Time is a relative concept. We think we have all the time in the world, but it is not true. When we started BIGBANG we thought we would have last forever. No one and nothing could have stopped us or broken our bond. We were so young and naïve. We worked so hard to achieve so much that when it happened, when finally, something so big we could not fight came, we were not ready.

In 10 years, they tried everything to destroy us. We made mistakes, some bigger than others. We suffered, we celebrated. It was us against the world. It has always been us, five, against everything. But when the storm came, we could not stand as five anymore.

I remember so very clearly that day. When the news came out, when the Burning Sun Gate started, we were not together. Jiyong, Daesung, Seunghyun-hyung and I were all serving in the military. We already went through a lot after Seunghyun-hyung’s accident and trial. We thought it was over. We have never been so wrong.

That day, at some point in the afternoon, my superior called me in the central office to tell me that on top of the Burning Sun scandal some journalist had discovered something more. Something that would have destroyed everything. The article he showed me reported that my friend, my brother, my band mate, was part of a chatroom on Kakaot talk. A chatroom led by that Jung Joon-hyung. I have never trusted him, and I told Seungri so many times. We all told him. He fought so hard with Ji-yong for this in more than one occasion.

I remember that after I finished reading the article I wondered if Ji-yong already knew. If he was called by his superior too or if someone else told him. I wondered if Daesung knew too, and Seunghyun. I wondered where Seungri was, what he was thinking, what he thought when he entered that chatroom. I was scared, and angry, and sad, and furious. I asked for a leave, they did not let me.  They talked with YG and decided it was better if we kept a low profile for a while.

What I know about what happened some days later between Ji-yong and Ri, I only know because Ji-yong told me on one night after we were both discharged. After Seungri left BIGBANG and the entertainment industry. After five became four, at least on posters, websites, videos, goods. He was at mine’s and Hyo-rin left us alone, leaving the house with a worried but knowing look. It was not easy for her, picking up my pieces. Being strong for the both of us. For a moment I wanted to punch Seungri for hurting her, too.

Ji-yong relly did, punch him, I mean. It was always too much with the two of them. Always so explosive. That night, sitting on my sofa, he drunkenly told me that he too asked for a leave, and that they let him. Maybe someone thought Seungri could have used a shouting match with his leader. He told me that they met at Seungri’s house. He howled up in there after he announced his retirement. Only coming out for trials and hearings. The house was spotless, as if someone had cleaned it for hours and hours, compulsively. He told me Seungri opened the door, he was alone. He punched him right there on the door and Seungri did nothing. He did not react. He just stood there for a moment and then let him in. He asked Ji-yong if he wanted some water and Ji-yong snapped.

‘I told him so many mean things’ he murmured to me while swallowing an entire glass of whiskey at once ‘and he just took it. Did not say anything, did not react, did not scream back. He did nothing’

And so Ji-Yong kept screaming and crying and accusing. He asked whys, and ‘how could you’ and ‘I told you to stay away’. He yelled that he ruined everything, that this was something they could not save him from. He told him of being afraid and scared for him. He told him he did not want him to leave and then yelled him to rot in jail. However, Seungri kept standing there, not saying anything. Eyes void of everything. And that, Ji-Yong told me, that was what scared him the most. That was what shut him up. He told me he tried to shake Seungri, tried to make him react. He told me he squeezed Seungri’s arm so tight he probably bruised him. He told me that he kissed Seungri pleading him, begging him to say something. And that finally, Seungri reacted. He told me that he breathed hard, shook, and then started crying. That he crumbled on the floor, hands covering his face in shame and cried, saying he was sorry and deserved nothing, not our anger nor our forgiveness. He wheezed out that he had broken our fans’ trust and, most importantly, our bond. He told Ji-Yong ‘i can’t go on like this’ and ‘I love you’ and ‘no more’, and ‘please forgive me’. And Ji-Yong stood there, frozen, looking at him from above. He told me it went on for a while, until Seungri had not tears left to cry and his voice was now cracked. He told me he forced himself to stand up and look at Ji-Yong, and that when their eyes met Ji-Yong felt terrified. He told me that Seungri asked him to leave, and never look back. He told me that Seungri told him it was over and that it was his fault and that ‘please, hyung, don’t blame yourself, don’t try to fix this’.

Ji-Yong told me that leaving that house was the most difficult thing he has ever done in his life. He told me that when he looked back at Seungri, before closing the door, our maknae was smiling and crying again. That he whispered “BIGBANG is my everything’ and then ‘You are my everything, always’. And Ji-Yong left.

He told me, before collapsing on my sofa, that he promised Seungri to never forget, to always remember what they had before this. That despite everything, he was still his maknae, he was still his. He told me that it was over but not really. He told me that one day, maybe, they will still be together, all five of them, the two of them.