August 22, 2020 

Dani

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Ringing. 

That's all I can hear in my ears after the music blares like sirens all around the stadium. The chaotic mixture of excitement filled screams, cries, and laughter concoct the perfect mixture to deafen my ears while I stand in the darkest corner off the concert hall. The staff section. Lasers and bright light shows start to dance around the crowd to the fast beat of the music, and I start to wonder if I'm going blind too. 

It's crazy to think how I've been to so many of their concerts before, but every time it hits me like a hammer to the head as if it were my first. This is amazing. How do these seven boys manage to bring out all these different emotions from a stadium of over twenty thousand fans every single time? 

I pull myself together from the stupor that I was out in from the opening performance and take a look around me. In a crowd filled with thousands I feel so small. A tiny fish in the vast ocean. No one ever looks twice at people like me, especially when you work in the background of someone so big. Staff. The only thing that matters is the outcome, which in this case, is the world tour. I'm just a minuscule part of the journey towards the end. 

The massive speakers start to shake from the low and constant humming of the bass. Standing next to them is doing me no good as I feel as though my body turned to jello is and shaking from the roars coming from the speakers. The amazement that once was thrilling subsides and is followed by a piercing headache from the overwhelming sounds and lights around me. But since I am technically in the job, I must push through. I can't walk out. 

I look for my wedding band on my left hand, for which I have a habit of obsessively twirling when I'm flustered or anxious. But to my disappointment the ring is no longer settled on my lanky fingers. Oh yeah, I'm not married anymore. 

Habits are scary in that kind of way. You do things without thinking twice because it's become routine. But when the routine is no longer available, it brings a different level of disappointment. Fear almost. A whole wave of emptiness. 

I shake my head trying to stop feeling sorry for myself and finally look up to the boys who are captivating everyone in the arena. I smile and acknowledge the time and effort that these boys put into each step to make it look effortless. It's kind of ironic, huh. Working so hard to make something look effortless is indeed a crazy logic. I chucked to myself after making that realization when something catches my attention. Someone catches my attention.  I slowly look up on stage and his eyes meets mine. He's been watching me. 

He is looking at me. I am looking at him. 

And in this brief moment, it is just us two in this stadium.