// start //

When Chorong was a child, neglect was a feeling too familiar to her. It wasn’t her fault that she was the middle child in her family. The only time Chorong felt attention and recognition was when her father trained her in hapkido. It’s the only reason she kept training. Naturally, being a hapkido master, Chorong’s father wanted to pass it on to the next generation in his family. She continued learning and practicing through sweat and tears for 8 years, earning herself a sam dan (3rd degree) black belt in hapkido. It might’ve been her father’s proudest moment of her, and it was upsetting that it was something she didn’t want to do, but it was still an achievement, nonetheless.

What she did want to do was be an idol. At age 18, she decided to go to seoul and audition for jyp entertainment. She made it to the last round where she was then eliminated but it only fuelled her passion and she eventually joined acube entertainment as a trainee at 19 years old.

And that’s where she meets Bomi.

Bomi is like a fire you can’t put out. She’s cheerful and bubbly, the life of the party type of person. Bomi was already a trainee in the company when Chorong joined. As a trainee, she was friendly with everyone and it was impossible not to hear Bomi if you were in the same room as her. Chorong learned this from first-hand experience.

With time, they get along and Chorong learns a few more things about Bomi. Like Chorong, Bomi had a 3rd degree black belt but in taekwondo. She’s from suwon and is also a middle child - a younger brother and an older sister. Chorong has never had a boyfriend. It wasn’t because she was lacking any admirers. In fact, she had a good handful of boys fawning over her innocent self in high school. She just didn’t want to get together with someone she didn’t love. Sure, she didn’t have a definition of what love feels like, but she definitely didn’t feel anything for any of those boys that chased her. That didn’t mean she wasn’t straight, though… right?

Wrong. But she didn’t know that.

Bomi, however, has had her fair share of relationships in the past year - “flings” would be more appropriate, albeit she was only 17. None lasted more than two months and they were all mainly ual relationships - you know, the libido of a wild teen. She attended an all-girls high school, which was when she realised she liked girls a lot more than she did boys, and has dated a few “pretty ones” as Bomi called them. Chorong felt she didn’t really need to know any of that, but she learned that Bomi had a tendency to babble on and share too much information so Chorong kept mum and let herself get used to it. She told Chorong to keep it a secret though, because she didn’t even want to imagine the repercussions the company would give her if word about her uality got out. It was huge, yes, but she trusted Chorong, even that early in their friendship.

They got even closer within the next two years of training to debut in a group together, especially since Bomi was the closest to Chorong’s age. It wasn’t like Bomi was the most obedient person in the room, no, that would definitely be Naeun, but she did respect Chorong when the older girl stepped up as the leader of the group, even pre-debut. Bomi always showed that she could hear Chorong, even if the older girl didn’t actually say anything, and Chorong liked it. She liked how attentive Bomi was towards her. Attention - something she wished she had more of as a child.

Through the first 7 years of Apink, the friendship between Chorong and Bomi only grew stronger. The whole group got closer too but Chorong and Bomi were exceptionally close, like soulmates best friends. They’ve gone on several trips together without the other members and they always share a bed in the hotel. Bomi gets scared sleeping alone in hotels and Chorong doesn’t mind. They save money on an extra room and bed too, which is good, but they genuinely enjoy each other’s company. Anyways, she learns that Bomi likes being a big spoon and Chorong enjoyed being little spoon because it made her feel safe.

Bomi makes her feel safe.

All six of them had originally lived together, but because they owned too many things and the dorm was constantly a mess, they moved into a building where they lived in two separate apartments on two separate floors. Separated but not too far away. After 7 years of living with one another, the contracts to their houses came to an end and the group amicably decided that they should live separately from then on. It was a good reason to go back to their families and spend time living with their parents. For Eunji, she decided to get her own place like the independent woman she is. Chorong and Bomi, however, decided to get a place together.

“It saves us money and we get along well so why not, right?” Bomi had reasoned out with her curious fans during her livestream on the v app.

//

Some nights when Chorong feels lonely, she’ll just ask Bomi to sleep with her and they’ll go to either one of their rooms together when they feel like sleeping. When Bomi feels lonely, it’s usually really late in the night and Chorong is already asleep so she resorts to quietly sneaking into Chorong’s room and sliding under the blanket, slowly hugging the older girl from the back, being as careful as Bomi ever is to not startle a sleeping Chorong. Tonight just happens to be one of those nights.

