Hyunsik’s POV

 

I was sitting on the bench at the top of the mountain with my earphones on. All of the sudden, all the songs sounded sad to me.

 

I haven’t talked with Kiddo for 3 days already.

 

“Are you okay?”

 

I mumbled in my head.

 

I stopped talking to him probably after I talked video called for 2 hours with him. I started to realize my feelings and his. He looked sad and happy that day. I was so sleepy, but I didn’t want to sleep since this is the rare chance of talking with him face to face (even virtually).

 

I don’t know what kind of game I am playing with that kid. He is a kid but so much mature. I’ve been so childish to him. Well, I am not childish with others but with him, I feel so comfortable that I am being clingy and whiney. My exs would laugh at me if they heard about it.

 

“Hyunsik being whiney?”

 

They may laugh out loud.

 

I think I was too much into him that I am losing myself. I was spoiled by him that I got mad easily when something happened not the way I wanted. I fought with my family the last few days as I went on a sudden trip to the mountains.

 

The connection isn't really good here. But this is just one of the reasons. I want to find myself back. I want to know who I really am. Do I really like him? I like guys? Things like that.

 

But the way I made distance from him was too obvious that he didn’t seem to know what’s really happening to me. He asked a few times, but I didn’t answer since I didn’t really know what to answer back.

Do you really want me to answer like “I am making distance from you because I like you?” That’s too much for me. But I did really realize that I was so much into him. I like him. I want him to be mine. Is it possible? It was great at first since we didn’t have a mind to be together. Now that reality hit, and I found myself does not brave enough to hold his hand and tell everyone that he is mine.

 

I sighed out deeply.

 

Same gender. And I wasn’t even sure if he loves me that way. I know that he loves me but is it the same way that I do? He normally says he loves me and that’s the reason he is here. He cares about me. Things like that. But it was since few years ago and his voice didn’t change at all. He may not love me like this way in the past. If he loves me in that way since the first, he won’t even have girlfriends. The reason he didn’t change is that he didn’t like me the same way I am?

 

That proudy thing didn’t talk to me at all. He really has his pride. I made some distance to him as he is already far away. How can he be like that? I know that he won’t stop me in whatever I do. If I want to leave, he will just let me do it.

 

“Are you sleeping?”

 

I texted him as I got a reply in a second. Is he waiting my message?
 

“Not yet”

 

“Do you have work today?”

 

“No. Today is Sunday”

 

Yes, I even forgot about the date. He seems normal. He talks normal like he used to do. Am I the only one who is feeling hurt, sad and confused? Should I really make a distance at this rate? Before it hurt my feeling completely?

 

I talked less while thinking as he asked me again.

 

“Is everything okay?”

 

He asked again. So, that mean he knows that I am not okay.

 

“I am okay”

 

I answered.

 

“You look quite so”

 

He replied with smile emoji. I don’t know what I should feel anymore. I wanted to make sure what does he feel about me? Is it just normal friendship? But your eyes aren’t pure, your words, your carness, everything isn’t normal but why are you so normal now.

 

I hate you, Kiddo.

 

He even stopped replying me when I replied short words.

 

Can we just live in the fantasy? Can we just go back to the time when we didn’t realize our feeling? Can we just…I don’t know anymore.

 

I should really talk with him about the feeling we have for each other or we will really far away by misunderstanding each other. I don’t want to be in distance with you, Kiddo. We had a dream that we will be living together, go on trips, and so on. I will have to be your roommate in the future. I am afraid to leave that kid alone since he is the kid who doesn’t like to wait and stop me.

 

I need to step forward or we will really be in distance.