Tick—Tock—Tick—Tock— 

The tip of my brush touches the white surface. The first was the birth of others that will form the chain of life in this white empty world. The images I want to share are clear, I need to pour them down. Creating a perfect and colorful world that can pull anyone in if they can’t find their place in this reality. I need to create it for them. That was my sole purpose. Is it?

Different colors start to dance on their own as my brush the canvas. Sometimes at this moment, a smile painted on my face, but this time the reason I smiled before was gone. I don’t feel anything. Even when I tried to mix them up, creating a new combination, a new life. But everything is gone the moment it touches the canvas, the moment it's born. I became empty as the brush on my hands kept moving. Is this what I really want?

Fingertips pressed to the wood stick that contains the magic that can fulfill this world for them. Another of color fills the emptiness until it’s full in no time. I don’t know where I should put another spark on these surfaces, is it done? Is this what I want? Is this the right world? The same as what I imagine? Is it good enough? I can sense the world I fulfilled was smiling back at me, but I can’t answer it back because I don’t deserve to.

—Tick—— Tock—— Tick——Tock— 

Is this it? Is this enough for me? Yeah, it’s enough, because this is my purpose. I need to give color to them. That’s what I should—no, it's what I must do. Until when? Of course, until they were happy.

Then—how about me?

—Tick—— Tock—— Tick——

Anyway, who are they?  The world I created was taken the moment my hand stopped. The tip of my brush already dried up. The color can’t be transferred when that happens. It’s the sign of the end for this world. My job for fulfilling this world ended.

So, what should I do next?

—Tick—— Tock—

Another empty world appears once more in front of me. Ah—I need to fill this one too. If I don’t, this one will be like me. It will be left behind and stored in some dark place. I need to help this fellow to join its friend. That was the cue for my magic tool to move once again. Filling the emptiness with blisters already makes a home on my fingertips from holding this tool for so long. But I have a responsibility to help this fellow. 

For what? I don’t know anymore. Maybe it is what you called self-satisfaction. Questions like that keep popping up when my brush stops. I don’t like hearing those questions. The moment the white canvas appeared, the questions were muted. I focus on filling this world with my color. I pour my own color into this canvas.

—Tick—

Until when?

—Tock—

Until my color dried up?

Is that what I want?

—Tick—

Is it a coincidence or bad luck? The moment the next canvas appears after those two last questions, my colorful brush turns dull. Ah—is it the end? They told me I still need to do this, this is the only thing I can do.

But, who are ‘they?

It’s them! The one that—eh? Who is it again?

—Tock.  

“Stop this! Please let her rest!”, a risen voice can be heard underneath me. They were fighting again I think. I don’t even know when the last time was ‘again’ were.

“But—there's going to be an exhibition in three months! We already signed the contract, your sister did it!” 

It’s so noisy. I can’t concentrate. I need to finish this world, so please take your catfights to another place. I gazed through the halfway colorful canvas, “what is this?”

My brush stopped when I realized, this isn’t the same as what I want to pour out. “This isn’t right?”, the color faded, it was lifeless. This isn’t on my mind. The color should be—wait a minute, what color it should be again? I swing my brush violently trying any color as much as I can. This’s bad, I ruined this one with my unsatisfiedness, Uncle told me that my performance was downgraded. People don't like my latest creation.

Someone grabbed my wrist, stopping my brush movement. “Stop it, please—,” a short plea resounded in my ears. It’s been so long I heard something other than a raised voice and some bickering. “Yewon. It’s enough.”

I looked up and saw a girl holding my wrist. A trace of tears was painted slightly on her cheek. It’s beautiful but who is she again? I don’t really remember her. More importantly, I need to fix this one. I tried to release myself but she grabbed more firmly that I can’t even move a single muscle.

“Please Yewon, stop it! Look around you!,” her voice ringing in my ears, it’s really loud but it helped me snap to reality, I looked around and was shocked by the scene.  Where is this? The worlds that I created lying on the floor, it was ugly, it was dull, it was lifeless. What just happened? Since when?

I released my brush for the first time, I didn’t remember when it was the last time but the air that touched my fingertips was relaxing, it was like my fingertips were exclaiming in happiness to finally feel the fresh air for so long. The sound of clock ticking in my mind stopped as my brush hit the floor. It’s ended.

