeno was one of the Princes of Korea and still believed that I broke up with him because I chose figure skating over him. I kept this secret to myself to this day. But I knew that after two and a half years it was time to confide in him because I urgently needed his advice.

I sighed softly and ran a hand through my messy black hair. "Can we talk, Hyung?" I should take advantage of Jisungs absence. I shouldn't worry my little brother with my miserable love life.

Jaehyun felt that what I wanted to get rid of was serious. With his warm hand on my back, he silently led me from the kitchen into the living room. We sat on the couch and, anticipating he looked at me. His unspeakable talent was that he always managed to calm me down with his serene manner without doing anything special. He just sat next to me, breathing calmly in and out and massaging my neck with his hand. "Take your time, I'll wait."

I shook my head and closed my eyes. "It's okay, I'm just thinking about where to start."

"Is it such a big deal that upsets you?"

"Yes, for me it is," I breathed. "My feelings are quite all over the place."

"Okay," my brother mumbled confused, and I didn't blame him for being irritated about my behaviour.

“It's Jeno. He's here and I'm scared of running into him and on the other side I really want to see him,” I muttered before clearing my throat. "You should know that there is more to it than you now suspect."

"Ooookay, what did he do to you?"

“Jeno didn't do anything to me. He was the best first boyfriend I could have wished for, Hyung,” I quickly reassured my brother before he began to believe he had to go on a revenge fight. "It was me who wasn't fair to him."

"What do you mean?"

“I never broke up with him, Hyung. I just ghosted and blocked him. And I didn't do that because I chose figure skating and believed he would only hinder my way back into the top 10. I left him and my life behind in Vancouver because I found out what HE had kept from me."

"So, he did something after all," Jaehyun burst out angrily. "He lied to you."

"No, no, no," I shook my head in panic. “Keeping a secret is not lying, Hyung. And I can kind of understand why he did it. His reasons for this were certainly justified. We haven't been together very long and maybe he would have told me the truth at some point. But whether I would have stayed with him after that ... I don't know whether I could have carried this burden."

“Jaemin, get to the point. It all sounds like he's the offspring of a mafia boss. Although ... he was rich, wasn't he? Is his family involved in illegal business? Did he somehow put you in danger?"

"Your imagination is shocking, Hyung," I snorted. “Yes, he is rich. And he's the offspring of a very important, respected person. He's the prince, Jaehyun. The little brother of Prince Doyoung."

"Wh-wha-what?" Jaehyun stammered. “Why didn't we recognize him? I mean, I knew there were two princes, but ... "

“Jeno didn't want to be in public. What I found out was that when he was 15, he moved to Shanghai to go to boarding school. The last photo of him had appeared shortly before. I had seen this photo and recognized him and ... I was shocked and I ... was scared. I was never mad with him that he kept it from me. He wanted to lead a normal life, go unrecognized and I would have ruined his wish if I'd stayed with him and skated again. You know the attention I've drawn since I won the first title after my break. I've been constantly on the move, since then. I've been traveling from competition to competition and training non-stop. My base became Seoul, and he was in Vancouver. We could hardly have seen each other, if at all. The relationship would have been doomed either way. And imagine it would have come out that I was in a relationship with the prince. For me as an athlete in my field, that I'm pan is not a big deal. But Jeno is gay. The Korean prince is gay. What a stir that would have caused."

"You wanted to protect him," stated my brother.

“Him and my heart as well. Hyung, I kept something from him too. He didn't know I was a professional figure skater. He thought I would just visit Ji in Seoul and come back. I screwed up, didn't I? He will see me at the Olympics and know that I lied to him."

"Didn't you say earlier that keeping silent is not always lying?"

“Hyung, he witnessed my nervous breakdown while trying to skate with me and I couldn't tell him the whole truth. I played it down. And he was so understanding and kind to me.” I started to cry. "I didn't deserve him from the first second."

"Oh Nana, don't say that." Jaehyun pulled me into his strong arms and patted my head. "Was Jeno ever interested in figure skating?"

