Remember when I tried to do this in a day?

So I just wanted to say something before you read this chapter: This chapter is about Tzuyu being depressed however it is only in the sense of being sad. I tried to make a conscious effort to show that she wasn’t going to improve just because of Sana as that would be wrong. The depression Tzuyu feels is not clinical, she is just sad as is part of the grief cycle.

Basically, I got scared that people would think I was saying depression has an easy fix. It doesn’t. If you’re struggling with your mental health (especially during quarantine) look up what your country is offering in terms of assistance or go and see a medical professional.

Depression

Tzuyu hadn’t gone to college for a few days.

She called in sick, though this wasn’t really a lie. She did feel sick just not in a medical sense. It was similar to how she had felt a year ago when she’d first found Chaeyoung and Nayeon together. That feeling of heartbreak, like her heart was being ripped out of her chest. Part of her wanted to scream and cry and trash her bedroom at first. To release the intense emotion within her. But eventually she just succumbed to the sadness.

Tzuyu let the waves of devastation wash over her until she started to drown. There was an eerily calm feeling in just allowing herself to feel sad. It was addictive, the sadness. She knew where she was with it, there was no false hope or promises. The weight in her chest acting as a comforting hug as she watched the ceiling fan go round and round. Tzuyu was underwater and didn’t have it in her to fight the current.

What brought this on? A very lovely photo sequence of Chaeyoung and Nayeon. The first was them smiling at the camera, the second was them pulling stupid faces and the last was of them kissing. If that hadn’t been enough to make Tzuyu barf, the caption was the nail in her coffin.

Chaengcasso: Happy One Year Anniversary! I love you so much, here’s to a million more x

Chaeyoung was over her. Tzuyu should have been pissed. Why was Chaeyoung allowed to move on with her life when she herself was still so broken? They were the ones who had done the bad thing, why was Tzuyu the one in pain? It wasn’t fair and Tzuyu couldn’t even bring herself to be angry. Instead she was sad, the realisation that Chaeyoung was out of her life for good hit her like a ton of bricks.

The worst part wasn’t even the knowledge that her ex had moved on without her. It was that despite knowing that it was all over all Tzuyu wanted was Chaeyoung laying beside her. her hair gently to calm her down, like she used to. She longed desperately to be laying in their bed, in the tiny apartment. Cuddled up together, listening to the rain hit the window. Chaeyoung would inevitably make some sort of philosophical comment which would make Tzuyu swoon.

Just them.

But it was just her, laid in her cold bed staring at the ceiling fan in the dark. Tzuyu wished she didn’t miss her, she wished she didn’t care. Yet here she was, caring and sad. Had her ex suffered any consequences from what had happened between them? Of course not, this was the real world. Where the proverbial little guy was always quashed by the big guy. Sure the heights are reversed but that was hardly the point.

She rolled over, the ceiling boring her now and so she settled for the wall instead. When she had moved in she covered it head to to in old photographs, all taken on the old camera she had bought whilst with Chaeyoung. Her eyes sought out one in particular, of Chaeyoung sat on that park bench sketching. Such a simple photo which represented the happiest moment of her life. A moment she would never change for the world despite the heartbreak that followed it.

The apartment door opened and closed, but Tzuyu didn’t fear an intruder. Elkie and Victoria had the spare key, so they were probably coming to check on her again. She didn’t turn over when her bedroom door opened, it wouldn’t be who she wanted. Whoever it was paused when their entrance wasn’t acknowledged. They could see the girl was awake and hadn’t thought ahead how to proceed once in the room with her.

Tzuyu reasoned it much be Victoria, the mystery person had a lot more tact than Elkie would have shown.

“You know,” Tzuyu spoke up, voice frail, “The worst part is that I still miss cuddling her. She was so much shorter yet she had to be the big spoon.”

The mystery person hesitated a moment but then walked towards the bed, they slipped behind Tzuyu and wrapped their arms awkwardly around her. The perfume hit Tzuyu’s nostrils and she stilled, not out of fear but more shock that it was Sana.

“You weren’t in class so I dropped by.” Sana explained quietly, not letting go, “Elkie let me in.”

A quiet “Oh” was her response.

Tzuyu relaxed and Sana held her a bit tighter, both feeling more comfortable after the initial tension.

