Her earliest memories of him are blurry at best. There’s not much to remember only that they’re both just starting out in the company in the same year, and that he doesn’t look the same way he did back then. Either way though, he’s still charming, drawing people in to him like light does to moths. 

Soojung counts her age the way people do from all over the world, the lunar age just increases her confusion. It will get better in time, but she’s only eleven, forced to grow up to feed her to the public. She hangs on to what she knows, but allows them to be replaced by other things that she’ll hang on to as she goes along. Unfortunately, one of the things she hangs on to is a smile that’s all too dangerous and charming at the same time. 

It’s too easy to hang on to his smile. After all, she sees it every time they see each other. Whether it’s just them bumping against each other in the halls, or them being placed in the same class for training. She finds that it’s one of the things she constantly sees and she doesn’t mind it. 

Which is why she finds it harder to look at him when they sit together at the rooftop of the company at three in the morning a day before he leaves for his military enlistment. SHINee and f(x) have different schedules now ever since the girl group’s last comeback, but she still sees him around the company a lot. His smile doesn’t fade. 

His send-off consists of only Taemin and one of his friends. Soojung is perfectly content with staying behind. 

\ 

text to jung soojung: they’re so strict on food here... 

text to jung soojung: i can’t believe we can only eat a SPECIFIC AMOUNT of food

text to jung soojung: save me, soojung. 

\

The internet gets even more creative as the time passes. She scrolled through her instagram feed long enough to know that Minho is called Mr. Marine now, and she laughs. If he’s here he would have laughed at it too, told her that maybe he is a Mr. Marine after all and that he looks good in the uniform. But he’s not, and it throws her off. Soojung turns her phone off. 

Looking back at everything, she realizes that the years between them span out in perfect balance. She doesn’t see him every single day, but she sees him enough. It’s better than having to see someone consistently even if it’s not as often as she’d like, rather than to see someone periodically where they hang out every day then resort to texts for an entire month or two. 

With him, it has always been relaxed and never rushed. A stark difference to Soojung’s measured steps and calculated statements whenever she’s talking to someone else she doesn’t really know. Good image, good image, good image. It’s all about Public Relations, preferably good but it’s PR anyway. Smile and nod, wave and flip your hair. Everything’s written down, measured and calculated to never fail. But it fails with him, because he doesn’t ask for Krystal, he asks for Soojung.

She doesn’t even know how much he’s paying attention until he tells her. They’re in a pig skin place somewhere in Yeoksam-dong in the fall of 2014, spending their day with no obligations -- just pig skin and maybe some soju. He’s still smiling even when he’s slightly buzzed, but the words that flow out of his mouth are striking to her. 

“You have this habit you know,” he begins but Soojung could only look at him blankly. “When you were younger you’re not… Soojung. You have this public personality and I could only see so little of who you are. Most of the time you’re quiet, smiling and bowing to everyone and only talking when you’re being noticed. Then you talk so little, but then when you’re asked to do something -- like that time when you had to dance for everyone in King of Idols, do you remember that?” 

Soojung only nods her head. 

“Well that. You danced because you were asked to, but for the rest of the time you just smiled, interacted with them like you would with a stranger while smiling and waving. That’s not you.” Everything that he said has been spoken so eloquently that it’s hard for her to think that he’s already buzzed. 

“You don’t have it anymore. You kind of grew into yourself now, a bit more sure than you were before.” Then he smiles at her. 

Soojung is speechless the entire time. 

\

  text to choi minho: when r u coming back 

text to choi minho: the ppl here r boring and no fun

text to choi minho: i hope you’re well 

\ 

When “kaistal” happens, SHINee is promoting D x D x D. They’re mostly in Japan for the beginning of the year, but after the promotions, all of them went back to Korea to have a bit of their free time. That includes Minho. He finds out about her and Jongin sometime in the middle of promotions, and immediately takes to the phone to whine to Soojung about why she didn’t even say anything. 

She doesn’t really know what to tell him then. Truth be told the reason why she didn’t say anything is because she doesn’t know how. Jongin and her happened all of a sudden. Years of friendship then suddenly it feels like something else, something more than what she initially feels. 

Apparently, he finds out through Jonghyun, who finds out from Taemin. Shockingly enough, Taemin doesn’t find out from Jongin. It’s Dispatch who tells the entire world, including the SHINee boys. She feels irritated, suddenly, that a gossip website known for being jack to a lot of people in the industry revealed something that’s supposed to be private to the entire world. 

Minho catches on to that during their phone call, surprisingly. 

“I’m sorry though, that they did that to you.” Even if it’s not his fault, guilt is dripping off his edges. Which prompts Soojung to smile. 

“It’s fine. It’s not your fault. Please tell the others though that I’m sorry for not telling anyone properly. Extend my apologies on behalf of Jongin too. It’s just… it’s not supposed to be something the world knows yet.” She sighs. The public does not own her, but why does it feel like they do? 

“You don’t owe us that. Now rest up.” 

When SHINee comes back from Japan, Soojung finds out from Taemin that the group has effectively talked to Jongin with “intimidating stances” and “a very angry group of sunbaes”. He tells her that the message is to “never hurt her or else…” and then they both laugh. It’s endearing really, that the five are going through such lengths for her. Add that to the talks of the same nature coming from Victoria and Amber (Jessica didn’t have to give Jongin the same conversation, she had always accepted him warmly). 

Taemin gives her a salute before running off somewhere. She assumes he’s going to piss Kibum off some more. 

