So I' m here again with a new episode. This time we gonna heard Naachan side. Let your comment  really appreciate it a lot!

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*Nana POV*

Again I am here thinking and thinking what I should do, pay attention to my mind or let myself be carried away by my heart. This year has gone by very fast since we started the cycle, everything was a roller coaster of emotions that I just couldn't get off to take a breath until today, or at least that's what I want to think.

I have always wondered how those people who live without someone to love do, perhaps they will feel calm because they do not feel any conflict in their heart or on the contrary that will make them feel overwhelmed by the fact of not feeling anything. I can't help but look around and see all kinds of love, like those high school siblings who are "fighting", that old couple who seem to have been together for a long time. That recent family formed with the new little member in the mother's arms. Even those furtive glances that pair of boys give each other at both ends of the wagon. There is no correct and unique form of love but each one is unique in its own way.

Even though my decision has been made, I can't help but think about what would have happened if Yuiri had accepted my love on that day.

/ * Flashback start * /

I was very nervous, my hands were shaking. I was about to confess my love to my childhood friend Murayama Yuiri, why? Simply because it is a feeling that I can no longer hide and since we met, we promised to always speak the truth to each other so I will take advantage of our Friday “date” to watch movies to tell her about my feelings and  maybe to start a story together.

-Naachan, are you there? - She tells me while I see that she already has the popcorn in her hands.
-I'm sorry I was a little distracted - I tell her as I make a space for her to sit on the couch, without being able to help it I admire her face, it is always cute but now that she is becoming a woman, I find her irresistibly beautiful.
-Are you sure you are alright? - She asks me now with a more concerned voice.
-Yes ... yes - I say now hesitating as I curse myself in my thoughts because this only makes her raise an eyebrow.
-For the past months I have seen you different, pensive, worried and call me crazy but even a little distant with me - she says now looking me in the eyes.
-No .. Nothing happens, you are imagining things - I tell her without being able to look her in the eyes because she will realize that I am lying.
-Then the fact that you hesitate and don't look me in the eye is just part of my imagination - she tells me while raising her voice a little which is already beginning to worry me - It's better that you start talking OKADA NANA -

Okay. I'm officially dead. There are a few occasions that she speaks to me by my full name, and if that happens it means that she is one step away from getting angry with me. So she sighed, gulped, and took a breath.
-I ... you're right there is something wrong with me - I finally say, letting out a sigh, my hands start to shake without meaning to, my mouth being dry, I'm terribly scared. I see that Yuiri sees my hands so she takes them between hers and gives me a look of tenderness giving me confidence to speak - You see there is something that I have been hiding from you for a while and I simply cannot hide it anymore. For a time I have had these feelings that were born in my being and as much as I have wanted to, I can no longer control or rather I no longer want to control. There is a person who has become indispensable in my life, that I love her, I respect her but above all I want her happiness above all things, but beyond all that I want to be the person who makes her happy, I want to be that person who not only be in her joys but I also want to be in her sadness, be her support and strength when she feel faint, I want her to count on me to go through trials that life can give her as well as being the most important person in her life -

Given what was said, I only see that Yuiri has been speechless because of everything I have said, I know that her mind is working at a thousand per hour trying to decipher who this person is and especially how she can help me, she was about to say something when I continued with my monologue.
-This feeling of friendship has been transformed into something else, I am no longer satisfied with being her friend, I want to be her life partner, I want to take her by the hand in a more personal, even selfish aspect, and under her consent I would like to show her my love through a kiss of love, being able to taste her lips has been my delirium in those dark nights where I fantasize about having her in my arms protecting her from everything that surrounds us- delicately while my left hand is now the one that holds her hand that is still in my lap. She looked deep into her eyes like I have never done before, revealing my deepest secret and my wish that she knows the truth. At first she observed in her eyes, curiosity to know who she is, those brown orbs in which I have missed countless occasions.

I can't help but smile tenderly. In an automatic way I take advantage of my hand that is still caressing her cheek to be able to slide my thumb over her lower lip in a delicate and sensual way as to confirm that I am talking about her and at the same time ask her permission to be able to taste her lips.

