Story Title: Oppa, I can’t Breathe!
Story Author: cellie-ssi
Reviewer: wishful

Title: 6/10
When I saw this title, I immediately I expected to be treated with a sudden burst of fluffiness, however, that’s not what I came across. ^^;; Your title, though it seems to connect with Hye Mi(or Hyemi; you change the spelling of her name throughout the story)’s emotions, it doesn’t feel as though it connects well with the plot or the story. However the story is only on its second chapter, so it’s difficult to judge. X3 Also, the grammar in your title is wrong: Because it’s a title, all major words should be capitalized (major words meaning everything but the little ones, such as “is” “a” “it,” etc.). Your title should actually read, “Oppa, I Can’t Breathe!” It’s not much of a difference really, but it did bother me when I looked at it. ^^;;

Storyline: 8/20
Well, you said it yourself: The storyline isn’t very unique. XD This isn’t always that big of a deal, as long as you can pull it off with the way you write your characters. I’ll elaborate on this once I reach the “Characterization” of this review. However, because I feel like I can’t judge your story fairly as it’s both incomplete and less than two thousand words long, you’ll probably receive some bonus points from me at the end of this review… ;3

Appearance: 2/5
I understand that you don’t have a poster yet and that you’re on your way to getting one, but there are other reasons that I’m giving you a low score for this section. ^^;; I think that what bothers me most about your story (besides characterization and grammar) is that your entire story is bolded. The way I see it, whenever an author bolds or italicizes words in the middle of their writing, it’s because they’re trying to emphasize a certain part of the text. I, personally, bold or italicize words instead of using ALL CAPITALS, because to me the usage of all-caps is immature. ^^;; Your entire story was set in bold font, and though it might not seem like a big deal to some, to others (like me, for example), it’s a turnoff. Instead of saying: [Soo Hyeon followed me outside "Nah, I have MORE important things to deal with" she emphasized the word 'more' and left me. "Bye Hye Mi!" she shouted from afar and waved.] like you did, you could say something more like, [Soo Hyeon followed me outside, “Nah, I have more important things to deal with it.” Once that was said, she turned to leave me, “Bye, Hye Mi!” she shouted from afar and waved.]

Actually, that sentence just sounds awkward, even when I tried to minimally alter things. In all actuality, I’d give the whole sentence (and probably more throughout the story; there were several of them) a makeover:

[Soo Hyeon followed me outside, an expression of slight disgust on her face, “Nah, I have more… important things to deal with…”
I shot her a look, frown on my face. I opened my mouth to say something to her, but before I could, she had all ready darted away from me, “Bye, Hye Mi!”]

Then again, I guess it depends how you want to portray Soo Hyeon’s character. At this point in the story, I can’t really tell what you want her character to be like. And even with only two chapters on your story, your characters should still have a feeling of what the character is like. And I mean, Soo Hyeon’s name is listed specifically on the foreword of your story, yet I feel like I understand what Taemin (who’s name is not specifically listed) is going to be like more than what Soo Hyeon will be like.

The poster wasn’t a big deal to me. Because I actually think that your temporary poster is really cute. XD What bothered me more was your background. I don’t know if it’s just because of my computer (which is kind of ancient), but whenever I scrolled down, it would get all glitchy. XD The shoppe I own [The Wishful Thoughts Shoppe] isn’t very busy right now, and I’m sure that one of my employees could make you another one very quickly. ^^;; Looking at your profile though, I saw that you and skyy_blue are in the middle of negotiations. Heehee, I just recently hired her, and she’s very talented. You’re in good hands! :D

Writing Style: 4/10
There are numerous elements of literature out there that all writers should feel compelled to at least attempt to implement into their story. A few examples of this would be the Mood, Setting, Theme, Development (etcetera) of the story. I feel like none of the elements were used in this story. It feels like you took the time to describe virtually nothing in your story. Hye Mi (or Hyemi) is a character that nobody but you is familiar with, because she’s an OC. None of us can look into your head to see what she looks like, and as I read through this story, I just imagined her face being like… completely blank. With a giant question mark over it. XD Even though this is just a fanfiction, you should always try to describe what your characters look like, even if the audience is supposed to know their appearance beforehand. In my opinion, the only exception to this rule is if you include Character Profiles at the beginning of your story in your foreword. These can be commissioned by graphic designers or you can just use normal pictures you find off Google. It could also enhance the appearance of your story. :D