After a long elevator ride, she finally reaches the rooftop and finds Minho there. By the usual spot they’d hang in since she’s fifteen and he’s seventeen. While they really have no claim over the spot (as all of this is SM’s property, maybe including them) they still call it theirs. 

“I knew you’d be here.” She takes the seat next to him, careful to leave a bit of space between them. Suddenly, skinship with someone else other than Jongin feels awkward. Different. Minho and her are friends, but they aren’t just friends now. They’re friends only at this point, if that makes sense. 

“Hey you,” He smiles at her the way he usually does. Cheery, and charming at the same time. She swears she could see galaxies in his smile sometimes. They’re always full of depth and are never insincere. 

“Taemin told me about what the five of you did.” 

“Well if you think about it it’s mostly me, Jonghyun, and Taemin who did all the talking. Key stood back with his arms across his chest and I bet Jinki is hoping we don’t kill the guy.” He laughs, and soon enough she finds herself laughing with him too. 

“You guys really didn’t have to go through that.” She finally tells him when the laughter dies down. 

“We wanted to. We all grew up together Soojung, which is why it’s our very obligation to make sure that you do not get hurt under any circumstances. And especially not in the hands of a boy.” The latter part had been spoken with much disdain which makes her smile. 

“You’re a boy. ” She teases. 

“I’m a man. ” He counters, holding his hand to his chest as he feigns hurt. 

“No you aren’t.” 

“For real though, Soojung. I’m going to be here for you every single time. You can talk to me about this whole dating scenario. If he hurts you, if he even so much as yells at you I will end him. 

And I know that it’s what the rest of us would do as well.” He smiles again, but it’s softer this time. 

She feels grateful that this boy, or man as he liked to call himself, cares this much about her. Enough to make her feel like she could take on the world and he’d still have her back. 

\

text to jung soojung: i hope you’re not drinking without me over there

text to jung soojung: i can’t be the only one who can’t have soju during weekends 

text to jung soojung: nvm i forgot you’re a wine person

text to jung soojung: drinks when i get home, ok? you can’t say no. 

\ 

Fading into obscurity doesn’t seem like it until it happens. After the Japanese album, there’s pretty much radio silence on the company regarding her group. Victoria hasn’t been around much anymore. She’s practically the queen back in her hometown already, which is why it’s perfectly understandable for Soojung and the rest of the girls when Victoria’s missing schedules and events. 

It doesn’t feel any less bothering though. That her group is already fading into the background, with people only knowing them as individual people and never as f(x). It’s painful to admit as well that some of them are known more than the others outside of group endeavors. 

Acting is better for her outside of f(x). It’s not that she’s not confident about her singing and dancing skills, she knows she’s good at them. It’s just that she doesn’t feel like she wants to be on that stage alone without the other girls with her. Being all alone in that stage with backup dancers instead of groupmates feels weird, and somehow lonely. That’s really the only reason why she chooses to act instead of going solo with her music. 

Some days though, everything is more overwhelming than the usual. The lack of projects, the amount of free time she has in her hands when she’s not memorizing a script or talking to Jongin, the looming thought of her friends being too busy for her because well they’re all idols and somehow… she feels like she’s not one anymore. 

Sure, SM still owns her but she feels like she’s not worth much anymore - or their group at least. Because things wouldn’t have gone down the way they did if f(x) still has the same effect as it did seven years ago. 

Add that to the feeling that she’s being left behind, and suddenly she couldn’t take it. Emotions pile up one over the other, being kept inside and internalized until someone manages to trigger it. 

He appears out of nowhere when she’s reading through her script at some cafe in the lesser crowded parts of Seoul. As usual, he has a cap and sunglasses on. But even then, she could recognize him. 

“So our actress is busy, I see.” 

Soojung could only glare at him before sighing. She doesn’t have the energy to bicker with him today. 

“Not today, Minho.” 

He pries the script away from her hands and tucks it under his arms. A hand is offered to her when he stands up, and she takes it because she knows that there’s not much of a choice if Minho would be persistent. 

They walk along the less busy streets of Seoul with a few inches of space between them. It wasn’t like this before; lacking in skinship. They’ve always been that close. Close to the point where if Soojung would playfully slap Minho’s arm, it wouldn’t matter. It feels different, but somehow it’s still comfortable. 

“We’re going to walk the whole day until you tell me what’s wrong.” He finally speaks up. 

It brings Soojung to a halt though. Because she’s sure that she’s not obvious, that the way she told him to stop talking to her is the way she’d usually brush people off if she's busy. How he found out is beyond her. 

“Nothing’s wrong.” She lies through her teeth. Everyone knows she’s strong, that she’s not just someone who breaks so easily. It’s the only image she’s desperate for people to see now, even if she doesn’t want to be fake. 

“You could keep lying to me and we could keep walking. I’m an athlete, I don’t tire easily.” He shrugs it off, like this is no big deal at all. Like he didn’t just take her script away from her when she’s supposed to be familiarizing herself with the lines for tomorrow’s script reading. 

“Stop this now.” Her words come out harsh, but she doesn’t feel sorry. Instead she just feels her anger bubbling up inside of her. 

“Are we going to pretend that you didn’t hear what I said a while ago? Not until you tell me what’s wrong, Soojung.” He presses even further which makes her angrier. 

It doesn’t help that he’s staring a hole into her soul, like he’s digging deep into the recesses of her brain, trying to determine what went wrong with the Soojung he used to smile at back in the company building. 

“Everything’s ing wrong that’s what.” She snaps. Her anger flying out of her as easy as the way one would snap a glow stick. 

