Heaviest Snowfall to Hit Seoul in Seventy Years.  

          January of 2010 had brought on wind chills below minus twenty degrees celsius. Jaehyun wasn't the biggest fan of the cold, but sitting at the window seat of a cafe looking out into a snowy street with a cup of coffee was something that he had grown to appreciate recently.  Especially once he was able to find a quiet enough place in the middle of the city to escape from the cold. His laptop was opened in front of him working on a project he had been looking into for the past month. The words made their way onto the document almost effortlessly, until the slight buzz of his cell phone.

          ‘Jaime ♡ : Leaving now, will be there in 10!’

          Jaehyun types a quick ‘see you soon,’ before he puts the cellphone back into his pocket. A customer opening the cafe’s door brought a cold gust of wind that rustled the loose papers that sat on the table. When he goes to lay his hand over it out of instinct, his eyes fall on the letter that he had received that morning.   

December 30th, 2009

Dear Jaehyun,

          Am I looking forward to the new year? I’m not sure. I don’t know if it’s your influence on me or if it’s just the fact that I’m growing up, but I’ve been thinking a lot recently. Over thinking- really. I’m sure you’re familiar with that concept. 2010 will be the last year of my 20s and I’m having a hard time placing what I’m feeling.  Part of me knows that the coming year won't be much different from the next, and yet it feels like I’m experiencing the passing of an era. I’m not saying I want to go back and do it all over again, because I’ve grown so much within the last nine years and I definitely don’t want to go back to being the dumb 20 year old that I was. Still, I’m going to miss some of the perks of being young. 

          A friend set me up with his coworker a couple of weeks ago... 

          There was something about the letter that didn’t sit right with Jaehyun. Maybe it was the fact that the man intentionally added a detail into the letter that poked at his curiosity. Or maybe it was just the fact that he had never really thought of Johnny to be a romantic entity (how could he? The man couldn’t even appreciate the artistry of The Hour Past Midnight ). 

          The initial reaction had come in the form of a knot at the pit of his stomach, a feeling that he couldn’t quite place. Of course Johnny dated and had relationships, just because he had never discussed any of that in their correspondence doesn’t mean it should have elicited such a physical reaction from Jaehyun. He hadn’t talked much about relationships in his letters either. The knot at the pit of his stomach had grown into something else once the thought had settled in. Why was it that he had such a negative response to such a normal part of life? 

          “Hey Jae'' A female voice chimed, pulling Jaehyun away from the laptop that he had been aimlessly staring at. His attention shifts to the figure in front of him, a smile growing on Jaehyun’s lips as she leans towards him. He greets her with a quick peck on the lips before pulling away, allowing her to get comfortable. “Sorry, I didn't think it would be so late… our manager wanted to stay and tie up some loose threads before the weekend, which meant all of us had to- Fun." Jaehyun gathered the papers that were strewn across the table, piling them up including the letter before he shoves it into his binder. 

          "Oh it's okay, really, thought I’d use the time to do some work… ” Jaehyun watched as the woman ped her winter coat before draping it on top of the unused chair beside her. “So, how’s the project going?” he continued when she sat down. 

          “Ah… I don’t want to talk about work right now.” Jaime says, for a moment it seems as if she was about to say something. Jaehyun knows what it is by the look of mixed emotions on her face, but when she takes his hand, squeezes slightly, the conversation shifts into something so mundane that it catches him off guard. Jaime glances at the mug that was in front of him before meeting his eyes. “The new brand of coffee from home really isn’t doing it for me- it’s so light I keep having to make new cups…  or maybe I’m just getting addicted these days-'' She shook her head, Jaehyun gives her a ‘you think?’ look. “Nah, can’t be it- I’m going to get a cup.” She flashes him a smile before excusing herself to get the order. “I’ll be back.”

