6

"We loved once, and we loved badly. We loved again, and again we loved badly. We did it a third time, and we were no longer living in a world free of experience. We saw that love did not make us tender."
-Vivian Gormick

Byulyi’s lashes fluttered open, together with ghost touches crawling over her entire face. At least, that’s what she feels. She confirmed the trills with a passing thought before detecting a grip on her left hand and looking to the side.

The sleeping Hyejin, whom despite the deep slumber, buried Byulyi’s palm in her grasp, kept holding on. The clock on the wall shows 3PM. How long has she been asleep? Did she notice Hyejin coming before? This fuddled memory is the last thing she needs.  

A jolt of ache struck her in the head and once again, the professor giving herself to a nap without pulling out her hand from the younger woman. 

-- 

Byulyi wakes up the second time when the sky is almost dark. 

The clock is now showing 6PM, and she caught a whiff of something being cooked in the kitchen. She holds out her hand to the back, feeling damp spots. Slipping in her slippers and taking steps from the bed, Byulyi halts at the door. The art student scurried around the kitchen, stirring the pot several times before putting it on the dining table with the eating utensils that had been set. 

“You’re awake.” 

Unable to think of any response, Byulyi nodded her head once. 

“It’s another porridge. I hope you don’t mind.” She’s shaking her head at that sentence. Byulyi reaches for a spoonful and places it in her lips, nibbling around the rim to cool down. Hyejin is nervously watching with bated breath.

“It’s delicious.” It’s bland. But it’s a hearty meal and warming the pit of her stomach. Exactly the best since she can’t stomach anything rich in flavour for now. Hyejin bit her lips, wavering between wanting to believe Byulyi or not, and alas she let it go. She started eating as well, and both of them fell into silence. Surprisingly, a comforting one. It’s the different type of silence for Byulyi compared to her earlier days of living alone in this apartment. She doesn’t know the feeling of living with someone can offer this much… solitude. She has to admit that they are respecting each other’s spaces. Perhaps a little too much. Byulyi would like to think that she’s not being an intrusion when it comes to the younger woman. This rhythm, she’s starting to get used to it. 

And it’s not good. 

It took Byulyi a while to realize that Hyejin is halfway through her meal, deliberately slowing her pace to take time. “You’re still hungry?” 

A frown is pulled to the side of her face. Byulyi let out a chuckle, moving some of the side dishes with her chopstick before Hyejin could even protest. “You need to eat more since you’re still growing.” 

“I’m not a kid.” 

The frown becomes a pout and it will be a lie if Byulyi said it’s not endearing. Her growing smile paused when Hyejin put her hand on her forehead. “Seems like the fever has lessened. That’s good.” 

Swallowing becomes a little difficult when your throat is as parched as a desert. “Yeah.” She croaked, taking a swig of water near her, a little too quick for her to get choked later, earning a concerned look from the other. 

Not good. 

-- 

Despite Hyejin’s better judgment, Byulyi still set the stack of documents on her working desk, turning the laptop on. She argued that there is a mountain of essays and projects that requires her checking, and at last they settle to the point where Byulyi has to promise not to push herself and go to sleep at 9 sharp (which is a ridiculous time to Byulyi but the other’s sharp gaze put her into place). Hyejin wipes the dining table clean and pushes the chairs to their place while sneaking a peek from behind. 

“Byulyi.” 

“Hm?” 

“Isn’t the cursor’ a little too big?” She points to the little arrow hanging inside the screen of her Mac, quite gigantic to be missed. “It’s not that big before.” 

There was no response and Hyejin came forward, noticing Byulyi’s look which soon changed. “Right? I knew something was weird. I will have to change it later.” The change from stoic to cheery is sudden and Hyejin had no other response but a shrug. Another half an hour spent with Byulyi working while Hyejin excused herself to take a bath. 

Refreshed and cleaner than ever, Hyejin hangs her towel and finds that no one occupies the working desk. She relied on her gut feeling and it was correct. The professor took a seat and buried herself in her favorite sofa, the glasses slanted on her nosebridge. This habit of sleeping everywhere started to grate on Hyejin’s patience but she reminds herself that the medicine must have kicked the effects in. Moreover, sleep is the best remedy for every illness.  

Hyejin reaches out and puts the glasses aside, confronted with features that she has encountered before: a sharp nose, tiny lips, the default crinkle when she pouts in her sleep (she does it a lot), stout cheekbones, but wherever she goes she will always find her way back to the lips. A little mumble can be heard and the cuteness is too much for Hyejin to bear. 

She swore that time would be the last time. 

Looking right and left in a ridiculous fear that someone will catch her in the act, Hyejin slips parts of her hair behind her ear and plants another soft kiss on the professor's cheek, letting it linger for a little while. 

