===*===
2011

“You look tired,” Chanhee said, leaning his head into Minsu’s shoulder comfortably. The van was cramped and tight, as always, but tonight Chanhee didn’t mind as much. Minsu was warm and still a little damp with sweat. He smelt of heavy makeup and hairspray. 

“I am,” Minsu hummed, leaning his own head onto Chanhee’s. “I didn’t know promotions would be this hard.”

“Me either.” Chanhee closed his eyes, drifting into a doze despite the noise of a small argument that Changhyun and Niel were having in front of them. 

He was jostled awake by Minsu, his shoulder being shaken. Chanhee blinked and squinted up through the ugly yellow light of the interior. Minsu was smirking, his eyes crinkled a little as he looked down at Chanhee. 

“We’re back,” Minsu said, “Come on. You can sleep in a bed now.”

Chanhee blinked again. His mouth was oddly dry and he swallowed against it. 

“Thanks,” he said, trying to shake off the strange dislocation he felt. It must have been the half a nap he had managed. He felt a little disoriented. A little like the gravity of the Earth had shifted suddenly. 

With unsteady movement, he climbed out of the van and followed the rest of the members into the dorm. He really needed more sleep.

===*===
2012

The cool summer night breeze against his sweaty skin was everything he needed. Minsu wandered along at the back of the pack. His younger members hooting and hollering together as they wound their way down to the convenience store. After two years he was finally adjusting to the crazy schedules they were expected to keep. His body was almost always tired and sore, but at least he could deal with the stress better these days. After their first win on a show it no longer felt like every hitch and bump along the way was going to spell their downfall. 

They filed into the store, the kids immediately seeking out the sweets aisle. Minsu followed, too tired to really care. 

“Hey, that’s bad for you,” Chanhee’s voice was loud enough to hear from the aisle over. “You’ll rot all your teeth out. And your skin will break out.”

“But I’m hungry,” Changhyun complained. 

“Then eat real food.” 

Minsu smiled to himself. He sidled up to the ramen shelves and browsed the selection slowly. He listened as Niel and Byunghun had a small quarrel over the last packet of chips on the shelf. He listened as Chanhee continued to berate Changhyun over his food choices until he was satisfied. 

“Are you eating?” Chanhee’s voice was closer than he was expecting. 

Minsu gave a small start. He wasn’t particularly hungry, but late-night ramen was always tempting. He gave a shrug. 

“Here,” Chanhee said and leaned forward to take two ramen bowls down. “I’ll make it. You should eat.”

“Oh.” Minsu’s stomach gave a strange shuddery sensation. “Thank you. I’ll pay.”

“You don’t have to,” Chanhee said. He gave his usual smile up at Minsu.

“No, I want to. Let me. I’m older.” Minsu gave a slow blink and smiled back. 

He took the ramen from Chanhee’s hands and lined up at the counter. 

“Are you paying?” Niel asked, slipping into place beside Minsu with a wheedling smile.

“Is hyung paying?” Changhyun appeared as well. 

Minsu rolled his eyes, giving a beleaguered huff.

“Thanks, Minsu.” Byunghun laid his food on the counter with the rest of them.

Jonghyun added his to the pile, giving a thankful smile and muttering his own gratitude. 

Minsu didn’t bother to argue. He watched the cashier ring it all up and merely passed his card over in silence. He would think about the issue of money for the rest of the week when it wasn’t 1 am. 

“Sorry,” Chanhee mumbled, helping him with the ridiculous amount of food the others had foisted upon him. 

“Don’t worry about it,” Minsu said, smiling easily. “You know what they’re like with stuff like that.”

True to his word, Chanhee took the ramen and set about making it for the both of them. Jonghyun hovered by his elbow, making is own.

“Will you make mine?” Niel asked, his wheedling look back in place as he tried it on Chanhee. 

“No, make your own,” Chanhee said, face bright and happy. 

“But you’re making Minsu’s,” Niel complained and lined up beside Jognhyun. 

“He paid for everyone, the least I can do is make his for him.” Chanhee took the two bowls and led the way to the benches. 

It may have been the teasing way Chanhee had said it, or the fact that he had stuck it to Niel so efficiently, but the shuddery sensation in Minsu’s stomach rose again. He smiled and accepted the ramen. 

“Thank you,” he said. 

Chanhee’s smile widened and he gave a mute nod. 

===*===
2012

Sour, repulsive embarrassment was gripping Chanhee’s stomach. Every time the memory hit him again his body gave another spasm of second-hand shame. 

“The fans say you’re obsessed with Niel.” 

Chanhee wanted to vomit. It honestly left him feeling slightly nauseous as he thought about it. 

He had thought he would be used to the casual teasing from MCs but that one had struck a nerve. It struck so hard he couldn’t seem to shake it off. 

“Chanhee, are you paying attention?” The manager’s voice rattled around his brain before he could reply.

“Uh, yes, sorry.” Chanhee smiled and bent his mind back to the task at hand. He wasn’t allowed to be so distracted by some stupid passing joke on a show. He had to concentrate. There was always something else to be doing these days. 

That night in bed, despite his exhaustion, Chanhee lay staring at the ceiling in the dim light. He was still being poked and prodded by the words. Why did he care so much? It was a stupid joke. 

Yes, Minsu enjoyed messing about with Niel. He enjoyed laying all over him and teasing him until he got a reaction. They were friends. They were close. All of them were close. 

They had already worked through the idea of shipping that the fans indulged in and come to peace with it. The six of them had been thrown together from such a young age that they couldn’t help but be this close with one another, shipping or not. 

Chanhee tossed an arm over his eyes and gave a soft growl in his throat. He wasn’t going to let this stupid comment take up anymore space in his brain. He was going to sleep. He didn’t care that others thought Minsu was in love with Niel. Even if he was, it had nothing to do with Chanhee. 

Gripping that thought tight, he rolled face down and willed himself to sleep. 

===*===
2013

Minsu frowned as one of his braids was tugged from behind. He turned, ready to snap that “it really wasn’t funny anymore” but found Chanhee smiling at him. The irritation fizzled and Minsu rolled his eyes instead. 

Chanhee’s eyes were slightly bloodshot from filming all night. The thick Hong Kong humidity and smog was oppressive. Minsu was thankful that he at least got a sleeveless shirt, Chanhee was stuck in a satin dress-shirt.  

“You look tired,” Minsu mumbled. His eyes skittered off Chanhee to watch as Jonghyun and Changhyun played kai-bai-bo over some irrelevant choice. 

“I’m fine,” Chanhee’s voice was a little croaky. “It’s the dust and humidity. My eyes are so itchy.”

“Do you have a mask?” Minsu asked, letting himself steal another look as Chanhee sniffed and wiped his eyes careful of his makeup.

“Mm. Doesn’t cover my eyes though.” Chanhee gave his usual smile and sniffed again. 

“You could try. You’d look better like that,” Minsu smirked and snorted as Chanhee gave him a withering look. 

“Thanks so much,” Chanhee huffed. “Are you OK? You look angry.”

“Ah, they think it’s hilarious to pull on the extensions.” Minsu waved a hand at Changhyun. 

“Poor old man,” Chanhee gave a laugh that made Minsu’s mood instantly lighter. “You have the toughest job.”

“Niel helps a lot,” Minsu said with a shrug. He glanced around to find that Niel hadn’t returned from his section of filming yet. 

“Mm.” 

“I just can’t do the casual bull he does.” Minsu rubbed at the back of his neck. 

“Mm.”

“It’s good that him and the others are so excitable. Takes the pressure off me.” Minsu stared at the pavement, kicking the sole of his boot against it. 

“You do a good job,” Chanhee said, something odd in his tone carrying beneath the words. 

Minsu looked up to find him looking away, staring at Byunghun as he sat against a wall and played on his phone. His chest gave a heavy thud and Minsu blinked a little. He pressed his lips together and tried to quieten his heart. He could have sworn that felt like a surge of jealousy. 

As he looked away, trying to figure out what had just happened, Minsu caught sight of Niel and the stylists returning.

“Niel is back,” Minsu said, trying to skip over the weird energy in his body. “Hopefully we can stop soon.”

“Mm.” Chanhee’s shoulders shrunk a little and he nodded back. Without another word he walked away, moving to where Byunghun was sitting and folding down beside him. 

Minsu nipped at his top lip. He was so confused. Had he upset Chanhee? Had he upset himself? Why did he have a sinking feeling all of a sudden?

===*===
2013

Touring was like riding a roller coaster. Chanhee felt like each time he reached a euphoric high he was destined to crash hard into the ground once more. Travel and concerts and filming and jokes all gave way to homesickness, culture shock and a deep, ading sense of loneliness.

It didn’t help that Byunghun had been brooding for the last hour in the hotel room either. After a rather explosive argument with his girlfriend over the phone, Byunghun had flung himself onto the bed and sunk in to a sullen mood. Tired of walking on eggshells, Chanhee slipped out into the hall and went in search of coffee. 