“I—,” the girl hugged me tightly suddenly before I even finished my sentence. Her soft sobs were near my ear, she was crying. Why? Is she in pain?

Another figure shows up suddenly from behind her. It’s the one that is always nagging from the floor below. I hate hearing his voice. I don’t really know him either. “Sojung! Why are you disturbing your sister's work?!”, his voice was so noisy.

“Wait a minute, I will pull you out from this gloomy attic,” she whispered to my ear, trying her best to hide her trembled voice yet it's clear as crystal. Her voice was soothing and I felt so secure hearing it. It’s the same as her, the one who is always by my side, telling me stories about the outer world. I wonder where she is now since when I didn't hear her voice that always accompanied me, every time my fingertips touched those wood sticks. There were several other warm voices, but it went silent abruptly. 

“I will take her back,” she said firmly, even though her fingers trembled on my shoulder. “And you don't have rights to keep her in this place,” she took out an envelope from her pocket and threw it to the man with that noisy voice.

“With that, I took back my sister,” she pulled me from the trace, and for the first time, my foot helped me stand up and walk. I never thought walking felt like this. I’m not disabled, but it's just been so long since I walked with a purpose. But what is it? What purpose? I think it’s not because of my obligation to help those fellow worlds to be filled with life. It is something else.

Her hand that gripped my wrist this time did not annoy me. It's more soothing, I like this tight gripped. It’s like I was needed. Needed?, was I needed? The moment I pass through the line of dark wooden floors, a new world opens before my eyes. It's not only those narrow places where only single light comes through peeking from a small window. The world becomes more shining in front of me. It was different from the world I always helped to be filled. It’s more warm and meaningful? Yeah, it’s more meaningful.

For the first time as long I can remember, I saw how blue the sky was so radiant, with white flecks that befriend with it. For all this time, what I saw was only the world on my mind. I never thought the world outside those canvases was so beautiful. Why did I never think of this?

It’s not a new sensation, I have seen these skies long ago. That’s right. From those voices that tell me how beautiful it is, creating a fake world inside of my mind. It’s not their fault though, but I didn’t have the courage to face it myself, that’s why I depend on those voices. The sting feeling that penetrated my skin was the same light that peeked through that small window. It’s itchy, but I don’t dislike it. The freshness of the air that touches my skin, it’s felt nostalgic.

In front of me, the girl that pulled me out took me into a black box that has wheels. I think it is what they called a car. She let me enter first before closing the door and face the noisy man. She made sure her words penetrated him one last time before entering the car from the other side of the door I’m in.

“We can go now,” she said to a man that I didn’t realize was there. His smiles were kind enough to make me feel at ease, he looked old with those white beards and hair. I heard ‘old’ was the best word to describe people who have that, and this was the first time I have seen it or maybe I have seen it before but I forgot.

Since the car started to move, the girl beside me kept holding my hand, interlaced her finger with mine. It feels subtle, I don’t dislike it. It’s been so long since something else besides my brush occupied my grips. It’s warm, it’s moving, it’s alive. The girl tightened her grip as she looked at me.

“I’m sorry it took so long Yewon, I’m really sorry,” she said to me with her eyes starting to glisten once again.

“Why do you always look at me like that?”, an unknown question released from my mouth. I don’t even know why, but it was the first sentence—more like a question that popped up when she looked at me with those eyes.

Sojung—it's what that noisy man called her. It was my sister's name, my big sister. She is always gone during the day but stays by my side when the night comes. Accompany my night when I have trouble sleeping, telling me a story of how great the outside world was. She went somewhere when the sun was still bright, an adventure she told me, and came in with a bundle of stories that she always told me when I sat in those wooden chairs, in front of white canvas.

There were other people near her, but I don’t remember who it was. They have the same expression as Sojung when she told me about her adventure in the outside world. Every time I saw her smile there was a single wish appearing in my head.

I want to capture that moment that makes her look this happy. I want to feel it too.

And with that wish, I let myself be a prisoner of my own mind. With a brush, I locked myself in and started to draw only by what she told me. The first paint I made was so real, even when I saw it I felt like I was trapped inside those happy boxes. The sun was bright, the wind tickling my hair. I ran with a big smile with Sojung by my side. That was the best moment I ever felt. 