“Bbom-ah”, it wasn’t a question and it didn’t hold much emotion. Almost like a plain statement, an acknowledgement that she was awoken and she knew Bomi was there hugging her. Regardless, it comes out as a soft husky voice and Bomi’s heart falters a little, but she doesn’t dwell on it.

“Sorry unnie, go back to sleep” she whispers as she nuzzles Chorong’s hair, breathing in the nice scent of her shampoo. Her eyes close peacefully and her hand falls lower around the older girl’s waist. A sleepy “mmm” is all Chorong manages to reply before Bomi smiles ever so slightly. They’re comfortable and used to this. They fall asleep like that but when Bomi wakes up, she’s alone in bed. She catches a whiff of freshly brewed coffee and pancakes though, so she has a pretty good idea of where the missing Chorong had gone.

Chorong was a homebody that liked her things neat and tidy. She enjoyed staying home, preparing meals and doing the laundry - very domestic people things. Bomi, on the contrary, is way too lazy to do all that and way too dependent on Chorong with her life. Her non-celebrity friends and say she’d probably die without Chorong taking care of her and their home, and she doesn’t deny it.

Bomi silently walks out of Chorong’s room and sees her in the kitchen frying pancakes. Bomi smiles and walks over to her, wrapping her arms around Chorong’s waist - a habit Bomi has developed for Chorong through the years. Chorong jumps a tiny bit from the sudden contact and she’s surprised Bomi is even awake without having to wake her.

“Good morning, I smelled something nice so I got out of bed”, Bomi kisses her cheek, and this doesn’t surprise Chorong as much. Chorong despises skinship or any form of physical affection from anyone. Through the years, however, Chorong has gotten used to Bomi’s physical displays of her affection for Chorong and the other members so she stopped trying to resist it, knowing Bomi is persistent. Easier to let it happen than to try stop it, is what she believed. The development furthers a little more when Chorong gets physically clingy with Bomi, hooking their arms or holding onto the younger girl’s arm when walking side by side. The development furthers a lot more when Bomi becomes the only member Chorong willingly kisses on the cheek. No one knows when or how these developments even happened, but they did, and Bomi often gets butterflies in her stomach or a swelling feeling in her chest when Chorong initiates anything that involves touching Bomi. But it isn’t anything significant, is what Bomi tells herself. It can’t be. She’s probably imagining things, right?

Wrong. But she didn’t know that.

Bomi has been getting this tight feeling in her chest often when she’s around Chorong since a few years ago. The first time she felt the rush was in Jeju back in 2016. The trip she had with Chorong - just the two of them. No friends, no members, no managers or staff. It had been Bomi’s idea - an impromptu trip to Jeju. Chorong, being a homebody, had felt hesitant about such a sudden trip, but she figured she’d do it for Bomi, if not herself. They shared a room and a bed, and there wasn’t anything strange or surprising about that. But on the last night of their stay, with her arm around Chorong and the lights turned off, she feels the older girl lazily turn her body under Bomi’s embrace till they’re facing each other.

“Thanks for bringing me out of the house, Bbom-ah, I had a good time”, Chorong‘s soft voice comes out as gentle as always, and Bomi can hear, if not feel how close their faces are. She freezes in place for a moment, her brain suddenly unable to process the little space between them, their bodies nearly against each other’s, her hand on Chorong’s waist and how their noses were almost touching. Time slows down and Bomi can barely see anything in the dark, but the moonlight falls on Chorong’s face, highlighting her facial features. The older girl has her eyes closed and god, Bomi thinks Chorong looks exceptionally serene and beautiful that night.

“Oh- oh yeah, no problem, thanks for agreeing to come with me”, she barely manages to voice out. She doesn’t even know if Chorong is still awake. What happens next is blurry and Bomi doesn’t even feel herself leaning forward and closing her eyes until she feels her lips on Chorong’s. She jerks away at the contact and for a second she’s terrified that she might have woken Chorong up, so she freezes for the second time tonight. Chorong hasn’t moved an inch and Bomi silently thanks her ancestors. Bomi falls back asleep and when they’re up the next morning, neither of them brings up what happened the night before, not that there was anything to bring up. Chorong isn’t even aware that Bomi kissed her. Chorong would’ve screamed the moment she felt Bomi’s lips and probably hapkido kicked her. It was just a peck, a really light and quick peck, but Bomi couldn’t stop thinking about it for the whole trip back home. She decided this would be a secret she’d keep to herself and hopefully forget over enough time.

