A/N: Hello, it's J. The MCAT is just around the corner for me and I've been studying nonstop. Thought I'd write this chapter in between. Thank you and I love you guys! 

Also, my twitter and my curiouscat are in my profile if you guys want to drop me a follow and/or want to ask me something. 

Hope was a window, able to dole out all sorts of possibilities by the mere mention of it—an escape, an entrance, an exit. It was the safety between harsh winds or torrid storms, looking out at the cruel world outside, but not getting hurt. It was the warmth and also the chill, the reason why one may be happy or the reason one might fall into despair. A double edged sword, it was. Maybe that was why there was a windowpane, pain under the cover of hope. 

It was the middle of the night and Seulgi couldn’t sleep. As she sat on her office chair, she brandished a mug of warm milk and the soft tunes of Sun Rai embedded into her ear. Deep, dark circles formed under her eyes, unable to grab some shut eye before she went on her little “date” as Joohyun liked to call it. Staring outside her window, she found the old, rusted swing on the oak tree, and the street behind it. 

She watched the leaves sway back and forth, and intermittently, she drank from her mug tiny sips, as if she was saving it for later. Second thoughts plagued her mind once again. No matter what she tried to do, that same agitation racked at it, rattled and tore her confidence to shreds. Questions with no answers, beginnings with no ends, an empty pool with no water—Seulgi was lost as a tsunami crashed over and over with the same doubt that Joohyun warned of, the same doubt Seulgi was sure she was rid of. But of course, doubt never truly left. It lurked like a lion stalking its prey, waiting to strike at the most inopportune moment, lashing and lacerating her and taking her apart at the seams. 

She was not used to this, of course, an event this important. No circles marked on her calendar, no plans, or notes. This was the first BIG thing, and this was the first experience of dealing with all that pressure. 

Eventually, she stopped staring outside the window and downed the rest of her milk with a long chug. She turned off Sun Rai, tossed the earphones on to her desk, and jumped face first into her pillow, trying to put her unwilling self into a restful sleep. As she fell further and further into her slumber, soft snores accompanied it, and throughout the night, she would wake and go back to sleep several times, almost to the point where she thought it would’ve been better to not have slept at all.

The morning sun rose to the east, and here Seulgi was wishing it would go back to where it came from. She gave up trying to find a peaceful and restful slumber, knowing that as soon as the light seeped in through her curtains, she wouldn’t find the slightest wink of sleep. 

She heard her door open. It was Mom. She was smiling softly. 

“Sooyoung told me,” her mom said.

Wait, no. Tell me she didn’t. 

“You have a date today?,” she continued.

Thank god.

“Mhm,” Seulgi mumbled into her pillow. 

Seulgi heard a small chuckle and a small hum of approval, like a mother proud. 

“And you didn’t get a wink of good sleep, did you?”

Seulgi shook her head into her pillow. As much as her mom never showed up, she somehow knew Seulgi by heart. A mother’s intuition, as Seulgi liked to call it. 

“Don’t embarrass yourself...or do. I’m sure she’ll find it funny.”

Huh.

Seulgi’s head darted from her pillow and looked at her Mom with incredulous eyes. “You know it’s a girl?”

“Honey, I’ve known ever since you were a kid. No princes in your collection or even when we watched movies together, you always noticed how hot the heroine was. Anyway, it doesn’t matter, does it? You’re in love and that’s more than I could ever ask for.”

Seulgi couldn’t find anything to say. “Ma…” she managed.

Her mom huffed and shook her head, smiling as she did. “I have to go to work now and...eat breakfast, will you?” Seulgi nodded to that. “Good and you can use my makeup to cover those panda eyes.” Her mother came up to her and kissed the crown of her head. “Go get her champ.”

Seulgi only wordlessly nodded as her mother left the room with a small click of the door. 

Champ. New name. New label. Much, much better.

