it had been the middle of october when joy tries to finish writing the last letter she will ever send. as she glances through the window she notices the leaves change in color. along with the leaves her feelings change as well. she finds herself sighing, sitting in a café with a pen in her hand. an empty paper and envelope rests on the table, along with a cup of coffee and a slice of chiffon cake. she wasn’t sure whether she was hungry or just anxious but she knew that if she tried to consume the food in front of her, it would only take a few minutes before they leave , heaved onto a sink.
of course she was anxious, that’s got to be it right? since this was the last time. a last ditch effort to save a relationship that was bound to fail from the start. and it did, it failed in the end. failed terribly, miserably. but joy wasn’t a quitter. so she wrote letters to a girl, who lived far from where she is, yet lies near and deep in her heart. the girl she loves.

joy and seulgi’s relationship blossomed in the first year of college. the university campus they went to was enormous but fate of course, made their paths cross. joy was young and curious, a literature major with wide eyes and a beaming smile. her first week in the university went smoothly, her professors were great and she enjoyed most of the schoolwork given. she loved writing more than she loved anything else. like anyone else, joy had a dream. she didn’t dream of materialistic things like big money or large amounts of clothing. she dreamt of being happy and content, to live life however she wanted. seulgi on the other hand scoffed at the thought of dreams. she was a performing arts major and she loved to live in the moment. seulgi was feisty and passionate yet kind and responsible. most of all, she was the life of the party. wherever seulgi goes, fun and trouble follows. she was already in her second year of college when she met joy. it was at a boring party at some random person’s apartment.

it was also during october when their paths crossed at the rooftop, while the party was booming downstairs, joy inhabited the empty rooftop. she leaned towards the railing, taking in the sights and sounds of the busy city. seoul was beautiful during the day but at night, it was heavenly. the lights from the buildings adorned the night alongside the stars and the pale moon. she smiled at the view, wishing time could stand still so she could be in this moment forever. her blissful solitude was disturbed by another presence. joy shifted her gaze to right and sees another girl. she was a little bit shorter than her and her monolid eyes were charming. joy thinks that the girl in beside her was the prettiest in the world.

“hey” the girl that stood beside her muttered. joy offered a smile and replied with a meek “hello”.

“this party is pretty boring isn’t it? — oh, i’m seulgi by the way” the girl said, lighting a cigarette and taking a drag. joy doesn’t really like it when people smoke but she’d make an exemption, for seulgi has bewitched joy in a matter of minutes.

“i’m joy” she replied. seulgi looked at her from head to toe, joy shifted her gaze somewhere else. seulgi chuckled and asked “wanna get out of here?”

“i thought you’d never ask”

so that was it, how it all began. after that event, joy and seulgi became friends and they were inseparable. they hung out and went to watch films in the cinema most of the times. joy loved horror but at some scenes she was scared, so seulgi would wrap her arms around her trembling frame which joy liked. seulgi liked to walk joy back to her dorm whenever it gets late but sometimes she stays over because joy insists. they do almost everything together. they go to cafés, party at nightclubs, they study together, they give advice to each other, they could always rely and lean on one another. after a few months of soft moments, averted eyes and lingering touches, they finally started dating.

joy wouldn’t lie, of course the first few months were filled with pure bliss. she realized that seulgi was everything she was looking for. seulgi felt the same, she found that joy made her a better person. they were a match made in heaven. their traits complemented each other. so they went on like that, sure there were a few bumps along the way but they could always manage to fix it, until they graduated college.

seulgi wanted more. she was offered a job as a dancer for an international artist. the job requires that she would tour for a whole year all over the world. joy was of course happy for her girlfriend. seulgi had worked hard and this was her huge break. joy hugged seulgi tightly, she was so proud yet there’s a looming feeling. she was scared she would lose seulgi. they tried to make long distance work, but they always end up missing each other. joy was working on her manuscript and was offered a job at a publishing company while seulgi toured around the world. sometimes they couldn’t contact each other for days because of how busy they both were. the time zones weren’t helping either. so evidently, after a few months of maintaining a long distance relationship, seulgi broke up with joy.

even if seulgi broke it off, she insisted that joy and her would meet again someday, and maybe it could work out. while joy insisted they stay friends. which seulgi agreed. during their relationship joy would send seulgi letters, to which seulgi replied with postcards. it was their own little thing, something intimate they could share with each other only. they kept on doing it after the break up, joy would write letters every month, seulgi would send postcards in return. until after a year, seulgi stopped sending anything. joy tried to contact her through texting but seulgi seems to have changed her number. joy tried to social media but all seulgi had was instagram, and she didn’t even post anymore. at this point joy was saddened by this awful turn of events. she was also overcome with worry, where is seulgi? is she still alive?

even if seulgi stopped replying, joy would still send letters for over a course of two years. but today, joy has decided that enough is enough. this would be the last time she writes to seulgi. and if she still doesn’t reply? then that’s it. the end of their story.

joy finally finished writing the letter, more like a prose at this point. she glances at it one more time. it reads:

dearest seulgi,
i will be waiting in the rooftop for you to come back again. only this time i wish harsh words won’t roll off your tongue when you mix anger with flesh and pleasure. although i do miss your cherry lips with a death toll in between. and your knowing smile.

i don’t want to think about you anymore. mostly because it still hurts. memories of you are like a scab and you pick on me, wound me over and over again. then you tell me to heal from them. it’s suffocating. your eyes, they hold so many reflections i can’t pinpoint which one is mine. i think you’ve lost me in a sea of people, dead or alive, softly choking on each other’s words. but we stay empty and hollow. my lips are bruised, my thighs are burnt. everything else is in disarray, i sought solace in your arms and the way you touched me. perhaps you never deserved me but i still wanted you. and i’m terrified because i still care. it pains me but i still care. so let’s sit here as our skin decays and burns under the brightest sun.

this is the last prose i’ll write about you. this is the last letter i’ll send. i do not wish for you to come back to me, i only wish to know that you are doing alright.

yours,
joy

joy folded the paper neatly and secured it inside the envelope. She wrote seulgi’s name and address, at least the address she’d been writing to for years. she left the café and went to the post office.

joy woke up to the sound of her alarm clock, the sunlight was peering through her windows. it’s been two months since she mailed the letter to which there is still no reply. she stood up and got ready for work. after eating breakfast and showering, she changed into her office attire and headed down the hall. a letter was left in her doormat. she picked it up and glanced at the name of the sender. joy’s eyes were pricked with tears, she held back a sob as she read the name of the sender.

kang seulgi

joy instantly opened the envelope, there she finds a postcard. the postcard displayed the city of seoul. and a note that read:

meet me at the rooftop today at 10:00 am, in seoul xx

joy glanced at her watch, it was 9:00 am. she went around her apartment and found her phone. she called up her office to say that she’s taking a day off. she didn’t waste time. joy ran to the subway and took off. she knew which rooftop seulgi had meant in her letter.

after the ride, joy walked to the all too familiar apartment complex, she ran and climbed the stairs. she felt her heart beating fast, as if it would leap out of her chest. she didn’t know what to feel, it was quite bittersweet for her. this was it, she thought. as she opens the door, she was greeted by a face she knew all too well and a warm smile she’d been missing.

“hey”

“hello”