Another black figure appeared, and he looked amused with what I made. He told me that this might be my purpose. Creating a happy scene where people can run away into it. 

His words keep ringing in my head like the sound of the clock keeps ticking. There were people like me? If I can help them, I will do it. This loneliness was painful because I know how it felt. Yeah, that was my purpose. That’s why I’m born. The color in me that painted started with the scene of Sojung's happy adventure poured out to the white canvas he gave me. I keep pouring it, even though I don’t hear her adventure anymore. The story of the scene inside of my head keeps repeating, creating new worlds, creating a new story, creating a new color. I poured out everything until I felt numb.

The story was gone. I have been left alone. I need to keep doing this if I don’t want to be left behind. I keep going even though the color on my mind dried out. The colorful become colorless. Without knowing it, the color faded away, it seemed like I became those lonely white canvas. 

It’s Sojung who makes me realize I need to stop. The moment she stopped my hand, it was the first time I snapped back to reality. How long have I been like this? Sojung looks different since I saw her before. Her face was different, she was getting bigger and taller. But, this warm hand that gripped my palm was still the same. This is Sojung, my big sister. As I came to the realization, my eyes felt heavy and the world in front of my eyes became dark. That question that I asked was answered by her tightened grip around my hand as I surrendered my body to the darkness.

My body felt like it was floating in the mid-air, in the midst of darkness. It isn’t bad though. I like this feeling. It felt like the chain on me was loosening up and it let me float for once. I can feel the warmness that is my head, slowly like I used to feel long ago.

You’ve done well Yewon.

Whose voice is that? I don’t really remember, but it’s really relaxing. I’m tired, really tired.

You can take a rest now. Just for now.

Yeah, I can take a rest. This warmness that keeps embracing me really seducing me to drifted, letting my body drifted in this floating sensation.

After you have rested well, you have a whole new adventure in front of you.

It can wait. Right now, I just want to rest. My body was drained, even I don’t really remember when the last time I released my fingertip from that brush. When was the last time I saw anything else besides white canvas, some color palette, and the world that I filled while going to the same loop? I can’t enjoy any of those worlds that have already reached their final state. The moment I tried to savor it, it was substituted with white canvas, an empty world.

I’m tired.

Really tired.

That’s why we told you to take a rest sometimes. Your head and body need to rest, my little Yewon.

Yeah, but my job is still not done. Those words need to be filled.

You can do that some other time. They can wait. For now, just let your mind drift away.

I relaxed my body and let a sound of orgel fill my ear, the sound that will accompany me to my new adventure. A nostalgic sound yet lonely, like me.

“It’s been three years since I took her out from that place,” I can hear Sojung talk while resting her back on the big black sofa she just bought last week. She bought it because a certain someone asked her to change the color of her house several times. “I don’t know what should I do now, Bi.”

I can hear Sojung voices from underneath me, it’s like that time when she pulled me out of that ‘limbo’, it is what Sojung called it. Though I felt nothing about that place, sometimes I missed myself behind those white canvas. I blinked once again as I rested my head on my pillow. Sojung doing the best for me to be able to live ‘normally’ is what the doctor says. Sojung took me to the doctor as she was worried about my health and the doctor said that I’m fine. That man, who got into bickering with Sojung, was our Uncle. He took me in after both of our parents died.

The irony that I see in myself was, I only know that my parents died after Sojung brought me out from that place. It seems like I need to change my view from that canvas to the real world. For as long as I remember, I’m only my brush, mixing the palette, and pouring my imagination. Without realizing it, time was moving at a pace that I can’t track down. Both my parents died, Sojung rebelling and living by herself after that, while I got taken away by my Uncle as he provided me for living in exchanges I’ll be his painter. It’s happened for years, Sojung is already grown up, meanwhile, I am still being caged in that place, endlessly painting.

Sojung got permission to take me in without the need of my Uncle. It took really long as the paper needed to be arranged and the first time Sojung brought it up was when she was still underage. She told me the summary of what happened around me when I occupied my mind only to paint. I missed many things as Sojung stated but she was relieved when she saw me still alive and breathing although I don’t really treat my body well.

“You need patience,” said another girl's voice which sometimes came to this house. Her name is Eunbi, she was one of the big whalers of art and Sojung's best friend since she first took modeling as her stable job. Eunbi was a peculiar person, she’s the same age as me, but she’s more adultlike. That’s why she clicked well with Sojung.