//

Joohyun had this tiny crinkle around her eyes whenever she thought hard on something. A test or quiz, a thrilling debate or at a stumping question at the Quiz Bowl, Seulgi noticed it each and every time. She had a face that couldn’t lie. 

That was who Seulgi knew for years, the girl who wore her heart on her sleeve, showed it off with neon colors and flourished it with pride. Her emotions were her strength and at the same time, her weakness. Seulgi was in awe of it, how someone could be so true to themselves, so sure and confident that people would like what they saw. It was something to be admired. It was something to be jealous of. 

Joohyun fit in the spaces Seulgi left blank. Whereas Joohyun was confident, Seulgi was doubtful. The subjects Joohyun was good in, Seulgi was awful. While Joohyun was a social butterfly, Seulgi was a wallflower. 

Seulgi hoped that Joohyun would be able to fill the spaces in between her fingers soon enough. 

She left the house. Godspeed.

A text from Sooyoung.

Better use the money! gl!

A text from Seungwan.

Use the skills I taught you, cutie. 

A text from Yeri.

They came one after the other, Seulgi had to wonder if they were in cahoots with each other, but Sooyoung was trying to run away from Yeri, while Seungwan was, in part, a bit detached from the whole love thing, said “Maybe one day, but not now or soon, but one day,” and Seulgi respected that position to take a step back. 

Seulgi waited in front of the statue of Redding Zoo on a bench where the sun’s rays seeped in from the cloudy sky. An hour early, in part because of her nervousness, the rest because she realized she forgot to buy tickets for the two of them. (which may have resulted from the nervousness to be fair.)

This was the worst. The wait. Because as always, being alone meant being alone with her thoughts, and they were the last thing she needed in a situation such as this. 

Be yourself. Dr. Kim’s words rang inside her mind in a mantra. Being herself was not so bad she figured. It could be much, much worse. She could be completely mute, and she wouldn’t even have the chance to talk to Joohyun, or maybe deaf and hear her beautiful voice, or blind and see her gorgeous face. Bae Joohyun was something to be experienced by all five senses. Kang Seulgi was Kang Seulgi and that was good enough.

A simple grey hoodie and jeans, finished with white trainers and big, round lensless glasses. Bae Joohyun finally appeared in the distance. As casual as she looked, she made that simple outfit look so expensive, more so because when Seulgi looked closer, a small purse was strapped across her shoulder, that familiar Fendi logo adorning the lock. 

Closer and closer. Seulgi blanked, all thoughts raced out of her mind, and they’re filled with only one Bae Joohyun. How pretty she looked, how elegant she was, how she bounced on her step, or how she fixed her glasses by nudging it up with her finger just a tiny bit. Seulgi noticed everything, even that tiny crinkle around her eyes that formed when Joohyun spotted her. 

What’s she thinking so hard about?

That crinkle disappeared as quickly as it appeared, and what replaced it were crescents where her eyes were supposed to be and a big, bright toothy smile.

“Seulgi!” Joohyun called out and her steps became a

light jog, full of excitement and joy. 

Seulgi couldn’t say a greeting back, frozen still on the realization that this was actually happening. She managed a small, “Oh...Joohyun,” but nothing else.

Joohyun crashed into her with a small bone-crushing hug, one that made Seulgi wonder how someone with a tiny frame could have so much power in her arms. When Joohyun pulled away, Seulgi could see this gentleness in her eyes, but it was quickly replaced with a look of pure, unbridled happiness. 

“Ready?”

Seulgi nodded.

The stroll around the zoo was going to plan. Seulgi had the route planned out in her head, and Joohyun obediently followed. They exchanged small talk, but not full blown conversations. Seulgi didn’t think she could handle that in this atmosphere. Unfortunately, Joohyun wasn’t going to have that.

“Sooyoung likes animals,” Joohyun said as a matter of fact, like she was a tour guide on Sooyoung’s heart, a well meaning one but without the slightest clue of what was really going on.

“Oh, really?”

“Really. Adores them and they love her back. Our dog at home is all over her.”