          When Jaime returns back, she has a cup of coffee settled in front of her. Her eyes that were trained on her phone quickly shifts as she turns the screen off and diverts her attention back to Jaehyun. There is a familiar feeling that settles between them. A certain tension of unsaid words seems to weigh heavily on the conversation that they have. It takes another thirty minutes before she finally brings it up. Neither one of them was really looking forward to this conversation. “So, I guess we should talk about the thing...”

          ...We went out for drinks, and I’m not one to really think of age as being a barrier, but she reminded me of the person I was in my early 20s. I don’t think it’s an age thing, it’s more of a personality type, but that was who I was too. Everything was just so intense back then, you jump into things impulsively, get bored easily. I think it was about senior year of college when I met this person guy. He was a dance major, spoke five languages, and had a way about him that made you want to be the person he wanted you to be. It was so good in its prime, every feeling that we had was multiplied by itself; it was new... you know? Exciting. That was until we figured out that we weren’t compatible and it crashed and burned a couple of months later. We were better as friends. I learned a lot from that relationship. I’ve learned a lot from the following ones too, but that one really changed my perspective on what a relationship should be… or what it shouldn't... 

          Johnny had a lot of theories when it came to life and people. He always had an anecdote to go along with his musings. One of his theories is that cafes are the best place to have a deep conversation with people you barely care about. It’s the perfect place to meet with someone you’re only half-invested in. You have all the right ingredients for an intimate conversation with none of the pressure for commitment . Most of Johnny’s musings were easily dismissable, but then there was the odd one that stuck. In many ways, our life is a performance… taking on a role, embracing that role, and becoming it. In your performance, you change, but you also change others around you. You’re directed to act a certain way, look a certain way, and whether you adhere to it or not, it creates ripples in your performance and on to another’s. I think when you make the decision to perform the way society expects you to…  for better or worse, you become part of that society that expects someone else to do the same. That was Johnny’s long-winded explanation as to why he poured his cereal before milk. Because it was socially acceptable, and expected of him.

          Life is a performance. 

          It had been almost a year since they started dating. A mutual friend had set them up with the claim that they had to meet one another. Despite how much he insisted that the commonality of speaking English wasn’t grounds to ensure a successful relationship, they had gone on a date. One lead to another. They had gotten comfortable with one another- and Jaehyun couldn’t complain, they were compatible. His relationship with Jaime was easy, almost too easy. It was easy just to be in a relationship, to float from one conversation to another in the middle of the night, and to have a sense of security waking up to a familiar face. It was easy to have a plus-one for engagement parties and wedding anniversaries that neither of them wanted to go to. 

          Their relationship was comfortable. 

          A chime on Jaime’s phone directs both of their attention to the notification on the screen. ‘Congratulations!’ it reads with a flurry of celebratory emoticons. It had been two weeks since her interview with her company’s headquarters in Thailand. A smile grows on her lips naturally at the message before their eyes meet, and as they do it changes into a sad one. Jaime seems almost apologetic before Jaehyun spoke, “It’s okay- you know I’m happy for you too, really, I want this for you.” 

          Life is a performance. 

          Maybe their relationship was just… convenient. 

          ….I think if I were to get into a relationship now, it would be a slower progression. Get to know the person well instead of trying to make it work with someone I don’t. I kind of understand now why people sometimes end up dating their friends. Can’t believe it took me seven years to figure out what I could have learned by watching the TV show ‘Friends’.  But then again… I guess it took them ten years too. Not saying anyone should be looking for relationship advice from Friends, in fact, I strongly recommend against it, especially considering the most popular couple of the sitcom. But having watched the series a couple of times, I've always found that the relationship between Monica and Chandler was one that I like. Not that they are the ideal either, but it works. They’re just such different personalities that they compliment each other. 