Sojung brought her to meet me two weeks after I came back, she introduced herself as SinB, it’s her work name, and asked me to be her artist which got slapped on her shoulder from Sojung as the answer. She says that she would wait even a thousand years for me and says these words that are always lingering inside of me and make me label her as peculiar.

“If someone asks me, who would you want to pick, a bird who is always flying all its life or the wounded bird that got hit by some random kid? I gladly choose that wounded one. So, are you going to give up?"

She says those words with such seriousness that even Sojung can’t laugh it off.

“I would never take back my words about wanting her as one of my artists even though I would be waiting for her my whole life,” says Eunbi across the wall. Why would she waste her time on me?

I can hear Sojung let out a big sigh, “She is still healing herself, Bi. I don’t want her to experience the same thing once again and look at what that annoying man had done. He drained out my sister,” Sojung's tone looked depressed, she sounded guilty. Even though it's not her fault I become like this.

“Does she still doesn’t want to paint?” asked Eunbi, who got hummed from Sojung as an answer. “When was the last time she took that brush again?”

“A year ago. I forgot to lock the place she used to draw when we were still a little. Father and Mother always remind the nanny to clean that place. Since Yewon returned, every time the nanny cleans it, I will always lock it again. The moment I saw her pick up her brush but halted her movement like a mannequin, it’s really breaking my heart. She abruptly throws her brush and the canvas to the floor. I don’t want her to feel pressured with those things.”

I don’t feel pressured though, it's just I don’t even know what this feeling is called. I pulled myself out of the bed and opened the door making my way to them. “I don’t feel pressured though,” I told them, which makes them surprised as I come in without notice.

“Yewon—you awake?,” Sojung asked awkwardly.

I ignored it just to save her from Eunbi’s teasing because she already smirked as she saw Sojung fidgeting. “Yeah, just now.”

I dragged my body to take a seat beside her which made her stiff. Sometimes only looking at her is amusing. “The painting stuff—,” I dropped the elephant in the room. “It’s not I don’t like it anymore or I hate it, it just—”

It left me because I betrayed them. Yeah, I betray those hopes, the hope that white canvas has, they only want to be fulfilled, but I can’t do that because of myself. Since that day Sojung brought me back to this place, I can’t recognize what color in my painting. This house was Sojung’s—I mean our house that our parents left behind. This place is full of memories of us since childhood.

Many paintings hung around the house were painted by me. Father really liked my painting and asked me to let him hang those paintings. He even begged for his life, he was a funny man. I think all collectors have that peculiar side. Every painting that I painted turned dull, drained, like me. The life I poured into them disappeared. It only happens on mine though, when I look at other paintings, I can see it clearly. The story, the life, the feels, it’s there. But mine was empty, lifeless.

“Are you going to give up?,” Eunbi looked straight at me, she demanded an answer which I had never given her since the first time she asked that question long ago. I keep running without knowing what I'm running for.

“You don’t need to push yourself,” Sojung changes the atmosphere as I think she can feel Eunbi were sound rash when she asks.

I shook my head. “No. She’s right,” I smiled at myself. “I want to tell you I  don’t want to give up, but I can’t tell you that if I don’t show it to you.”

My foot dragged me out of the room, it took me to a place that always Sojung locked tightly, afraid that I might crumble down if I entered this place. “Sis—I mean Sojung, can you open it?”

I can hear Eunbi scoffed behind me. Sojung looked doubtful, but she agreed to open it. The wooden door opened and the smell of nostalgia was greeting us. Thanks to the nanny, there was no dust in this place even though I have left this place for a long time. The painting that I painted is still there, arranged tidily in its place.

My first step was creating a creaking sound on the floor. I walk straight to the place that I meant to be. The chair was still the same, but it was lower than I thought. I have grown up since the last time I took a seat here. In front of me, there was a canvas that got covered with white cloth, I pulled it out and it showed me the drawing on it.

I traced my finger to feel the roughness of the dried color paste. Everything was black and white. It's worse than before where I still can see the difference in color even though it’s dull. Ah—I’m already too late. “Is this painting in grayscale?”, I asked as I doubted myself with what I was looking at. I can feel Sojung embracing me from behind.