“Haetnim?” 

“You know of her?”

“Sooyoung mentioned something about some vomit on the passenger seat before.”

Joohyun smiled slightly, but didn’t say anything back. She busied herself with watching the lions lounge lazily around their habitat, a bit in awe but Seulgi could see in her eyes a sort of fear she wasn’t expecting.

“I take it you’re not so comfortable around animals,” Seulgi prodded. She knew she was poking a sleeping bear with a stick. Because when she saw that glare that followed, she knew she hit a cord.

“Am I that obvious?”

“You’ve been jittery this whole time,” Seulgi revealed, knowing for a fact that if anyone was jittery, it was her own self. 

Joohyun fiddled with the straps of her bag, her shoulders were up and tense, and she had this unease that surrounded her the moment she saw the monkeys near the entrance. It was as if she thought the animals had no cages and were free to roam around as they pleased. It was very telling, and Seulgi didn’t expect anything less. If Joohyun was sad, she frowned; happy, she smiled; scared, she became restless. If Seulgi was an open book, Joohyun was a full blown library. 

“I err…” Joohyun lost her words for a moment. “...I uhh.”

Did we switch roles or something?

Seulgi didn’t give her a chance to say anything.

“I have to come clean with you,” Seulgi said, her voice firm and resolute. Joohyun straightened up and offered Seulgi her full attention. “Me and Sooyoung. We don’t…” Seulgi sighed. “...we aren’t….I mean I don’t like her the way you think I do. She’s a friend, just a friend.”

There was that crinkle, that long thoughtful look, the one where Joohyun’s cogs and gears turned with every passing second. Seulgi held her breath, watching as Joohyun’s face morphed from a thoughtful look to a confused one to a full blown scowl. But eventually, Joohyun relaxed into an understanding nod with her bottom lip jutting out. 

“Then that letter you were writing then?”

“It was…” No lying. “...for you.” Technically true. 

Joohyun gave a small huff as she smiled. “Seulgi, you are fascinating. Did she give you anything for those letters? The ones you wrote for me?”

Seulgi shook her head. “I did it because it was what a friend would do.” Technically true.

Joohyun shook her head as a small smile creeped up on her face. “You’re unreal. The best friend ever,” she said with a voice breathless as they could come. 

Seulgi only gave a small hum. When she was about to say something, Joohyun found her words first and spoke instead.

“If we’re coming clean on things, then I have to confess.”

Seulgi held her breath as she unconsciously leaned forward, her ears perking up, trying to pick up every little note and idiosyncrasy in Joohyun’s voice. 

Joohyun continued, “I kissed you because I used to have a crush on you.”

What?

“I think it was in sixth grade? You were reading some book I was into at the time.”

Seulgi remembered. “Twelve Angry Men.”

Joohyun snapped her fingers. “That’s right! And...and I wanted to talk to you but you seemed to be in your own little world and I just...I didn’t want to disturb that. Eventually, I got over you and I just...let things be. I thought I’d have a little go at the carnival, see what I was missing out on. I have to say, you didn’t do too bad.”

Seulgi swallowed the lump in . Her and Joohyun were one in the same, two people afraid to talk to each other and those chances were missed left and right. Almost. They almost had something, but of course, almost never was enough.

“That’s err that’s sur...sur...surprising.”

“You’re flustered,” Joohyun teased.

“I just…” Seulgi couldn’t speak properly again. “Me? I-I tho...thought…”

Joohyun tilted her head, a look of confusion streams across her face. “Thought what?” she asked.

Seulgi couldn't look her in the eyes, or else she’d get lost in those orbs, and she would fall even further into this mess she was in. “Well I was well...me. You liked me, the girl teachers skip when they’re asking students to read from the book cause it’d delay class time, the girl who ate lunch in the back of the bleachers in middle school with Seungwan cause we had nowhere else to sit. The invisible nobody. You liked that girl?”

