I squinted as I opened my eyes, the light coming in from the window blinding me. I rolled over, turning away from the window, coming face to face with Mark. I yawned once, rubbing my eyes. I observed Mark in his blissful sleep, the look of pure peace on his face something I could not help but smile at. Last night was just amazing. Just the high of it all and the feel of cuddling with Mark after. Both so different from each other, yet combined to formed one of the most incredible experiences of my life so far. 

I brought my hand up, pushing away a strand of hair that fell onto his face. My finger lightly grazed against his forehead, making Mark shift slightly in his sleep, but otherwise kept his eyes shut. "G'Morning." He mumbled, just barely decipherable. 

"Good morning. I didn't mean to wake you." I apologized. 

"I need to get ready for the wedding." Mark slurred. Again his mumbled speech was almost totally garbled that I was just barely able to make out his words. However, making out what he said was one thing, but he wasn't even making sense. What wedding was he talking or dreaming about?

"Mark what are you..." I was cut-off halfway when Mark continued, seemingly oblivious to my words. 

"Yeah I'll meet you there." He mumbled, not moving a single muscle. It then hit me, the slurred sentences and weird contexts. Mark was sleep talking. I chuckled as he made some weird hums. This was something I didn't know and I just added that to the list of things that made Mark so adorable and cute. "I love you Jinyoungie."

At those words uttered by Mark, all sense of humor left me. Those words were as clear as day that there was no way that I could have misheard them. Mark just said he loved me. Yeah, sure it was in a dream but weren't dreams part of your subconscious?

I have made it no secret, especially to Wonpil about my disdain for couples who use the word 'love' so lightly. It was a firm belief of mine that love was more than any teen crush, more than some cute relationship you shared with your partner. Love is so much more than that. Love is not about needing anything other than each other, how when you're apart you don't feel complete. Love is about giving a part of yourself to someone and taking in a part of them in return. 

I thought about all this. Did I love Mark? The answer is a simple and resounding yes. More than I have ever felt about anyone. It scared me to know that I could so confidently say it; that it needed no second thought. 

What did this mean though? Could I afford loving Mark? I thought about all the people in this world that I could honestly say I loved. My mom, Wonpil and my dad, before he went all cold shoulder on me. Out of all these people, there was one thing in common with them all and that similarity terrified me. 

All of them left me. My mom died. My best friend moved away. My dad pretended I didn't exist. Everyone I ever loved always somehow left me. 

I looked to Mark wondering if he would fall into the same mold. My worst fear would be that he would die on me, gone from the world like my mother. I don't think I would be able to bounce back from it like I did the last time. Imagining a world where Mark was no longer a part of filled me with insane amounts of dread. I wouldn't be able to take it if that happened; I wouldn't be able to live with myself. And the worst part was, I know the feeling would only build the longer I stayed with him.

Fear overrode every other emotion. I wouldn't, couldn't let that happen. I got out of bed, grabbing my stuff and putting on my clothes. I looked back at Mark, still sound asleep in his bed. I hated leaving when Mark was still asleep, waking up to find that I wasn't there. But I knew I had to do this. I shook my head, exiting his room and making my way home. 

I kept telling myself it was for the best, thinking about all the ways that splitting up with Mark was going to benefit me. I knew otherwise though. I was happy with Mark and being away from him would be more difficult than staying, but I was scared. Scared that I'd have to say goodbye to him eventually.

I got into my room, crashing down onto my bed. The same question raced through my mind, over and over like a broken record. Could I break up with Mark before I got too emotionally attached? Before I lost him?

I was torn, conflicted between happiness and fear. 

Then there was my father, the only family I had left. I didn't want to leave my relationship with him broken as it was. I wanted to mend it but the only way to do that was to give up being gay. Pretend to be someone I'm not. Straight. The two sides of me fought within my head, thinking about the reasons to justify my action, whether to break up or not. 

My heart told me to it all and stay with Mark. It was telling me not to be pessimistic about our future. Everyone had to go at some point in their lives and if Mark does, I have to take it as another stepping stone in life. My brain however couldn't fathom carrying on if Mark wasn't alive, after I've given him a part of me, which I knew would happen if I stayed. I laid in bed for close to an hour, waging an internal war with my emotions before a text stirred me from my thoughts. 

'Hey where did you go? Woke up and you were gone.' 
Mark's text read. 