It’s all surfacing now. The anger and the guilt. The probability that she will never be able to see Victoria, Amber, Luna, and Sulli as much as she wants to. How she feels like she’s already slowly fading into the background, never to be remembered, never “Korea’s It Girl” anymore. The envy she feels as her boyfriend flies to another country to promote his peaking group. 

She’s supposed to have everything he has now, but instead she’s being tossed aside. Only remembered when someone more relevant than her gets brought up along with her name. Only remembered when they’re asking about how things are going with Jongin.

“I’m not supposed to be reading scripts, I’m supposed to be promoting with f(x). I’m not supposed to go to all of those fashion week shows, that’s what my sister does. I don’t want to become a Jessica Junior. But now everything’s falling apart and I… I feel like nothing’s left for me anymore. The media only remembers me because I’m his girlfriend. Whenever I appear somewhere and someone recognizes me I hear them say ‘Oh it’s Krystal! Jongin’s girlfriend!’ and it makes me angry. Makes me angry that I’m building myself to be remembered as myself and not as someone’s sister, or someone’s girlfriend. I’m supposed to be my own person, along with being with f(x) and now none of that is happening.” 

Each word feels like needles in . If she could stop herself from speaking in the midst of all of that, she would have. But anger and Krystal do not match together. She could barely hold it in before all of this, but now she’s exploding like a newly opened can of coke that’s been shaken. 

“I don’t think you’re fading.” Is the only thing he says before he takes her into his arms. It’s not much, but it feels so oddly comforting to her that she feels her anger immediately soften and dissipate into nothingness. 

He walks her home that day and smiles at her before he leaves. Soojung tries her best not to dwell too much on her problems, so she finds herself replaying that smile over and over again in her head. It’s better than being angry, she thinks. 

\

text to choi minho: i can’t believe i’m supposed to be in this new drama again

text to choi minho: i’ve been filming so much it’s insane

text to choi minho: i don’t know who i am anymore, toil, or yerim, or boyoung… ugh idk idk

text to choi minho: sometimes with the rest of you gone and taemin being busy, i forget that i was once an idol

text to choi minho: honestly, you guys are the ones who bring that memory the most

text to choi minho: it’s why you should come back soon and see me

\ 

Being in a relationship that the public knows about feels like hell. She’s not even going to sugarcoat it anymore. While she and Jongin are dating it feels like everyone has their eyes on her and Jongin. Almost as if they owe the world even just the little moments of solitude, and small gestures between them. It’s like they always have to prove themselves to the world, that they’re still here, still together and that it’s not PR. 

Right now though, there’s not much to do or no way to prove it. He’s been on tour for months, and he only comes back to Seoul when he’s sure that he’s free to do as he pleases. Those days are not a lot, as much as she hates to admit it. Phone calls are nice, but Soojung likes to express her feelings in small gestures instead of words. So it doesn’t really work out for her as much as it does for him. Jongin has always been the romantic one, while Soojung is the realist.  

It truly though, that she had to make do with whoever’s around and try to get the affection she can from them, instead of getting it from Jongin. But what could she do? Tours are never sympathetic. It’s one of the things she had to accept when she signed that contract with SM that is essentially a piece of paper telling her that they own her now. The tours and the fansigns and the promotions, it will never be sympathetic, it has to be one’s priority after signing themselves off to a big company. Personal life should always be tossed to the side. 

When she’s bored enough, she looks at different social media platforms. Her bad habit of searching up her name, and the term ‘kaistal’ doesn’t escape her. It’s on everyone’s posts, that they’re fake, that he’s in love with someone else, that she’s just a beard, and that she will never be acceptable enough for his fans. 

Soojung could only sigh. If she’s being honest, all of this gets to her skin. While she doesn’t even know these people personally, she knows that if it weren’t for them, Jongin wouldn’t be happy living his dream now. She feels like an idiot, wanting his millions of fans to accept her and to stop thinking that it’s all just PR because she does have genuine feelings towards him. 

(She couldn’t call it love just yet. Because everything still feels weird and new to her, or maybe she’s just not used to dating someone who hasn’t faded into obscurity like her.) 

Sometimes, he forgets to call her. And sometimes, it happens when everything is too overwhelming for her. A brand new post from that online buzz forum started rumors of them being fake, and that it’s all just a publicity stunt pulled by their company. It effectively makes her feel like . Because they’re not supposed to be owned by the public, they’re not supposed to be the object of their hyper-fixations or their stupid conspiracy theories. They’re supposed to be two twenty-something year olds just wanting to feel whatever they can without the public giving their two-cents every single time. 

Months meld together and she doesn’t even realize that her contact with Jongin and her anger at the public are indirectly proportional already. Their calls are reduced to only a few days a week, or sometimes just once a week. Her anger however, grows each time she scrolls through her hidden social media accounts. It’s a bad habit, she knows, but she couldn’t just let all of this pass by. 

She couldn’t tell Jongin either though, because those are his fans and she doesn’t want to ruin his high from going on a world tour. So she keeps it to herself and finds herself kicking the wall on the rooftop of the company instead. It makes her feel less angry, but still angry. She identifies it as an improvement from just bottling everything up anyway, so she kicks and kicks and yells to her heart’s content. 

“Look, that poor wall will collapse if you kick it some more.” A familiar voice emerges from behind her and she doesn’t even need to look to know who it is. 

“Shut up, Minho.” Her response comes out automatically, but her wide eyes follow and soon enough she finds herself running towards him to give him a hug. “When did you get back from the tour?” 

“Just now. Did you miss me?” He messes up her hair. A force of habit, Soojung thinks. 

“The five of you really need to see me more often.” The pout on her face resembles an angry child. 

