Here I am. Laying in my bed, staring at the ceiling, spreading my arms across my bed after throwing my blanket on the floor. This is a typical scenario of me trying hard to fall asleep.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I guess I disrupted my sleeping patterns due to our busy schedule. All the members are fast asleep after a very tiring long day. It's supposed to be that way for me as well but I couldn't understand why I couldn't sleep even after using up all the energy I have inside of me. I suppose this is the flaw of being a hyper-active energy ball.

I sighed as I tried harder to fall asleep. I forced my eyes to close but still no signs of drowsiness ahead of me. I also tried different comfortable sleeping positions but nothing works on me. It was time to get up and drink milk or some warm water I guess. So, I hopped out of my bed and went straight to our kitchen. Opened the fridge, I found no milk so I just decided to go drink a glass of water. I decided to go back to my bedroom since no method is working.

I sighed once again. My mind went blank. Afterwards, in just a heartbeat, my mind and heart simultaneously long for a certain person's scent and presence. A certain milk-skinned, short, cute, and enthusiastic girl. The only tofu I love the most. Dahyun.

I miss her although we see each other everyday. I miss her baby powder scent. I miss caressing her soft hair and skin. I miss hugging her. I know I do these everyday but I want to do it more. It's weird but throughout the years, my feelings for her never changed. If ever it wil change, the only way these feelings would go is to blossom even more. I would say I love her more every passing day, minute and second.

I wondered if I should go to her room and hug her tightly. But, knowing how tired she is after all the promotions, filmings and dance practices we have to do, I am sure she doesn't want to be bothered. I end up deciding not to and just reminisce our memories of how our relationship started and blossomed.

It started when I wanted to leave JYP as a trainee after all the failed debut plans from the company. I didn't want to waste more of my life being stuck in just being a trainee. Being a trainee has mentally, emotionally and physically drained me. Also, being away from my family burdens me more. This time I had enough. I decided to go to an office to consult an employee about my plans on quitting. However, as the door from that office opened, a freakishly pale girl appeared. My heart droped as I stare in awe because I couldn't believe that a girl like her could really bless this world. She smiled at me and the color of my world was suddenly painted with all the bright colors. I was left ajar that I never noticed that an employee was already trying to get my attention.

"Sana?'' the employee said as she snapped her fingers and waved in front of my face.
"O-Oh. Yeah." I was back to reality
"I heard you wanted to quit. Listen. We're sorry t--" I immediately cut what she was trying to say and bowed to her as a say
"I will work harder!" All the motivational spirit was flowing through my veins. The light that shined through me gave me hope. It was the happiest moment in my life. I've met a wonderful girl.

So, yeah. I've spent the rest of the days working my out to improve and debut while having a crush on a pale girl; probably younger than me, that doesn't even know me. I rarely see her because maybe we have different schedules in trainings and classes in the company but this had me excited and smiling brightly everyday.

Years later, came a survival show for the next girl group of JYP. She was there to be a contestant as well as me. I tried to act competitive and focus on winning a place as a member of the new girl group but everytime I go back to my dorm I wheeze and blush as I remember how many times our eyes met and pray that both of us would win this competition.
There was a time where we were joined in the same group. I had to scold her but she was so pouty and I felt so guilty but I had to be professional and have my goals clear. I thought she despised me but she never did. It's funny how Dahyun and I would tease each other about that day until now. >.<

After that, we debuted as TWICE with my best buds Momo and Mina. I was sooo happy. We were super busy right after completing the competition but all was worth it. I was never tired because I am finally where I want to be. Besides, I am always with her and we were growing closer that time. I guess I'm still a little awkward because of the hidden feelings that I have for her that time.

Hidding the feelings was a BIG challenge. I was raised to be an affectionate child so it was hard acting the opposite. I would oftentimes remind myself to self-control. I tried but I guess it still showed. I was still super clingy with her.