He found Niel coming back from the street with a takeaway cup in either hand. 

“Where’s mine?” Chanhee , trying to throw off his moroseness. 

“Ah, I didn’t think you were awake,” Niel smiled. “I got this one for Minsu.”

Of course he had. Chanhee fought to keep his face blithe. 

“Where is the cafe?” He asked instead. 

“Just down and around the corner. It’s easy to find.” Niel gave him another bright smile and continued on for the elevator. 

He nodded his thanks and moved out into the cold air. He refused to let himself sulk over Niel as well. He was supposed to be having the time of his life. He was supposed to be twenty and free to do what he wanted. This was the time he was supposed to be abroad and irresponsible. 

Instead he was scowling at the beautiful old city around him and thinking of a certain man couped up in a hotel room with his hotter, younger member. The hotter, younger member that brought him coffee. The member that probably kept him up all night with—. 

Chanhee sighed. It was about time he gave up the denial. He had been so good at lying to himself for three years but lately his snarky jealousy was like a neon sign in his brain. 

He couldn’t have placed when it started, but he knew it was all but inescapable now. Chanhee was in love? In like? In admiration? He didn’t really know. All he could place was that he had intense feelings for Bang Minsu that, even after three years of ignorance, wouldn’t fade. It had been traumatising enough to come to terms with the less-than-straight leanings he had while being in the spotlight as an idol. He had all but run from the idea that some of those leanings were leaning him toward Bang Minsu in particular. 

Being trapped on tour with them had brought the jealousy out in full force. Watching Minsu and Niel be paired off into a hotel room had set a violent fire raging in Chanhee’s chest that had taken two days to calm. It was still embering away at his heart, flaring with each new revelation; such as Niel bringing back coffee. 

The real problem, Chanhee forced all irritation out of his brain as he thought about it, was that he had no idea what to do. He absolutely couldn’t confess. He did not need to make things awkward and awful over a trifle of a crush. But he was so angry. He was so ready to strangle Niel for something that wasn’t even his fault. He was ready to rain wrath and fury down on Minsu purely because he hadn’t shown any sign that Chanhee meant more to him than anyone else. 

It left him stranded. He couldn’t make his feelings go away. He had already tried that for three years. He also couldn’t tell Minsu his feelings. That was more terrifying than any other uncomfortable sensation he lived with. 

Chanhee put everything on pause as he ordered coffee and collected it. He checked his phone, making sure no one was searching for him. Nothing. 

As he wandered back with his coffee, Chanhee heaved a pained sigh. He would have to lie. That was his only option from here on out. He was an idol, they lived plenty of lies already, what was one more? One more that would keep the group together and the members happy. He could do that.

===*===
Late 2013

November was a wonderful time of year to Minsu. The days were getting shorter, he could spend more time in bed doing nothing, and their promotions were finished for the year. There would be some Christmas special or other, but until December he could just live like a normal human being for a while. He could live without the constant pressure to perform and the overwhelming stress of being perfect.

He was dozing away on the bed when someone knocked on his door and poked their head in. 

“Hey, did you want anything to eat? I’m going to the store,” Chanhee said.

Minsu looked at him for a long moment. Here was the only other source of stress he had. Lee Chanhee had been particularly difficult to get along with all year. He had shining moments of kindness interspersed between fits of sulking and coldness. Minsu could not figure it out and after almost six months of trying, he had given up. 

Some days he wanted to corner him and talk it out. Press him for answers as to why Chanhee was consistently cool to him after three years of friendship. But that wasn’t the way Minsu was. It wasn’t the way the group was. If Chanhee had a problem, he could bring it up himself. 

“Uh, yeah,” Minsu said, realising he hadn’t answered at all. “Do you mind if I tag along? I don’t know what I want.”

Chanhee’s face twitched, almost reaching his familiar smile but fading quickly. 

“You always get the same thing,” Chanhee said. “I thought you’d prefer to stay in here.”

“Maybe I think I want something different.” Minsu swung himself up and stretched. “Maybe I think I need a walk.”

He didn’t think either of those things. He wanted to spend time with Chanhee while he was in a kind mood, who knew when it would happen again.

“Alright.” Chanhee gave a noncommittal shrug. His head disappeared from the doorway. 

When Minsu caught up to him in the entryway he was already wearing a beanie and jacket. Minsu didn’t bother to rush, pulling his own jacket on and sliding into his shoes. 

Chanhee’s blond had finally been dyed back to black, short wisps of it showing at his temples and fringe from under the hat. Minsu couldn’t help but like the darker hair better. It was possible he was biased as he had dyed his own hair back as soon as the promotions had finished too. 

“What are you doing for the time off?” Minsu asked, following Chanhee out of the dorm and into the stairwell. 

“I don’t know,” Chanhee said. He dug his hands into his pockets and shrugged. “Probably just hang around and practice. I might go home a while.”

“You work too much,” Minsu joked. 

There was no reply. Sweet Chanhee was dissolving before his eyes. Minsu frowned, giving a soft sigh as they pushed into the cold night and set off for the convenience store. 

“What are you doing for time off?” Chanhee asked, giving a sniff and settling a mask over his face. 

“I plan to sleep. I need to go and visit my mum too,” Minsu said. He pressed his lips together. In the past he could have suggested they travel together. They were from the same hometown. Now, Minsu held back. It was such a strange place to be with Chanhee. He felt like he had lost his footing and was consistently stumbling. 

“You need to be well rested for the tour,” Chanhee said. 

As they passed beneath a streetlight, Minsu caught a sadness in his eyes. 

“You don’t want to go?” He asked. 

“Ah, no, it’ll be great.” Chanhee turned, his eyes crinkling as he smiled beneath his mask. It sent a shiver of unease through Minsu. There was something off about it that he couldn’t place. 

He added it to the pile of ‘off’ things in their relationship lately. 

With habitual ease, the pair of them shuffled into the store. Chanhee pulled down the two ramen bowls for them. He didn’t bother to ask Minsu which one he wanted, already knowing the answer. Minsu took them, paid and passed them back to Chanhee to make. 

“One of these days I’ll tell you to make your own,” Chanhee said, emptying the sachets into each bowl. 

“You wouldn’t do that to me,” Minsu stepped closer and nudged Chanhee with his hip. “You always make my ramen. And I always pay. Somehow I think I’m the one getting cheated in this deal.”

“Please,” Chanhee snorted. “You can afford an extra ramen bowl. And I could afford it too, when I do tell you to make your own.”

“Why would you tell me to make my own?” Minsu wrapped his arms around Chanhee’s middle and rested his head on his shoulder. “It’s tradition.”

“You’re full of ,” Chanhee snipped. 

Minsu hummed. He frowned, confused a moment as he waited for something to happen. Chanhee did not struggle in his grip or slide out of his arms as he usually would. Unless there were cameras present, Chanhee had a habit of avoiding Minsu’s touch lately. It was comforting and familiar to be able to just hold him again without being shunted off. 

They watched steam rise from the covering on the bowls, easy silence between them. 

“OK. Ready,” Chanhee said. He turned, the smile beneath his mask true this time. His eyes sparkled a little, only a few centimetres from Minsu’s face. Everything else kind of faded off. The jangled music muffled and the shrill beep of scanning items falling away. 

Minsu smiled back. He held Chanhee’s eyes, drinking in the joy he could see in them. It felt like the first sip of water after an intense run. It felt like stepping into a cool breeze on a humid day. 

“If we don’t eat it, they’ll go soggy,” Chanhee said. He cleared his throat and began to break from Minsu’s arms.

“Yes. Thank you,” Minsu said. He blinked and gave himself a small shake on the inside. He clearly hadn’t realised how much he had been missing Chanhee’s friendship.

===*===
2014 

“Chanhee,” Byunghun said through the dark. 

“Mm?” Chanhee dragged himself back from the edge of sleep to reply. 

“Are you alright?” There was a concern in his tone that Chanhee rarely heard.

Chanhee lay still and silent. He weighed his reply. He could lie, he could tell Byunghun to shut up and go to sleep, or he could actually talk about the deep, leaking sadness in his chest he couldn’t seem to stop. 

“No,” Chanhee said. He rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling. 

“I didn’t think so.” Byunghun moved in his own bed. “What’s wrong?”

Everything was wrong. The timezone was wrong in North America. The fact that he hadn’t eaten a proper Korean meal in a month was wrong. The small catch in his throat was wrong and therefore his singing was also wrong. Life was wrong. Chanhee himself was wrong.

“We’re friends, right?” Chanhee said at last. “We’re more than just members and the same age, right?”

“Of course,” Byunghun replied. 

Chanhee turned to glance at him. Byunghun was laying on his side, watching Chanhee through the darkness. 