“It isn’t,” she said. “It's colorful, Yewon.”

“Ah—it seems even though I tried to face it this time, it doesn't work like what I believe. I might be too late,” I said as I was pitying myself.

“You were really serious when you said that you can’t see your own painting color,” Eunbi came closer. “Even though this is a beautiful piece.”

I chuckled. “Yeah, I want to see it too, but it seems I can’t. They didn’t let me see them.”

“Them?”

I stared at the grayscale canvas that should have colors dancing inside of it but not I can see. “The color. The life. I dedicated my entire life to fill this white canvas. For years I was blinded, they trusted me to give them life, but what I did was just pour anything that popped out inside my head and feel content with the result only because I don‘t want to be left behind. They just want to be filled with the life that they were supposed to have, but I gave them the wrong one. I have betrayed their trust.”

I betrayed them, it was the fact. The moment I let myself be drained for years was the result of my ignorance. I have been pouring false life into those canvases and yet I didn't realize it until Sojung stopped me.

Eunbi took out a small piece of paper and gave it to me. “Why don’t you meet this lady?”

“Source Hospital, 9 AM until 12 PM on Monday, Jung Yerin?”, I read the contents of the paper.

Eunbi took a distance. “Just say that lady was one of my connections. She has helped me a long time ago. Maybe she can help you too.”

“Who is this girl, Bi?” asked Sojung as she read the paper. “I don’t remember you have a friend named Jung Yerin.”

“That means you didn’t know me that well, best friend,” Eunbi smirked. “She was a distant connection, I rarely visit her because she doesn’t like meeting people, like Yewon. Maybe she will click with her more than me,” Eunbi knows that I’m not really comfortable around her. I think I need to apologize for my attitude towards her all this time.

“Just think of her as your new friend. You need to let her meet other people, Sojung, don’t just cage her in this house,” Sojung wanted to retort back but I held her hand and told her it’s fine. “In that place—she might have found something that can help her to find what she was missing.”

I looked at Eunbi and she had that sad smile as she said those words. I just doubted that might be the reason I can’t see the color is because I was missing something and she just blurted the answer I was searching for. The moment Sojung stopped those ticking sounds, that moment was the last straw of my world. Sojung might save me from that eternal loop, but because of it I might be left with something or I think I pour too much color on every canvas. That might be drying me inside.

“Let’s meet this lady,” I said to Sojung, which made her furrowed. “I don’t really know Eunbi as long as you, but I know one thing, she cared for me and I think she must have a reason for giving me this.”

“But—”

“Sis,” Sojung flinched as I called her that. It’s been so long since I called her only with Sis like it used to be. “Eunbi was the one who kept asking me if I wanted to give up or not, she was a peculiar girl but I don't dislike her. I know you want to protect me, but I can’t stay like this forever. Deep inside me, I want to paint once more—no I want to paint. I want to draw. I missed that excitement as I brush my hand and the color appears, creating life as it goes and—,”

I hold Sojung hands that are really warm, this warmness never changes since that time. That’s why I will take a bet that Eunbi gave to me. Sojung tried her best to take me back after all this time, Eunbi put a bet on me, waiting for my comeback even though I didn't know how long it would take. Right now it’s my time to move.

“—I want to see your smile once again while looking at my painting. I think Father and Mother want that too.”

Yeah, this time it’s my turn to take the first step. It’s my choice now, I will make a bet on it, if this fails then it means I might be becoming crazy, that was the worst possible result and I will meet them soon enough.

For now, I will let that voice be my guide. I will follow what that voice says, this will be my new journey. It isn’t that right? Mother— ;

The places that were mentioned were really far, it’s more isolated by nature. It’s soothing as I opened the side windows of the car that we took. Sojung took a day off to accompany me. I told her to let me go alone, but she insisted. When Sojung already put her mind to something even I can’t stop her from doing it. It seems like stubbornness running in our blood.

The car park in front of the three-floor building. When I took a step out of the car, I couldn't hear any disturbing sounds that the city had. It isn't fully silent but relaxing. The air was fresher than when Sojung took me out from that place. I might consider living in this place if I have more time.

“We are here,” Sojung appeared beside me. “Let’s go in. This place was really great!” Sojung stretched her arms as she felt the fresh air entering her lungs. “I might buy one here. If I had enough with city life. How about that Yewon?”