Of course it was not all happy moments. I remember the time when a guy named Eunwoo tried to flirt with her. I guess they were a fling already. They had a project together and they kept texting each other. The guy was handsome and kind. I WAS JEALOUS and hurt :(( However, I couldn't do anything. After all I was just her friend and friends like me have no right to be hurt or jealous. Pretending not to like her was a challenge but pretending not to be hurt was even more challenging. Oftentimes I would cry at night while everybody's asleep, with thoughts knowing that Dahyun's still awake and probably talking to her future boyfriend. It HURTS LIKE HELL. Sometimes Mina would hear me sobbing and ask me what's wrong but I ought to be silent or sometimes say that I am just homesick. Luckily, she would believe that excuse and comfort me. I would wake up with a bloated face and puffed eyes. I remember Dahyun laughing whilst being worried for what happened to me without her knowing how much pain she caused me overnight and everyday. It hurts more when she tried to hug me to comfort me. However, it was harder facing fans and pretending to be jolly while my heart aches inside. At least I could still do skinships. But, as I thought of the fact that these "skinships" are not genuine for her, I realize how one-sided my feelings are.

I sighed. Reminiscing the tough times I had makes me feel sad and happy the same time. However, the feeling of longing for Dahyun defeats all the other emotions.

I continued reminiscing...

I remember the point when I tried to stop my feelings for her because I couldn't handle the pain anymore. I would be super clingy in front of fans but as soon as we went back to our dorm, I would notice myself unconciously distancing myself from her. I thought I would forget about my feelings for her but as the members bring in the topic of "Dahyun and Eunwoo", I would feel a sting in my heart and my hand clenching. I would often excuse myself to go to my room and then go cry a river.

This was a habit until one day, Nayeon, Jeongyeon and Momo decided to throw a drinking party. The three unnie's goal was to get all of us wasted for some reason telling us it's fun. Majority agreed and the drinks were already bought so we had no choice but to drink. I have high alcohol tolerance so I had no problem. On the other hand, Dahyun only had about three shots yet she's already wasted. She was so cute blushing and being so talkative. She's so hyperactive and dances weirdly when drunk. I smiled at her silly antics. Later on, she fell asleep. So, before the other members pull out a prank on her, I picked her up and carried her to her bedroom. Fortunately, the members were distracted so I was able to let her rest successfully.

I remembered how our conversation went.

As soon as she layed on her bed she muttered.

"Unnie.. aREe yoUu mad?" she was awake and she pouted as I smile

"No"

She smiled widely while her eyes are closed again. "I'm gLaAd"

I was about to leave when she grabbed my hands.

"DOn't LeAVe me. StAy." A favor from Kim Dahyun is something I couldn't resist. I stayed, by her side, sitting quietly at the edge of her bed.

"Unnie. Eunwoo is nice"

My heart ached as I tried to stop the tears from escaping away.

"Yeah." Was all the reply I could mutter.

I can see her smiling foolishly while thinking about the guy but not me. I selfishly thought of that at the time.

"I like him."

Ouch.

I never noticed I was crying.

"He ships us Haha" Dahyun laughed. I thought it was a weird reason to like him. So I looked at her.

"I like--." Dahyun looked at me.

"Unnie, why are you crying?" She got up and sat beside me and faced me.

"N-Nothing" I wiped my tears immediately. Dahyun still haven't sobbered up so I guess she would not remember this moment.

With her sloppy arms, she hugged me. I can smell the alcohol.

"Unnie. You know it pains me when you cry. It's like I want to cry when you cry. It hurts me when you're avoiding me. It hurts me that I can't go a step closer with my feelings for you because I am so afraid of the things that could be lost. I just like you so much that it hurts. Aaarrgh" So drunk. Dahyun was so drunk. I remember that this were the exact words she said that time.

It was stupid but I removed her arms that were wrapped around me.

"No. Dahyun. I like you more," I said that hoping she would forget it the next day.

She stared at me and kissed me. Gently and passionately. I can taste the alcohol in but I never mind that. However, I don;t want to take advantage of her drunk state so I pushed her and ranaway. I guess she fell asleep immediately after that.

I remember myself being confused for everything that happened that night. Asking myself questions like 'does she like me the way I like her?' 'Did she mean that kiss? or was she just drunk and mistook me for another person?' I barely slept.

The next day, all of us expereinced massive headaches due to hangover, except for me, my headache that time was caused by my lack of sleep. I was so sure Dahyun didn't remember anything and she's still in her room so I decided to go get her hangover medicineto her room and check how she's doing.

I entered her room and found her in deep sleep. I smiled. She was so adorable. I wasn't mad at all about the kiss but I do not to be so happy about it since I don't want to look like I took advantage of that situation. I enter her room slowly and covered her up with the blanket to warm her up a bit. After that, I put the hangover medicine on the side table and tip-toed my way out.