"Not when we were together," I sobbed. "But what do I know, after all, I only knew him 5 months before I decided to go into hiding."

“If he's not interested in your sport, then he won't watch the competition either. If he's even watching one. Maybe he's only coming to the opening ceremony because he has to. If he really wanted to lead a normal life, as you believe, he doesn't do it voluntarily."

"I'm carrying the flag," I muttered. "If he recognizes me there ..."

"... he must have good eyesight," he interrupted me.

“He wears glasses ... wore glasses. I don't know if he didn't have his eyes lasered. But there will be large monitors on which you will see our arriving. All cameras will be on me."

“And if he sees you, what's the worst that could happen? Ignore you? Confront you? He doesn't really have a right to be angry with you, after all, he has kept something important from you. In a relationship you shouldn't be silent about anything. You both have built your relationship wrongly. Secrets are toxic! You said you understand why he didn't trust you. If you explain to him why you acted the way you did, he may understand. If not, it's his loss. But you can at least have a closure."

A scratching on the front door announced the arrival of our little brother with my dog. Cotton was always very impatient when the door wasn't opened for him quickly enough. I sat up straight and wiped my tears away with the sleeve of my sweater. Thanks to Cotton's scratching on the door as an advance warning and Jisung's slothfulness, I had enough time to quickly disappear into the bathroom and freshen up my face, because I didn't want to tell Jisung about my ex-boyfriend yet.

I just hoped that Jeno didn't recognize me immediately tomorrow and that I had some time left. Maybe I was lucky, after all, I had changed a little too. He knew me with light blue hair, most of which I hadn't styled, and which hung on my face all the time. Now I wore my hair black and always neatly styled. I was still wearing make-up on pictures in magazines and during competitions and interviews. I was mainly called Nana instead of Na Jaemin. I never gave Jeno my family name. So maybe …. Maybe he actually had no idea that he might see me again tomorrow.

Despite talking to Jaehyun, I still didn't know what I preferred. Ignorance or confrontation.

 

 

**

 

Jeno POV

 

“I can't believe you slept a whole day and claim that you are still tired. What's wrong with you?"

"Ever heard of jet lag," I mumbled before putting a spoonful of cornflakes in my mouth.

My cousin just raised his eyebrows. “Yes, of course, I would say that too. What's really going on, Jeno-yah?"

Sighing, I put my spoon aside and pushed the almost empty bowl away from me. It was immediately cleared away by a servant. "I don't want to be here."

“Don't you like your family anymore? Do we mean nothing to you any longer? What about me? Am I no longer your friend that you like to be around?” Donghyuck sounded hurt and that was the last thing I wanted. Especially because that's not what I meant.

"No no no. I didn't mean it that way. Of course, you mean everything to me, and I love you bro. You are almost closer to me than Doyoung. And believe me, I really miss you when I'm in Canada."

"You don't get in touch with me very often. So why should I believe you," my cousin snorted and poked with his fork in his scrambled eggs.

"You might as well contact me more often and not just wait for me," I defended myself.

Donghyuck rolled his eyes and continued to eat calmly. "Then how did you mean it? Light me up, oh great prince."

"That's it. I am the prince here. Later all eyes will be on me. I can bet your that I'll be more interesting to the press than Doyoung, because they'll be able to photograph me at an official date for the first time in years."

"Hey! Why my ?” Donghyuck complained.

“I like mine too much. It looks really y in black jeans or leather trousers,” I grinned at him cheekily.

"I can't even say anything about that," he sighed.

I ignored him and went on to explain why I was uncomfortable being the centre of attention. “Over the years I have hide so many things from people. First and foremost, Mark. What if he watches the opening ceremony and recognizes me? And if he doesn't see it right away, someone at the university who recognized me will certainly ask him about it."

"You owe many an explanation," my cousin shrugged. "I've been telling you for ages to tell the truth."

"I wish I'd at least told Jaemin," I sighed ruefully.

"Jaemin? Your ex or whatever he is after flying back to Korea and ghosting you? Maybe it's better that you never told him. Who knows what he would have done with that knowledge? Stupid that I had never met him personally, otherwise I would have beat him up myself."