//

It’s the first week of january 2018. The girls have been putting in heaps of time and effort into the concert preparation as they usually do. Apink’s fourth concert, “pink space”, is less than a week away and Chorong, as the leader, has been busier than ever. She sits in for a lot of the meetings with the concert planning staff team and managers without the other members and acts as the group’s spokesperson in case she finds anything the members wouldn’t want for their stages or whatnot. Between the long practices and meetings, Chorong hasn’t had much time to rest and it was starting to show.

“Unnie, are you okay?” Bomi walks over to Chorong, who’s sitting at the side of the practice room. They’re having a short water break right now and the other four girls and their dance instructor have left to go to the toilet together, leaving Bomi and Chorong alone.

“Hm? Yeah I’m fine”, Chorong looks up at Bomi and sees Bomi sitting down beside her.

“You don’t seem too well, maybe you should take a break and just go home early today”,

This has also been a development between the two of them. Over the years, Bomi has grown more vocal in terms of the care and concern she has for Chorong. She shows it a lot more now than before, through words and actions. The younger girl’s ways have grown onto Chorong and she reciprocates the same concern she receives. It hits her at that moment, and it’s a really random moment to have a sudden realisation but Chorong is surprised by an epiphany that maybe this is what love feels like. Someone constantly caring for you, looking out for you, and it’s not like Chorong has done anything bad, per se, but she believes that Bomi’s feelings for her are unconditional, unwavering, regardless of what Chorong does. Disregarding her family members, for perhaps the first time in her life, Chorong has an idea of what love is.

“It’s fine, Bbom-ah, practice ends in like 2 hours anyways”.

Bomi just watches Chorong as she speaks. Then as their eyes meet, Bomi brings her hand up and brushes a few strands of hair off Chorong’s face then tucks them behind her ear. It’s a simple gesture of care and attention and Chorong smiles at it. If she wasn’t already blushing from dancing for hours, it would’ve shown on her face. Bomi doesn’t have to know, though.

The others start coming back into the room.

“Alright kids, let’s get started”, the instructor announces and the girls get moving again.

//

The concert was amazing, everything went smoothly, and the girls had a blast. The audience was loud and proud and it encouraged the members while they were on stage giving the performance all they had in them.

When Chorong and Bomi reach home, they’re exhausted and overwhelmed, feeling full of joy yet empty inside. A concert is like reading a book - you enjoy the read but most times after you’ve read the last page of it, you feel complete yet not. You need some time to process that you’re done with the story.

They’re both done with their showers when Chorong says, “I feel like having a drink. Have some with me?”

Bomi is a horrible drinker, really, but she never says no to Chorong some alcohol. She’s still trying to increase her tolerance so she can drink more with her friends when she’s out with them without having to worry that she’d pass out or do something terrible to ruin her idol image in public.

Chorong gets two glasses and brings out a bottle of soju and two cans of beer from the fridge. There’s no schedule for the next few days so she decides it’s fine to be a bit generous tonight. She sets them down on the low table they have in the living room with the television playing. In the living room. Which is why Bomi is a little confused when she realises that they’ve somehow moved to Bomi’s bed. Almost naturally, Chorong is in her embrace, and a movie is playing on Bomi’s wall in front of them with the mini projector she has set up above her bed frame. Chorong’s head is on Bomi’s arm and Bomi is lying partially on her side, with her other arm holding Chorong. There’s almost no space between their bodies, even with all the space they have on a big queen-sized bed, but it feels comfortable. It’s such an odd position because Bomi has to tilt her head to watch the movie but she doesn’t complain. For a second, Bomi wonders if she’s dreaming. She turns to face Chorong.

“Sleep here with me tonight?” Bomi asks and makes a mental note that she isn’t dreaming because that felt very real,

“Hm?” Chorong hums as she turns her head to the side to face Bomi, the tips of their noses brushing against one another ever so slightly. 