“Byunghun,” Chanhee started before his racing heart could hold him back. He cleared his throat and gripped the edge of the blanket in his fingers, running them over the rimpled seam. “I don’t think I’m straight.”

His heartbeat rushed through his entire body. It was filling his ears and his throat and his stomach all at once. 

“OK,” Byunghun said. “That’s OK.”

Chanhee went limp. The fear and adrenaline leaving him sagged on the mattress. 

“Is that the only thing?” Byunghun spoke when it became clear that Chanhee was unable to. 

“Is that not big enough?” Chanhee laughed, a strange lightness coming over his whole body. His confession didn’t even scratch the surface of what was truly wrong and upsetting him, but it still lifted an enormous weight from his soul. 

“I mean,” Byunghun gave a small laugh, “I thought it might be something else.”

Chanhee’s lips twisted and he considered confessing the rest. He pulled himself back. No, the other things were bigger than just him. The other thing had the potential to rip them all asunder and they were more successful than ever before. He would keep that to himself.

“No. Just the, y’know, not-straight feelings.” Chanhee rolled to face Byunghun in the other bed. “Does it weird you out?”

“No,” Byunghun said and shook his head. “I don’t care about stuff like that. Why? Do you have a crush on me?”

They both laughed, more tension falling away from Chanhee’s shoulders as Byunghun joked about it. He had been hauling around the dirty guilt of being gay for so long, he hadn’t ever realised it could be something to joke about. 

“No. Sorry to destroy you and all those shippers dreams. But I don’t have a crush on you,” Chanhee said. He gave another weak laugh and pulled the sheet up to dab his sudden tears away. 

It was on the tip of his tongue. He ached to say it. His stomach pulsed, almost trying to force the words out from the inside. 

“That’s OK.” Byunghun yawned a little. “It’s probably better if you don’t try and date one of us anyway.” The words were nonchalant even as they pierced Chanhee’s chest with stinging pain. “I can’t imagine how complicated it would get to date a member.”

“No danger of that happening,” Chanhee forced his voice out. “You’re all safe.”

“Do you feel a little better?” Byunghun asked gently. “I’ve noticed you’ve been struggling lately.”

“I do feel better.” Chanhee rolled back onto his back. “Thanks. It’s just homesickness.” 

“OK.” 

Chanhee closed his eyes, holding his tender heart close and trying to fight the torrents of sadness the conversation had released. He had built a dam against his feelings over the last year and a half and with a few words Byunghun had brought it crashing down. Chanhee rolled away, pressing his face into his pillow and allowing a few small tears to leak out. 

===*===
2014 Guam

Minsu did not think it counted as a holiday if there were cameras filming in bedrooms. He also didn’t believe a holiday should come with such a rigid schedule and ridiculous interviews from their PDs. Guam was not a holiday. 

It was a ty way to be repaid for their hardwork. It was just one more ty part of being an idol. Minsu did his best to ignore the camera hanging over him as he scrolled his phone and waited for his roommate to be assigned. 

Holidays shouldn’t involve roommates either. He frowned, remembered the camera and schooled his face back to normal. 

He could hear someone approach. He dashed into the hall with a cry. Changhyun yelled and frowned at him. 

Minsu’s irritation mounted. Now he had to share with Changhyun? He was too precious to sleep in the same room. He was too precious for almost everything these days. 

No. It was too much. Minsu stalked back to the lounge and announced he refused to share with Changhyun. No one argued with him at all, perhaps for the first time being the oldest was working for him. Changhyun took a moment of persuasion but shifted rooms. 

Minsu stretched out on the bed and sighed. He just wanted to go home. At least there he could sleep without a damn camera monitoring him. 

“Minsu, you’ll share with me!” Chanhee called, coming down the hall. 

He couldn’t fight his reaction. Minsu leapt to his feet and tried to escape. Chanhee caught him with one arm, laughing loudly. 

Minsu laughed as well, trying to hide the electric shock that Chanhee’s touch had sent through his body. He gave up the fight quickly, unsure whether he wanted to keep Chanhee close to him or throw his arm off. 

 The camera followed them in, the operator giggling at his reaction as well. Minsu gave a dramatic sigh and threw himself back onto his bed. When it became obvious they wouldn’t have any further interactions, the camera left again. 

Minsu closed his eyes behind his sunglasses and tried to calm his breathing. He had never expected Chanhee to want to be close enough to him to share a room. But then again, this wasn’t a holiday, this was work. Chanhee was fine at pretending while they were working. 

As if to illustrate the point, Chanhee climbed onto Minsu’s bed and leaned up to get a better look at the camera above them. His thigh brushed Minsu’s hair, the warmth radiating off him and sending a fresh jolt of electricity through Minsu. And then he was gone, wandering off to his own side of the room and settling himself in. 

Minsu’s finger scrolled the phone along but he wasn’t paying any attention. The warm, strong feeling of Chanhee’s arm around his waist was pressing in on him. Minsu set his phone down and closed his eyes for a long moment. He could hear the others making noise and being stupid with one another.

“Are you OK to share with me?” Chanhee said, voice quiet. “I can switch with Niel if you’d prefer it.”

Minsu pulled his glasses off and turned to look at Chanhee properly. He was standing by the window, peeking out through the curtains. The lights of the resort were catching on his cheeks and brow. 

“It’s OK,” Minsu said. “I’m just tired from the flight and schedule lately. It feels cruel to send us on a holiday to work and film.”

Chanhee’s cheeks shifted, a smile on his face that sent a sludge of discomfort into Minsu. 

“Mm, it’s only four days though.” Chanhee turned back from the window and came to sit on his own bed. “Then you can have a proper holiday.”

Minsu was moments from getting up and crossing the room to sit beside him when the PD returned. He grimaced, listening and following orders to change and meet in the lounge for their event for that evening. 

By the time they made it back from bowling and late night snacks, Minsu’s mood was considerably brighter. As much as he hated to admit it, the other dorks helped keep him sane. 

Minsu climbed into the bed and sighed. He was exhausted again. 

Chanhee flicked the bathroom light off and crossed to Minsu’s bed. His heart leapt. For a strange instant he thought Chanhee was about to climb in with him. 

Instead he climbed onto the bed and clicked the camera off from recording. 

Minsu shook his head a little and pressed his lips hard. Of course. Why would he ever expect Chanhee to climb in to his bed. 

“Night,” he managed, still shuffling through the myriad of emotions he had just experienced. He was amazed to find sadness, anger and a tingle of excited expectation in the mix. 

“Minsu?” Chanhee’s voice was loud enough that he could tell he hadn’t climbed into the bed yet. 

“Mm?”

“I need to tell you something,” Chanhee said. 

The soft, fearful tone set Minsu on high alert. His muscles tightening on their own as he readied himself. He couldn’t stop the screaming thought that he might finally be told what he had done to hurt Chanhee so much that their relationship was in tatters.

“OK,” he spoke when Chanhee remained silent. 

“I… no one else knows except Byunghun…” Chanhee sighed. 

Minsu sat up onto his elbows, brow furrowed as he waited. 

“I’m gay.”

The words sent a jolt right through to Minsu’s toes. He blinked and frowned hard through the dark. 

“Oh,” Minsu said. He could hear his own voice was a little strangled and cleared his throat. “I don’t know what I expected you to say. But that wasn’t it.”

He heard Chanhee’s sigh. 

“I mean, I don’t care,” Minsu clarified. He could feel his face heat and throat constrict. He was so bad at this stuff. “Really. It isn’t something that I care about. Uh, thank you for telling me?”

There was more silence. Minsu shuffled in the bed, sitting up and rubbing at his cheeks. 

“Are you OK?” He asked as Chanhee remained completely mute. 

“Yes.” The word was raspy. “Are you sure you don’t care?”

“Yeah,” Minsu shrugged automatically. “I’ve known you for years. You’re like family, I guess.”

“Thanks,” Chanhee gave a small, wet sniff. 

Without even thinking about it, Minsu tossed the blanket off and crossed to Chanhee’s bed. He folded himself down by the outline of Chanhee and pulled him into his shoulder tight. 

He felt the barest resistance before Chanhee melted into him properly. 

Minsu pressed his cheek into Chanhee’s hair and inhaled his scent. His body tingled and heart stammered just slightly at it. It was almost as though he had withdrawals. Like he was an alcoholic that had just gotten his first taste of wine once more. 

“Is this what you’ve been so cold to me over?” Minsu whispered, wishing he could catch the words and stuff them back into his mouth as soon as they were gone. 

“,” Chanhee gave a small sob. 

“It is?” Minsu sighed and squeezed Chanhee tighter. “You thought I’d hate you over it?”

Hands tangled into Minsu’s tank top and held tight. He turned his body into Chanhee’s and rocked them a little. 

“I’d never hate you,” Minsu whispered. 

“I’ll never hate you either,” Chanhee’s voice was hoarse with emotion. 

