A Tender Feeling

“If She Was Here”

A wonderful, brilliant light shone through the light, wispy clouds, implying another day. They separated, introducing a lovely sky underneath. It was entrancing, how basic it looked, yet it appeared to hold all of our considerations, our fantasies, our privileged insights. It was stunning, practically enchanted. In the event that you gazed at it for quite a while, watching the clouds travel every which way, the sun setting in a superb prosper, you would think, perhaps, it was conversing with you. It was imparting such that it would appear as though it was hollering when the striking lightning came and the thunder shook the earth, it was grinning and talking delicately in the principal beams of daybreak, and it flaunted its boundless excellence in the evening when the sparkling stars emerged from their inquisitive concealing spots and winked at you. Furthermore, oblivious individuals just state, 'it's just the sky’, but no, underneath the sky, our witness, was the day, I met her.

            “Pretty.”

I was around seven years old when our eyes met, but only for a brief moment. The moment I blinked my eyes, she vanished. I wish I didn’t blink at that time so that I could stare at her for a moment. I handily detected her raven hair like a cool night sky. The edge of her garnet-colored off-shoulder dress fluttered open in the breeze and I could see her bosom, low and full. Her beauty resembled the edge of a sharp blade. Her gaze towards me that day was like a child, eyes of curiosity. The sight of her beautiful crimson-colored eyes, a pair of orbs like blood. How mesmerizing. The moment her eyes met mine, I got to know how nirvana looks like. That memory didn’t leave me ‘til I grew up.

*       *       *

When I reached high school, I am starting to know myself. I don't exist. I'm the gap between what I'd prefer to be and what others need me to be. or on the other hand half of this gap since there is also life. That is me. I feel empty. Then again, I don’t think that’s wrong of me to feel that way. By the time I reached the age of 17, I got engaged. My family is running a business and that they want expand it by marrying me off to some strangers to gain their upper hand. Being rich and being born rich is very troublesome. I would be lying if I said that I didn’t mind, this life of mine is theirs in the first place. I couldn’t even make my own decision without their permission.

          “Get dressed, you are to meet your fiancé today. Don’t be late.”

I lowered my head and stared at my food. So, today is the day I’ll officially meet my fiancé. Not a single feeling of excitement, I was rather nonchalant to this occasion. To meet my future husband that I don’t harbor feelings for is quite unfortunate for me.

          “Don’t worry, you’ll learn to love him eventually. Just act with courtesy then you’ll be fine.”

Easier said than done. I don’t even want this marriage nor do I want to be with him. How irksome it is.

          “This daughter shall excuse herself to prepare for the meeting.”

          “Go.”

I bowed at my father and left the dining room with a sigh. After getting dressed, I looked at my mirror and saw myself wearing an orange dress. I stared at my chestnut monolid eyes and saw the emptiness in them, they say the eyes are the window to your soul. If my eyes looked empty then does that mean my soul is also empty? I suddenly reminisce the moment my eyes met with a beautiful woman whose name I don’t even know. Her alluring eyes help me to remember the ocean, b with privileged insights, delightful to take a gander at, and effortlessly get astray in. Her eyes are so intimidating yet so lovely to look at. I come into contact with the mirror as I caress my eye.

           ‘Will I be able to see you again? Whose name I don’t even know.’

           “Young miss, your father wishes to see you now. He’s waiting for you and said that he will be accompanying you along with your mother.”

             “Understood.”

For some reason, I thought the meeting with my fiancé would be held private and that only his family would be there. What I didn’t know is that the meeting was held with a banquet. Rich people and their way of living, I hate it. The banquet is held beside the sea underneath the stary sky. Well, at least they have taste in terms of location. I gander around and saw many businessmen in their suits. This place is pretty alright but I don’t feel excited at all. I saw a family walking towards our way, and then I notice a white-suited man behind them, he looks like a pretty boy to me.

            “Welcome, it’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Mr. Kang and Family.”

            “The pleasure is all mine, Mr. Im.”

