Chapter 4

City Never Sleeps

The second time they met was at a party too. It was an afterparty to a music show. Seulgi had wanted nothing more than to decline and go back to their apartment but Sooyoung and Yerim really wanted to go, and it had only taken two pouty lips and a lot of pleading for Seulgi’s resolve to crumble down to ashes.

It wasn’t really a party, but Seulgi hadn’t ever really been to any parties, except for birthday parties when she was really, really young, so she didn’t know the difference between a party and a formal event. Since the only other party she had gone to was SM’s birthday party a month earlier, she had already decided that parties weren’t her thing. Oh, how she’d change her mind when Irene would show her what partying was really like.

The event in question was more a gathering of some sorts. All the artists from the music show cramped together in a giant space in the building of the music show. There were waiters going round with glasses of champagne and orange juice, and there was a soft melody playing through the speakers. The people were standing in small circles around little tables sipping their champagne and speaking softly to each other.

She, Seungwan, Yerim and Sooyoung were standing around one of those tables. Seungwan, Sooyoung and her with a glass of champagne in hand, and Yerim with a glass of orange juice. The youngest had almost put up a fight when she was forced to drink juice, saying it was embarrassing and she wanted to drink alcohol like all the other adults. But she was still not of age, and Seungwan had shaken her head adamantly and pressed the glass of juice in her hand.

Now the issue fortunately seemed forgotten, seeing as Yerim was happily sipping her drink while talking in hushed whispers about some y actor to Sooyoung. Seulgi grimaced when they were not-so-subtly staring at the guy in question. She quickly placed her champagne down on the table and excused herself for a toilet break.

Till this day she’s still not sure why Irene was there or who had invited her, but she guesses being Korea’s resident it-girl means access to all kinds of formalities and parties. Anyways, what matters is that she was there, because Seulgi bumped into her on her way out of the toilets.

The older woman was leaning against the wall of the hallway, smiling at Seulgi over her glass of champagne. ‘So,’ she said, ‘we meet again.’

Seulgi blushed and awkwardly smiled back and bowed as deep as she could. ‘Ms. Bae, hello. Pleasure to see you again.’

‘No need to be so formal,’ Irene snorted. ‘Anyways, this party is kind of boring, want to go upstairs with me?’

Seulgi almost choked on her own saliva. ‘Upstairs? What’s upstairs?’

‘You’ll see,’ the actress said, winking at her. ‘It’s a secret.’ Then she took Seulgi’s hand in her own and pulled her in the opposite direction of the party, to a stairways hidden behind two heavy double doors.

‘Are we even allowed to go upstairs?’ she asked, but the only answer she received was a little giggle. Seulgi really prayed she wouldn’t get in trouble for this. Her manager would kill her if she did, and if he didn’t Seungwan probably would.

They passed through never-ending hallways with so many doors and turns and somehow Irene seemed to perfectly know where they were going. She had obviously been there before. Seulgi wanted to ask when and why, but Irene was still holding her hand and she was too shy to.

They finally stopped when they reached a balcony overlooking night-time Seoul. It was a clear night and the sky was painted with stars and together with all the little lights down in Seoul the scenery was breathtaking. Seulgi gasped when she set foot on the balcony and overlooked it all. She wanted to take a picture with her phone but was afraid Irene would laugh at her.

‘I love the sky,’ Irene said. Her voice was soft and honest and something about that statement sounded so vulnerable and Seulgi turned to her wide-eyed and speechless. Irene smiled and offered her some champagne. Seulgi had no idea where she even got the bottle from. She accepted more out of politeness than anything else and watched as Irene filled her a crystal glass.

Then the older woman sat down on the concrete of the balcony and Seulgi almost choked on her champagne. There was something so bizarre about Bae Irene, Korea’s resident it-girl, sitting down on the floor beside her. She patted the space beside her and Seulgi quickly sat down next to her. They sat there for a few minutes, neither saying a word, both just sipping their champagne and enjoying the view. Surprisingly, the quiet was comforting rather than awkward.

‘So,’ Irene asked her after a while of sitting there in silence. ‘How is it?’

‘How is what?’

She glanced at Seulgi and took a sip of champagne. ‘Being and idol,’ she said.

‘What do you mean?’

‘How do you like it, being an idol? Is it what you expected?’

For a moment she considered lying and telling her all of the practiced lies and studied lines. How grateful she is and how she’ll work even harder in the future. All the things she had to tell countless of journalists and MCs. Then she thought about how she was sitting here on a balcony next to Irene Bae, the one and only, and how this was probably a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity and threw that thought out of the window almost immediately.

‘It’s different than what I thought it would be,’ she said.

‘How?’

She shrugs. ‘I’m not sure. I just didn’t really think about all the negative things that come with it.’ She took a sip of her champagne too and looked at all the stars and the moon. ‘Don’t get me wrong, the feeling of performing on a stage in front of a real audience is irreplaceable. It’s all I’ve ever dreamt about, all I’ve ever wanted. And when they cheer for you and scream your name, woah, I get goosebumps all the time, really-’

‘But?’