"U-unnie.." Dahyun muttered in her sleep.

"S-sana" She said which made me look at her.

I was shocked since she was awake.

"Y-yes? You need something? Do you have a headache? Hangover?'' I thought she didn't remember a thing.

"You kissed me back last night," I didn't know if she was teasing me or just tryin' to open up something. But, I was with her sudden confidence.

"I...don---.. You were--" I sighed. I don't know why suddenly I can't let any words out of my mouth. I fixed my composture and tried to explain myself.

"You were drunk. I'm sorry. Please don't think wrong of me," I tried to tell her to save our friendship.

"I may be drunk but I was fully aware of what happened. Do you like me?" She sits up on her bed and looked at me eagerly waiting for an answer while my brain and heart were all in chaos and didn't know to say or do.

"Be--because I do," Tears are starting to form in her eyes as her voice starts to shake. I knew she gathered up all the courage to say that and that made me build up my courage too. I have to fight for this too.

"I-I'm sorry," She said and bowed her head to let her tears fall without me seeing it.

I immediately ran towards her and hugged her.

"I do too, Dahyun. I like you too,''

Her eyes brightened and she hugged me as well.

My reminiscing was interrupted by a knock on my door. The door opened. I immediately smiled.

"Oh did I wake you up?" this adorable girl in pajamas in front of me said.

"Yes, you did Dahyunah. Because of that you have to give me a kiss," I and pouted.

She smiled at me.

"Stop teasing me. We could do more than that you know," She teased me as well and looked at me deeply while she raise her eyebrows. I just went speechless and felt my cheeks heating up because of that daring statement she left.

"I guess my honey's having trouble sleeping?" She asked and continued walking in my room, picked up my blanket on the floor and sat on my bed as she stare at me.

I just nod as a reply.

"Here, I went out to buy milk because I couldn't go back to sleep. I guess you were thinking of me a lot that's why I couldn't go back to sleep," she squint her eyes and pinched my nose.

"I wasn't," I hid under the blanket she just picked up.

"Just kidding. I went to bed early that's why I couldn't go back to sleep again. I missed you so I went to check you here," She caressed my hair as she stare at me.

I grabbed the milk and drank it then put it on the table beside my bed.

"Actualy you're right. I was thinking of you. I was actually reminiscing how we got together," I admitted.

"Really? Which part are you already?" She squint her eyes again as she smile and blushed a little while she drink the milk she bought.

"The part when you were drunk and kissed me after you confess,"

She almost spit and spill her drink. I scoffed at her. Althogh I know that I was done on that part of our story, I still told her since she's really embarassed when I mention that moment to her so I continued teasing her.

" I remember you saying "I just like you so much it hurts arrgh" HAHAHA" I laughed as I imitated her.

She put her milk on the table as well and hid under my blankets lying down.

"Stooop" She said while shaking her head.

I also went under the blanket and stared at her shy face.

"Tell me you love me," I demand from her.

Even with the dim light that the lamp provides us, I saw her face blushing. I can also hear our loud syncronized heart beats. Each moment with her is magical.

She blinks one more time, this time slowly, and held my face then caressed my hair.

"I love you. I just love you so much that it hurts, Sana." Dahyun said these meaningful words to me like she's reenacting the past and I almost feel like crying because of happiness. The happiness that she gave me.

"No. Dahyun. I love you more" I reenact the confession we did years ago. Everything's still the same, only the feelings grew stronger.

She smiled then scrunched her nose and wrapped me around her arms as she kissed my forehead and let me lean on her chest as she lay her chin on top of my head. From here, I could hear her heart beat. It''s on the same pace as mine. We're on the same pace.

Her scent, her presence, her heartbeat. The one I always long for is here by my side. I am at peace.

I am thankful that everything happened. The kiss, the confession, all the complications in the past. If those didn't happen, we would've not been together laying like this right now. Even our past, present, and future fights and disagreements, I'll always be grateful. I'll be grateful that I have Kim Dahyun by my side.

The motivation, an innocent crush, a painful unrequited love to now, the joy of my life. It was all the same person. It was Kim Dahyun and she's mine, always.

Just like that, I peacefully fell asleep in the arms of my dubu.