            “Oh my, is this your daughter, Mr. Kang?”

            “Yes.”

            “Why, she’s grown to be very lovely indeed, so much like her mother.”

I bowed 15° at the man named Mr. Im. He too has a monolid eye just like mine, albeit intimidating. We were pulled towards a table and sat quietly. By then, Mr. Im raised his glass and fork then gave it a slight clink. Everybody fell silent and looked at the source of the sound.

            “Ladies and Gentlemen, tonight is the night I shall announce the engagement of my only son, Im Jaebum, and Mr. Kang’s only daughter, Kang Seulgi.”

A round of applause echoed inside the banquet hall. Jaebum, my so-called fiancé, and I stood up and bowed at the guest. He was beside me the whole time, and I didn’t even notice it.

            “It’s a pleasure to finally meet you, Seulgi.” He asked for a handshake with his hands raised in front of me, and I accepted it like what my father told me to do.

            “The pleasure is all mine, Mr. Im.”

            “Why, you don’t have to be so polite to me, Seulgi. You are to be my wife soon and thus, let’s drop this politeness shall we.”

            “As you wish, Jaebum.”

He smiled at me slightly and by that, I find him somewhat charming all of a sudden. My eyes darkened at that thought and I remain composed as I smiled back at him ever so slightly that it didn’t even reach my eyes. At least he is decent and well-mannered looking though or else I might suffer vertigo from looking after an ill-mannered and troublesome husband. I shook my head and sighed silently.

            ‘How fortunate and unfortunate of me.’

After that day, I went to school to tell my friends my unfortunate evening. Somehow, as a high school student, this engagement of mine became a burden to me. The feeling of finding love at this moment is somewhat very impossible for me to feel from this moment onwards. I was supposed to find love and understand it, but then this burden of engagement came and became a hindrance for me. I hate it. How fortunate of my friends to find and understand love.

            “What! You are engaged?!” The look of surprise was evident on my friends' faces.

            “That is correct.”

            “How do you feel about it?”

            “Honestly, I feel rather ghastly when I knew about my engagement, and yet there’s nothing I can do about it.” I looked at the outside by the window with my head on my palm with my gaze that somewhat distant.

            “That is true. Oh, you poor thing.”

On that very same day, my father announced to me that I am to be married by the time I finished high school. I didn’t even get the chance to retort at what he just stated. Does he not care for what I would feel about that announcement that I will not attend a college? It is my dream to go to college and yet he decided on his own again without my opinion. I was devasted. The moment I entered my room and closed the door, I slid against it and stared at nowhere. I don’t even have the strength to cry right now. All my dreams, all my ambitions in life were washed away by my responsibility as my father’s daughter and that I am to be wed to a total stranger for my father’s sake. As I gaze at nothingness, a warmth envelops me and that made me feel a little bit lighter on the inside.

*       *       *

Two years later, I am now married to Mr. Im’s son, Im Jaebum. At first, I thought this relationship wouldn’t work as I literally hate this marriage set up by my father. However, after a few days of being with him, I seem to have developed my feeling for him. I now came to a conclusion that I like him. Not love, but rather I like him. This is not love that I feel for him, it’s attachment and dependency. My friends gave me a poem to read so that I can come to a conclusion and comprehension of what I really feel about my now-husband. They gave me a poem entitled; The Meaning of Love.

The Meaning of Love

By: Karina Shah

To love is to share life together,
to build special plans just for two,
to work side by side,
and then smile with pride,
as one by one, dreams all come true.

To love is to help and encourage
with smiles and sincere words of praise,
to take time to share,
to listen and care
in tender, affectionate ways.

To love is to have someone special,
one on whom you can always depend
to be there through the years,
sharing laughter and tears,
as a partner, a lover, a friend.

To love is to make special memories
of moments you love to recall,
of all the good things
that sharing life brings.
Love is the greatest of all.

I've learned the full meaning
of sharing and caring
and having my dreams all come true;
I've learned the full meaning
of being in love
by being and loving with you.
 