If I could be proud of something, it is that we do not need words to understand each other and I know that Yuiri with all the information that I am giving her already knows who I mean, I can also see that her eyes went from being curious to showing a hint of surprise extreme that in my opinion makes her look prettier and I can't help but release a small smile, she is the purest creature I've ever come across in life.
-Maybe .. Are you talking about .. You .. and ... - she says in a whisper
- That’s right, Murayama Yuiri, you are the person I am talking about, you are the person who fills my thoughts when I go to sleep and brightens my mornings when you allow me to accompany you to school. I could not tell you exactly when I fell in love with you, it could have been the day I met you or recently but you were always special to me. We have shared so much that from being my best friend you are now the most important person to me. I have reached the point that I dream of having you in my arms and one longing I have is to be able to kiss you and taste those lips that produce me so much fascination, that is why I am here opening my heart to you and asking you for an opportunity to be that someone in your life. Murayama Yuiri, would you like to make this poor soul happy that loves you madly? Would you like to be my girlfriend? -

Like a strong breeze I could see how Yuiri suddenly held her breath as if everything around her had been paralyzed, while after asking the question the confidence vanished, only the expectation and the nerves remained. When I saw that she didn't get an answer, I let go of her cheek and also the grip on her other hand, and I couldn't help but create a space between us. I didn't want her to feel threatened or forced to do something she didn't want.
-Nana ... - it was all she managed to say, the next thing I saw broke my heart, her gaze changed from surprise to concern and then sadness. At that moment I felt my heart break, as I had said before, words were not necessary to understand each other, just by listening to the tone of her voice I knew her answer. Suddenly I felt my heart stop, it was hard for me to breathe, my eyes threatened to release a couple of tears but I couldn't, I shouldn't so I only managed to get up to get away from all this, but I never achieved my goal. She took my wrist and forced me to stay sitting next to her while she looked at me distressingly, patiently waiting for her to speak since she couldn't say anything because she knew that my voice must be broken by the accumulation of feelings that I have right now.

When she saw me return to my place, she released my wrist and took a great sigh as I could see in her eyes how she tried to string the right words that she was going to say.
-It would be a lie if I said that you have not surprised me because you have done it at this moment, and I will be honest I never noticed anything that would indicate that you saw me differently -
Given what was said, I could not help but release a knowing smile, if Yuiri saw how I have always treated her in a special way, even before I knew that I liked her, I would see her face troubled by the same, countless times many people confused us that we were a couple because of those attentions than I gave her - I'm looking for the right words putting my feelings in order but we have always promised to tell the truth and this is that ... I love you Nana. Like a lot but unfortunately my love for you is merely friendship, I don't see you as something more than a friend I would dare to say that almost a sister, for that reason I cannot reciprocate your feelings -

You finish saying to me with a really distressed face and see that your hand goes up to my cheeks and tenderly you catch the tear that falls slowly, trying to wipe my discomfort. I can't blame you, I can't hate you because I love you but the truth is that I understand that this love thing cannot be forced, it is not mandatory that you see me the same way but that does not mean that it does not hurt a bit less.
-Nana please look at me - she took my chin and lifted my face because my gaze was down -You know that I love you very much right? -

She tells me with the most sincere voice I have ever heard her, so much so that I can feel it in every fiber of my being, at what she said, only I nod.
-That's not going to change for anything, I love you not in the same way as you do to me, but I know we can find a middle ground in our feelings but if you feel uncomfortable with me or if you want space, I can understand it. I wouldn't know what to do if it were the opposite and I was the one asking for your love. So I just want it to be clear that I love you very much and you are an important person in my life, that you do not have any doubt-