I smiled as I agreed with her. Yeah, we need to take a rest, both of us. Sojung took a lead entering the building and asked around about this ‘Jung Yerin’. As far we know, Jung Yerin was a distant friend of Eunbi, from the information that Sojung asked around, this girl was one of the heads of this hospital. She’s a doctor that was infamous around here. All the patients that hear us searching for her were really happy when we asked about her. It seems like she’s a friendly person, but why does Eunbi say that she didn’t really like to meet people when all the staff and patients around here seem to know her well.

The mystery lady that we searched was lying behind this door. A nameplate that written ‘Jung Yerin’ with the additional title, ‘The Headminister of Source Hospital’. Sojung knocked and someone's voice told us to go in.

I thought Headminister's office was like those books I read: a big wood table, many books around, a golden statue, some documents on a big table where the owner sits with their exquisite chair. The scene before me was more normal, a medium-size table where many files were lying unorganized, many books were on the corner floor, with some archive that you never want to touch because it might fall in any minutes. The sofas that faced each other without any table as separate, that can contain two people in one of them. The windows behind the table that opened, letting the breeze come in, sometimes make the flies flying around which I see like a bird.

“I'm sorry for the messiness. The spring cleaning is still a long way away, so I don’t have time to clean it,” the girl with her doctor gown greeted us with her bright smile. It isn't an artificial smile that Uncle always shows me, it's a sincere one like my Mother used to show it. The name tag on her right side, written ‘Jung Yerin’ decorated the white gown.

“You can take a seat anywhere,” she said as she rested her body on one of the sofas.

Sojung and I took the opposite one. “Seeing both of you here, it doesn't mean you will take me out to dinner. No one I ever met at first took me there for years, except one,” she laughed as she said those words.

Jung Yerin is a weird girl I suppose, she was really easy-going and even Sojung looks like she didn’t really like that kind of energetic people because it was really too bright for her to handle.

“It’s just a joke! I forgot to introduce myself, my name is Jung Yerin, called me Yerin, but anything will do except Doctor. As you can see I wear a doctor gown, which means I’m a doctor. Even though I’m not the same as those doctors in that drama where I need to cut some human flesh and you know gore stuff. So, what happens that makes two angels come into this slumber?”

Sojung chuckled as she heard her called her angels. “My name is Sojung, Kim Sojung and this is my little sister Kim Yewon.”

“Hm—A pretty name for a pretty girl!,” she exclaimed with such energy that makes Sojung chuckle once again. This Jung Yerin was so peculiar. You can say that Eunbi is a peculiar girl who went to a dark side, her aura sometimes intimidating and sometimes hard to predict. This doctor was the opposite of that peculiar, she really a goofball, and full of happiness, but both of them have something in common. I can’t really predict what they will do next. 

“So, what makes two pretty girls come into this place? You know this place isn’t a place to hang out,” she asked.

Sojung looked at me and held my hand gently. It's like she told me it’s alright and at the same time asking for my permission which I replied with and gripped her hand back. “My sister, she—can’t see color.”

Yerin furrowed. “Care for —details?”

“I can’t see the color,” I said once more, what she didn’t understand with can’t see the color means.

“You can see it,” she said as she moved her body to me. “You know what the colors this place has.  You can see the color. So what do you mean with ‘you can’t see the color’ is?”

She is sharp, gentle yet can scare me in a second if I lowered my guard. “My painting—I can’t see the color of my painting. Even the palette I used to. I want to see all of that again, I want to paint again,” I explained to her.

Hummed, she took a distance, back to her position. “Unique case, but simple solution.”

Does she know how to cure this? She only just heard my problem yet she was the first doctor that I met saying she knew the solution. Even Sojung was taken back. “You know how to cure it?”

“The solution needs time to entangle the problem, but I can help you. Actually, this place can. But before we start the treatment may I  ask a simple question?”, she looked at me before she continued. I nodded as I gave her permission.

“Is that really what you want? Wanted to paint again.”

I got silent. Yeah, I want that as I stated before. But the words didn’t come out, it stuck. What just happened? It's like I questioned myself. What I really want? Is wanting to paint again what I want?