“Are you not content with just me?” 

“Nope. But I guess I’ll have to make do with just you.” She shrugs, but she’s laughing anyway because it’s been too long. Two months is already too long for someone like her who prefers to keep up a constant but steady communication between her friends. 

During this conversation though, it’s also when Soojung decides that she hates tours now. Hates them with every fiber of her being. 

“Come on we’re going somewhere.” Minho takes his cap and places it on her head, he also knows her just enough to reach into her purse, take her sunglasses out, and place it on her face. 

Disguises are annoying, but a necessity. Because even when Soojung is already fading into the background, people still know her. Apparently she’s got herself enough recognition from her younger years enough to be recognized by the people on the streets even without the rest of f(x). She wouldn’t lie and say that she hates it, because really the life of an idol - or a former one - is rooted in the need for recognition or acknowledgment. No one really shakes that thinking away.

Minho’s face is covered by a mask and they stop by in the lockers just to get Minho’s spare cap. She tries to give the one she’s wearing back to him but he doesn’t accept. Instead, he tells her that it looks better on her big face anyway and she yells at him loud enough to warrant a few stares from the new trainees. 

The first thing Soojung notices when she gets into the driver’s seat of her car is that Minho’s cologne sort of fills the whole place immediately. Instead of smelling the usual smell of car freshener in her car, it’s cologne instead. She would have complained, but it smells nice. It’s only halfway to their destination when she realizes that it’s the one she gave him for his birthday last year. 

“I didn’t know you like wearing that.” She muses as she turns onto the corner of the street where they’re supposed to be. 

“It smells nice. Pretty sure this is going to be my permanent one now.” 

Talking to Choi Minho is easy, she concludes. Because there’s nothing complicated to talk about. She’s always been Soojung to him, and he’s always been Minho to her. Just Minho, not Minho of SHINee. Though she supposes that it’s the same thing anyway. Minho’s a complex person, but he doesn’t hide himself behind too many layers like she does. 

Layers upon layers of walls is essential to Soojung. It’s for her own safety purposes. These walls are built to make sure that she does not fall apart in front of anyone, to make sure that they do not know her enough to ruin whatever she’d built for herself. Another thing is that those walls prevent her from expecting too much from other people. It prevents her from getting hurt . 

So far, those walls are helping her but only to an extent. She doesn’t know if it even benefits her anymore because Soojung finds herself struggling to get her emotions across. 

“Really, Minho? A football field?” She asks him with disbelief in her features. While she’s a bit athletic herself, and that it increases by a lot when she’s with Minho, it doesn’t really explain why they’re here. 

“I figured kicking a ball to a goal is better than you injuring yourself because you’re kicking a wall.” There he is again, downplaying such a huge effort like it’s nothing at all. Maybe he’s that nice, or maybe it’s the years of being around each other that gets him to go through such lengths. Either way, she’s thankful. 

“This is the field I used to play in as a child, do you know?” He takes a seat on the edge of the field, a smile gracing his face as he runs his fingers through the grass. 

“Must be a really important place for you then,” She’s looking at him now, her eyebrows narrowed and her head tilted to the side. They’ve had countless serious conversations, but she feels like this is new. 

Minho nods, his smile growing wider. “It is. It’s where I used to go whenever it’s time away from the company and I’m feeling a bit out of it more than the usual. I didn’t know this field would calm me down the way it does, but it works like magic every time.” 

“Did your dad coach here too?” She asks, remembering that his father is a football coach and that once upon a time, Minho’s dreams are about kicking balls into a goal.

She tries to remember what her dreams were before she got tossed into the company, but all of those had been clouded by shadows of the entertainment industry. It’s not that Soojung didn’t have a dream, it’s just that she didn’t have a chance to think of one before she’s tossed into SM, ready to debut three years after her training. 

“He did yeah. I tagged along sometimes when I was younger, but I eventually played here anyway. Before I was in the company.” 

Listening to his memories feels calming. Knowing that he’s had a proper life with normal people outside the company makes her smile. Because at least one of them got it better. 

The worst part about growing up in the entertainment industry is that you would never think you’re enough. It’s always a competition, always a scramble to get the most recognition out of the people around you. It manifests into habits as you get older and you find it hard to shake it all off. It’s exactly what happened to her. Which is why the sudden inactivity of f(x) and her conversion to acting is a struggle for her. 

Minho finally stands up and disappears off into the locker room, and later emerges with a ball in his hands. Soojung was never taught the basics of football, but she knows just enough to know how to stop a ball with the insides of her feet. It should be enough for her to last the day just kicking balls into goals while she yells in rage. 

“You kick and talk, I’ll catch and listen.” He takes his position in front of the goal and Soojung moves away until she finds herself at a comfortable position. 

There’s no one around, so she decides to tell him the gritty details. Her bad habits and the way those habits lead to her anger. Her missing Jongin and finding herself envious of what he has. Forgetting that she was once an idol and was never just an actress. Feeling like she’s being left behind by everyone else. Feeling owned by the media, never able to express the genuineness of her feelings because Jongin and her started all too sudden and never gradually. It’s all a mess of thoughts in her head and she doesn’t even care if every single ball she’s kicked automatically goes into Minho’s hands. All she cares about is letting every single one of her problems out into an empty football field. 

When it’s all over, she finds herself sitting down on the grass with her eyes fixated on Minho’s sneakers. She doesn’t know what to do now that everything’s sorted out, that everything has been admitted to and not just a huge blob of lies inside her head. 

“What the hell am I supposed to do now?” She starts crying on the ground, her hands covering her face. Her shoulders are shaking and so is the rest of her body. 