“I liked a girl who smiled and let all her emotions out when she was reading her books. It’s like you had a secret but you wouldn’t tell and you’re giggling and falling over from your laughter and I’m just wondering what kind of world you’re in. I wanted to be a part of that. I wanted to be let in on that secret. I wanted to smile along with you.”

Seulgi gaped, not fully grasping Joohyun’s words. Sure those feelings Joohyun had were long gone, but they were still feelings she once had, and she never thought the girl would ever have had them. As she was about to say something, Joohyun again found her words first.

“Enough of this, I want to go look at the penguins,” Joohyun said as she pulled Seulgi along by the wrist. It felt like steaming hot coals and her wrist burned from Joohyun’s searing touch, but she didn’t dare pull away. 

“What about Seungwan?” Seulgi blurted out as she was pulled along.

“What about her?”

“Did you like her?” 

Joohyun didn’t say anything, and Seulgi feared for the worst. The back of Joohyun’s head gave no indication, no sign of the feelings laid out in front. Instead, Seulgi got her answer when Joohyun started walking faster and her grip on her wrist became tighter.

That was it then. Joohyun did like Seungwan, and she still did.

Joohyun’s touch did not make her flustered any longer, but instead worried. She felt as though she hit the wrong chord when she asked that question, overstepped her boundaries. The way Joohyun became mute following it and the way her body reacted. Seulgi read Joohyun well, almost too well, and it scared her how she could see the feelings Joohyun laid out even though she did not say exactly what she felt. 

Eventually, they arrived where Yeri and Sooyoung taught her all she needed to know. (Everything taught was forgotten and unused. Things didn’t go to plan with Joohyun involved.) 

Wordlessly, Joohyun brought them to the Rockhopper penguins and Seulgi could see in her eyes this sort of twinkle, a twinkle that appeared whenever she was fascinated with something, or rather, whenever she was in love with something. Seulgi took note of this particular trait of hers, because, of course, she was waiting for it to be used on her. (It never has)

Eventually Joohyun said, “I’m deathly afraid of animals, but I’m trying to overcome my fear. Sooyoung wants to get another dog and I’m trying not to scream every time Haetnim comes running after me.” She turned to Seulgi, that twinkle in her eyes gone but replaced with a soft, gentle gaze instead. “Thanks for coming with me and showing me around. I’m glad I have you.”

(Seulgi caught that last sentence and put it in her pocket. She would be saving that for later, whenever she got down and feeling blue.)

“I love…” Seulgi caught herself. “I’d love to do it again.”

//

At the end of the day, Seulgi made no mention of Seungwan, and she didn’t try to flirt with Joohyun. It felt odd, a bit wrong really, to try and court someone that was hurting. Even though Joohyun was smiling, Seulgi could feel the gloom emanating from her. Joohyun looked at Seulgi like she looked at Seungwan, as if Seulgi reminded her of Seungwan. (being best friends and all) So Seulgi kept shut and let things pass, just as Joohyun did all those years ago. 

“I’ll see you Monday?” Joohyun asked, her hands behind her back as she swayed side to side. 

“Monday,” Seulgi affirmed. “And if you need anyone to talk to, I’m your girl.”

“I’ll keep that in mind. I’ll see you later Seun-ahem-Seulgi.”

Seulgi pursed her lips and with the straightest face she could muster, she nodded and said, “See you Joohyun.”

As Joohyun walked away, Seulgi knew she had a problem she didn’t know how to fix. The more she talked to Joohyun, the more she felt that Joohyun saw her as Seungwan, as some sort of replacement. She didn’t see this coming, really. 

Seulgi shook her head. “,” she muttered as those very thoughts that lingered this morning resurfaced in full force. 

Home. She needed to go home. Take a breather, shower or maybe a bath. Ugh, maybe a nice warm meal and some candles. Because she knew come Monday, it’ll all come after her and stress her out all over again.

Joohyun felt like a stranger and that scared Seulgi.