“Can we go back to how we were?” Minsu sighed and bumped his forehead against Chanhee’s hair lightly. “Now I know, can we be normal again?”

Chanhee gave a weak laugh and a small hiccoughing sob. He nodded, pressing his face against Minsu’s neck. 

Warm delight filled Minsu properly. Tension fell away from his shoulders and he almost pressed a kiss into Chanhee’s hair. He blinked, surprised at his own reaction. He tossed it away, that was for future Minsu to organise. Right now, he held Chanhee a little tighter, revelling in it as long as he could. 

===*===
2015 

White hot pain was impaling him. He fought to move anything but seemed to be pinned to the spot by it. 

“Ah, , sorry,” Niel gave a slight sniff and released Minsu from his embrace. “I didn’t know you were coming back today.”

“Oh, sorry.” Chanhee tried for a smile. It stretched his face and contorted his features in an uncomfortable way. “I’ll just drop my stuff off and go.”

“You don’t have to,” Niel said, waving his hands.

“Really,” Chanhee moved at last. He stepped past them and dropped his things into a bedroom. “I was just leaving that stuff here before I went to the company. I’ll see you later.”

Turning on his heel he escaped the dorm once more. 

Before he completely lost it, Chanhee ducked into the stairwell and raced to the roof. The wind tore at him but he ignored it. The tearing on the inside was overshadowing everything. 

Chanhee moved to tuck himself behind an air-conditioner and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. The image of them rose to torture him further. 

Minsu standing flush against Niel, his back and kissing his hair with such tenderness than Chanhee felt his heart might truly have been torn from his chest. Niel had been clinging to him with a level of abandon he rarely saw in any of them.

Jealousy, anger, and fear all vied for prime position in his body. Each one making his chest throb with pain without reprieve. Chanhee swiped at his eyes, trying desperately to stem the constant flow of tears. He couldn’t do this. He couldn’t keep living like this. He had to stop. 

He had to. 

No human could live with a pain like this. 

He couldn’t live like this much longer. His eyes set upon the wall around the edge of the roof. For more than a little while he contemplated the idea of it. Slowly, the throb of torment in his body faded to a low hum and Chanhee shook the idea off for good. 

He was being over-dramatic. This was not the end of the world. It had been five years. He had been blindsided was all. He was almost over Minsu. He had seen other people since Guam, it was fine. He was fine. 

Chanhee gave a bitter laugh and shook his head. He stared at the sky and rolled his eyes. Why the hell did he have to choose the hardest way to do anything?

He was going to be supportive. He was happy for them. Truly, beneath the searing sensation in his stomach, Chanhee loved them both like family. He wanted to see them happy more than he wanted to indulge his own ridiculous feelings. 

With a sharp stab Chanhee realised that Minsu was clearly not-so-straight as well and those feelings had never manifested anything but camaraderie between them. He really was living with unrequited love of the highest order. How ed up could he make things for himself before he just let his feelings go?

Another bitter chuckle forced itself through him at the thought. If he could force himself to let these feelings go he would have years ago. If he could stop putting his heart and mind through this masochism he would have. Surely, he would have. 

Except that every single person he tried to date never seemed to be what he was looking for. Chanhee kept them all at an arms length, unable to trust them, unable to let go of his idea of what they should be. Unable to let go of the swooping joy that only Bang Minsu gave him. 

“What are you doing?” Byunghun’s voice sent Chanhee’s head back so fast it cracked hard into the case of the unit he was tucked against. 

He gave a cry and grimaced up at the stupid rapper. 

“Ouch, did that hurt?” Byunghun gave a small laugh and reached down to help him to his feet. 

“What are you doing up here?” Chanhee asked, climbing to his feet and dusting himself off. His tailbone set up an ache, just to mix with all the other forms of pain he was receiving today.

“I might be sneaking a cigarette,” Byunghun sighed. “Don’t tell the managers.”

“You said you quit,” Chanhee frowned, moving them over to the edge. 

“I wont tell anyone I found you, if you don’t tell them I was smoking.” Byunghun lit his cigarette and smiled. “You wanna talk about it?”

Chanhee sneered at the horizon. He knew he looked a mess. He could feel that his eyes were red-rimmed and his hair was frazzled from running his hands through it.

“Boy troubles?” Byunghun said, giving Chanhee an encouraging smile. 

“Something like that,” Chanhee sighed. He leaned his hands on the edge of the wall and stared down at the street, making himself a little dizzy. 

“Tell me about it,” Byunghun said, drawing Chanhee back from the edge a little. “You’ll feel better.”

Chanhee sighed once more. He fluffed at his hair before trying to tame it back into a semblance of order. His defences were in ruins. Normally he could smile it off, wave the questions away and make a joke. Today he was perforated from all sides, bits and pieces of him weeping out of each gap in the battlements. 

“Remember on tour,” Chanhee turned and leaned against the wall with his back. “We joked I shouldn’t fall in love with a member because it would complicate everything?”

He stared at the cement beneath his feet, heart so worn out it couldn’t even muster a rapid pace anymore. 

“I do,” Byunghun said. “Who?”

Chanhee gritted his teeth. He shook his head and clenched his fists tight enough to feel his nails bite against the palms. 

“Me?” Byunghun gave a breath of laughter to show he was joking. 

“I’m glad to know it isn’t that obvious that you already know,” Chanhee said, stalling as he gathered his courage. “Bang Minsu.”

He glanced up. Byunghun’s face was mild. He nodded and took a drag of his cigarette. 

“Did you know?” Chanhee whispered.

“I might have had a small idea after our conversation.” Byunghun nodded again. “Honestly only because I was watching for it.”

“Why?” Chanhee closed his eyes and shuddered with shame. 

“You really weren’t OK, Chanhee.”

“Well, I’m so clearly OK now.” Chanhee laughed and let it fall into a slight sob. “Did you know about Niel and Minsu too?”

This time Byunghun’s expression jumped to shock. His eyebrows scooting high and hand pausing the cigarette in midair. 

“Yeah, me either. Until now when I walked in to find Minsu kissing Niel’s hair as they hugged.” Chanhee’s soul spasmed with pain again. He stared at the sky and tried for the thousandth time to just let him go. 

“Well, then,” Byunghun said. His tone was dry as dust. “That’s a choice they have made, I suppose.”

Chanhee laughed. He turned to find Byunghun looking incredulous. 

“It is,” Chanhee agreed, a little of the hurt truly fading now. “I’m not mad. I’m hurt. But I have never said anything to either of them about my feelings so if they want to… they can.”

“Mm.”

“Thanks for listening to me and my boy troubles.” Chanhee gave a half-hitched smile. 

“No problem. As long as our little friend here stays a secret,” Byunghun crushed the cigarette out and dropped it into the bin by the door. “Are you finished having a breakdown because I’m dying for a coffee and we do need to get to the company soon.”

“Yes.” Chanhee scrubbed his face again. “All done. Do I look OK?”

“Yes,” Byunghun said with a kind smile. “I will need to change, I know I smell like smoke.”

“I’ll meet you on the street.” Chanhee no longer wanted to fling himself into traffic but that did not mean he was ready to see either Minsu or Niel yet. He was happy for them. It just might take another day or two to be able to show it convincingly. 

===*=== 
2016 

Lips pressed tight and rumpled in an expression of resignation, Minsu gave a curt nod. He had seen it coming. He had felt it coming. Didn’t make it hurt any less as Niel nodded right back. Something about the tender apology in his eyes was making everything so much worse. 

“We’ll be OK,” Niel said, clearly trying to convince both of them.

“Yes.” Minsu couldn’t muster any other response. 

“Just… let me know if you want me to stay away or anything.” Niel wrung his hands together and gave a final nod. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be,” Minsu said. Don’t bother, he meant. 

With another apologetic look, Niel turned and slipped out of the apartment. 

Minsu bit down hard on his lips, the physical pain doing nothing to distract from the loss. He turned and wandered to the bedroom. Bangja following him and jumping up to curl into his legs. 

“Good girl,” Minsu said. 

A year was a pretty good run, Minsu had to admit it. They had made it work for an entire year before things reached breaking point. ‘Made it work’ was the only way it could be put. Being with Niel was never easy. There were light moments, fun moments, moments where they made each other happy enough to forget the rest of it. The rest being the consistent panic, fear and anxiety. 

Minsu ran his hands over Bangja’s coat and gave a sigh. He knew it would end. They were a relationship of convenience. They had started out of desperation for someone to understand them, someone to be close enough to comfort them. But Niel no longer needed comfort. And Minsu was tired of giving it endlessly. So here they were. Or weren’t. 

His phone rang. He let it go. If it was Niel he couldn’t handle it. If it was anyone else he didn’t care.

It buzzed again. He ignored it, busy steeping in his misery.

It rang a third time. Bangja raised her head and looked at him steadily. 