The walls she tried so hard to build? All gone. Broken as she cries on the ground about every single thing that she could and could not understand. 

An embrace follows. It’s warm. Minho had always been warm, but there’s something about his embrace that makes her shoulders stop from shaking. She hears his heart beating inside his chest, and it allows her to fall back into herself. Calming her down until she feels numb. 

“Come on, let’s get you home.” 

He drives her car and walks back to his place that’s not too far from hers. 

\ 

text to jung soojung: u miss me don’t u

text to jung soojung: i’ll be back soon

text to jung soojung: i’ve got like… 5 months left

text to jung soojung: don’t stress yourself out too much, you get ugly when you do

text to jung soojung: i miss you. see you soon. 

\

The break up happens quietly. Soojung and Jongin are just sitting on the couch of her apartment, with her hand in his. There’s no crying, because they both know what’s wrong with this relationship and why it’s not working anymore. Jongin’s smart enough to figure it out at the same time she did. 

So when she tells him that they’re starting to become the public’s property, he agrees and asks her if she wants to stop and to continue being just friends. Soojung finds herself nodding in agreement. They’ve always worked as friends. Maybe it’s better for them to just stay as friends instead of driving themselves insane by thinking just how genuine they’d have to be for the public to acknowledge that this is real. 

He apologizes to her for the harsh comment she received, and she tells him that it’s okay. That it’s never his fault that some people just think like that. She gives his hand a reassuring squeeze and smiles at him. This time, it’s genuine and rid of worry or paranoid thoughts about how they should prove themselves to the world.

“If I had it my way things wouldn’t turn out like this.” He speaks with so much regret that it tugs at the bottom of her stomach. 

“Me either. But what can we do… this is people like us deal with the consequences of our dreams.” Her smile doesn’t quite reach her eyes. 

She feels a sense of relief when he pulls her in for a hug before walking out the door. Maybe this is not the right time for him who’s only starting to peak, and for her who’s starting to fall. 

The article gets released three days after their breakup. Even with their breakup, they still owe it to the public. It annoys Soojung but it’s the lesser of all evils when it comes to dating an idol. At least it’s over, and she doesn’t owe the public anything else. There’s no reason for her to feel like she has to prove herself anymore. Because she really doesn’t have to, and she knows her worth enough to walk away from a relationship that takes too much from her. 

After the article gets released, her phone is bombarded with messages that she doesn’t bother to reply to. The only person she feels like she owes details to is Jessica, so she calls Jessica and explains everything. As for the rest of them, she doesn’t really feel like she’s in the mood to talk to anyone unless they go to her first. 

It’s the first time in ages that she feels relief. Actual relief. Because being friends with Jongin is better than thinking about every single aspect of their relationship instead of letting it flow normally. He understands, and he figures that it’s better for the both of them anyway. They’re truly at peace. 

However, at the back of her mind, she imagines herself in his place. It’s true that relationships between two opposite people are hard, but it’s even harder when her envy is in the picture. She stops herself from thinking about it further, because she’s not supposed to expect everything from SM anymore. The company has given her all that they can. Maybe it’s time she allows herself to be tossed at the side. 

Silence has been replaced by the repetitive ringing of her doorbell. The sound had been loud enough to make sure that she didn't think of anything else. She’d have to thank this person later for taking her out of her overthinking funk. 

“Amber you really don’t know how to- oh it’s you.” She stares at him across the doorway, her eyes staring straight into his. The girls and her sister are the only ones who ever visit her. He’s never as much as crossed the threshold of her apartment when he’s driving her home. She wonders what brings him here. Surely the breakup is not that big of a news for him to be this concerned about her, right? 

“What are you doing here?” None of them move. He’s just staring at her with his features scrunched up together, like he’s trying to figure her out, or maybe he’s concerned. Soojung doesn’t really know how to read him now. 

“You broke up?” He asks, and she finally allows him inside. But when she closes the door, he doesn’t move. Both of them stay rooted in their place, facing each other with confused stares. 

“Y-yeah. It seemed like the best move to take.” 

“Well are you okay?” 

“I’m fine, Minho. You really don’t have to worry about me.” 

He sighs and he pulls her into another tight embrace. It takes her aback, because she doesn’t really know what happened for him to pull her in like this, or to hug her. But she returns the hug anyway, because she knows that she’s been lacking comfort for days. 

“You know i’ll always worry about you.” He speaks, his voice low and concerned. She doesn’t even know she’s already crying until she feels a tear fall down. 

\ 

text to choi minho: i used your netflix account

text to choi minho: i can’t believe you haven’t watched any of my dramas!!

text to choi minho: i’m honestly going bat crazy here

text to choi minho: how dare u lie to me about watching all of them

\ 

Minho’s presence is constant. She shouldn’t really dwell much on this because an explanation is that they’re both from the same company, they see each other a lot and have trained together. It would be impossible to not know each other and to disregard each other if they’ve been in this as long as the other. But it’s still a mystery to her, how much they’ve managed to stay close over the years. 

Every single time she’s with him for something that involves the media, he makes sure that she’s well taken care of. Like when he fixed her arm band during the King of Idols back in 2011, or when he helped her back her belongings even before he packed his. Everyone in that shared house stared too long at them, maybe even whispering a few words to the person next to them with a smile on their face. 

“So… why did you pick me a while ago?” She asks when she’s sitting on her luggage. 

“Why wouldn’t I? We’ve always been a good pair.” He laughs as he zips up the luggage, and reaches his hand out to her when he finally stands. 

Soojung takes his hand, “Maybe we are a great team, yeah.” 