//

Monday came with a bang, literally. Come dawn, a roaring came rapping at her bedroom door, and she buried her head into her pillow. Only one person could be making that noise, and even though Seulgi would be racking her head at how she got in, sleep was hard to come by and her thoughts were scattered.

“Seulgi, open the damn door!” Sooyoung yelled as she banged on her bedroom door. Crass, a bit rude. Words that would mainly describe Sooyoung if it weren’t overpowered with kindhearted and charming. 

Seulgi buried her head further inside her pillow, as if that would quell the bull in a china shop named Park Sooyoung. (new flash: it didn’t. not even close.) 

“Ugh,” Seulgi groaned as she flourished her blanket aside and trudged her way to the door. When she opened the door, Sooyoung rushed inside in a panic with her head in her hands. 

Sooyoung turned to her, her eyes bulging out of their sockets and an outstretched hand, as if she was accusing her of something.

“What the happened at the zoo?” Sooyoung's voice boomed and it left Seulgi swallowing a lump in .

“My mom’s still sleeping. Keep it down,” Seulgi warned.

In a much lower volume, but with an even firmer and frankly more chilling tone, Sooyoung repeated, “What the happened at the zoo, Kang Seulgi?”

“What do you mean?” 

“You told me it was fine and you guys had a good time,” Sooyoung’s voice rose and rose with each and every word. 

“We did! We just...What’s happening?”

“What’s happening?” Sooyoung chuckled in disbelief. “You know what’s happening? She said she’s going to ask Seungwan to get back together.”

“Excuse me?” 

“Tell me what happened at the zoo, Seulgi.”

Seulgi gaped. Sighing, she nodded. “Okay, I didn’t try.”

“What do you mean you didn’t try?”

“To flirt with her or anything,” Seulgi confessed and she could see as Sooyoung’s face turned into a full blown scowl.

“You-”

“She almost called me Seungwan.” Seulgi didn’t let Sooyoung talk. “So I didn’t try. Is that the answer you were looking for, huh?”

“It’s...that’s-”

“The last thing I want is to be a second choice.” Seulgi put her foot forward and stepped towards Sooyoung. “Joohyun is a bag of mixed signals, Sooyoung, but what I saw at the zoo was clear as day. She’s still not over Seungwan.” Seulgi ran a hand through her hair, frustrated. “You know she told me the other day she was going to break up with Seungwan. Next, she’s crying about it. I think…” Seulgi shook her head. “...I don’t know who your sister is, Sooyoung. I don’t know what’s going on in that head of hers. Frankly, I’m getting tired. I just…”

“You need to tell her about the letters.”

Seulgi frowned. “You said not to.”

“I said not yet, but it seems as though my plans have to come earlier.”

“What did you have in mind?”

Sooyoung went into a deep think, her hand on her chin, looking like the Thinker by Auguste Rodin. Seulgi merely watched as the delinquent deliberated everything. The master planner. 

“That speech,” Sooyoung suddenly blurted out. “We’ll hit it in one fell swoop. It’s romantic and it gets the truth out.”

“You’re telling me to confess to Bae Joohyun in front of the whole student body. I can’t even talk in front of that many people yet.” Seulgi wasn’t even entertaining the idea, finding it laughable, and well...Seulgi was laughing because it was just that hilarious.

“You’re laughing now, but will you be laughing when she sticks her tongue down your throat from how romantic it will be?”

“That’s…” Seulgi couldn’t find a proper reply. It did sound tempting to taste Joohyun’s lips once again.

“I thought so.” Sooyoung put a hand on Seulgi’s shoulder, and Seulgi found strength in Sooyoung’s determined eyes. “You’re a good writer. Write her the best goddamn speech you’ve ever written.”

“I’m supposed to be writing a speech about the essay contest. What do I do with Ms. Hyoyeon?”

Sooyoung smirked.

“I think I’ll need to be more subtle, but I’ll have to convince her my own way.”

Oh, Sooyoung you wouldn’t.