'Where are you?'

 

I have been asking that question since opening night.

 

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Every morning you kiss my forehead to wake me, saying goodnight before closing your eyes to finally get some rest, remembering hearing you hum a tune at the foot of the bed in the middle of the night.

I planted a kiss on your cheek, saying I love you before heading out the door.

 

As I walk to my car I silently pray, 'Let this be the day he comes to see the show.'

 

You'd text me 'Break a leg! ♥' before we're called on stage. Always on the dot.

I sing my heart out every night hoping that you'd be there watching, planning a surprise. Like you always do.

Every night I ask Jjangmae if he saw you somewhere inside the hall, search for fancams to see if you were there.

But every night; family, friends, fans and collegues give me flowers and gifts. But the ones I so hope to come from you never came.

 

Every night after a show I come home to you, seated at the dining table with a hot meal waiting for me.

I give you a kiss and say hi to the cats, you ask me how the show was. You give me such big reactions with every story I tell about my day, the show, whoever came.

I never ask you why you didn't come because we both know how hard it'll be if people saw you there. Scandals and news articles about it will be plastered all over the internet.

I never ask you why you can't come because I know how you get so worked up whenever you're given no other choice but to stay hidden. How you'll say that your presence would only cast a shadow on my accomplishments.

It's been years but we've hidden it, denied all of it. Pretended. How I so long for the day we can scream our love out loud to the world.

But maybe it's just not the right time yet.

You end every meal with "I wish I was there." and I answer "I wish you were."

 

 

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We head off to bed, with the cats all over the place.

I fall asleep with you spooning me. But in the middle of the night, I feel you pull away and get out of bed. After a few minutes, those minutues were filled with great anxiety, you come back and sit at the foot of the bed and hum that familiar tune. The cycle starts again.

 

Whenever it's my day off, you lock yourself away in your studio. I never come and barge into your own little world. I know how that creative mind of yours work. I play with the cats and take inventory of our supplies.

 

This has been our routine for days.

Still, each day, I pray you'd come to the next show.

I want you to be proud of what I've done, what I'm capable of.

Am I not that good? Is that why you don't come?

 

Even after years of being together, we practically live together, especially now we're quarantined together.

I still get so insecure.

You, being a top star, role model and a jack of all traits. I still can't help but wonder why you're with me.

Out of all the women who would gladly throw themselves at you, why me.

 

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The final night is coming up so fast. You still don't show up to each show.

Each day, the anxiety and worry heightens.

 

Practically everyone close to me has came, except you.

Why?

 

'Where are you?'

It's the final night.

I ask around before the show, search for fancams if anyone has seen you. Still nothing.

You didn't send me a "break a leg!" message. Why?

 

Still, with my hopes up, I sang my heart out.

The last of my friends came and said goodbye. Still, you weren't there.

 

'Where are you?' I stared at my phone.

 

"Dara-sshi! Are you coming?" The staff asked. I gave her a smile and a nod as I sent you a text reminding you about the congratulatory dinner for the show ending.

 

I stared, waiting for a reply. You never took more than a few seconds to reply. And when no reply came, I just let out a deep sigh, put my phone back in my bag, wore my mask and walked to my car. Maybe this was it. The end.

 

Everyone had fun at the dinner, I tried my best to stay bright and laugh at all the jokes. But.

 

I came home home, seeing your car parked in its spot. You're home but something feels off.

 

Everything was strange but my heart sank deeper with each step I took towards our home.

 

I opened the lights upon opening the door.

 

A new frame was hanging by the front door. I stared, it's a new painting. One of yours.

 

I stared, trying to understand what's happening and what I'm seeing.

WAIT! "THAT'S ME!" I yelled out as I finally realized what it was. It was your version of my picture in the musical's posters.

 

"Omo! What's happening?!" I fumbled inside my bag with tears welling up in my eyes.

I dialed your number as soon as I grabbed my phone.

 

I heard your phone ring near the dining room.

 

I rushed over. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH~!" Waterfalls form on my face.

All sized of bouquets were on the table and chairs sorrounded by candles.

 

You emerged from the kitchen with a cake in hand.

"CONGRATULATIONS, Deeeeee~!" You yelled out trying not to laugh upon seeing my face.

"Ji!" I muttered in between sobs.

"Please blow the candle!" You motioned at the cake. I obliged.

"Sit." You said as you laid the cake on the table and ran to the kitchen.

I stared at all the bouquets. "Here!" You said handing me a glass of water.

 

After a few minutes, you brushed my hair with your hand.

"Are you calm now?" You said laughing. "I have something to give you."

"The painting?" I asked.

"Nope. That's for the house." You smiled as you got up and moved to your bag.

"Here!" You said, pulling out a red book.

 

"What's this?"

"Open it!"

 

I opend it, 'Another Ms. Oh.' engraved on the front cover.

I flipped the book, seeing pictures from our rehearsals, press activities and pictures of me getting my make up done before shows.

Then after that I saw pictures of me singing on stage, all from different angles. With every page having a ticket attached to it.

March 31, 2020 was the date on the first ticket the last was a ticket from tonight.

I didn't realize I was crying again.

 

I looked up at you. "Ji." was all I could mutter.

"I came to every single show. I saw you every night." You smiled and gave me a  warm hug.

"But you were home!" I said to your neck.

"Do you know how hard it was to bribe Youngbae and Daesung not to rat me out the night they came to see you?" You said laughing.

"But you were home!" I echoed.

"Do you know how hard it was to come to your shows unnoticed?"

"But you were home!" I sounded like a broken record.

"Do you know how hard it was to race home and reheat all our dinners? Don't mention acting not to look so out of breath when you came home?"

Releasing myself from your arms. "I thought you weren't proud of me. I thought you......"

"Shhhhh." You said as you wiped my tears away. "There you go again. Why do you always think so little of yourself. I am so proud of you, I've always been. Though we may not say it out loud. Though we cannot yell it out just yet. I have always been proud of you, I have always loved you too. Just in case you forgot."

I can't top that statement, all I could do was smile.

"By the way, every bouquet is for every show. I couldn't give them to you then. So I'm giving them all to you now."

Again, just smile Sandara.

 

"Cake or Bed?" You asked.

"Bed." I can't handle anymore sweetness.

"Okay. Go wash up. I'll just clean up. Let's just eat the cake tomorrow." You collected me from my chair.

"Remember to read the last page!" You yelled out as I opened the bedroom door.

I got some change of clothes and headed to the bathroom and got ready for bed.

'Remember to read the last page!' I remembered as I put my toothbrush back. I never got to the last page of the book because of those mystical waterfalls from earlier.

 

Seeing the book on the bathroom counter, I flipped to the last page. It was his handwriting.

 

 

'Another Ms. Oh.... Can't you just be another Mrs. Kwon? (Figuratively of course!) -Ji

 

 

'WHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAT~?!?' was all my head could process.

I rushed out the bathroom but I stopped as soon as I opened the door.

I heard that familiar tune you hummed every night playing; but this time it was a song.

 

 

Then there you were.

 

 

Kneeling on one knee by our bed.

 

 

Sorrounded by our cats.

 

 

I could feel the tears coming up again.

 

 

 

"Dara. Will you, finally, marry me?"

 

 

"JIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII~!!!!!!"