They sit next to each other in the plane going back to Seoul, and he carries her luggage for her while the company car picks up both her, Minho, and Jinki. 

“I’m sorry about your shoulder, by the way. Did I step too hard?” She asks when she’s waiting for Jessica to pick her up in front of the SM building. 

“You didn’t.” He smiles as he loads his stuff in the trunk of Jinki’s car. “You’re not that heavy, Soojung. Don’t sweat it.” 

But she doesn’t really get to say what she wants to when they finally drive away. She wants to ask him why he sang “Hello” that way, or why he repeatedly asked her if she was okay after that game in the pool, or why he genuinely looked nervous when she’s picking between him and Eunhyuk. 

(As if she’d pick Eunhyuk over him. Anyone who knows even a bit of Soojung’s working mind would know that she’d pick Minho without hesitation.) 

Years later, she doesn’t dwell too much on Minho’s acts of kindness. She just thinks of it as a part of his personality. But every now and then, she thinks of the way he stares at her sometimes, and how it lingers for a second too long. 

It happens when she asks him to run some lines with her when she’s practicing how to get her emotions across for the camera. It’s a scene she’s supposed to do with Gong Myung from 5urprise, and they’re going to shoot it tomorrow. Something about Mura consoling Biryeom about his past, and his guilt about the death of Momyeong. At the end of the scene, they kiss. 

They’re not supposed to be acting this out, but Minho insisted that Soojung acts it out while delivering the lines anyway. So it would feel more natural when she finally has to do it with Gong Myung. The idea is good though, she’ll have to give him that. But she’s never done any acting in front of him since she had to star in the Juliette music video. It’s awkward, in every way so to speak. 

When her words falter, he makes sure that he points it out. Even when her facial expressions contort into something else instead of the emotion she’s trying to portray, he tells her. Soon enough, it falls into a rhythm of her and him working together. He’s acting his part well enough for her to think that he might as well be Biryeom. 

“Don’t take my advice from now on. There’s always unintended consequences like this,” She thinks of herself as the high and mighty Lady Mura. The goddess who finally allows herself a little bit of softness for Biryeom who’d always been there. She pictures herself as someone confessing for the first time - even if it’s through the form of a consolation that barely has the words I love you, but it sounds the same anyway. 

“And…” She takes a deep breath because she’s not supposed to be looking at Minho this way. Not supposed to blur a make believe scenario and the reality. She feels her hand shaking, but she tucks it away behind her back because the proximity between them is close enough that he could feel it should her hands start to shake. 

“Just think of this as the greatest consolation I can give you.” The line is released and she finds herself looking at him with more soul than she’s ever looked at anyone before. She’s supposed to be Mura, sure of herself and completely firm in her gestures. Not Soojung who’s trembling as she looks at Minho in the eyes as she steps forward. 

This part is where Mura and Biryeom are supposed to kiss. It’s supposed to be the silent declaration of love and understanding between the two, the moment that establishes that they’re in it for the long run. But Soojung couldn’t find it in herself to think about this now, not when Minho is staring at her like that. Like there are galaxies in her eyes, just like how there are galaxies in his smile. He’s looking at her like he’s trying to dig for her soul beneath the layers and layers of walls that she built to keep herself safe. 

He’s looking at her the way Biryeom is supposed to look at Mura, and it lasts for seconds way too long. There’s a slight jumping in her chest that she ignores as she turns around to break the eye contact, hiding away her face as she knows what the familiar feeling of warmth in her cheeks meant. 

“Well d-did… I do that well?” Her voice is shaking, but she finds him staring at her still. 

They never talk about that again. Even when she’s already appeared in other dramas and when he’s getting ready for his enlistment to the marines. It’s unspoken of, and never to be explored. 

She hopes they never have to.

\

text to jung soojung: easy tiger

text to jung soojung: i don’t want to watch them after the first three episodes anymore

text to jung soojung: it’s too boring

text to jung soojung: jk

text to jung soojung: two months left

text to jung soojung: pick me up when i get discharged? 

\ 

2019 is the year of “no Minho”. It’s what she officially brands the year ever since he enlisted. The rest of the world is talking about how genuine he is when the company announced that he’s enlisting in the marines, but to Soojung it means he’s going to have to go away. It’s hard for Soojung to deal with distance, as phone calls and text messages really don’t do justice to the conversations she wants to have. But she’s going to have to deal with it. She’s just Jung Soojung, former idol, now actress who’s still miraculously famous even if she’s not as active as she once was. She will never be above the law. 

She films another reality show with her sister, and it’s mostly them travelling and dealing with each other overseas. While it’s basically a reality show, she finds herself acting for the cameras anyway. Exaggerating some of her movements, and making sure to put more effort into giving content rather than donning her usual habits of not doing much when she’s with her sister. 

Thankfully though, the cameras are not around as much as they are during Jessica and Krystal. The cameras come and go, and she and Sooyeon get enough breathing time without the cameras in front of their faces. 

Sooyeon broaches a topic that has never been discussed before while they’re having breakfast. Soojung’s food lay forgotten in front of her as she’d just started to write a reply to Minho’s text that came in just now. 

“When are you two going to stop dancing around each other in circles?” The question startles Soojung, but she manages to send the text message before she stares at her sister with hung open. 

Dancing around each other in circles? She couldn’t think of an instance where that’s happening. Besides, there’s no man in her life at the moment, so who the hell could Sooyeon be talking about right now? All she could do is to stare at her sister in mild disgust at the implication that she’s dating someone. 