Seulgi sighed. ‘But all the other stuff I hadn’t really thought about. They expect you to be so perfect all the time, and I- I’m just not.’

‘Nobody is,’ Irene supplied.

‘I know,’ Seulgi said. ‘Sometimes it just feels like I’m suffocating. There are always so many cameras and everyone always needs to know what I’m doing or how I’m feeling. I can’t mess up even once, or it’ll be all over the newspapers, and that’s so pressuring and sometimes it makes me feel really overwhelmed.’

Irene stared at her for a while, sipping her champagne and smiling a little smile, soft and a tad sad. The stars lit her face in such a way that was both breathtaking and unreal. Seulgi swallowed some more champagne and fought the blush rising to her cheeks.

‘Do you regret it?’ Irene asked after a while.

Seulgi looked at her and then chuckled softly. ‘I can’t afford to,’ she said, completely honest. ‘I’ve trained for this since I was nine. I sacrificed so many things for my dream. If I were to give up now, everything would be wasted. I wouldn’t ever be able to look myself in the eye anymore, I think.’ She gulped when she noticed the intense way Irene was staring at her and distracted herself with more rambling. ‘Besides, like I already said, the moment I get up on stage and perform, I know everything is worth it. I can’t really explain it, but it’s like a sense of belonging.’

Irene smiled softly at her and then finally averted her gaze. ‘I know what you mean,’ she said ‘about not being able to regret it. I got my first acting roll when I was seven. My parents made the decision for me. I wasn’t even good at acting then, I was just pretty enough.’ She chuckled. ‘Sometimes I still wonder if it’s really what I want, but then I think about everything I’ve thrown away for this. My youth, a chance at a normal life, love. If I were to regret it now, it’d mean I threw away twenty years of my life for nothing.’

Seulgi stared at her with half-opened and her eyes wide. It was completely crazy. This was Irene Bae, a legend in her country, a goddess almost. The same girl she had watched crying on her TV, the same girl that thousands and thousands of people watched on their TV daily. And this woman had just told Seulgi, a mere stranger, all of her worries and troubles. She felt as if this was all a crazy dream and she could wake up any moment now. But it wasn’t a dream and she never woke up either.

‘You know what,’ Irene said then. ‘I just had a crazy idea. I’m going to take you to a party.’

‘Oh,’ Seulgi said. ‘Parties aren’t really my thing though.’ She gestured around her, to the building they were in right now, where Seungwan and Yerim and Sooyoung were still downstairs, at the actual party.

Irene showed her a smile so dangerously promising and said, ‘Oh, Seulgi, You’ve never even seen a real party.’

Seulgi pretended the flush on her cheeks was from the champagne and not from the playful lights flickering in Irene’s eyes. 

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Irene in the reflection of her wine-glass, shimmering and sizzling. Red wine and red lips.

Seulgi smiles and Irene smiles and they dance and dance and dance. Barefoot on the carpet. Cherry Blossom Perfume and cherry lips.

Then it’s kissing, on her lips and on her collarbones and on that little sensitive spot on her hipbone and then even lower. Irene’s mouth is hot against her skin and her nails are harsh where they grip her hips. All Seulgi can do is throw her head back against the pillows and tangle her fingers in those raven locks. She pleads, but she’s not sure for what.

When she comes she always cries. Seulgi’s not even sure why, but she can’t stop it either, so she just relishes in the way Irene wipes her cheeks dry with the pad of her thumb afterwards and kisses her eyelids. ‘I’m sorry,’ the actress whispers against the side of her face. ‘I’m so sorry, Seulgi.’

It does nothing to stop her tears from falling and Irene knows that too by now, yet she keeps saying it every night. Seulgi isn’t even sure what exactly she is sorry for, and she thinks Irene isn’t either, but they both know this whole thing is tearing her apart.

Then Irene turns around and falls asleep. Seulgi doesn’t, not until it’s after five already. She lies there and watches the porcelain skin of Irene’s back, tracing words and little drawings onto it. Wishing for things she cannot, can never, have. Things like sleeping In Irene’s embrace and burying her nose in her hair and drowning in her smell.

In these moments she always wishes time could stop so the morning wouldn’t ever have to come.

It’s been like that every night with Irene for the past three weeks. The time they spend downstairs in the bar becomes shorter and shorter, and the time they spend curled up in between the sheets longer and longer. Seulgi learns all the spots that make Irene sigh and all the spots that make her scream, and everything would be so perfect, if it weren’t for the morning.

Because in the morning Irene is cold and harsh and doesn’t look Seulgi in the eyes. In the morning Seulgi pulls her clothes back on silently and swallows all her tears and anger and hurt. The hotel is always silent when she leaves and even Irene’s driver doesn’t meet Seulgi’s gaze in the rearview-mirror.

Seoul never sleeps, but it seems even the city pities her, for on those mornings it’s always quiet outside.

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