          I just realized that I’ve been going on about a show that I’m not sure if you’ve even watched. But you understand right? I think a relationship needs to be a combination of that; the comfort of being with someone that you already know, the synergy of two contrasting personalities, and that inexplicable excitement when it’s someone that you are genuinely attracted to and are interested in…

          “Long-distance relationships are not easy…” Jaime says, the statement was too matter of fact- a note as if she was weighing out the costs and benefits of a business partnership and Jaehyun hums in agreement. It had been about a week since the news of the offer was brought up. She would move to Thailand in a month-  paperwork, and packing had taken up much of the time they were together and the conversation never came up. Or maybe it was that neither of them had really thought that far into their relationship.

          He was all for living in the moment and not putting pressure on the relationship- but he couldn’t remember back to a point in time where they prepared or even discussed a future between them. Everything they planned was for the near foreseeable future. Milestones in relationships that they would be excited to cross were hard to even point out within the past year. 

          It takes a few seconds of silence before their eyes meet and it seemed as if they had both come to the same conclusion. Jaehyun’s lips tug up into a tight smile as the uncomfortable realization dawns on him. It was as if the major feature of their relationship had unknowingly become its temporariness. 

          Their relationship was based on convenience and this… wasn't. 

          “I do love you…” Jaehyun says, and he wasn’t sure if he was trying to convince himself or Jaime. 

          “I know,” She nodded facing out for a moment as an unreadable expression washes over her face. Neither of them knew what to say next. Not that they needed to- the feeling was mutual. Much of their relationship wasn’t defined, so the ending really didn’t need to be either. Jaime finally lets out a deep sigh, as if to rid of some of the tension that was building up. “Ahh… what a bummer.” A smile breaks at the corners of their lips, finally relaxing a bit. The ending of any good relationship was a little sad, but what bothered Jaehyun was that he wasn’t exactly heartbroken about this one either. 

          What he and Jaime shared was nice, it was good in many ways. Jaehyun has always thought that dating and friendship were conflicting dynamics, but with her it was a  pleasant combination of both. Their personalities, despite their differences, meshed well. But maybe Johnny was right- maybe the blandness of what they had was because they never felt that inexplicable excitement for one another.  

          “Yuta’s going to be so upset.” Jaime quirked a brow in confusion at Jaehyun’s musing. “You’re leaving with his Com2uS employee discount.” She feigns a look of offense; scoffing before a rolled-up tissue was tossed at him, prompting a bout of laughter. The conversation they had both been anxious to dive into had somehow turned into an affable parting.  

          “I’m gonna miss you…” Jaime says, “I mean not enough to send you letters every month about daily life and dissertations on coffee and philosophy but…” Jaehyun chokes on the bottle of water that he had reached out for a moment ago, followed by a fit of coughs. When he attempts to pull himself together, Jaehyun doesn’t miss the slight smile on Jaime’s lips.  

          The night had taken on a lighter air from there, conversation shifted to her move to Thailand and her new job. It was eleven by the time the shop closed, and the two were politely elbowed out into the cold once again. Jaehyun accompanies Jaime on her walk home before they part for the night.

          It was almost midnight by the time he returned to a rather quiet apartment. Yuta has gone to bed, he figured before he tuned into the news channel. The weather reporter exclaims that the city would face another day of heavy snowfall that weekend as Jaehyun gets comfortable. Digging through the binder he pulls out the letter from earlier.     

          …but hey that’s just my theory. For me, there was always one of those missing.  

          I don’t mean to come back to it again but also the reason I like the Monica and Chandler relationship is because part of me likes the idea that love might happen where you never expect it to, when you're not looking. On multiple occasions, Monica denied the possibility of anything more than a platonic relationship with Chandler. But ends up realizing that... love might be closer than you think. 

          Even if it takes a bout of insecurity and finding the wrong person behind the door you knock on looking for comfort.*  

          Well, friend, wishing us both an interesting decade beginning year.  

Happy New Year!

Johnny

Note: *it is a reference to Friends, if there's anyone who has not watched friends, the character Monica feeling upset knocks on a hotel door trying to find someone in their group of friends hoping for a one night stand, but is instead greeted by Chandler, which starts a relationship between them.

Anyway, comment if you please :)