Ouch. It hurts. My heart is breaking so fast, scaring away all the butterflies. Ouch. They fly away and the pieces of my heart lay broken in the shadows of my soul. “Call me, if you miss me”. , please, call me, Hwasa. 

I don't turn on the lights, they seem so useless now that I can't look at her. It's cold, because I opened the window, hoping to get rid of her perfume, but I don't care for wind right now. The canvas in front of me is black and my eyes tear it apart. My hands follow. It’s so loud all of a sudden. I hear someone knocking on my door, but I know it's not her, so what's the point in opening. The knocks don't stop. They're getting more demanding. My legs decide to live on their own.

And as I find myself on the way to the front door, my thoughts run wild remembering this damned words we threw at each other.

Step one.

"Can we just be honest?"

Step two.

"Shut up, you're lying"

Step three.

"Don't waste your time with me, babe"

Step four.

"Let me in, please, I love you"

Step five.

"I'm sorry"

Step six.

"We need a break"

Step eight

"Oh you and your break"

Solar is standing outside in her black work suit and with a glare that softens the moment she looks at me.

"Wina. Hey..."

"Hey..."

I feel her arms tighten around me and I suddenly let go. I don't hear her closing the door, I don't realise that she's carrying me until Solar puts me in bed crawling next to me. I just lay there in her arms and feel my lungs suffocate. If you loved me, why did you leave me? I close my eyes and see Hwasa’s face. First, she’s smiling that precious smile of hers that makes my heart ache even more, but then she’s crying and I can’t stand seeing her upset, so I open my eyes. Time bleeds and I painfully realise how deep the cut in my heart is. It can’t be it. She can’t leave me. We can’t go back to being strangers. However...maybe we already went there a long time ago. We were unsteady and I didn’t see the signs. Or ignored them. I even fought with Solar because of that. But here she is now. Picking up the pieces.

It gets easier to breathe after a while. It’s quiet and warm, Solar is slowly caressing my hair and I hear her steady heartbeat. 

“Go on. Say it” I whisper hoarsely.

“What?”

“I told you so?”

“Oh baby…”

I smile at the nickname. She didn’t call me that for all two years of me and Hwasa dating. I was upset, but she usually just winked at me and said something like “you have that to call you that”. She liked Hwasa. She was the first person that I dated, who wasn’t afraid of Solar. They called each other “nice” nicknames and had beer nights without me. Oh god. What happened to us. 

“What you had was special, Wina. But there are things that just don’t last. You can’t get a prescription for that” 

“I know”

“You’ll be alright”

“I know”

“We’ll get through this. Together”

“I know”

10

We met on the train

9

Had a first date at Han river

8

Moved in a year later

7

Had a cat (though she’s allergic)

6

I had my first art exhibition. Her portrait was the highlight.

5

Had our first big fight.

4

She released her first album. The song about me was a hit.

3

She went to her hometown for a week. She didn’t call me. Or text me.

2

We had another fight.

1

She took a train to Daegu. 

“Sorry” 

"Me too"