“You idiot.” Her sister rolls her eyes at her and points the fork towards Soojung’s phone. “I’m talking about him. Mr. Marine, as they call him. You two have been circling each other for years since you two met. Sure you two have been friends before but don’t you think that line has been crossed ages ago?” 

Still, she doesn’t provide any reaction to Sooyeon’s words. Even if they’re already making more and more sense as she goes along. 

“Remember when you were nineteen and he’s twenty two?” Seventeen and twenty , Soojung corrects Sooyeon in her head. Still favoring the international age instead of lunar age.

“You two were in King of Idols and I swear to god I had Jinki feeding me every single information about what’s happening to you-” 

“You what?” Soojung half yells. This is a fact she doesn’t know. 

“Shut up and let me talk!” Sooyeon glares at her, and she relents. Leaning back on her chair and chewing away at small pieces of bread.

“He told me Minho chose you that final night, and you chose him too over Eunhyuk. But he also told me about you two behind the scenes, and I’m honestly surprised that you weren’t dating when I picked you up in front of the company. Also, remember when the news about you and Kai surfaced? He’s the first one to text me, asking me if you’re okay and if you’re holding up well. I couldn’t really say because you haven’t called me yet and I was overseas, so the guy offered to go to you. But even after that, nothing happened still. It’s quite exhausting watching you two like that.” 

Everything makes sense, if Soojung is to be completely honest. But she doesn’t want to admit to anything in front of Jessica. Not when the details are blurry, when lines are too confusing to know which ones are crossed. 

She remains quiet and allows her sister to ramble on and on about schedules and the new book she’s writing. 

\ 

text to choi minho: what’s it like serving in the marines?

text to choi minho: are they taking care of you? 

text to choi minho: do your fellow soldiers slip you pieces of food during lunch time?

text to choi minho: if they’re starving you let me know

text to choi minho: i’ll give them a piece of my mind 

\ 

The year of “no Minho” passes by quickly, but it’s replaced by something far more chaotic. The outbreak started last year in China and now it has reached Seoul. There are drive thru testing facilities everywhere, and masks are sold in every nook and cranny of the city. It’s overwhelming, to say the least. But Soojung practices social distancing all the time anyway, even without the outbreak. Too many people exhaust her. 

It’s a year of filming still, with the new drama where she gets to play as an elite officer in the military. She doesn’t really know jack about military terms or what they do in there, so she finds herself texting Minho, Kibum, and Jinki more than usual. It’s Minho who replies the most, but he’s mostly making fun of her instead of actually telling her . Kibum replies but not as much as she likes. She gets her information mostly from Jinki who had always been helpful since day one. 

But what catches her off guard is when Jinki asks her how things are going with Minho. Surely not everyone is thinking of the same thing right? 

The question leads her to seek out Sunyoung who’s been starring in musicals lately. The rest of the girls think that it’s probably Sunyoung’s destiny to become a star in the theatre. 

“I don’t get it, why is everyone asking me about Minho? Shouldn’t they all be asking his groupmates or something?” Soojung runs her fingers through her hair, remembering that it’s not just Jinki who did it. 

The other day while she’s walking in the company, ready to talk to the CEO, Yerim asks her if Minho has been texting her back. When Soojung nods in response, Yerim lets out a squeal and immediately runs off to Seulgi at the other end of the hallway. The two girls giggle and wave before disappearing in a practice room. Within the same day,  Suho asks her to send a message to Minho for him. It’s nothing big, just asking Minho if the marines is a recommendable place to enlist in. Safe to say Soojung had been confused throughout the whole day. 

“You’re asking me? Who’s very clearly not in SM anymore?” Sunyoung laughs as she switches the channel on Soojung’s TV. 

Soojung huffs in frustration. Because surely Sunyoung would have some input too, right? She just left last year. 

“Well if you really want to know it’s just that you two have always been so close. Everyone knows that the spot on the rooftop had always been your spot and his, so everyone just tries to not go there. Before you and Jongin got together, people were placing bets on when you and Minho would get together because they all caught on to the stares and the eye contact and the connection between you two. If you were an outsider looking at everything, it’s easy to think that there’s something going on between the two of you too.” 

Sunyoung words it in a much more… general manner. The way she’d expect to hear it from someone who’s more level-headed than she is, and would know how to explain it to Soojung without freaking her out entirely. 

It’s been a year since they performed together in Tokyo, and longer since they last performed as a whole group. This used to be a hard pill for Soojung to swallow, but now she feels like this is all right. After all, they all grew up in this company, sold themselves to the general public to gain fame and recognition during the years where they’re supposed to have normal lives. They were told what to do, what to say, who to talk to, how to make connections all throughout their lives that it would only make sense to get the upperhand in what they are doing. 

When Sunyoung smiles as she shows Soojung a picture of f(x) back in 2011, Soojung finally accepts things for how they are. She’s not being left behind. They’re just figuring themselves out the way they want to, without the limitations of their company. 

“I miss you, I miss us.” Sunyoung sighs, but with a smile as she collects her things and gets ready to leave. “We truly had the glory days of our lives as teenagers didn’t we?” There’s an earnest smile on her face which warms Soojung’s heart. 

“We really did. Do you still… want to be f(x)?” Soojung asks. 

“I’m always a part of f(x). But that’s the thing, I’ve always been Luna of f(x) and never someone else. I think I just really want to see how things would go my way, you know?” 

And Soojung understands this. In fact, she thinks it’s what she’s doing as well. 