I started to type a reply.
'Mark, I think it's best if we took a break from each other.'

I looked back at the message I wrote, hovering my finger over the send button. Unsure if I had it in me to push send. I sighed, moving my finger to the backspace and deleting the message I wrote.
'Yeah I needed to go back home. I'll see you later today? Maybe we could go grab some lunch.'

I read over the new text, still unsure of how I was going to continue with this and once again, I deleted the message. 

"Sorry. I needed to go somewhere."
I finally replied, sending the neutral response. 

"Oh sure. So you wanna grab some lunch later?"
Mark replied. 

"No, I'm sorry. I can't make it tomorrow either. I'll see you on Monday?"
I replied, giving myself ample time and space away from Mark to sort out my feelings. 

"Oh. Okay then. See ya then, I'll miss you." 
Mark's final reply said.

I could tell by his text that he was disappointed. I wanted to reply with an 'I'll miss you too' but decided against it. If I were to break up with Mark, I shouldn't be raising his hopes any higher. 

I dropped my phone onto my bed, covering my eyes with my hand. How was I going to do this? I lay in bed the entire day, forgoing lunch. I had too much on my mind to be hungry. I took a shower instead to try and drown out my thoughts. At one point, the warm cascade of water felt good on my skin but did nothing for my aching heart. Except making me realize how ed up having emotions were. 

By the time evening came around, I was no closer to a decision. A knock on my door reverberated through my silent room, making me realize how quiet the day had been for me. "Jinyoung, there's Chinese takeout in the kitchen." My dad said. I am surprised with that, not him buying food for me but telling me that there was some in the kitchen. Usually whenever he bought me anything, I would stumble into the kitchen and realize it for myself. Never would he have told me personally, anything to prevent him from speaking a word to me. 

I didn't need to reply, hearing his footsteps trudge down the stairs. I felt my stomach growl, the hunger finally catching up with the lack of food. I pulled myself out of bed and slowly made my way downstairs. 

As usual my dad sat at the living room, watching TV as he ate his dinner. I walked to the kitchen, grabbing a box of take out. I contemplated sitting alone in the kitchen. But remembering my dad's unusual behavior of inviting me got me more brazen. I grabbed a pair of chopsticks and my food, carrying them to the living room. I looked over at my dad seated in his recliner, holding a Chinese takeout box in one hand, the other guiding noodles into his mouth with his chopsticks. I lowered myself down onto the couch next to him, without so much as saying a word. 

At first he seemed surprised that I was joining him. Believe me so was I. But eventually we settled into a comfortable silence, watching television. Just sitting there, even with no talking at all, felt like I was in a family again, something I haven't felt in so long. 

When I was done with my food, I laid the empty box on the table. "The food was good. Thanks dad." I muttered. 

"So, have you thought about it?" He asked. I knew he was asking about his proposition about me being straight. Yesterday I would have straight up said no, but today was different. I had a taste of what being a family again would be like. I had thoughts about ending it with Mark. My mindset changed in the course of a few hours.

"Still thinking." I said, getting up and clearing our trash before heading straight to my room. 

I picked up my phone, searching for Wonpil's number in my contacts, hitting the dial button. It rang a couple of times before he answered. "Hello. Nyoung?"

"Hey Wonpil." I replied, sighing. Suddenly talking with Wonpil is really making me miss his presence.

"What up?" Wonpil asked. 

"Nothing." I lied.

"Doesn't sound like nothing lover boy. What? Boy troubles with Mark?" He said. I could almost hear the smirk in his voice. 

"I guess you could say that. I'm thinking if I should break up with him." I confessed.

"What?! What did he do? Did he cheat on you?" Wonpil shouted, disbelief evident on his tone.

"No, that's the problem. He didn't do anything wrong." I said, running my hand through my hair. 

"Then why do you want to break up with him? What, he has some weird quality that you don't like?" Wonpil confusingly added.

"No. He's about as perfect as they come."

"You know, you've got to give me more here Jinyoung. It sounds like you're torn between breaking up with him or swooning over him." Wonpil, clearly confused with me, suddenly said.

"That's because I am a dickhead." I shouted, exasperated. 

"Well if you're gonna be this way, I'll talk to you some other time." Wonpil tiredly said. 

"Wait wait. I'm sorry. It's just... I'm so lost Wonpil. I'm scared." I gave up and confessed. There's not much that would benefit anyways