“Alright, alright,” he said to the dog and grabbed the phone. “Hello?”

“Minsu?” It was his sister’s voice. “You need to come home. It’s mum.”

He pressed his hand to his forehead and tamped down on the rampant anger that rose through him. What a ing cherry on top of the cake.

===*===
2017

“You can’t do this,” Chanhee said, phone pressed so hard to his ear it was leaving a mark. 

“I already did. I’m sorry,” Byunghun sighed through the line. “I am, truly.”

“Byunghun, come on, please,” Chanhee rapped his knuckles against the kitchen bench and clenched his eyes tight.

“No, Chanhee, I won’t.” The voice in the phone was changing, anger filtering in. “It’s been seven years of waiting. I’m tired of waiting. They’re never going to give us what we deserve. They’re too scared.” 

“I know that you’re frustrated—”

“I am!” Byunghun cut him off. “I am frustrated. And I refuse to put up with it.”

“Why can’t you just wait until after promotions?” Chanhee pleaded. He pressed his fingers into his temple and turned to stare around at his apartment. “It’s like two more months.”

Byunghun gave a laugh. It was full of his all-too-familiar cynicism. Chanhee’s shoulders slumped. He didn’t even need to hear the rest of the conversation. He knew that it was real with that one dry laugh.

“I don’t know how you stand it, Lee Chanhee,” Byunghun said, voice venomous. “You of all people torture yourself every single day with that company and you’re defending them?”

Chanhee took a breath but released it when he came up short of any reply.

“You torture yourself with the idea of not only work but also love,” Byunghun said. “If you had any brains at all, you’d do exactly what I’m doing. ‘em.” 

A surge of defensive anger gripped him. Chanhee frowned and rapped his fist against the bench again. 

“ you, Lee Byunghun. You don’t know anything. You’re ing quitting,” Chanhee snapped. 

“I am. I quit.” The line cut off. 

Chanhee gripped his phone, trying to crush it onto itself. He gave a cry of frustration and tossed it into the soft cushion of the sofa instead. Rage pulsed through him.

He shook his head and began to pace. What the hell was he supposed to do now?

He paused in his pacing and closed his eyes. He knew what to do. It sent a tingle of delight and dread through him. He really couldn’t argue with Byunghun that he tortured himself. 

Chanhee retrieved his phone and dialled Minsu.

“Ah, hello?” Minsu’s voice was a low rumble. 

“I woke you,” Chanhee said. He wished he was strong enough to fight the stuttering happiness that Minsu’s voice gave him. 

“You did. What’s up?”

“It’s Byunghun. He’s leaving.” Chanhee pressed a hand into his warm cheek. “I tried to talk him out of it. But he’s already done it.”

“.”

“Yeah.” Chanhee collapsed onto the sofa and stared at the floor. 

Even as everything he had worked so damn hard to maintain seemed to be splitting apart at the seams, Chanhee couldn’t deny the flicker of light that Minsu left him with. He smiled to himself and shook his head. Byunghun was right, it was torture. The most addictive torture Chanhee had ever experienced. If he could have one moment where Minsu made his heart stop, it made everything else worth it. 

===*===
Late 2017

An instant message blipped in as Minsu finished his round of League. He smiled, fuzzy warm happiness laying over his shoulders as he clicked it open to read. 

What are you doing playing LoL at midnight? Chanhee had written. 

“Same as you. Minsu typed back. Play a match?

Sure.

Minsu beamed. He sent though the invite and followed it with another message. 

How was mubank? He rocked side to side on his chair as he waited for the reply. 

Same as always.
Quieter without you lot there. 
Boring.

Minsu laughed and shook his head. When they did promotions together Chanhee almost always complained about the kids being too loud. He would retreat to the corner Minsu had staked out and lean into him. They would scowl and shoo the others away as much as they could. 

Glad to be finished? Minsu sent through. 

Very. Celebratory soju is on the menu.

Minsu laughed again. He couldn’t help the goofy smile on his face. It was spreading through his whole body, lighting up the places his last year and a half had beaten down into darkness. Chanhee always made him feel this way. He always had. 

After several rounds of League and drinking in solidarity despite being apart, Minsu finally logged off and shuffled to bed. His slightly tipsy brain continually relayed the bubbly joy of their evening. It had coloured his mind with a vibrancy that he had forgotten he even had. It made him want to move, it made him want to create something. 

Minsu sighed and clutched at his pillow. He pulled his phone out from under his pillow and dialled Chanhee. 

“Hello?” the voice was confused.

“Hey,” Minsu said, unsure of why he had called but humming with sudden energy. 

“Are you alright?” Chanhee gave a small sigh and there was a rustle of movement through the phone. 

“Yes. Let’s get coffee tomorrow.”

“Are you telling me you’ll voluntarily leave your house?” Chanhee laughed. “How much did you drink tonight?”

Minsu chuckled. He couldn’t argue with it. The light teasing sent delight through him from crown to toes. 

“Yes. Come here to the cafe and we’ll get coffee. Bring Meonji,” Minsu said. 

Chanhee gave a quiet laugh and a sigh. 

Heart hammering faster and harder than it had any right to, Minsu waited for his response. 

“Alright. In the afternoon some time.” Chanhee spoke slowly, as though measuring his words.

“Good. I’ll see you tomorrow,” Minsu sing-songed. 

“I’m hanging up now.” Chanhee sing-songed right back and the line went dead. 

Minsu smiled at the phone indulgently. He slid it back beneath his pillow and sighed with contentment. Deep down beneath the rampant happiness, he held a far stronger feeling close to his heart. He wasn’t quite ready to admit that one to himself. Maybe tomorrow, when he saw Chanhee.

===*===
2018

Chanhee the soft head of hair in his lap, fluffing it a little and then combing it flat once more. Minsu gave a delighted hum, eyes shuttering closed. He smiled down from above, watching Minsu’s face. 

The pain was only a small twinge these days. A small flicker of want that he ignored easily. Eight years and he had finally gotten to a place where he was able to live with his crushing feelings for Minsu.

He might have been slightly damaged; the smallest moments of touching Minsu set off fireworks in his stomach and left him feeling a little empty for days after. But Chanhee no longer cared. He was resolved to not give a about any of it anymore. He had spent years beating himself up for it. As long as he wasn’t actively pursuing Minsu, he could have a few moments of indulgence here and there. 

“Minsu, your turn,” Jonghyun called, wandering over and slapping Minsu’s leg.

“Yes.” Minsu gave a tired groan and extracted himself from Chanhee’s lap. 

Chanhee smiled and turned to Jonghyun as he sat down beside him. 

“Ah, so pretty, Jonghyunnie,” Chanhee .

“It’s the makeup, I’m sure it’ll fix you right up,” Jonghyun grinned and pulled a chocolate bar from his pocket. 

“Hey!” Chanhee cried, slapping at Jonghyun’s arm.

Jonghyun laughed and passed Chanhee the food without another word. Chanhee took a bite, passing it back and looking around at them all. He couldn’t really remember the last time everything had felt this OK. 

He let his gaze shift slowly, coming to rest on Minsu as he always did. To his immense surprise and with a slight blush, he realised Minsu was watching him right back through the mirror. Chanhee’s heart stuttered, bouncing around his ribs. It almost leapt out his mouth as Minsu gave him a small wink and returned his attention to the stylist. 

Chanhee stood, a sudden surge of energy electrifying him. He clapped and wandered off to try and find some food or coffee. He was already tingling, what harm would a few more stimulants do?

===*===
Late 2018

Minsu laughed as yet another photo pinged in on the chat. Chanhee was holding a glass of something to his lips. His eyes were staring through the lens, making Minsu shiver slightly. He would have let it go on all night except that he knew Chanhee was drinking alone. It left a slightly anxious feeling in the pit of his stomach.

He gave up on his painting and pressed the call button instead. It took a second to connect. Minsu smiled, relishing the warm glow in his body as Chanhee picked up, already laughing. 

“Hello, darling,” Chanhee said, still giggling a little. 

“Hello there,” Minsu’s smile only grew. “How many have you had?”

“Enough.” Chanhee snipped without any real conviction. 

“I think you have had enough. Why don’t you come here?” Minsu said. He stretched out onto the floor, letting his spine realign after hours of being hunched. 

“All the way out there?” Chanhee scoffed. “How am I supposed to get there? You come here, I’ll order you a round.”

Minsu chuckled, rubbing his chest and shaking his head a little. 

“No, no,” he said, still chuckling a little. “You come here. Catch a taxi.”

“A taxi will cost a fortune,” Chanhee said. Minsu knew him well enough to know he was wavering. 

“I’ll pay,” Minsu pushed a little more. “Come visit me. I promise we can keep drinking when you get here.”

There was a beat of silence. Minsu waited, his stomach fluttering a little.

“Alright,” Chanhee said, exasperation colouring his tone. “If you pay for the taxi, I’ll come.”