My mind and my heart registered every word but I felt that a dagger was stuck in my heart and an immeasurable desire to cry nested in my soul, so I took the hand that was still holding my cheek and interlocked our fingers while I thought how well it was.Her hand and mine were molded, I breathed deeply to finally say something.
-I know you don't want to hurt me and as always I appreciate your total sincerity for that, let me be it too, I would like us to take some time. I ... need to evaluate the situation without your presence clouding my feelings and my reason. I need to be able to look into your eyes and not feel the need to protect you from all the people around you, the need to show you not only with words how much I love you and above all, the need to kiss you as I am having now that finally you know how I feel about you-

At the end of my sentence I could see Yuuchan's eyes of surprise, I had never dared to look at her that way but I simply had to say it and express all these feelings that I have harbored for so long, now is the time to leave nothing to say because now that I know her answer. I know that what goes on is going to be a bit complicated at the beginning, but I also know that everything will improve because that's how we are, always fighting against the world side by side.

/ * End of Flashback * /

How delusional I was to think that things were only going to change a little, that our friendship was fireproof that nothing I do could break our pact but the reality was not like that, after that day something happened between us like what I asked, Yuiri left me a space so that I could think over and in less than a week the after-school outings were over, the sleepovers at one of us's house, the waiting at the school door to walk back home together, the furtive messages between classes, the company in the breaks, the calls at night and above all the glances we exchanged from afar. I was surprised that my face will be reflected in her gaze, I was surprised not being able to see that sweet smile and those cute dimples that adorn her face, if I have to be honest it was a real hell to be without her and that was when I realized that I loved her much more than what I thought. If before I thought it was torture to be with her but not be able to have her as my girlfriend, being without her was even worse.

My heart couldn't handle this feeling of abandonment and that's when Taniguchi Megu appeared in my life, confusing things and taking advantage of my weakness. Too many things happened that I am not proud of, it led me to do things that I never thought were possible while my friendship with Yuiri hung by a thread but disappeared until that day.

/ * Flashback start * /

-THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT, TAKE IT! BUT CAME BACK TO BE THE SAME NANA THAT I KNOW ... THE SAME NANA THAT I ... MISS - Yuiri told me with tears in her eyes as I looked puzzled as her blouse was open and some buttons were about to fall off and others lay on the floor. Then I could feel a stinging on my left cheek and suddenly I felt hot where she had hit me. For a few seconds I looked at Yuiri in horror, understanding in a certain part what I had done.
-I .. I'm sorry Yuiri, I .. No .. I swear it was not my intention - I tell her while I feel like my stomach turns and I have retching, I am feeling a lot of disgust about my own person. How could I say that I loved Yuiri when I had been willing to hurt her, without more my legs lose strength and I fall to the floor covering my face with both hands crying incessantly, suddenly I feel that someone is hugging me and I cannot help but hold on to that heat so known but at the same time so strange. It's been so long since I felt that warmth next to mine and that perfume that I missed so much, I couldn't help crying more because I didn't know what I had done to meet someone like her, who despite everything is always on my side.
-SORRY!, FORGIVE ME! FORGIVE ME! - I say non-stop, I don't know what else to say to show my regret. She gently separates from me and takes my face with both hands and wipes my tears with her thumbs while I can see the sweetness of her eyes and a shy smile that tells me that everything will be fine.
-Will you continue acting like an idiot? - She tells me, now frowning at what I make a gesture with my head indicating no.
-Will you keep putting your life in danger? - She keeps looking at me intensely but now I feel hypnotized and I automatically shake my head.
-Will you keep ignoring me? - I immediately deny again.
-You promise to stop doing those dangerous things -
"I promise," I say solemnly.
-Good, if you want me to forgive you. You will have to attend classes, leave those toxic friendships, eat healthy .. - She listing one by one the things I should do to resume my life at
a normal point - ...but above all you are forbidden to stop talking to me, in addition you must spend a lot of time with me watching movies, walking in the park and buying me a lot of ice cream -
Given what was said, I can not help but smile, that was her way of lightening things up. Holding out her hand, she invited me to get up so we could get out of where we were. Inadvertently I couldn't help looking at her up and down and admiring what that now completely open blouse was hiding, and without wanting to, I could feel a blush take over my face.
-Do you like what you see Okada? - Yuiri tells me with a slightly serious voice, I would dare to say that it even sounded y. At that I turn my face but I know it is extremely red.
-I .. I .. -
-Haha I'm kidding, calm down - she says with a mischievous smile, definitely  I don’t know this side of her, I knew she only did it to break the tension so I took off my jacket and put it on her.
"Cover yourself, I don't want you to get sick," I say with a smile, which now makes her blush a little.
-You say it as if you don't like what you see - she says playfully.
-Don't start something that you're not going to finish Murayama san - I answered with a serious tone, now making her blush.

