Hitomi’s mind wanders at night. When the curtains are drawn and the blankets shut her in. When the slow hum of the air conditioner and the faint outside wind fills her ears. When her vision takes in darkness and her eyes find themselves pointed on the ceiling.

Hitomi’s mind wanders at night.

She thinks of the hours before, thinks of her past thoughts, the people she’d passed by, the locations she's gone to. She imagines her members, thinks of Chaeyeon, of Nako, of the rest of them. Thinks of Chaewon and Minjoo even though it wouldn’t make sense because they’ve constantly been in her mind.

Hitomi fidgets with the sheets beneath her, smoothens it like someone’s skin. Clutches on the blanket afterwards, crumpling the edges under her palm. She stares at the top, plays a movie in her head of her whole life. From her first day of school, the beginning of her idol life, the god-forsaken survival show, then to the very present- where she’s alone. Where she has to get used to feeling alone despite being surrounded by dozens of people because Chaewon and Minjoo are much more than thousands of other people she’d met and known.

Her phone lights up. She sits up, leaves the blanket to cover her bare legs, and rubs her eyes before she takes a look. It’s 2 in the morning, currently, having gone from a tough schedule knocked everyone (or so she thinks) cold.

Minjoo asks if they could come over, because the distance between their dorms and apparently they’ve been staring at nothingness for the past few minutes just like her (soulmate things, Hitomi remembers Nako say.) Hitomi texts back, yes, because she can never say no to the two of them.

She places her phone down the mattress. There are minutes that pass before the sound of beeping fills her ears. Then a door creaking, light footsteps slowly filling her ears, the hushed voices of the two girls she’d come to know and love.

“Hitoma,” Chaewon rasps out then places soft knocks on Hitomi’s bedroom door. “we’re sorry for bothering you..”

Hitomi tries to hide the mini excitement blooming in her chest. Keyword: tries. Because Chaewon and Minjoo are sure that they’d heard her hit about two things on the way near them.

The knob clicks when her room opens, so does Hitomi’s heart, too.

___

They’re laid on the bed. Hitomi’s mind wanders again but this time there is no nothingness. The curtains are swept on the side and the moonlight reflects from the glass. 

On her left is Minjoo, playing with her hair which, as Minjoo would describe, looks like candy. Minjoo sweeps through it with much attention, fixing the knots and massages her scalp. Minjoo gives a few backrubs as well. It soothes Hitomi and if her brain wasn’t just eating her up at that moment she would end up falling asleep.

Chaewon finds her way on the other side. Her head rests near Hitomi’s chest and she writes on Hitomi’s palms with her fingertips. Then kisses every knuckle delicately. She feels Hitomi’s lungs rise and fall, and hears her heartbeat thump in nimble beats.

“ ‘Toma..” Chaewon says, faint. Her words pierce through the air ever so carefully like she’s whispering the secrets of the universe rather than her girlfriend’s name.

“I love you.”

It’s sudden. It snaps Hitomi off from gazing at the wall. They’ve said it before, countless times. Maybe thousands at the rate they’re in. I love you, Chaewon says and it’s in Japanese-- Hitomi’s mother tongue-- it’s different because the term holds a deeper meaning. One that all three of them refuse to speak about but Hitomi thinks desperacy does have its ways.

Hitomi answers, Mhm. Because it’s okay not to say it back immediately, times are becoming different and they can’t just step into a box filled with pins. 

Minjoo says it too. Whispers it in her hair and wishes it to find its way in her head. To lock it in there for all eternity. 

Minjoo shifts for a bit. She places her hand on top of Hitomi’s ones that were interlocked with Chaewon’s own. Squeezes both of their hands tight and rubs the pad of her thumb on their velvet skin.

“I love you, too.” Hitomi says it in Korean. Chaewon tugs her closer and leaves a chaste kiss just below her neck. Minjoo tucks away a stray of Hitomi’s hair that reminds her of early sunsets.

There’s a pause and Hitomi’s voice wavers, “I’m sorry.”

“For?” Minjoo questions.

“This.”

“You’re apologizing for us?” Minjoo giggles, with no intent of making fun of Hitomi, of course. The last thing Minjoo would do is to hurt her two girlfriends. They know that. Hitomi knows that.

“Isn’t that more like a joint effort,” Chaewon huffs and copies Minjoo’s mellow chuckles, “we’re both sorry too, you know.”

It’s more than that, actually. If there’s something else that all three of them could do other than being exceptional dancers and vocalists is that they choose to not speak on things that should be spoken on. To act on an upcoming storm when all they’ve experienced-- want to think they experienced is a drizzle.

Minjoo props her hand to reach the side of Hitomi’s face. She plants a kiss just below her eye and memorizes the feel of squishy cheeks. Afterwards, she marks one on Chaewon’s forehead- with her almost falling in the middle of them in the process. Minjoo has always been the one to express affection with the three of them (although Chaewon with Yena is a whole other story, Chaewon clearly loves her girlfriends well enough to leave her roommate alone.) Hitomi and Chaewon like this particular fact about her, they’re one of the top enthusiasts for hand holding after all.

Hitomi is just so in love at that point. Between her favorite girls, (which she will never say out loud unless at the cost of a lifetime of bread and because she’s sure her girlfriends know, anyways) the biggest bonus in her idol life, and in the future, the biggest and her best mistake ever.

