Shim Changmin. Choikang Changmin. Max. TVXQ's member. The youngest, maknae. The person next to the leader. Yunho's dongsaeng. Food monster, Voldemin, and baby. 

He'll deny being a baby, like he's always done, especially now that he has built a life of his own outside of the public scrunity. He needs to be the head, the rock, the pillar of his family, his new start, no matter how much he knows he's not. Shim Changmin knows he will be forever be a baby, despite being the eldest of his family, the baby of his second family that he was once closer to than his own family. 

Ever since that incident on that faithful day, the day Changmin's heart broke into tiny shards forever, Changmin's world had faded from a bright, happy bubble to a dull aura. It didn't help that the rest of his friend group, consisting of the members of Super Junior and SS501, walked on eggshells around the remaining two, unsure of how to deal with the sudden split of their friend group. Since then, the once bright Changmin changed into the quiet, serious person he now was, losing himself more and more as numerous scandals followed the three groups as the years passed. 23 became 20. 20 became 18. 18 became 17. 17 became 15. The once powerful super group DongSu501, the legends of Korea's second generation Kpop, became a group dotted with grief.

He knew Yunho didn't like it, he knew the others were concerned about him too. He knew his new family thought this current version of him was the true him, but he wasn't very apologetic about it as he faked smiles and drowned in his bitter thoughts. 

What was the point of being happy, he thought miserably, if the reasons for his happiness were now completely out of his reach? 

He suspected the others felt the same way as him, no matter how much they kept silent on the matter. Super Junior did. SS501 did. He knew for sure Yunho hyung did. The others - well, he could still see the pain in their eyes from the screen - so he supposed they felt the same as well. 

Changmin would never admit it outloud, fearful of the word reaching the ears of the public and SM, but he was tired. He missed it. He missed the days of balloons and raincoats and the CaTeuEl power, of how the three fandoms united and created a sea of pearl red, pearl light green, and pearl sapphire blue. He missed the thrill of then that was different from now. Changmin wanted things to go back to the way it used to be. When the fans were happy. When they were happy. When he was happy. He longed for the days, days that he knew would - could - never happen, where, when they could all be reunited again.

He wanted for Super Junior to reunite. To keep Leeteuk hyung's promise of 13 forever. Oh how he wanted to fly over to China and kidnap Hankyung hyung. Changmin's heart clenched as he remembered the memories he had with Kibum and made a mental note to find out his phone number from Heechul. He wanted to cling onto Kangin, no Youngwoon, hyung as Sungmin hyung laughed his pretty laugh at them. Oh how he wished he could turn back time and correct all their misunderstandings and mistakes. Changmin wanted them to become 13 like how they mentioned and sing forever.

SS501. The group that he ached for the most. The group that he desperately wanted to see again. The group out of the three that most had forgotten about. Changmin wanted to wrap his arms around Hyunjoong hyung, to sob that it wasn't his fault and that they weren't ashamed of him. That he, they, didn't care how the public would think if they found out the singers hung out with his precious hyung. Changmin wanted to throttle him before pushing him into the direction of the awaiting four members. After all, they were called SS501 for a reason. They needed to become five before they could be super stars. Only then could they fulfill Changmin's wish of returning to the stage as SS501.

And last of all. TVXQ. 

No, Changmin thought. DBSK. Dongbangshinki.

He missed his Voldemin days. He had to be strong for his remaining hyung, so he had burrowed it deep within himself in order to support Yunho hyung. Changmin missed the days of a carefree Yunho, who was much more relaxed.

Jaejoong hyung. Oh god. Kim Jaejoong. Changmin's stomach growled at the thought of him. The women in his life all cooked for him, which he dutifully ate and complimented out of courtesy, but he found their food bland in comparison to the miracle food of his hyung. He had learned how to cook in order to feed himself and save both Yunho hyung and him from the horrors of Yunho's cooking, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn't replicate the taste. 

Changmin let out a sob as he thought of Jaejoong and food and knew he was acting like a baby again. But he didn't care. In the past, Jaejoong would baby him and cook for him, but now there was no Jaejoong, no babying, and no food. The thought caused Changmin to sob harder. 

He was the least concerned for Junsu, who constantly released songs, appeared on television, and was a constant force in musicals. Junsu was the reason why SM forbid Changmin and Yunho from participating in musicals, but Changmin didn't care. He was happy that Junsu had found his place despite the lawsuit.

Yoochun, oh Yoochun. Changmin wondered from which point everything had fallen apart. Now in all three groups, there was a scandal attached that the public would never forget about. He could have sworn they were all fine, but he supposed not. His heart clenched at the thought of his Yoochun hyung, and hated himself for not having been there for his hyung's dark times.

Changmin knew he was being selfish. He couldn't let go of all the memories, the good and bad. He wanted everything back, the time and the people. Nostalgia overtook him as he experienced another bout of grief and depression. 

Let go.

Changmin shook his head. no, No, nO, NO!

Let them go. That time is over. Forget about them.

Changmin choked on his tears as he shook his head.

You must. The voice insisted firmly.

Changmin let out a feral screech, and all was silent once again. It was at this moment when Yunho entered.

"Changdol-ah, are you ready to - WHAT'S WRONG!" Yunho went over the top at the sight of his maknae, curled up and shedding tears.

"Hyung..." his voice came out broken and weak, and Changmin chided himself for losing his composure.

Yunho sighed as he gathered Changmin in his arms.

"You're thinking about them, aren't you?" He asked softly.

Chanmin managed a snort, "More like then, not them."

Burrowing his head deeper into his hyung's chest, Changmin's body wracked with sobs as he clutched Yunho with all his might. His heart clenching as well, Yunho shifted his maknae in his arms as he began to his hair. Seeking comfort from one another, the two of them stayed like that for a long time.

Changmin had a secret, and it was that he was not fine at all. No one he had met after 2009 knew the true him, but he was fine with that. He didn't care what others thought as long as he could hold on to his precious memories.

The maknae of DongSu501 was broken, but he didn't mind.