/ * End of Flashback * /

After that our friendship climbed one more step, something I never thought would happen, our interaction also changed because I allowed myself to show my love and not disguise it as friendship but I did not force Yuiri to reciprocate. It was clear to me at least that she would never see me as something else but at least I know that I am a very important person in her life and with that I can live, I realized that I want to be by her side regardless of the circumstances or labels and if for this I have to live as her best friend so it will be.

At first I will not deny that it was complicated for me but over time things just happened, although I will not deny that when someone approached her I could not help feeling jealous but I have learned to control it because first of all I want her to be happy and if it is at side of another person I will do nothing to prevent it but that if that person will be in my sights and if they hurt her, they will deal with me.

Months passed and after Yuiri's insistence I started dating girls who always demanded my attention, I will not lie and say that they forced me because that would be a lie I really wanted to go out with them unfortunately most of the time things did not work out and I don't blame them, many times I spent it talking about Yuiri and I think that was not right. Some did not speak to me again because they talked about how they could not constantly compete with Yuiri or others who became my friends and they only looked at me with understanding that my love for Yuiri will always be above them.

Everything settled down little by little, I had dates ... Many dates if I can boast but none of them filled me up and Yuiri went out with several guys but nothing serious or at least that's what she told me. Our dynamics had changed now allowing me to be gallant with her and she flirted a bit with me which I was glad as I didn't know that side of her. Everything was fine until that spring when someone very important in my life arrived, although at that time I was not going to know.

Meeting Mako has been one of the best things that have happened to me in my life, finding a person who loves me, cares for me and watches over me like she is something rare to find. I accept myself with all my mistakes, I did not ask questions about my past, she never questioned my friendship with Yuiri until our meeting with Megu but in general respected my privacy and came to appreciate Yuiri which gave her extra points, over time I realized that Ithought about her a lot, wanted to be with her and felt an anxiety to see her.

Things evolved in such a way that we developed a very special relationship, where she had become one of the most important people in my life. I wanted to be with her all the time, to talk, to live together, I wanted to take care of her and protect her, Do everything in my power so that she could be happy, we had endless talks after classes, messages and phone talks. Everything was almost like a fairy tale of how good our relationship was but now that I think about it I don't know why I hesitated so long to ask her to be my girlfriend if I liked everything about her.

Time passed, there were several ups and downs but no danger, I had everything, I was doing well in my career, I had a girlfriend whom I loved very much, a best friend always by my side so everything looked the best until that fateful day,. Mako couldn't handle the rumors of a possible relationship between Yuiri and me and decided on her own to get away from me, which made my heart break in a way I never imagined, because of this I committed foolishness after foolishness until I fell sick and it was nothing more and nothing less than at the University, Mako found out and went to visit me.

After this we were able to fix things and resume our relationship, everything was back in place now with a new member who was Mako's friend named Takahashi Juri, I will not lie to say that I liked her from the beginning because I saw her with a little suspicious due to the closeness that Mako had with her, later I understood that she was just a friend and Mako is not always friendly with all people so I decided not to give it more importance.

Some time later the event happened where we went to the cafeteria and a guy tried to flirt with Yuiri and I found out that there were more men who were hanging around her, there I knew that something was wrong with me because how could I be jealous that my friend seeks love, always seeing flaws in any man who tried to approach her with other intentions. I swore at that moment that it was just a friend's jealousy, that knowing that we won't be able to spend so much time together I would feel alone despite having Mako by my side, speaking of her I had another problem due to my jealousy that everyone knows. They realized, after thinking about it a lot, I convinced myself that it had only been jealousy of a friend or sister and not of another type so with this in mind I talked with Mako and told her that I felt nothing but sisterly love for Yuiri and even told her that I loved her because at that moment I was convinced that what I felt  for her was purely love.

