There’s a constant pressure, from all sides. From the agency who want her to be strong, lead the members and rely important information and updates on the members well-being. Then there’s the members perception of how she is supposed to prioritize and always play with them and dance and sing and joke and be a peacemaker and sneak them snacks during forced diets. The fans scream for her outer appearance “Korea's top three beauties 

Kim Taehee, Jun Jihyun, Kim Sowon!” and its witty humour but it’s all surface level. 

Always torn in three she starts to buck from the pressure. She tries to express her concerns but quickly notices it stresses her members. But she’s stressed too. She watched numerous members slip and fall on stage, numerous members get sudden but extreme pains to the point where they faint. But she pushed through all of it. Always making sure they got away to a hospital or got an ointment or the food they craved. 

They moved now, so that each of them have a separate room and the line to the bathroom is significantly lesser. But still she doesn’t know who she is supposed to be. They don’t listen to her until she gets angry and most of the time hardly even then. They were mature enough to lead themselves so what was she even doing. Why was she even here and why did the company keep pressuring her. 

It’s quick and to her surprise painless, it doesn’t sting like when you nicked yourself in the kitchen, instead there's a dull throb that follows, and she can’t help but feel that it’s soothing. She stares, as the red colours the white sink. It’s not too bad she thinks. Her eyes move up to her reflection in the mirror, her dark circles and malnourished face. Why, why, why?

Eunha screams behind her, gibberish mostly or; maybe not. Sowon can’t tell because all she can hear is the dull throbbing of her heart that echoes in her ears, while Eunha’s voice is high and fast. Sinb rushes in. Followed by Yuju, then Umji, then Yerin. They’re all here. Sowon drops the knife in her hand, it clinks loudly against the tiled floor and Sinb is screaming something. Sowon just stare at them. Her beloved members, the managers join, and then she is reminded of the management. The pressure return, and she collides with the floor, she lands with a loud thud. It’s cold and wet. She feels her managers arms holster her up and hear her members panicked voices; “stop” she mumbles. No one hears her, between her panicked members screams and the managers trying to calm them down. She is rushed out the door and laid down in their car; “stop” she begs. The managers are too busy talking over the phone to hear her. They arrive at the hospital, a nurse helping her into a wheelchair. She hates it, reminded of her father's death. Her eyes grow heavier; “stop” she tries. But it’s too weak. She barely hears herself. She slumps forwards, and she can hear more of Eunha’s high-pitched blabbering and Sinb’s yelling. The light is too bright and it hurts her head. She tries to move away but is restrained by hands that hold her down. A mask that covers her nose and mouth lull her to sleep. 

Eunha is holding her hand, her small fingers lacing with the thin long ones. Sinb is pacing the room while Yerin and Umji sits along the wall joined by their managers. Yuju is outside. They don’t know what she is doing but plainly staring at their sedated leader isn’t what she wants to do.  

When Sowon stirs Yuna storms in, she is first to be right next to her, pushing past Sinb and pressing past Eunha. “Sojung!” she says. The girl just stares. “hi” she sounds weak and meek. She furrowed her eyebrows together and looks down on her patched up arm. Sowon closes her eyes and lays her head down again. “” she breathes. “Ya, is that all you have to say?!” Sinb yells. Yerin pushes her back and mumbles to her to calm down but Sinb is pissed. Eunha clings to her and Yuju is hugging her so tight Sowon feels that she is about to pass out from air deficiency. Sinb comes closer and looms over her, tears welling up in her eyes that overflow. “You ...you” Sinb stutter. Her voice cracking and breaking as she tries to speak. Sowon motions her closer and Sinb crawls into her embrace. “How could you?” she mumbles, burying her face into her soft hair and neck. Sowon rubs her back, kissing her head. “I’m sorry” she says. Sinb starts hitting Sowon’s body with weak fists. Sowon takes it. She usually scolds her but now. Now Sinb needs to beat her a little. Yerin grabs Sinb’s wrist but Sowon stops her. “Let her” she says. Yerin backs off.  Yuna crawls into Sowon’s bed. Hugging the older closer to herself. Yerin and Eunha joins. Sowon motions for Umji to join. The youngest fiddling with the hem of her shirt. Careful as usual. Yewon crawls on top burying her face into the gown. “Sojung” she cries. Her shoulders shaking as she cries. “I’m sorry” Sowon repeats.  

Their CEO enters the room, staring at the pile of girls managing to fit into the small hospital bed. Sowon buried beneath her members. Sowon shrugs her shoulders and gives him an unsure smile. He goes up and holds her hand. “I’m sorry” he says. “For forgetting you amongst your members and your fans” Sowon gives his hand a light squeeze. “I’ll do better” Sowon promises. Their CEO shakes his head. “No, I’ll do better” he says.