At the beginning of every chapter, you use the words, “Hyemi’s P.O.V.” It always kind of irked me when authors did that, but it’s understandable as to why they do it sometimes. However, your story is told entirely in Hyemi’ (or Hye Mi)s point of view, so what’s the point in announcing it at the beginning of every chapter? XD Are you perhaps thinking about telling the story in different perspective later on? To be honest, I feel as though this isn’t a good idea because although she seems like a strange character, telling the story in her perspective is kind of interesting. If you were to tell it in Jonghyun’s point of view, I think it might lose some interest. In romance stories like this, I think that you have to stay in one character’s head. It’s like real life: you don’t know what your love interest is thinking. I can’t imagine who else’s perspective you would try to tell the story from. ^^;;

Another thing is that you use random emoticons in the middle of your story. For example:
["Noona, Noona!?" Taemin gently poked my shoulder. "Uh yeah, where were we?" I smiled at him and he smiled back. Gnaaaawwww, he was totally cute. Did I mention he had this squishy cheeks and oh so adorabl hair? I wanna hug him tightly GAAAH!! He's like the one on my dreams, a puffy squishy adorable Cutie plushy- ಠ_ಠwait! he's not a stuffed toy. Just then, i lost my thoughts with jonghyun-related things and started to pay attention to taemin infront of me.]
It’s fine to use emoticons outside the actual story itself, like in an Author’s Note or something, but it’s very improper to use them in the middle of your story… >__>

I also think that your chapters are way too short. From my experience as a fanfiction writer (I haven’t been on this site for a long time, but I wrote on fanfiction.net for two years), readers prefer longer chapters than short chapters. And since it seems like you don’t update very often, you should treat the readers that you do have to longer updates. I hate to say it, but when I copy and pasted your story into Microsoft Word, the word count of the entire story (two chapters and all) is less than the word count of the review I’m writing for it. ^^;;

Characterization: 2/10
Hum. I think I covered a lot of what I had to say in this section in the other sections. XD The advice I would give to anybody writing fanfiction for the first time is to never include an OC (or Original Character) into your story. The biggest issue with creating characters is making them realistic and believable. If they’re neither of the two, they’re just written off as Mary Sues, and are usually disliked almost immediately by most readers. What is a Mary Sue, you ask? Well since I don’t feel like I can explain it properly, I decided to turn to urbandictionary.com for some help. And their definition is:

A female fanfiction character who is so perfect as to be annoying. Often abbreviated to "Sue.” A Mary Sue character is usually written by a beginning author. Often, the Mary Sue is a self-insert with a few "improvements" (ex. better body, more popular, etc). The Mary Sue character is almost always beautiful, smart, etc... In short, she is the "perfect" girl. The Mary Sue usually falls in love with the author's favorite character(s) and winds up upstaging all of the other characters in the book/series/universe. There are several main types of Mary Sue: 

Victim!Sues: The Victim!Sue is your whiny, wimpy, pathetic female character who can't seem to do much of anything except cry and get herself into trouble that the romantic interest of the fic has to rescue her from. 

Warrior!Sues: The Warrior!Sue is usually loud, obnoxious and (of course) an amazing warrior. She'll usually have some tragic past that led her to become a warrior, and she'll upstage all of the Canonical characters with her mad Sueish powerz. 

Mage!Sue: Similar to the Warrior!Sue, the Mage!Sue has amazing stregnth in magic, or has a magical power that nobody else has. She'll usually wind up upstaging all of the magical characters of the series. 

Punk!Sue: Also called Noncomformist!Sue or Goth!Sue. The Punk!Sue is loud, obnoxious, annoying and generally the type of person who you'd want to send off to boot camp for six months. The Punk!Sue almost always has angst coming out of her ears and isn't really a bad person, she's just oh!-so-angry at whatever tragic past the author has chosen to give her. The Punk!Sue is based on what the 11-15 year old author thinks is "cool" and wishes she could be. This includes Evil!Sues. 

Misfit!Sue: This includes all Sues who are supposedly geeks, nerds, misfits, etc. Usually, the Misfit!Sue doesn't start out as inhumanly beautiful, but winds up getting a makeover and finding out she had the potential to be a guy-magnet (or girl-magnet, depending on the genre) all along. Also includes the "My parents want me to do this but I want to do that and it's not fair!!1!" type of Sue. Usually, this Sue is very bookish and smart, but will find some sort of physical talent nobody expected and become a star as a result. 