Everything happened normal or at least that's what I wanted to think but Yuiri began to distance herself from us and that began to bother me but I decided not to say anything so as not to worry Mako, then I decided to pluck up my courage and ask her once and for all why she has been ignoring me, the answer I got was not what I was looking for, the situation got out of my hands and I cornered her, at that moment I did not know why but her indifference hurt me again like that time we distanced ourselves after my declaration of love, then after an intense battle of gazes and my threatening closeness that was beginning to suffocate her, she took me by the shoulders and kissed me, it was not an innocent or quiet kiss. It was a passionate kiss, I did not know what to think YUIRI MY BEST FRIEND AND EX FIRST LOVE was kissing me to which I did not know what to do but suddenly an image came to my mind ... MAKO, I was her girlfriend and I owed her all my loyalty, so reacting I ended up taking her away from me and claiming her for which she had a surprised expression as if she could not understand what had happened, then she looked at me with horror and Mako arrived to take my hand and leave the place. An impulse within me told me that I should stay and talk things over with her because things couldn't stay that way but the reason told me that the right thing to do was to stay with MY GIRLFRIEND.

Soon after another event happened, Yuiri requested to see MAKO, she (Mako) no longer wanted to have secrets with me and she invited me to listen to her conversation, as her talk went by, my mind is becoming a battlefield where my thoughts towards Yuiri were changing She was openly confessing that she loves me, that she wants to be by my side to form a life together as a couple and that she is willing to risk our friendship in order to achieve it. In my mind it convinces me that my place is next to Mako because our history together but on the other hand knowing that Yuiri finally had those feelings for me made me feel very indecisive, when I listened at the end of her talk that I had to choose between the two, my heart was shattered because I didn't want to, why I had to choose?, why couldn't I be like before .. why... why...

The last thing was my last meeting with Yuiri, after receiving Mako's diary that made me understand many things that were going through her head, it was time to face Yuiri for the last time to the surprise of both of them it was Mako's idea to deliver her diary so that she would also know our history and our feelings. Afterwards, as we have always done without planning it, we were already in our favorite place, that park with swings that could tell so many stories about us, so many shared laughter and tears and now it will be part of our history witnessing this moment of decision but that now could be something definitive. Having her by my side gave me peace because I know that I can always count on her but that does not let my thoughts cloud over reality. I know what she wants, she wants me to make a decision that will affect our relationship forever. Those moments were very useful to me because I was able to be calm even for a moment. She allowed me to relax and think about things without pressure to make the best decision for me because I know that in the end both what they want is my happiness and that is what I intend to do.

At the end of that evening I could see my whole panorama clearly and that kiss that I shared with Yuiri that could be the last one was a balm to my heart in an inexplicable way, maybe because I didn't feel like I was cheating on Mako. It was so natural that moment, having her in my arms as I always dreamed of but I never imagined that it could happen, when our lips met it was quite an experience, although she had kissed me previously, it was not the same as sharing a kiss where we both put our part. It was something magical that happened that night, I felt a connection that was not there before and I do not speak only physically but about something else.


/*Back to reality*/

Decide. That is what I must do with my mind clear but with emotions on the surface, I can finally take that step that scares me so much, I see the map of the train and I can glimpse the name of that station that I wait so eagerly , the sound that indicates that the doors are about to open sounds, I hurry out of the car to leave the station.

And there I can see her distracted with her cell phone, I hope I could freeze this moment to be able to see her always calm. I sidled up since I did not know how to start the conversation.

-I'm here- I say in a low voice almost like a whisper.

- You came ... - You tell me while you draw the most sincere smile and your look shows me an infinite love.



To be Continue >>


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