Their faces are so close and Bomi is staring into big round eyes that she feels her heart might combust into flames with how fast her body seems to be heating up. Ironically, she freezes instead. Her brain suddenly malfunctioning at the little space between their faces, her arm still draped around Chorong’s waist. Time and the air around them still and Bomi can’t see anything but Chorong. She’s so entranced by Chorong’s eyes that she misses the faint blush growing on the leader’s cheeks. Bomi looks into those heavy-lidded eyes, heavy from the alcohol, she presumes, and god, Bomi thinks Chorong looks captivating. This feels awfully familiar. It’s been two years. Maybe she hasn’t forgotten.

“Sleep here with me tonight?” Bomi swallows and repeats her question after getting somewhat a hold of herself. Her voice suddenly smaller than usual and the hand she has on Chorong’s waist now very conscious of what it’s holding. Neither of them has pulled their heads back.

“Yeah okay...” Chorong practically whispers. Her eyes fall to Bomi’s lips for a second and she feels Bomi leaning forward. Bomi’s eyes are closing and Chorong has half the mind to push Bomi away, to shout and ask if Bomi is crazy, but she doesn’t. The moment Chorong closes her eyes, she feels Bomi’s soft lips on hers. Bomi doesn’t know if it’s the alcohol that’s possessing her to do this and she’s genuinely shocked herself, but she can’t seem to stop and pull away. Or she does pull away, only to kiss Chorong again. Her lips part a little this time and takes in Chorong’s bottom lip, earning a small moan from Chorong, so small that if Bomi’s senses weren’t heightened at that moment, she would’ve missed it.

Bomi retracts the arm beneath Chorong’s head and with the hand previously on her waist, she pushes Chorong onto her back and moves on top of her without breaking their kiss. The kisses are heating up and they’re full-on making out on Bomi’s bed right now. Everything is happening so fast and Bomi puts her knee higher up between the older girl’s legs. All Bomi can think about is Chorong . Chorong’s hands are pinned onto the bed and Bomi starts kissing down her neck.

“Don’t.. leave.. marks, Bbom-ah” Chorong manages to say between erratic breaths. Bomi can’t believe this is happening. She feels like she’s been longing for Chorong for years and the desire and need is overflowing now in this moment because of how long she’s been dismissing it. For a quick second she thinks if this is wrong because Chorong might be acting irrationally from the alcohol, but Chorong’s tolerance definitely exceeds Bomi’s so maybe, just maybe, perhaps she wants this too.

Chorong’s shirt and pants are on the floor and it’s her first time so she’s a little scared. If she’s being honest with herself, she’s terrified, so when Bomi hovers above her with her hand tugging the waistband of Chorong’s underwear and she asks,

“Are you sure about this?”, Chorong thinks hard, like really hard, and finally decides that if she had to trust anyone with her body enough to have with her, as strange and not platonic as it sounds, it would be Bomi.

“Yes”, Chorong pulls Bomi back down and kisses her so passionately, Bomi feels her heart swell.

Chorong comes beautifully that night with Bomi’s lips on her neck and fingers in her womanhood. They’re sweating and Chorong is panting as Bomi helps her ride off her high. Bomi pulls her face away and watches the woman beneath her. Chorong’s eyebrows are furrowed slightly, her lips are parted, and she has some strands of hair stuck to the sides of her face and Bomi can’t help but be enthralled by the ethereal sight right in front of her.

They fall asleep with Chorong using Bomi as a human bolster. Bomi lays spread out on her bed and Chorong is lying on her side, hugging Bomi’s waist and has one of Bomi’s legs sandwiched between hers. Bomi has her arm under Chorong’s head again and Chorong doesn’t know how to describe the feeling she has in her chest but if she had to use a word, it would be “complete”. Chorong felt complete.

But like all good things come to an end, Chorong’s feeling of completeness gets shattered perhaps way too quickly when Bomi says,

“Not everyone is okay with being friends with benefits, but I’m glad you are. Goodnight, unnie”

Chorong doesn’t respond. She doesn’t know how to. What was she expecting? For Bomi to just proclaim her love for Chorong? She should’ve known better. This is Bomi she’s talking about. The player that used to have flings with pretty girls in high school.

Bomi wakes up around noon the next day and it’s already noon so, obviously, Chorong isn’t in her bed anymore. She walks out the room and sees Chorong drying a cup in the kitchen. Like a moth to a flame, Bomi walks towards Chorong and wraps her arms around her waist from the back. Bomi is still only half awake when she feels hands gently pushing her arms down and away from the small body she was just embracing. Chorong turns around so she’s facing the younger girl and Bomi looks down at her wrists being held by Chorong’s soft hands and it’s when she hears what Chorong says next that makes Bomi look up at her, fully awake.