And by that poem, I conclude that my feelings for my husband are not that deep. It is more on liking someone rather than loving someone. I don’t see myself loving my husband like what the poem said. Our relationship is purely for business. One year later after our marriage, he died. Although, I don’t know what is the full reason he died without saying goodbye to me. I mourned but I did not shed a tear. We didn’t even get a chance to have a child. I couldn’t cry any more after all that I’ve been through, and that toughened me enough to not shed a tear but I did feel sadness. He left me a present before he died, a house on the outskirts of town with a garden of pink camellias. I transferred there after my husband’s funeral. Years passed by and I grew old and frail. My only hobby in this house is to paint and looked after my husband’s flowers. After some time, I can’t even walk anymore because of my old and fragile body, and that my only way of transportation is by a wheelchair. I don’t have many days left in me and that I started to feel very numb.

I left my room and went outside to paint. The beauty of nature is something that I like the most. My caretaker readied my tools outside for me to paint. These big pink-lavender grasshoppers sail away on the hot wind, the burring of their flight as dry and scratchy as the long grass and the bake black rock. The dusty trail led through desperate-looking junipers. The grasshoppers clicking in the dry air. A cool restful shady world with light filtering lazily through the treetops that meet high overhead and shut out the direct sunlight. Oh, how lovely nature is. After appreciating nature, I began painting. I started painting a figure that I only saw for a brief moment because I don’t want to forget that moment. The moment my eyes saw the most beautiful woman in this world. Such exaggeration but it is the truth for me. My eyes smiled and crinkled at that thought.

              ‘I believe, I can meet with you again.’

Can I really meet you again crimson-eyed girl? although this is a selfish request, I want to meet you once more before I part with this world. After I finished painting, I saw the beauty of the woman in the painting, her crimson eyes are so mesmerizing to look at that I could get lost in them. I smiled and pushed my wheelchair towards my garden of pink camellias. I took a smell at them and sighed.

              ‘I want to rest now. I am very tired already.’

I closed my eyes for a minute and smiled as the gentle breeze pass by me. I opened my eyes and was shocked. I saw a woman in front of me with her crimson eyes staring right back at me. I noticed her pretty crimson eyes were filled with tears. A frown formed on my face as I look at her teary eyes, but why? I examine her body and notice a pair of bat wings on her back and a tail with an arrow-like head at its end. Oh my, how odd is her appearance. Perhaps, I am only dreaming, but something in me wants this to be a reality. How peculiar is she.

            “It’s you.”

            “You can see me?” The shock was written down on her face.

            “Certainly, although is it bad for me to see you?”

            “Not at all. I guess.”

She looked away from me and lowered her head. Perhaps, she is embarrassed. I chuckled slightly and my eyes smiled as they crinkled away.

            “Are you not afraid of me? I am a monster you see.”

            “Under no circumstances would I be afraid of you, unless you want to kill me that is.”

            “I see.”

            “If you are a monster as what you have told me, then what monster are you if you are this beautiful. Shouldn’t a monster, as what others say, ugly?”

            “I am a succubus.” She chuckled at my question.

            “That makes sense.”

            I looked at her looking out on the horizon in front of her. Her gaze seems distant to where she is.

            “Do you have a name?”

            “I don’t.”

            “I see. Then I’ll give you one right now.”

            “Ok.”

            “How about Irene? It came from the name of the Goddess of Peace. Since you are very serene to look at then I shall name you Irene.”

            “Irene. I like it.”

            “Very well.”

I coughed very loudly and my head began to spin. I saw the worried look on Irene’s face. I waved my hand at her to signal her that I am okay, but clearly, I am not. I could die any minute now; my suffering will be over from that moment onwards. I’ve been waiting for that moment where I can rest in peace, I am too old now.

            “What are you doing here anyway?”

            “The reason I am here is quite simple. I have one motive…I wish to see a human named Seulgi. That is all I want. That is really all I want. I desire nothing else.”

            “And why is that?”