“Done. See you in a while.” Minsu sat up once more. 

“Alright.”

The call cut. Minsu sat, smiling into space like a dork. He spent his time cleaning up his mess from painting. He even went so far as to clean down the bench properly and put away his dishes. With ten minutes to go before Chanhee was due to arrive, he wandered down to the parking lot and waited. The rains had finally let up for the evening, having already blanketed everything with dampness. Minsu squatted on the sidewalk, eyes keen for headlights. 

He stood as the taxi approached. Chanhee climbed out, a plastic bag dangling from one hand. Minsu leaned in the door and paid the eye-watering price without a second glance. As the taxi turned and drove away, he looked down at Chanhee with a smile. 

“I’m here,” Chanhee grinned. 

“What did you bring?” Minsu asked, gesturing to the bag. They strolled back to the building and began to climb the stairs. 

“Just a few things.” Chanhee paused after the first flight of stairs and groaned. “You live too far out and too high up.”

Minsu laughed, nodding in easy agreement. Without warning, he bent and swept Chanhee into his arms. There was flailing and crying out before Chanhee managed to catch a grip around Minsu’s neck and hold on tight. 

“You could have warned me!” Chanhee laughed through his complaint. 

“Shh, my neighbours are sleeping,” Minsu sassed. 

“You’re a ing liar,” Chanhee whispered but fell silent. 

The ache in his arms was well worth it to carry Chanhee up to his floor. He could smell Chanhee’s cologne and the slight tang of alcohol on his breath they were so close. Minsu revelled in it. Any excuse to get as close as possible without Chanhee flinching and blushing and ultimately escaping. 

Minsu had come to notice that any touch that Chanhee initiated was OK but if Minsu tried to reciprocate it was suddenly all too much for Chanhee. He had developed a theory and was past ready to test it. 

They reached his door and he set Chanhee back onto his feet with a groan. Minsu made a show of stretching his back out and pulling his face into a pained expression. 

Chanhee gave a loud ‘tsk’ and shook his head a little. 

“You’re supposed to be taking care of your body, not carrying me up stairs,” he scolded gently. 

“You were complaining about how many floors there were.” Minsu grinned and gave up his act. “I’m fine.” 

He unlocked the door as Chanhee gave another loud ‘tsk’.

Chanhee followed him in, kicking his shoes off easily and wandering to the small kitchen. 

“What’s in the bag?” Minsu asked, watching him be so comfortable in his home. 

“Food,” Chanhee said. He laid two packets of ramen on the bench and turned to give Minsu a cheeky smile. “I paid, so you have to make them.”

The flood of affection was too big to stop. Minsu felt his eyes close a little as he laughed and grinned like the lovesick fool he was. He moved to where Chanhee was standing at the bench, crowding into his personal space just a little. 

“I paid for your taxi,” Minsu said, looking down at Chanhee. 

“We had an agreement, Bang Minsu,” Chanhee said. His head was tilted up to see him properly, eyes overbright from the alcohol. A hand fisted in the front of Minsu’s shirt and gave a small tug. “We decided years ago, one buys the ramen and the other makes it. I bought this ramen. It’s your turn to make it for me.”

“Is that what will make you happy?” Minsu moved a little closer, laying his hand on the bench by Chanhee’s hip. 

Chanhee’s head tilted to the side a little as he stared at Minsu in silence. Something small moved through his expression, flickering over Chanhee’s eyes before Minsu could catch it. He gave a small shake of his head, smile turning dubious. 

“Yes,” Chanhee said, voice surprisingly normal. “Make me ramen. I’ll pour you a drink.”

He stepped back, leaving Minsu standing at the bench alone. 

Minsu shook his head a little, unsure whether he was trying to clear it or just amazed at how unaffected Chanhee seemed. His own blood was pumping hard through him, the pulse in his throat strong enough for him to feel it. He was tingling just a little once more and had to swallow a few times before his dry mouth returned to normal.

Chanhee relaxed on the floor, sipping his drink and watching Minsu work. 

“Here,” Minsu said and brought their bowls over to the floor as well. 

“Thank you,” Chanhee said. 

Minsu folded himself down, knee brushing Chanhee’s as they ate in relative silence. He was still jangling with nervous excitement on the inside. 

“What’s the drinking occasion?” Minsu asked as they finished their food and Chanhee resumed his sipping. 

“Do I need one?” Chanhee grinned. 

“Most people prefer to have an excuse ready to go.” Minsu picked up his own glass and took a small sip. 

“I wanted to.” Chanhee shrugged one shoulder and leaned back onto his palm. “That’s my excuse.”

A small breath of laughter rushed out and Minsu shook his head a little. He sipped his glass once more. 

“What would you like to do?” Minsu asked. He reclined onto his elbow and looked up at Chanhee.

“Nothing.” Chanhee looked around, eyes flickering to Minsu now and then. “Is this what you were working on before I arrived?” He nodded to the drying canvas against the wall.

“Mm.” Minsu pulled himself back into a sitting position. He shuffled a little closer to Chanhee until their shoulders were almost brushing. “It’s just practice.”

“I like it.”

“Thank you.” 

He remained still as Chanhee’s head leaned down onto his shoulder. He turned, pressing his nose into the soft locks and smiling a little. They didn’t move, suspended in their own world together. 

Minsu closed his eyes, letting himself be a little selfish as he took a slow inhale of Chanhee’s scent. As ever, it sent the slow roll of happiness through him. It never failed to make him smile and flutter with joy. His Chanhee. 

His eyebrows twitched at the new thought. Unfortunately he was not ‘his Chanhee’ at all. Minsu gave a reflexive hum of discomfort.

“Hmm?” Chanhee asked, sitting straight again. 

“Nothing.” Minsu shook his head and grabbed their bowls. 

He stood and returned them to the sink. When he turned back, Chanhee was standing close. Minsu started and laughed a little. 

“I didn’t realise you were right there,” Minsu chuckled.

“Sorry,” Chanhee said. He was staring up at Minsu once more, this time a small line between his brows. 

“Everything OK?” Minsu said. His fingers itched to reach out and take Chanhee’s hand. 

“You’re weird tonight,” Chanhee spoke after a moment. “Are you OK?”

Minsu laughed and shook his head. He gave up all resistance and drew Chanhee into a hug, resting his elbows on Chanhee’s shoulders and cradling his head. 

“I’m not weird, you are,” Minsu said, nose to nose with Chanhee now. 

Arms folded around his waist and Chanhee drew them a little closer. He gave a soft sigh that, had Minsu been any further away, he would have missed altogether. 

“I am weird,” Chanhee agreed. His eyes shuttered closed. He bent his face to Minsu’s chest and laid it against his collarbone. 

“That’s OK,” Minsu whispered into his ear. He lowered his left arm, letting it embrace Chanhee properly. 

Minsu was scared to move. He could sense the precarious nature of the moment. If he made one wrong step he knew Chanhee would flee from him and likely never return again. The thought terrified him more than anything else. The idea of ruining any of it was looming so large that Minsu merely stayed in place, eyes closed and feeling every inch that they were touching. If the worst were to happen, he wanted to at least remember this one moment. 

They stayed in place long enough for Minsu’s feet to begin to ache. He didn’t care. He wasn’t going to be the first to let the moment pass. 

Slowly, Chanhee brought his head back and looked at Minsu once more. This time, his eyes were sad and clear. 

“What’s wrong?” Minsu said. His own brow pulling down in concern. 

“Nothing.” Chanhee shook his head and made to step back.

Minsu held on a moment longer, reluctant to release him. Chanhee looked back at him, bemused. 

“You’re lying,” Minsu mumbled. 

“I never lie.” Chanhee tried for a smile. 

It sent a shudder of unease through Minsu. He hadn’t seen that smile in years. The smile Chanhee used to use on him when he couldn’t bare to be in the same room as him. 

Minsu dropped his arms and stepped back. 

“Let’s watch a movie,” Chanhee said. He turned away and hunted for his glass again. 

With a sickened feeling in his heart, Minsu nodded and followed Chanhee to the TV. 

After a small quarrel over what to choose, Minsu gave up the remote and stretched out onto the couch instead. Chanhee turned to find him monopolising the space and rolled his eyes. 

“Can I have some couch?” Chanhee said, hands on his hips. 

“Mm-hmm.” Minsu rolled, leaving the front half of the cushions free. 

“That’s not what I meant.” Chanhee rolled his eyes again and sat down at Minsu’s feet. 

“It’s my house.” Minsu shrugged. “If you want to come and lay like we used to, I won’t push you off.”

Chanhee’s irritated expression blanched into shock. He curled his knees up and turned to the screen without a comment. 

It took longer than Minsu expected. Guilt began to nudge at him as they reached the half-way point in the movie and Chanhee was still refusing to lie down. He kept his eyes trained to the screen, waiting patiently and trying to ignore the guilt as best he could. 