“Bomi, we need to talk.”

And Bomi gets scared for reasons she doesn’t know.

Chorong had woken up earlier that morning and quietly untangled herself from Bomi to get out of bed. She woke up overwhelmed with all kinds of emotions from the night before and she needed time and space to think. Chorong heads to the kitchen and brews some coffee then pours a cup for herself, habitually leaving the rest in the coffee pot for Bomi. She sits on the highchair of the kitchen island, bringing her elbows onto the white marble before dropping her head into her hands. She lets out a distressed sigh. She shouldn’t have said yes, but she did, and now it’s a problem. Or is it really? Chorong believes that Bomi hasn’t or can’t quite grasp how serious of an issue this is, so she’s alone at 11 in the morning, stressing over how to fix their situation herself. As the group’s leader, Chorong has been in countless situations where she has had to step up to solve a problem, but this was definitely a unique situation. It takes her about an hour to thoroughly rack her brain and finish her coffee.

They sit on their couch in the living room and Bomi is the first to speak up,

“So, what did you want to talk about?”

“I just think… what happened last night was a mistake. We were both intoxicated and I obviously wasn’t thinking clearly. It was a moment of vulnerability and we were already overwhelmed from the concert. Look, Bomi, from what I remember, it was great and I’m glad my first time was with someone I could trust. But I had this morning to think about it and ultimately, I shouldn’t have said yes.”

Bomi just watches Chorong as she doesn’t know what to say, or if she was even supposed to say anything anyways, so she just blankly looks at Chorong, taking in her words.

“As a leader, I should’ve prioritised the group and stopped you. In fact, I should’ve had this talk with you two years ago, then last night probably wouldn’t have happened.”

Bomi furrows her eyebrows and tilts her head at this, trying to understand what Chorong is talking about, and when she doesn’t say anything, Chorong continues,

“In Jeju, when you kissed me.”

Her eyes widen as it dawns upon her that Chorong was awake that night. Her heart almost stops beating entirely and she’s speechless, she doesn’t know what to say now that she knows that Chorong has known all this time that Bomi kissed her. Her brain is trying to make it make sense, but it can’t. She can’t process this long overdue piece of information that she’s kind of wishing she never knew.

“Oh”, is all Bomi says after what feels like a whole minute of silence between them.

Chorong looks apologetic, like she feels bad for telling Bomi all this, but she had to. In the hour she had that morning to think, she decided that she had to put the group before herself. Letting whatever she had with Bomi continue would’ve been irresponsible and selfish. She had to stop to it before it progressed any further. Not only would it change the group’s dynamics, but their group that has been working so hard all these years would be hated on if word ever got out about their relationship, especially in the country they were in. Chorong couldn’t do that to her members, she couldn’t let them down like that. How pitiful that they have to go through a breakup without even being together.

Sometimes we hurt the ones we love. And no matter the reason, if we love them like we say we do, the pain is never one-sided. By now, Chorong is sure she loves Bomi. It makes sense to her, it’s why she feels her heart breaking, but she’s doing this for what she believes is the greater good. She’s doing this to protect herself. If anything bad were to happen between her and Bomi, it would ruin the group. The group that Chorong has been guiding and leading and has grown together with all these years. Undoubtedly, this “breakup” would be hard for each of them, and they might take some time to truly understand and heal from it, but even though Chorong believes in taking risks, she couldn’t risk Apink for anything.

“The truth is… I can’t do this, we can’t be friends with beneifts because I’m in love with you, Bomi.”

Bomi starts waving her hands in front of Chorong’s face as she looks at the older girl with worried eyes.

“Hello?? Rongie unnie are you okay? You haven’t answered me – what did you want to talk about?”

Chorong blinks a few times, taking in a deep breath as she regains her focus on Bomi. She had imagined the whole conversation and how it would go, which means Bomi still believes Chorong was asleep when she kissed her in Jeju, Bomi still thinks it’s okay to be friends with benefits, Bomi doesn’t know that Chorong is in love with her. From Chorong’s imagination, the ‘talk’ didn’t look too pleasant and Chorong suddenly has the urge to avoid such difficult confrontation, which is why she says,

“I really want to get plants and raise them in our house. Is that okay?”

“WhAt?” Bomi’s question comes out a little