"You can't even harm a mosquito," I muttered. “And maybe he never ghosted me on purpose. I'm pretty sure he was in love with me. So why should he just never come back to me if something hadn't happened or something."

Donghyuck looked at me thoughtfully and chewed on his lower lip. "You think something happened to him?"

I shook my head quickly. "No, I do not think so. Otherwise, his brother would have contacted me to let me know. Jaemin must have had a reason why he left me."

"I know we've talked about it before, but why don't you hire a private detective to find him?"

“Because it doesn't feel right to sniff after someone. I couldn't even give the detective the last name. Isn't that sad? I was with the love of my life for 3 months and didn't even know his last name. There are several Jaemins in this world and I had to fall in love with the one who has no social media."

“Are you sure he doesn't have any? Have you ever tried to google? Maybe he just said he didn't have one, so you wouldn't stalk him," Hyuck doubted my ex-boyfriend and somehow that didn't sit well with me. I did not want him to see Jaemin in a bad light. No matter what happened between me and my ex, Jaemin was never a bad person. He seemed to have kept as secrets from me as I did from him. But he wasn't a bad person after all.

“Leave it alone, Hyuck. I should just get over him. I've waited two and a half years. Despite everything, I loved him for two and a half years. And I will probably continue to love him for a while, but I have to let go of him," I mumbled sadly and stared at my lap where I had put my hands and played with my fingers.

"Why did you hold onto him for so long anyway?" He asked softly, patting my head.

"He was my first, Hyuck," I breathed, looking up at him. "In particular. First date, first kiss, first boyfriend, first ...”

"First heartbreak", my cousin finished my sentence.

"I could have done without that," I snorted and rolled my eyes. “But okay, enough sentimentality for today. We will be picked up for Pyeongchang in an hour. My parents and Doyoung won't be pleased if we don't look presentable by then."

My cousin made a face. “We have winter jackets on anyway. As if you can see something of the outfit."

“I can't afford to go wrong, Hyuck. So, help me put on some makeup. I never do that in Canada, but it is important here and you have a knack for it."

"Whatever," he groaned and followed me into my bedroom, which was offered to me in Doyoung's apartment, to help me prepare for the general public. After all, all eyes were on me today. If I came back for the first time in six years, it was with a bang.

 

*

 

It went exactly as I expected, and I found myself caught in a flash of flashlights. My appearance came as a surprise to many. Apparently, no one expected that I would come specially for the Olympics. I was uncomfortable with all that attention, and I was relieved that I was wearing a black mask and just showing them my eyes. Although my family and I were surrounded by bodyguards and I could feel Johnny right behind me, I was hiding a little behind my big brother, who was used to all of this. Only when we were sitting in the stands in the VIP area did I take off my mask. I sat between my mother and my brother. Behind me sat Donghyuck with my aunt. The fact that I was surrounded by my family made me feel a little more secure. I knew that my quiet, unrecognized life would come to an end after this evening.

It seemed to me that all the spectators' eyes were on our stands. Of course, I just imagined it, but my anxiety told me so. I sat bolt upright in my seat and looked rigid. Something I always did when I wasn't comfortable in a situation. Donghyuck massaged the back of my neck unnoticed while my brother put his hand on my knee and leaned closer to speak to me calmly.

"Are you okay, Jen?"

"Could be better," I whispered. “I feel like everyone is staring at me and judging me. Am I still called The Runaway Prince?"

“No, they are over that. The ceremony is about to start, no one will pay any attention to you. The show is supposed to be very good. And once the teams begin to walk in, they are busy cheering."

"Do you think so?"

“Hyung is right, Jen. You are not as important and interesting as you think," my cousin teased me and he was lucky that I feared that a camera might be pointed at me, otherwise he would have caught a flick of fingers on his forehead from me.