It took even more will power to keep himself from reacting as Chanhee crawled up the couch and stretched out in front of Minsu. 

“Shut up,” Chanhee whispered. 

“I never said a word,” Minsu mumbled back. He laid his arm over Chanhee’s waist and settled properly at last. 

He didn’t even notice himself slipping into sleep until he woke, stiff and cramped. At some stage Chanhee had turned over to face him and was nestled against his chest. Minsu smiled a little, closing his eyes and letting himself drift off again.

===*===
2019

It might have taken nine years but Chanhee had begun to enjoy touring at last. Perhaps it was because he had done it a few times before. Or more likely it was because he no longer existed in a constant state of misery. 

He still had his moments. Days where Minsu tested him to his limits and he needed to just walk away before he did something stupid. The others tested him as well though. They were too much like a real family to get along all the time. But other than that he was happier than he had ever been. 

For the beginning of the tour they had sorted rooms through kai-bai-bo as always. Chanhee, to his immense surprise and relief, had won the solo room. It was the best outcome he could have hoped for, second to that being that Jonghyun won. Anything to avoid sharing with Minsu and making his happy life more complicated. 

Chanhee sighed, staring around at his hotel room, and scrubbed at his hair with his fingertips. Some days he wondered if Minsu enjoyed making his life complicated. The amount of times innocent drinking parties had turned into snuggling together on the couch, or even in one overwhelming instance, Chanhee woke up in Minsu’s bed. They always left him riddled with guilt and fear. Chanhee would draw himself away from Minsu, refuse his invitations and pretend he was very busy with other things, as he tried to school himself back to a state of peace and neutrality. 

He did not want to upset anyone. He could not ever think their relationship was more than just friendship. 

At least lying didn’t hurt anymore. He could so easily pass over his feelings without a gnawing misery in his soul.

Chanhee smiled a little to himself and went to check his appearance in the mirror. He could go and grab some coffee. As he was picking up his bag, someone knocked on his door. He knew who it was going to be even before he opened it. 

Bang Minsu was smiling a little, a strangeness to it that made Chanhee’s head tilt as he pulled the door open properly. 

“You’re psychic. I was going to get coffee,” Chanhee said. If he ignored Minsu’s peculiar energy, they wouldn’t talk about it.

“Can we talk first?” Minsu stepped in and closed the hotel room door.

“What do you need?” Chanhee tried to will his leeching feeling of dread away. No one ever liked to hear those words. He smiled, keeping his breathing even and face mild.

Minsu’s lips pressed together. He glanced around the room quickly and settled back on Chanhee. There was a long moment of them merely staring at one another before Minsu took a deep breath and tried to speak. 

Panic buzzed through Chanhee. He wanted to step back. 

“Chanhee, I can’t keep waiting for you to say it,” Minsu said. His eyes were locked to Chanhee’s own. “I have been. I wanted to be patient because I know there is something holding you back. But I won’t wait anymore.”

Chanhee shook his head. His throat gripped with empty denial.

Minsu gave a small breath of laughter as Chanhee shook his head. 

“I’m going to say it now.” Minsu stepped just a little closer. “I’m in love with you.”

“No.” Chanhee didn’t even mean to speak. A sense of dislocation came over him and he felt as though he lost all control of his reaction. He was both watching it and living through it.

Minsu gave another laugh, low and short. 

“I am. And I know you love me too,” Minsu said. “I can see it.”

“No.” Chanhee shook his head. “I don’t.”

He couldn’t stop the lying now. He had come this far with his lies. 

It felt like there were two of him. The one controlling his mouth, denying everything he had been aching for for nine years. And the Chanhee trapped in the strange in-between that was reeling with confusion and hope.

Minsu’s eyes were earnest as he stared down into Chanhee’s own. He was still standing before the door, blocking Chanhee from leaving.

“What are you so afraid of?” Minsu asked, voice plaintive and pleading. 

“I’m not afraid of anything,” Chanhee said. “I don’t love you.”

Fresh hurt sliced at him. Each lie now feeling like a knife-wound in his heart as he spoke them. The pain of it snapped his two parts back together.

“Don’t lie to me.” Minsu’s brow pulled into sadness. “I can always tell when you’re lying.”

Face twisting like deformed plastic, Chanhee gave a fake smile. He forced it into his eyes and tilted his head a little. Minsu had no idea how many lies he had believed over the last decade.

“Minsu, you’re being ridiculous,” Chanhee said, hating every syllable. “I just want to go and get a coffee. Do you want one too?”

As the seconds ticked by the emotions he had locked away in the back of his brain beat against the cage savagely. He wanted to take it all back. He wanted to own up to everything. 

He couldn’t. 

Instead, he reached past Minsu’s hip and pulled at the door handle. 

The exhausted sigh was like a physical blow. Minsu shook his head and tossed a hand in dismissal. He stepped out of Chanhee’s way, still shaking his head. Chanhee caught a small muttering of curses as he slipped through the door and escaped. 

His hand shook violently as he jabbed at the elevator button. What had just happened? What was happening?

Chanhee tried to breathe but he couldn’t seem to pull enough air into his lungs. He pressed his hand to his forehead and leaned against the wall with the other. 

“Are you alright?” Of course Minsu was right there once more. 

“I can’t… breathe,” Chanhee heaved, a weird keening noise riding along on his breath. “.”

“Shh. Go slow.” A warm, constant hand rested in the small of his back. 

Chanhee closed his eyes and tried to follow the advice. He drew a long breath, heart hammering at him as he did. It rushed out of him once more, tears prickled at his eyes.

“Focus. Breathe slow,” Minsu mumbled.

Eyes closed, he shunted all thoughts from his brain and focused on his breathing. He drew a long slow breath, trying to hold it as his heart flapped and battered as though it were a bird in his ribcage. With another long draw of breath the sensation began to fade. 

“Do you want to sit down?” Minsu asked, his voice was gentle. 

Chanhee almost groaned. He turned, looking up from where he was stooped against the wall. Minsu was watching him with tender concern. He couldn’t deal with that right now.

“I want to go and get coffee,” Chanhee said. He sighed and dropped his head once more. 

“I don’t think you need more stimulants.” Minsu rubbed at Chanhee’s back. 

“Go away,” Chanhee whispered, true desperation coming into his voice.

The fortifications Chanhee had built around his heart were crumbling the longer that Minsu stayed. If he didn’t escape him soon, Chanhee knew everything would collapse beneath him. He had lived this way for so long, he couldn’t fathom the thought of anything else.

“No.” Minsu’s voice was firm.

Whatever he was about to say was cut off by the discordant chime of the elevator arriving. Chanhee wilted again as two people stared at them from inside. 

“Sorry.” Minsu said and gave a dismissive wave to them.

The doors slid closed. 

Without asking, Minsu snagged Chanhee’s bag and extracted his room key. He stepped back to the door and unlocked it. 

“Hey,” Chanhee said, voice as weak as he felt. 

“Come in and sit down.” Minsu held the door for him. 

The bricks that walled him in quivered. Chanhee sighed. Minsu still had hold of his bag, he didn’t really have a choice.

This time as the door closed, Minsu moved over to sit on the edge of the bed. Chanhee hovered. 

“I’m not going away,” Minsu said. He looked at Chanhee with an plain expression. 

“I need you to,” Chanhee’s voice was soft. “I need you to go.”

“Why?” Minsu stood, closing the distance between them.

Chanhee closed his eyes again. It made no difference. He could feel Minsu standing there, waiting for him to reply. Waiting for him to give in.

“Why do you always run from me?” Minsu murmured. His hand brushed at Chanhee’s cheek lightly. 

It seared against his skin.

“Minsu,” Chanhee pleaded. He was caving in. His entire reality fracturing and falling away inside. 

“Yes?” There was a smirk in Minsu’s voice that was so him that Chanhee sighed in defeat. 

“I can’t.” He wanted to curse. He wanted to rattle his own shoulders until the right words popped out. Chanhee hid his face in his hands. “I’m so tired.”

Arms came around him, pulling him tight against Minsu’s chest. Chanhee turned his hands to grip at Minsu’s shirt, he pressed his nose tight into him and let the last of his defences fall away. 

It was just for a moment; Chanhee lied to himself for the last time. It would only be this moment that he let himself really feel it. He wrapped his arms around Minsu, clinging to his warm, strong presence as his entire world shifted.

It felt like gravity was giving way, sliding beneath his feet. 

It left him a little dizzy. He would have felt like he was falling except that Minsu was holding him steady. 

“Well, ,” Chanhee gave a coughing sob and wiped his tears into Minsu’s shirt properly. 

“What are you cursing about now?” Minsu chuckled, arms not relenting even a little. 

“You.” Chanhee sighed and resettled himself. He pressed every inch of them together that he could, from toes to forehead. 

