i feel pathetic
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you ever just feel like, being suddenly so scared to lose someone? not necessarily in a romantic way, of course, but you're just really glad to see that someone you've been talking to for weeks is active and talking to you, even though it was just a simple interaction? i don't know what the hell is up with me lately. maybe i'm just sick of being ghosted and this is my breaking point and it that i start feeling so attached and so ing insecure. i'm always scared that one day they would ghost on me and i'd be left alone.
i'm not the type of person to get all clingy and attached. i'm very patient most of the time and i understand that ooc issues are tough. but i don't know what the is going on and now i'm feeling all sobby and insecure. could it be because of a betrayal of seeing a certain someone apply on another rp or post another 1x1 ad, even though they said that they're gonna be busy for a while, or could it be that i really just look forward to talking to you again whenever you're on, but you're not there anymore, or maybe it's just this quarantine season just messing up with me, i have no idea. now everyday when i wake up, hoping that anyone would show up and still be there. and it means a lot to me. even if sometimes i feel like i'm just an escape route. i don't mind that, really. i'm just too lonely and desperate to care. pathetic right?
i seek comfort on anything that i could hang on to, even though it's just the bare minimum, with the fear of knowing that it might not last forever. i don't care if you're cheating on me or prefer someone else over me. nothing is supposed to have some strings attached. i don't care if your feelings are genuine or if i'm just a plaything. all i ever wanted was to be cared for, even for a short while, even though i'm hurting myself even more.
i don't know if i'm okay or not. sometimes i just feel numb and the thoughts don't matter, but the heavy feeling deep down my heart would always come back and it's so frustrating. it's frustrating to be this pathetic and desperate when i know that this is such a small matter and i shouldn't be a baby about this.
with everything going on in the world and the times are changing, if we ever crossed path before (starlite rp, brb rp, imperium rp, and currently thunder rp and several 1x1 plots) and you stumble upon this, please know that i treasure you a lot and you mean the world to me, even though i may not show it really well. and yes, even if we interacted for a short amount of time, please know that i'm grateful to ever meet any of you.
and if we never met or interacted before, please think twice about pushing someone away. someone out there might genuinely look forward to spend their time with you.
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