Yerin smiled gently as she let out a soft sigh. “It’s going to be your homework from now. How about you walking around this place? There was a river in the backyard, you can play with the water but be careful because the water near the bridge was more shallow than you thought!,” she averted her eyes to Sojung. “In the meantime why don’t we talk about the schedule of her treatment. I need the permission of the guardian that looks like it’s you.”

Sojung nodded and smiled at me. “Why don't you walk around first. This place seems really great for an adventure,” that word again. Sojung always has her own adventure, but I never had it. Maybe a change of pace can help me feel better.

I excuse myself as I walk around mindlessly, searching for my adventure that might appear at any moment.

If I don’t wrong she says there was a riverbank in the backyard. It might be the best start I can do. I asked around about the river and they gave me directions. It’s pretty far from the place where I met Yerin. But the view around here was so beautiful. It’s like a treasure chest, where all the beautiful things are gathered inside of it. This place was so relaxed, all the patients and staff around here were so friendly. Even though I’m nervous when asking them, they waited patiently until I finished my question and answered back with a gentle smile.

I dragged my leg to some one-way road where I can hear the river flow filling the air. It seems like I’m near my destination. I walked around slowly as I enjoyed the view. If I’m still in that attic, I might have missed my chance to look at this. Even if I tried so hard to create this world in my mind, I don’t think I can pour it with the same feelings it should have. This was beyond my imagination, the place that only you can savor if you look at it yourself, not by some duplicate. I hope I can capture all of this.

The river flow sounds were really soothing, I might have been asleep if I closed my eyes and rested my body on the grass field around it. The sunlight touched my skin tenderly, not like when I got pulled out of that place, where they were penetrated. It’s like I’m being patted. I like this feeling, it might make me an addict.

The bridge that Yerin says was in my view, but there were silhouettes in the middle of it. I approached it and I found out that figure was a girl, with her one-piece dress, her black hair dancing with the wind as she let herself bare it. Her side profile was so beautiful. She looks like an angel. Yeah, her subtle aura brightens the air. It’s like at any moment a pair of white wings will be sprouted out from her back and she will fly like a bird and— 

Wait a minute, did she just take a step from the rail of the bridge? She is really going to jump if I don’t stop her. I charged in with my life and the moment she let her body fall, I tried to grab her which was the worst choice I ever made because right now, both of us were in the mid-air. I followed her to jump into the river. She looked taken back as she saw me on the top of her trying to reach her which I failed and the result was a big splashed.

The water that slapped my body made me realize, did I know how to swim? I might try swimming once, but it’s only on my mind. Funny as it seems I laughed to myself when I realized how I can swim when all of my life is just sitting on that stole for years. I never thought this was the first time in my life I got drowning. This might be the last cause I might be dead if no one can save me. 

Weirdly, I didn't find it scary. It's tranquil yet addicting. I looked at the girl that jumped first, she gazed locked at me with her hair that floated much more like wings. It really suits her perfectly. Her jet black wings with her white one-piece dress.  She’s really beautiful.

I looked away to the up and surrendered my body to the invisible force that embraced me. It really feels good, I’m drowning yet it feels like I’m floating in the sky, flying like those birds in my painting. It’s cold yet warm gradually. I don’t think jumping off the bridge is a bad idea. Closing my eyes while the pressure on my lungs keeps harden. Maybe it’s time to say goodbye to the adventure that I'm looking for.

Suddenly I could feel something pulling me, but my energy already dried out to even check it. Then sudden air fills my lungs with the view of the beautiful girl with her damp view. Her eyes glistening make her look vulnerable. Her shoulder going up and down like she out of breath, her cheeks flushed. Something on my throat tried to get out which made me cough it out. Water.

The moment I look at her, she breathes out sighs of relief then her face changes, and tries to make a complaint. “What—”

With the dizziness, before she finished her sentences I remembered what makes me in these conditions. “What the heck are you doing?!” I meant to ask her softly but something inside me says that this girl needs to knock her sense. “Jump out of nowhere like that!”

The girl looked at me confused. “Hey! Don’t just turn into a mime. Don’t just throw yourself like that! If I am not passing by, you are already dead!”

Silence with the girl still eyeing me. “What?! Is your brain lost in that water?! Or your mouth washed away by the stream?!”

“For a girl that almost died because of drowning, you have so much energy.”

“What did you mean?”