And with my question, she cried. She hugged me and cried on my shoulder. Oh my, so heavy but I didn’t complain because she was sobbing heavily. I caress her head gently as she sobbed all the way. She let go and kneel in front of me as she held both of my hands.

            “Don’t leave me, please. I beg you. I’ve been by your side your whole life. I’ve never left your side, not even once. I’ve grown very fond of you, that’s why don’t leave me! Please! I am all alone in this world and you are the only one left so dear to me! ”

            “That long! I see. I’m sorry. I made you cry huh? It’s all my fault.”

            “You’re right. It’s all your fault.”

            “I’m sorry.”

            “If you are really sorry, then don’t leave me! Don’t leave me all alone! Are you not afraid of dying?”

            “I’m sorry but I can’t do that. I am afraid that my husband is waiting for me on the other side, and as her wife, it is my duty to follow him even in the afterlife.”

            “I hate you.” Her tears stopped falling as she said those words. It hurt me when she said that.

            “I’m sorry.”

My eyes sight darkens. I can seem to see clearly anymore. My heartbeat rose and my breath became heavy.

           “Hey, Irene. Thank you so much…For loving me.” I took a flower on my side and gave it to her.

           “You goddamn idiot. I don’t even love you.”

          “I had a good life, I think. Hey, Irene, I was very happy to meet you once again. I longed for the moment to see you once again, and it did come true. Thank you. For crying for me…Thank you. And now, it’s almost time for this dream to end.”

         “I hate you.” I hugged her and slowly, my sight began to disappear and I couldn’t hear a thing anymore. My consciousness is slowly fading away.

          “One last request. Forget me, after all.”

          “Don’t play around! Don’t play around with me!”

And by that, I fell asleep for a long, long time.

*       *       *

“I was there”

            “Humans are so selfish, are they not?”

I looked up from looking down at Seulgi’s cold dead body that is being dragged away by her caretaker who is, by the way, screaming for help, and saw one of my comrades looking at me pitifully

            “Absolutely.”

            “I told you not to love a human because they are the worst, and yet you disregarded my suggestion.”

            “I don’t love her. I’m in love with her.”

            “What’s the difference. It is still love.”

            “You were right, love is horrible.” She just chuckled at my pitiful state.

            “I told you so.”

Seulgi. Kang Seulgi. I hate you so much. I hate you so much for making me feel this way towards you. I hate you so much for only noticing me too late. As a succubus, it is forbidden for us to love someone because we are made for lust. And yet, I fell in love with you. I hate you so much! You are so selfish and that you didn’t even consider my feelings. You didn’t consider what I would feel if you left me. You are so selfish!

            “So, you are in love? ghastly right? it makes you so powerless. it opens up your heart and it implies that somebody can get inside you and jumble you up. You develop every one of these guards, you develop an entire suit of covering so that nothing can hurt you, at that point, one numbskull, the same as some other individual, meanders into your inept life...you give them a bit of you. They didn't request it. Love takes prisoners. it gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the murkiness, so basic an expression like 'I’m sorry, I don't love you' transforms into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It harms. Not simply in the creative mind. Not simply in the brain. Its spirit hurt, a genuine gets-inside-you-and-tears you-separated agony. That is why we succubus doesn’t fall in love nor love someone. It will be one of the reasons for our death one day.”

            “Meeting her and being together with her…I don’t regret it at all. Even if it hurts, it made me very happy sometimes.” I looked at the flower Seulgi gave me before she passed away. It is very pink, very lively perhaps.

            “Why, if it isn’t a pink camellia flower. Do you know the symbol behind this flower?”

            “No.” I looked at my comrade curiously.

            “It symbolizes a longing for someone and is given to someone who is missed.”

I looked at the flower and smiled slightly.

            ‘I hope you and your husband met in the afterlife, and that you’ll remember always that I don’t love you but I am in love with you.’

Goodbye.

I love you means I want you to be happy. I'm in love with you means I want you to be happy, even if it isn't with me.