When Sunyoung finally leaves, Soojung takes her time thinking about things. First she thinks of her attachment towards her old group, and her group mates. Today is proof that Sunyoung isn’t sick of her, that she would never be sick of her. But she also thinks that sometimes, people have to branch out, to take matters into their own hands instead of sticking to the same old routine with the same old people. 

Spending twenty four hours a day with the same bunch of people seven days a week really is something that can get exhausting and tiring. It’s where the need of space comes from, and to her and the rest of the girls, space comes in the form of an indefinite hiatus as a group and slowly figuring out who they are without each other. Before, this was such a hard concept to grasp. But as time goes by and Soojung finds herself growing, she realizes that everything happens for a reason. 

Soon enough, her thoughts wander off to Choi Minho. It’s true that they have this form of connection with each other that’s deeper than any other she’s formed, but was it really that obvious? Soojung would never deny that he makes her heart skip a beat, or that she misses him badly every time he’s gone, or that she feels his presence lingering in every place they’ve been, or that she thinks of him in the most mundane of moments. But is she really ready to admit to things?

If this is love, then it’s strange. Because it’s not the way they describe it all to be, not the whole butterflies in stomach or feeling love sick. Soojung feels warmth and comfort from him. Misses him in a wholesome way where she finds herself counting down the days to his return. If this is love, then she’ll have to admit that this is the first time she’s ever felt it. 

\

text to jung soojung: one of the members of my squad asked me if i knew you in person

text to jung soojung: they asked me to give you this love letter too

text to jung soojung: why must you capture the hearts of every single man in korea? 

\ 

She finally acknowledges that she loves him. It doesn’t happen poetically, nor does it happen in a pseudo eureka kind of moment. It just happens in silence when she’s looking at the last selfie she took with him before his enlistment. 

The way she sends him off is quiet and lowkey. On the rooftop of the company at three am with cans of beer and dried squid on the floor. They talk about mundane things, as opposed to speaking about the looming event of his enlistment. 

It ends like this though. 

“Please tell me you’re going to be alright, and that you’re going to take care of yourself.” She laced her fingers with his as she leans on his shoulder. 

“I promise I’ll be fine.” He’s rubbing circles on her hand with his thumb, it’s soothing and it makes her forget that he’ll be gone for too long. 

“Text me often?” She looks up at him and she sees the stars in his eyes. 

“I will. Wait for me to get out, yeah?” He asks, his eyes fixed on hers as well. 

When Soojung nods, he smiles at her and she swears she could see galaxies and all things beautiful in his smile. She dreads the moment that she’ll have to let go of his hand, because when she does, he wouldn’t be around for too long. Probably even longer than the times he wasn’t around during their thirteen years of friendship. 

Looking at it now, Soojung thinks that it’s been crystal clear to her since then. It just took her awhile to admit that she is, in fact, in love with Choi Minho. 

\

text to choi minho: i’m already outside

text to choi minho: ARE U BEING DISCHARGED OR WHAT?

text to jung soojung: calm down i’m on my way. 

text to jung soojung: can’t wait to see you again

\

She launches herself into his arms the moment he emerges from the gates. The men guarding the gates are surprised though, when they see her running towards Minho and pulling him into a tight hug as soon as she sees him. Minho drops his belongings, pulls her tighter as he lifts her feet off the ground. 

“I missed you.” She tells him, her voice shaking as she’s on the verge of crying tears of joy. Nothing prepared her for this moment of reunion between the two of them, even if she imagined the scenario all the time inside her head. 

“I missed you too, Soojung.” He finally sets her down and he smiles at her. The first time she’s seen his smile in person since the enlistment. 

Minho insists that he’s the one who should drive instead of her. That it must have tired her out when she drove the long distance just to pick him up, but she really couldn’t care less, what matters is that he’s there and that she’s with him. 

She makes him pull over at the road where there’s an ocean beside them, makes him step out of the car to join her in the deserted beach. It’s peaceful out here, with just the wind and the waves instead of the usual bustling in the city of Seoul. 

“You asked me to wait for you,” Soojung begins, pulling her knees to her chest and sinking her feet in the sand. “What did you mean by then?” 

This time, it’s her who looks at him first. She looks at him long enough to see how he changed. How his features became tougher yet soft at the same time. How he holds a sterner look to him, but still so approachable at the same time. She takes note of his face, how there are no changes to his features, just different in the way he expresses himself. He’s beautiful, she thinks. 

“I just needed you to wait for me so I could ask you something. It’s… really a question I couldn’t ask before the enlistment. It would be too much for you if I asked you right then and there.” The smile on his face is as soft as ever. Soojung finds herself moving closer to him. 

“Are you going to finally ask me out now or what?” Her heart is beating wildly as she asks him the question out of the blue. She waited long enough. She took her time realizing everything and coming to terms with herself. If there would be a right time, that time is now. 

He blinks as he looks at her, his smile fading away only for him to move closer to her. “Are you seriously asking me this question? Of course I’m going to ask you out now. Don’t beat me to it.” His laughter is filled with mirth, glowing in the light of the setting sun. 

“I’m sorry I just… I couldn’t really delay it. We did circle each other enough throughout all the years.” She takes his hand in hers and places his arm around her shoulder. The years of circling each other were all worth it anyway. Because here she is, the Soojung who’s more assured, the Soojung who knows herself better than she did, and the Soojung who is ready to brave things like love. 

“I love you, Soojung. Always have.” 

“I love you too, Minho. Always have.” 

She kisses him for the first time. Somewhere in the distance, they hear the sound of fireworks. 

\

text to jung sooyeon: so, i guess i have a boyfriend now

text to jung sooyeon: his name is choi minho, you probably know him

text from jung sooyeon: took you long enough