They exchange more conversations for a little while. From Minjoo’s anecdotes to Chaewon’s adventures with Yena. Hitomi doesn’t really add anything, she listens and keeps every word, so she could reread and relisten once she gets greeted by nothingness once again. Minjoo falls asleep first, because it was almost 4 in the morning and they’d much rather face the wrath of Eunbi with a fresh mind, so Chaewon sings them her self-composed song. 

When Hitomi’s eyes drop, it’s to Chaewon’s voice and Minjoo’s soft breathing. She dreams of them. 

______

Hitomi wakes up first. She swiftly removes herself under the covers to not bother the two sleeping figures on her bed. She strides all the way to the kitchen. The idea of making her girlfriends breakfast circling her thoughts.

“Good morning.” Chaeyeon greets her before sipping a cup of milk.

“Mm. Good morning too, unnie.”

Hitomi grabs some eggs from the fridge, a recipe for a quick kimchi omelette in her mind. 

“Big serving? I’ve eaten already, Hii.” Chaeyeon asks, a Santa beard barely visible on .

Hitomi answers her with a smile. She turns the stove on and gets three plates while waiting for the pan to heat up. Chaeyeon’s question is answered at that very action.

“Ah, so that’s why I heard random noises early in the morning…” 

Sakura comes and joins them at the kitchen, giving herself some water and chats with Chaeyeon. Hitomi continues to cook, continues to replay the dream she had before waking up. In it, they’re hopping in different dimensions, there’s one with royalty, space fighters, one with.. emojis (Hitomi wants to forget it but it had to be the one she remembers the most), one where they were animals (she could hear Yujin shout furry! like she was in the room), where they weren’t idols, and other more situations Hitomi fails to recollect. They stay in the ending, which breaks her heart a little- because out of all the things that were impossible in her dream, that is one that no one could ever reach. The universe is a little .

She plots the plates down on the table once she’s done. Swats away Sakura’s hand- which was, in her words, wasn’t about to get food poisoning-  and tells her to make her own. Hitomi goes back to her room to check up on Chaewon and Minjoo.

She’s welcomed by Minjoo curled up under Chaewon’s chin. Hitomi is on the verge of crying at how awfully cute the two were in front of her. Sadly, her phone is left under her pillow, so she settles on taking a picture of them with her eyes instead. She has a good memory, anyway.

“Chaewon-ah, Min,” Hitomi closes up on the two, sweeps their hair off their faces and looks at it. The sunrays make them seem like they were angels (they are, Hitomi beams.) “wake up now.”

None of the two move at first, so she places her weight on the bed and tugs on their shoulders. “Chae, Min. Wake u- umpf!”

Before she could even finish, Chaewon suddenly pulls her in and locks her arms with her own. Minjoo locks her legs with hers too and Hitomi is confused for a second before it all lights up in her head.

“You tricked me!” Hitomi mumbles out, her face flat on the pillow because of her girlfriends restraining her.

“Because we know there’s no way you’re getting back in bed.” Minjoo says, the end of her words prolonged.

“We missed you, Toma. It was like you were gone forever!” Chaewon faux cries. Her overdramatic-ness leaves an annoying sigh from Minjoo.

Chaewon and Minjoo’s grips soften and Hitomi frees herself from them. She turns around and places both of her hands on her face. “I was gone for like 10 minutes, and you guys have each other..”

“But ‘Toma…! I like you more..” Chaewon whines.

“AH, UNNIE?!” Minjoo gasps, it emits a bubble of chuckles from Hitomi’s chests. They know it’s not true, if that was ever the case Hitomi’s nightly meetings with nothingness would be her astral projecting to the void instead.

“Okay, okay fine! But for five minutes only..” Hitomi rubs her hands on her cheeks and pouts. Her face slightly pink and she feels two different fingers poking her cheeks at the same time.

So, she stays. Breakfast be damned. She stays with her favorite girls for five more minutes in bed. Chaewon is facing her back this time and toys with the tiny hairs on her nape. Hitomi’s hands lay on Minjoo’s abdomen, rubbing circles on her bare skin. She stays for five minutes more and will stay with them for hours more when they have to get up and eat and prepare for the day. Hitomi stays and Chaewon and Minjoo do, too. 

Hitomi’s mind wanders again, now with the honks from below their dorm and the birds chirping from the nearby trees. This time she thinks of the present. Feels their skin pressed on one another and the warmth from their bodies. She stays and thinks of staying forever but they can’t, because they’ll have to part ways for their individual schedules and they’re all coworkers at the very first, frie- family second, then their special case of lovers. 

There’s one more particular reason why leaving is inevitable and they could only stick around for so long, but Hitomi keeps it hidden in a locked box of things that should not be thought of, which is useless because the entirety of her current life revolves around everything related to the contents in that box. Of Chaewon and Minjoo and IZ*ONE and herself. Of how they’re still so young and there are still so much things to experience.

Minjoo’s stomach growls underneath her fingers and they all laugh, silently agreeing that it’s time to go. Chaewon slips out first, mutters that Minjoo’s embarrassing and that she needs to take a bite before it could happen to hers too. Minjoo stands when Hitomi scolds her. (Minjoo argues back at first, but her stomach speaks again and Hitomi’s eyes start to lose light.)

Hitomi stays to fix the sheets. The door is slightly open so she can hear the noise outside. She smiles when Chaewon and Minjoo’s voices reach her ears.

(She wishes they could stay- they all wish they could stay. But that’s okay, they have to get used to it anyways.)

___

(And if years later Hitomi’s mind wanders at the middle of the night again. That time, she’d be alone.)