My brother was right, and the show started on time. I tried to relax a bit and also talked to my mother. We joked and laughed, marvelled at the show and I actually forgot for a short time that I was being filmed. I was reminded when my cell phone started vibrating like crazy in my jacket pocket. I didn't have to look to know who was bombarding me with messages. Only two people in my direct environment did that, and since one of them was sitting behind me, it could only be Mark. But he had to wait. Never in my life could I check my cell phone unnoticed. If I were caught doing this, it would be unprofessional and disrespectful. So, I let it vibrate in my pocket.

The speeches that followed were boring. Even the one of my father the king's. I've never been a fan of dry speech, but all of that was something official and full of prestige.

It only became more interesting for me when the athletes marched into the stadium. Fascinated, I admired all the flags and their clothes. Some outfits were really questionable when it came to fashion. The games were attended by athletes from countries I had never heard of and athletes from countries that I wasn't sure if they had ever seen snow in their life.

It felt like forever before it was our country's turn. At least my , which was already aching from sitting for a long time, thought it would be an eternity. Our athletes were dressed in black and white winter clothing. Black pants and white quilted jacket. The audience cheered louder than before. I heard girls cry out in delight and how they kept calling a name, as if they were at a concert. This totally confused me. Na Jaemin! Na Jaemin! Na Jaemin! Nana! Nana! Nana!

Just the name Jaemin made me prick up my ears and when my gaze wandered to one of the huge screens, Donghyuck hit me on my shoulder at the same time. He saw the same as me. At the head of the Korean athletes, a young, black-haired man carried the national flag. A young man whose face I would recognize anytime and anywhere. The face that I had touched and covered with kisses so often. The face with the most captivating smile in the world and the most beautiful eyes in which I was allowed to look.

"Jeno," breathed Donghyuck behind me, grabbed my shoulders and shook me roughly out of my stupor.

Oh god, my heart hadn't been beating as fast in the last few years as it was at this moment. It threatened to jump out of my chest. I wanted to laugh, I wanted to cry. I wanted to yell at him and kiss him. I wanted to take him in my arms and never let go. But I didn't do any of that. Instead, I sat petrified and stared at the screen.

"Na Jaemin," I breathed his name. "Na! So, your name is Na. Na Jaemin!” His name rolled so wonderfully over my lips. Talented, fast Jaemin.

"Hyung", I burst out when I remembered that Doyoung had found out about the athletes from our country in advance. “Na Jaemin, who is he? What is he doing?"

"Na Jaemin? The flag bearer? He is our greatest hope for a gold medal. At the moment nobody is better than him."

"In what, Hyung? In what?” I asked impatiently. After all, I had to know which competition to go to.

My brother frowned, confused by my outburst. "Figure skating. Why?"

Figure skating? Especially that? None of that made sense. He was having panic attacks. I stared at Doyoung with wide, disbelieving eyes. "Hyung, Na Jaemin is MY Jaemin."

My brother opened his eyes and gasped for air. "Jeno-yah, are you sure?"

I nodded slowly and pressed my lips together.

"Okay ... okay ... we'll find a way for you to talk to him. Please hold on for the last half hour," he asked me, and I sighed heavily.

I never would have thought that half an hour could be so long. Doyoung found out pretty quickly that Jaemin had gone straight back to Seoul and did not initially live in the Olympic Village. But he promised to find out where I could meet him in Seoul. This gave me a little more time to find out more about him. After all, I now had a full name that I could google. In one of the VIP rooms, sealed off from prying eyes, I first took the opportunity to answer Mark's messages, which consisted almost entirely of a whirlwind of letters in caps lock. Only two messages were readable:

- BRO, SINCE WHEN HAVE YOU BEEN A PRINCE? YOU ARE A ING PRINCE!

And

- Why is Jaemin carrying a flag?

My answers were simple:

- Always, sorry for keeping it a secret

And

- I don’t ing know

"I think we still have a lot to do tonight," Donghyuck burst into the room.

"What do you mean?"

“There are a ton of videos on YouTube of your honey bunch. I already checked how famous he is and Jen, he's the ing Ice Prince of the whole damn world."

Oh well, sleep was overrated anyway.