The one I bolded, the Victim!Sue seems to be where Hyemi (or Hye Mi) is heading. She seems a little overly pathetic, childish, and innocent. However, the notion of her innocence is contradicted here: [Random girls passed by us and murmured about how handsome jonghyun was and I was like Don't-touch-my-jjong-or-else!] Suddenly she’s threatening other people who might have a potential crush on Jonghyun? XD If she’s as childish and innocent as we’re supposed to think, then her thoughts be more along the line of worrying that she doesn’t stand a chance with him anymore, because prettier girls are looking at him? XD

Also, it feels like you’re all ready hinting to the reader that Jonghyun has a crush on Hyemi (or Hye Mi). And that seems even more unrealistic, especially since the story just started. Because of this, it feels like the story will be leading to a conclusion of: [“What are you talking about, Hyemi (or Hye Mi)!? I’ve loved you since the very beginning!”] or something cheesy like that. >__>

I all ready spoke about my issue with Soo Hyeon and Taemin’s characterization. Though there’s something else that bothered me about Taemin: Him and Hyemi (or Hye Mi) have just met, and he’s so casual about asking her to eat out with him? That doesn’t seem very realistic at all…

Hmm… What else?

It seems a little so there’s only one more thing I have an issue with: Why did you refer to Hyemi (or Hye Mi) as “you” in the foreword of the story? If you intended for her to represent the reader, then the story should be written in second-person instead of first person.

Story Flow:4/10
I feel like the story went way too quickly. Chronologically, it seems like it would be fine, but the readers are given practically no content to look at. You don’t describe anything, not even the character’s emotions. Because of this, the story feels like it’s moving faster than it actually is.

Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling: 2/10
I understand that you said that English isn’t your first language, but other than the English used here, you also have mistakes with simple things, such as the character’s name, as I stated throughout this review. XD Is it Hyemi or Hye Mi? It’s a mistake that should be easily fixed.

You have a lot of problems with basic capitalization: Letters should only be capitalized if they are at the beginning of a proper name, or if they’re at the beginning of a sentence. Here: [He suddenly closed the locker door that was covering me from staring at him.. and Oh pickles! My heart was beating so fast.. he was staring at me. And he, was .. shocked? wh-why?] You randomly capitalized the “Oh!” here which is one of the things I was talking about. :3

You also switch between past tense and present tense a few times, like here: [Ouch, it hurts. I felt pain on my forehead. A big thing was thrown unto me.] Hurts is a word that denotes the present tense, while felt is a word that denotes past tense. It happens a couple of times throughout the story, but not super often. :3

There’s also several issues with punctuation in your story, but to me, punctuation is the easiest thing to fix. :3

Creativity and Originality: 9/15
Your story hasn’t gotten very far, so I can’t really judge this part properly. X3 You said yourself that the idea was a little overused, but then you went on to say that you were going to do your best to make your story more unique. I’m going to trust you on that! X3

Overall Enjoyment: 4/10
It was a little short for my liking, and the mistakes that you made really stuck out to me, decreasing the enjoyment level for me. Of course with some tweaking here and there, I’m sure that this story can get somewhere. :)

Reviewer’s Comments and Advice: As you said yourself: You’re still a beginning writer. You just started! Of course it wasn’t going to be perfect. (: My biggest advice to you is to just… think about your story a lot. Over analyze it. Whenever I write a story, I run through what I want to happen in my head, and try to imagine myself in each of the character’s positions. If I wouldn’t act a certain way in that situation, or I don’t know anyone that would act that way given the situation, I wouldn’t make the character act that way either. And also, when you’re writing, paint a picture. Give the reader as many details as you can, so that when you’re writing what you’re seeing in your head, the reader can also see a little bit of what’s going on in your mind as well. It forms a good connection. (: The hard thing is making sure that you don’t over-describe, because then the reader might get a little confused. Even though I didn’t give you the highest scores on some parts of this, it’s only because I have to be completely honest and not take anything you say in your Author’s Notes (such as saying that English isn’t your first language and that this is your first story) into account for the quality of your story. If I were to compare you to other writers that are just starting out, then you’d be very similar to them. Don’t feel bad because your story isn’t perfect, because you’re just starting out! :D If you need some help, I’d love to offer my assistance in revamping your story. I’m sure you have an awesome idea in there as to where you’re going to take this. :3 If you don’t want my help, that’s cool, too. XD But I’d love to reread (and maybe re-review! ;3) your story once you fix it up a bit. :) Keep in touch! :D

Sub-Total: 41/100

Bonus: +5, You’re still a beginning writer, and I’m sure you’ll get better in time. :3 Your story was also kinda short, so I feel like I couldn’t judge you fairly in some areas of this review.

Total: 46/100[Unmarked: I feel like your story could use some improvement.]