“Are you okay?”

“No…”

“Sorry that was a dumb question,” Sana chuckled, awkwardly, “I never was the best with words.”

“Chaeyoung was good with words.” Tzuyu reminisced, turning over to face her friend, “She had this was of talking me into anything just by using beautiful language.”

“That’s kind of…”

“Messed up?” Tzuyu finished, “Yeah, I guess there were a lot of red flags I didn’t see.”

“TzuTzu,” Sana smiled, that same smile she wore when they first met - the one that made Tzuyu’s cold heart feel warm, “She was your first love, you didn’t know what was right or wrong about your relationship until you felt it.”

“Yeah I guess.”

“What do you like about Chaeyoung? Honestly.”

“She was a free spirit, artistic, beautiful.” Tzuyu listed, “She was unpredictable and it made life exciting.”

Sana hummed, “But was there a future?”

Tzuyu thought a moment, “No…no there wasn’t. I think I just got used to her being around, when she left I was just lost.”

Sana tucked a loose hair behind Tzuyu’s ear, “You deserve more than to settle. You can be nostalgic for the past but it shouldn’t stop you moving forward.”

“But it hurts so much.”

Like a floodgate opened and tears streamed down Tzuyu’s face as she sobbed. Knowing words would fail her, Sana just pulled her close and hushed her gently. Rocking her backwards and forwards to calm her. It worked a little, there was something about the hug that relaxed her. Whilst it didn’t stop the tears, it made her feel heard. It made it all feel normal and less like she was losing her mind.

But mostly it made Tzuyu feel safe.

_____

Victoria had been stunned when Sana and Tzuyu came into the diner.

She had thought they wouldn’t see the youngest for a while after the incident here for known as Chaeyoung-Gate. But an hour or two upstairs with Sana was enough to bring her down for some food. With Elkie on a date and therefore having the night off, Victoria took it upon herself to serve the duo a big meal. Watching from afar as her favourite cousin smiled at whatever story Sana was telling her.

Victoria could almost guarantee she wasn’t really listening to the story itself, but rather she just enjoyed the company. It was nice to see Tzuyu finally getting back to…well, being Tzuyu. It had been so long since the real Tzuyu poked her head out and while she was still grieving the loss of the relationship, it looked as though she would be back for good eventually.

And Victoria was positive she knew who to thank for this.

Sure, Tzuyu would have to do most of the work to get back to herself again. But Sana’s presence was definitely distracting her from her problems. It was making her happier and helping her get over she-who-will-not-be-named. Sana seemed to inspire Tzuyu into wanting to move on, wanting to get better. That’s what she needed, Victoria and Elkie could give her all the support she wanted but the drive to move forward had to come from Tzuyu.

Seeing an opportunity when Sana got up to go to the bathroom, Victoria went over to join her cousin in the booth.

“It’s nice to see you smiling.”

Tzuyu went shy, “Well…Sana just has a way of bringing it out of me.”

Victoria hummed, “I like her.”

Tzuyu looked up at that, surprised. Victoria and Elkie had always hated Chaeyoung. For the first year or so it was just your run of the mill protectiveness. Tzuyu was the baby of the family and so obviously nobody would ever be good enough for her ever. But then Victoria saw it. Chaeyoung looking at her sketch book rather than Tzuyu, drawing other women.

Tzuyu paid for everything even when she didn’t really have the money to do so. Whenever Tzuyu looked at Chaeyoung it was like literal heart eyes, when Chaeyoung looked at Tzuyu (as rare as that seemed to be) she always looked bored. Her theory was that it had started off real but over time they subconsciously decided it was better to be unhappy together than alone. They were all each other knew.

“Really?”

Victoria nodded, “She’s honest. I like honest, you need honest.”

Tzuyu nodded.

The elder placed her hand on top of her cousin’s, “I know you’re not ready right now and that’s okay, everything has it’s time. But I really think you and Sana are perfect for each other.”

“I-I don’t know--”

“Just,” Victoria interrupted, “Just keep it in mind. Either way, she’s a sweet girl.”

Tzuyu smiled, turning when the bathroom door opened and caught her eye. Sana was walking back over beaming at them.

“She’s amazing.”

Victoria looked at Sana.

Literal heart eyes.