With her sharped gaze, she destroyed my wall. “You jumped with me from there,” she pointed at the top of the bridge where we jumped. “You almost drowned, that for sure. If you didn’t know how to swim, why did you jump? At least thank you is something more logical that needs to come out from you.”

“I-It’s not because—it just—!”, I can feel hotness spreading on my cheeks. “You! You are the one who suddenly jumped out of nowhere! Do you really want to die?!”  

She closed both of her ears. Never thought I raised my voice suddenly like that. Her expression before jumping out from that bridge is like those people that don't have anything left for them here. Like she didn’t give any thought to chaining her in this world.

“It seems ‘thank you’ is hard for you. I appreciate it more if you lowered your voice a little, my ears still ringing because we just got out of the water.”

I got taken aback by her sudden reply. After several seconds that felt like hours, she put down both of her arms. “Good, at least your ears are still intact, not washed away by the stream,” she smirked at me.

“What—!”

“I didn’t need your help if you ask me or that’s what you want to do,” what did this girl just say?“, I don't need you to save me.”

“Are you out of your mind?!” I stood up, it seemed like the final straw of my patience was burning out. “What the heck inside those brains of yours?! Don’t waste your life like that! You need to treasure it before it’s too late and you can’t do anything to revert your decision to make it better.”

The girl looked surprised at my sudden risen voice. She got silent which made things awkward, then suddenly she burst out laughing. “You were so funny! You were the one who almost died. But you lecture me like I’m the one who did. It seems like the air I gave you it’s too hard to handle.”

“Air you gave me?”

She put her index finger on her lips then mouthed something. CPR.

I know what CPR is, it’s an emergency procedure for saving life for those who got drowned. But her index finger bugged me so much, why did she—wait, lips? Mouth?!  “Did you just do mouth-to-mouth to me?! You can just pump my chest or something!”

She laughed at my sudden outburst. Even though she was drenched from head to toe, she still looked beautiful. With her laugh that sounds really soothing in my ears, I hope she keeps laughing. I hope that smile keeps hanging on her face because she is the most beautiful thing I ever see in my life.

She snapped her finger in front of my face several times that took me back from my trace. “Down to the Earth, Weird Angry Girl. It seems like a cat got your tongue, huh?”, she smiled teasingly at me without me knowing it makes my heart skip a beat.

“J-Just don’t do that again!”, her smile was a lethal weapon, she’s cheating.

“Which one? The jumped or the lips?”, my face was flushed on reflexes which made the girl laugh once again. “Why do I need to obey you?”, her sly smile worsened my heart. I don’t know if a smile of a person can make other hearts thump so hard. Is it because I just got out of the water? Or because of the CPR? Wait, Did a stranger just take my first kiss?

“How should I know?!,” I answered randomly because I still need time to control this stupid heartbeat.

She laughed again. Her laugh was like a melody in my ears. “You are really a funny one, I like you!”, suddenly she said that with a grin.

“W-What—”

“Even though I didn’t plan to throw out my life there.”

“What?”

The girls stand up slowly as she makes a distance from me. It felt colder as she moved away. “I just rehearse there.”

“Huh?”, did my ears fail me? Did she just rehearse? What kind of rehearsal made you jump out of the bridge.

“It’s a rehearsal for flying,” she says innocently. “Because of you, it's ruined.”

“Flying? Is it more like floating in the water and letting your soul be lifted from your body?”, I asked her in an annoyed tone. This girl is really out of her mind.

“If it's not because of you suddenly trying to grab me, I will still swim out to the sides. Then suddenly I saw you surrendering yourself to the water which seems like you didn’t even try to move your body. How you describe things was so weird though, but I don’t dislike it,” she smiled again. When Yerin smiled at me and Sojung, I never felt like this. It feels like something musters inside of me, trying to break free but at the same time, I don’t want to let go of this feeling.

She took a little skip to a stone that makes her taller than me. She mumbled something before she exclaimed. “I choose you, Weird Angry Girl! You need to be with me until I can perfectly fly! Let's just say it’s the way you pay my help there.”

At that moment, the sound of the clock slowly moved once again. The sounds were so distant, it was small but I can feel it deep inside of me. This mysterious girl might be the key to the missing piece I searched for, or she might be the one who strayed me and trapped me in this dull reality. I will put a bet on this coincidence as I silently told myself this might be the last effort I made.