-- 

“What is this?” 

They were enjoying their lunch while squatting right outside the studio, and Hyejin gaped at the nonchalant tone her best friend sported. “It’s the catalogue of flats, penthouse, anything.” Wheein dug into her sandwich, munching and swallowing. “I know. Why?” 

“… I need to find a new place.” 

“Again, why?” Wheein asked while greeting another student that happened to pass through with a wave. “The price is soaring everywhere you look, and you didn’t want to live in the dorm near the campus. You already have the best landlady you could ever ask for. I cannot think of any better arrangement than this?” 

Except that she kept wanting to kiss the said landlady. 

It’s the predicament she shared with Wheein next, which the woman responded with That makes things easy then! You just have to seduce her and free rent forever! Hyejin rolled her eyes so hard at the soap-opera clichéd kind of solution and politely asked her to stop messing around and considering her predicament in all seriousness. “I’m serious though! Hyejin-ah, you already have your own fanclub in this faculty! I heard that it’s going to be extended to other faculties as well… Soon, you will get students from other faculty flocking for your attention. Isn’t that great?” Except Wheein laughed out loud when saying it, earning a light punch to the head. “I don’t want anyone to see me when I’m eating!” It just took one time when she was unbearably hungry during the festival preparation and wolfing down the food prepared in one of the stalls. The next thing she's got this silly title that has something to do with mukbang, and she can feel this collective pressure to be caught witness whenever she’s eating something. It’s a title she can leave behind, and she cannot let Byulyi know at any cost. “Just seduce her, Hyejin-ah!" What’s so difficult about that?” 

Maybe the fact that the older woman is so confusing? How she did everything she could to help her yet didn’t exactly give any crumbs Hyejin could pick on to somehow get to her heart? How after a week the said woman didn’t seem to notice Hyejin as a woman? Make no mistake. Hyejin prides herself as someone who’s oozing confidence and no one, absolutely no one can reject her, man and woman alike. It’s a spell that somehow rendered entirely useless when it comes to the older woman.  

Moon Byulyi didn’t like her. Having this desire to kiss someone who didn’t hold the same flame as you is a dangerous game to be played. Hyejin will have to die first if she were about to lose a friendship with this gorgeous lady. “She doesn’t like me that way, Wheein-ah.” Her tone went solemn, if not a little sad at this revelation. “I don’t think—” 

“But you’re a muse of the Fine Art faculty, Hyejin-ah!” Wheein raised her arms and flailed her body around. “The inspiration, the wonder! The—” 

“Wheein-sunbaenim.” 

It was a man coming to them without them realizing it. Looks like they shared the class several times but Hyejin didn’t recall his name. “Yes?” Wheein put her arms down, retaining the same cheerful demeanor. The man reaches into his bag and hastily pulls out a jar, offering it to the woman whose face turns brighter. “I remember that you wanted a coffee that I made before?” 

“The coffee? Thank you Mino! I appreciate it!” Wheein snatch the jar and kisses it, smiling so wide, her dimples form perfectly on both sides of her cheek. “My daily dose of caffeine! Love you, Mino! Thanks for this.” 

The man, blushing harder than he ever was, muttering you’re welcome and escaping as far as he could. Once he’s out of their sight, Hyejin throws an accusing look at Wheein who is already sipping the coffee. Her friend, in the best word she can put in, is a pot called a kettle black. “This is good stuff, Hyejin-ah! You should try.” 

“You know, you can be so scary sometimes.” 

“Huh?” 

“Nothing.” Hyejin stood up, crumpling the remaining plastic wrapper of her sandwich and throw it to the bin. “I have to go to my part-time job.” She looked at the watch. “What are you going to do after this? 

Wheein shrugged. “Redoing the sketch, same old. I'll catch you later, Hyejinnie.” 

-- 

Hyejin? 

We need to talk.  

A crease shaped between her eyebrows as Hyejin typed a reply to this text in front of her locker. The women come in and out of the changing room, prepare for their shift and check their assigned room for the day. 

I thought I told you not to contact me again. 

The screen flashed a notification. 

It’s not that. I need to explain. I’m already outside, in the back alley. Can you give me a chance to clear things up? 

Hyejin has to admit that she was panicked that day, but she cannot take all the blame. The man sounded desperate at that time and it was intimidating. But she needs closure, some sort of certainty that this is over.  

Okay. Give me some time to change.

“Chanmi-ah.” Hyejin turned to her coworker while changing back into her casual wear. “I will be away for at least half an hour. It won’t be long.” 

“Where are you going?” 

“Just… a cafe nearby.” She has a feeling that it will take a while. “Sorry, he’s waiting. I’m just putting an end to this, I promise.” 