“What about me?” Minsu said.

“I just…” Chanhee gave a bitter laugh. He couldn’t look at him. He kept his face tucked down against Minsu’s chest and closed his eyes again. This would take a little getting used to.

“Hmm?” Minsu shifted, clearly trying to look at Chanhee’s face. 

“You just come in here and announce that you’re in love with me?” Chanhee said. “You just decided today that you’re going to confess and so you did. You’re so… like that.”

Minsu laughed, the vibration passing through his chest and sinking into Chanhee’s soul. He felt himself come back together a little. 

“I did not ‘just decide’ anything,” Minsu said, voice weary. “I agonised over it for four months and then when I couldn’t really live in agony any longer, I decided.”

“Four months,” Chanhee gave a weak giggle. It grew, expanding as he thought about four months of agony against his nine years. He began to laugh, losing control a little as the stress and pressure found a release. 

“What?” Minsu laughed, perplexed.

“Four months of agony,” Chanhee took a shuddery breath and gave a final small giggle. “Ah, seriously.” Chanhee sighed and sunk closer to Minsu once more. 

He knew he had some explaining to do. He was well aware that none of his reactions had been even close to normal so far. But Chanhee just wanted to stay where he was, tucked tight into Minsu’s embrace and safe from any of the complicating factors he had been working his hardest to avoid. 

“Will you ever tell me what all this is about?” Minsu mumbled, as though he could read Chanhee’s thoughts. 

“If I say no, will you still love me?” Chanhee grinned. He finally pulled his head back and smiled up at Minsu properly. 

“Probably.” Minsu smiled right back. “If you let me kiss you, definitely.”

The words sent a thrill through Chanhee, his heart taking up a rapid pace and beating into his ribs. This was a far more comfortable type of arrhythmia. He smiled wider and nodded a little. 

Minsu’s lips quirked into a broad smile before he leaned down and pressed them to Chanhee’s. 

It was soft and insistent, a hand coming up to hold his head in place. Chanhee gripped at Minsu’s shirt once more, holding them closer and tighter again. His body was tingling with electricity. His pulse-rate holding steady in the hundreds. 

As Minsu drew back Chanhee followed him, raising himself onto his toes and kissing at his lips again. There was a small breath of laughter before Minsu returned to kissing him right back. 

Chanhee melted a little. He never wanted to do anything else. He released one hand from Minsu in favour of sliding it it up to cup Minsu’s neck and keep him close. 

There was another low laugh. It bubbled out between their lips. Chanhee laughed, relinquishing Minsu’s lips but keeping their faces close. 

A wave of giddiness hit Chanhee and he wobbled on his legs. Minsu’s brow turned down and he stole another kiss quickly. 

“I really do think you should sit down now,” Minsu mumbled, eyes searching Chanhee’s.

“I think you might be right,” Chanhee sighed. The emotional roller coaster was slowing, his body catching up to the highs and lows he had just rolled through in quick succession.  

Minsu drew away but Chanhee clung tighter. If he let go, things would have to change. If he released Minsu and began to acknowledge everything, he would either have to return to his self-imposed state of torment or let everything slide headlong into the terrifying unknown. 

“You need to sit. Please,” Minsu was slightly gruff. 

“I don’t want to let you go,” Chanhee whimpered. At least he was finally being honest. 

“I’m not going anywhere. Here, how about…” Minsu let his words fade as he picked Chanhee up with ease and carried him over to the bed. 

He lowered them both down. His body pressing heavy onto Chanhee before he shifted to lay beside him, arms still wrapped safely around Chanhee. 

Chanhee’s heart jumpstarted once more, the pure intimacy of the position sending him into a state of nervous excitement. 

“Now we’re both happy,” Minsu said. His cheeks slightly pink with a blush.

Chanhee marvelled at the blush; physical proof that he had an effect on Minsu. He thrummed with delight, scooting himself a little closer. He longed to play pretend for just another moment.

“Chanhee?” Minsu said. It was strange to see him so earnest once more, Chanhee had grown accustomed to his ability to deflect everything into humour. “Are you OK? That was not the reaction I was expecting.”

“No,” Chanhee whispered, “I’m not OK.”

He watched Minsu’s brows pull down and his lips press hard. It was such a familiar expression that a small chip of tension cracked and fell away. 

“I don’t know how to tell you,” Chanhee couldn’t seem to raise his voice above a whisper. 

“Ah.” Minsu blushed hard this time. “There is someone else?”

Peals of laughter broke through the remains of Chanhee’s tension. He giggled and shook his head, fingers knotting Minsu’s shirt once more. Minsu waited, patient as ever for Chanhee to begin making sense. 

“No,” Chanhee giggled a little more. “No, there isn’t anyone else.”

Minsu’s bemused expression didn’t shift. 

“There has never been anyone else,” Chanhee continued with a sigh. It was finally time. His poor, battered soul limped the last of the distance. “There has only ever been you.”

The confusion on Minsu’s face deepened as he absorbed the words. 

“You had boyfriends…” Minsu spoke with jerky intonation. 

“I had a collection of distractions from you,” Chanhee said softly. “An activity I gave up on years ago.”

The admission left him in a free-fall, his entire being scrabbling to find something to slow his descent but coming up with nothing. All he could do was wait to hit the ground as he inevitably would. 

“What are you saying?” Minsu was searching his face, eyes frantic. 

“I’ve…” Chanhee wrinkled his nose. This was so embarrassing to admit. “I’ve had feelings for you for a while.”

“How long?”

Chanhee gave a sad smile.  

“Nine years.”

Minsu blinked, his head jerking closer as though he hadn’t heard properly. 

“Nine? What?” Minsu mumbled. “How…? Why…? Nine?”

The ground was rushing toward Chanhee’s free-fall now. He knew this was going to hurt. What was a little more pain after the last nine years?

“If you’ve felt this way for nine years, why have I been wasting the last four months?” Minsu groaned, pulling Chanhee closer. “Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“Tell you what?” Chanhee said, voice reserved. 

“That you… that… I don’t know, anything,” Minsu huffed. “I wish you had told me.”

“It wouldn’t have made a difference,” Chanhee shook his head. “I had to think about the group. I had to keep us together. My feelings didn’t matter compared to all of the possible ways it could go wrong.”

Minsu gave a low moan of suffering and crushed Chanhee to his chest. He at Chanhee’s hair and kissed him with such insistence it left Chanhee laying limp against him. 

“Your feelings matter more than anything,” Minsu growled a little, kissing Chanhee once more. “Nine years? I’ll never make it up to you.”

At those words, Chanhee gave a breathy laugh and shook his head a little. 

“You don’t need to make anything up to me.” He told Minsu, reaching up to touch his face. Somehow, in the last moment before impact, he seemed to be gifted wings. “I didn’t do it so you would owe me. I did it so I could… I don’t know, be with you even if I wasn’t with you.”

Minsu gave a weak laugh himself and kissed Chanhee lightly on the nose. 

“Plus, I was like 19 when I realised and I also realised I was gay and that just wasn’t something I had time for,” Chanhee found now he had started it was all ready to spill out of him. “And then I had a big gay panic that I was in love with you. So I tried avoiding you and then you just got so sad that when I came out to you I had to let you back in. And that was kind of the greatest and worst.” He tightened his grip on Minsu a little. “Then I was kind of OK until you and Niel started, whatever that was. And I… Things were kind of after that. But it got easier the longer it was.”

A frown passed over Minsu’s face but he didn’t interrupt. 

“This last year was actually nice.” Chanhee sighed, genuine contentment hitting him.

“It was,” Minsu hummed his agreement. “That was a lot in a short span. I might need a moment with some of that.”

“Whatever.” Chanhee smiled. 

He felt incredibly light and free. He felt like he had cheated death.

Chanhee had always believed that if Minsu were to ever find out any of it the world as he knew it would come crashing down. He had never stopped to realise that the world he had built actually wasn’t a thing of beauty but one of need. Now, as he lay in the rubble of his life so far, he had a lingering optimism that maybe this time he could build a world that was a little brighter. Maybe Minsu could even help him. 

“Hey,” Minsu said, voice low and content as well. 

“Mm?”

“Did you say you were in love with me?” Minsu asked. He gave a sigh and rolled onto his back, dragging Chanhee over with him. 

“I doubt it,” Chanhee replied, grinning through his nonchalant tone. 

“Hey!” Minsu raised his head and glared at Chanhee.

Chanhee smiled back, his entire being singing with delight as Minsu scowled and rolled his eyes.

“Say it,” Minsu growled.

He laughed, leaning up and kissing Minsu’s frowning lips. 

“I love you.”

==========

A/N: Hello, I wrote this. I think I got some dates wrong and I left out a few obviously large events that have happened over the last 10 years as well. I hope you like it though. It's barely beta-ed but I'm too tired and I know I won't get another spare second to post so have this thing.