“Huh? Don’t tell me you’re going to meet him—Hyejin-ah, wait!” 

-- 

What comes to your mind when you see an older man walking together with a younger woman? 

Maybe she’s there for the dough. 

Maybe he’s there for her youth. 

Maybe She’s there waiting for him to lose all he's got and the life out of him. 

Maybe he’s there just for the sake of relieving the old times when he’s still flowing with youth.  

Whatever the stereotype goes. 

Their first meeting was in the club, with him as the client, exchanging contacts, extended to one night stands, and somehow getting out of hand when the man offer to become her sugar daddy, as in covering her tuition, art supplies, a crib that she can live in (which is quite spacious), and Hyejin, as convenient the arrangement was for her, was agreeing to it because of the connection between them. 

It’s a connection that doesn’t border into romantic territory (She is sure about this part). Doesn’t even reach into platonic. after is just her channeling the libido in and after hearing him , settle into their routine, and Hyejin can see the look in his eyes every time they’re done. She can see that he didn’t enjoy it as much, like he’s there because Hyejin is one of the few he can bear to have a dip with, a distraction over the unwillingness to confront the state of his family, settle things with his wife and son, putting his legs in both sides of the door.  

My colleague suggested me to it is his reply once when Hyejin asked her why he ever consider to take a sugar baby in the first place. Not even by his volition. As indecisive as one can get. 

A part of it Hyejin can relate to. 

A kind of fretful, compulsive need to stay in motion without actually getting anywhere. 

-- 

Hyejin takes the teacup and gives it a sip, embellishing the bitter taste in her tongue. Yep, Byulyi’s tea is better.  

She doesn’t even question herself anymore when that thought comes to mind. Nothing surprises her anymore. In a Café nearby, sitting across from the man who was once her sugar daddy, bearing features that she has almost forgotten. His face was never that memorable in the first place. Like that random place you’ve visited out of boredom and never comes back to mind ever again. They were each other’ s excuses to escape. 

“Hyejin-ah—” 

“How’s your family?” 

It was a sentence spoken without malice. In the past maybe Hyejin’s a little jealous, but she knew it at once today. Any feelings for him were long gone the moment she lost her home that night. A means to escape is not equal to your dignity trampled to the ground.  

“They’re fine.” The man sighed. The kind that Hyejin recognizes as a lie. They are not even on speaking terms. “I’m sorry for losing it that night. When you say you want to end this I cannot think of anything else. I cannot bear someone else leaving me. It’s… sickening.” 

Now it’s Hyejin’s turn to sigh. Almost everyone in this world has to deal with their abandonment issues. Hyejin opted for silence. 

“Who’s helping you that night?” 

“It’s the woman that punched you in the face before.” Her reply was terse. “She gave me a place to sleep for as long as I wanted until I sorted myself together. If you ever disturb her…” She gave a hiss-like sound, but the man shook his head. 

“I’m hurting you too deep, Hyejin.” He exclaimed. His tone is an embodiment of regret. “How about this? We don’t have to meet anymore, but I will still support you at least until the end of the year. I can even find you a new place. Consider it my apology.” 

The man’s giving her an easy route. She can just take it and Everything’s solved. No need to contact her parents and burden them with tuition or maybe, the fact that her artistic drive has come to a screeching halt. 

But as soon as she thinks about it, a certain woman’s face come to mind. For the strangest reason, Hyejin didn’t want that woman to be disappointed in her. Even when she’s sure she will understand.  

But if Hyejin was her, she would never be as understanding. 

“You should come back to your family. You were never in love with me.” 

The man drops his head, unable to look at Hyejin. 

“This dance has been going on for long enough. Goodbye, Ajusshi.” 

-- 

Hyejin packs the nickels into her wallet. The man has left the Café, and it is Hyejin’s turn to go back to the club. She stood up and moved to the exit before noticing a glimpse of the figure seen through the glass, and her eyes widened. Her steps quicker when going out of the café. 

“Byulyi!” 

The professor, with her white cane in hand, was standing outside the café, looking like someone who has been waiting for some time. Upon closer look does she notice the slight up and down motion of her shoulders. She must be running. “What are you doing here?” Hyejin hope she doesn’t sound too chirpy for her own good. 

“Well, Chanmi called, so...” 

Hyejin might have to kill Chanmi these days for keep calling and meddling, but there’s something else she had to confirm first. “And you come… for me?” 

Byulyi tilted her head sheepishly to the side, and Hyejin’s chest filled with warmth. “Just in case something bad happen… Anyway!” Byulyi cleared , changing the course of the conversation in an awkward move. “You need to return to the club. Let me walk you there.” 

Hyejin might have skipped to the woman and slipped her arm into the said woman, filled with a pride of accomplishing something precious. 

--