I will always remember the night he left. It started out pleasant. He took me to a movie and we had dinner at a nice restaurant. We had been having problems in our relationship, and I thought this was his way of making it up. He gave me small smiles and made polite conversation. I'm naturally a quiet person, but Luhan was not. Before Luhan would always fill the silence with his stories and his laughter. I always admired listening to his sweet voice. But that night I knew something was wrong. He was unusually quiet and he avoided staring directly at me. In order to save the night, I did my best to make conversation, which on my part was extremely difficult. I did my best to talk about my day, even though I knew that he probably didn’t even care.

Halfway through dinner, I stopped talking. I had run out of things to say. Without either of our voices, the air grew tense. The silence seemed awkward and unnatural. Lately, that's how all of our conversations ended up. Before, Luhan and I had always been comfortable around each other, even without words. I remember thinking at that moment, what happened to us? I opened my mouth to speak, but he beat me to it.

"Minseok, there's something I have to tell you." I gave him a concerned but clearly confused face and nodded for him to go on. He seemed like he was battling himself inside his head. Clearly, he knew that whatever he was about to say would affect me. I reached for his hand to give him some reassurance but he pulled his hand back before I even touched him. Before I even had the chance to be hurt by his actions, he spoke again. I will never forget the next few words that came out of his mouth that night.

"I've been cheating on you."

I honestly can't tell you what my immediate reaction was. Anger? Yes. Sadness? Definitely. Jealousy? Maybe, but I had always been insecure. There were so many feelings going through my body. I remember feeling dizzy and I couldn’t concentrate. It felt like I was feeling everything all at once, and then all of a sudden, there was nothing. All the emotions must have been there, but I couldn’t feel anything. There was nothing but numbness. I could’ve reacted in so many ways but all I remember doing was staring at him.

I had been suspicious, especially during the month prior. Whenever we had an argument he would disappear and come back in the morning looking close to tears. He would wrap his arms around me and whisper apologies; at the time, I thought it was him apologizing for what he said, but now I realize he was apologizing for his actions.

I don’t know how long we sat there. Him waiting for my reaction, and I just thinking of what to say. I knew he was waiting for me. The silence must have been killing him because a few moments later, he said, “Well? Aren’t you going to say anything?”

“What do you want me to say?”

“Minseok, a-are you serious? I just told you something that could ruin our relationship, and you’re not gonna say anything? Don’t you feel anything?”

“Of course I do!”

“Then what? TELL ME.”

“What should I say?”

“Argh. Minseok! Tell me you’re angry. Scream at me. Tell me you hate me! Cry! Laugh! DO ANYTHING. Tell me how you feel! I can’t tell you what to say because I want to know what YOU say. Not what I want to hear, not what anyone else says!”

“I can’t do that.”

He looked extremely frustrated with me. “What do you mean you can’t do it? You can’t tell me your feelings? Don’t you feel anything for me?”

“You know that I do.”

“Then tell me! I need to know.”

“Luhan I care about you.”

“No! That’s not what I meant! You can’t say just say that! I just broke your heart! You can’t just act like I didn’t just tell you that!”

“I just don’t know what to do say now. I’m sorry Lu.”

“Why are you sorry?”

“I don’t know. I just feel like I have to say it.”

“Don’t say sorry just because you feel like you HAVE to say it. You have to mean it too.” And that was the end of it. I couldn’t think of what else to say, or how to make the situation better. So, I said nothing. Luhan waited for me to respond but I couldn’t look him in the eye.

I would give anything to rewind that conversation. I know deep in my heart that everything I said that night was a mistake. It was too late to change it now. I should have said something afterwards but I honestly didn’t know what to say at the time. I didn’t even know what to feel. I felt awful for leaving the conversation like that, but I just needed more time to think it through. Sort out my thoughts and feelings.

We sat in silence for a few minutes. With our appetite long gone, the dinner on our plates turned cold in front of us. It was obvious the dinner was over. The waiter came by to check on us, and I asked for the check. He noticed that our food was practically untouched and he asked if the food was not to our liking. I reassured him that the food was fine and we were simply not as hungry as we thought we were.

Out of the corner of my eye I could see that Luhan was watching me. I tried not to make eye contact. Once the waiter was gone I cleared my throat and said, “Let’s go home now.”

He nodded in response and started putting his jacket back on. He was silent as we left the restaurant and walked back to the car garage. Our footsteps echoed as the silence between us grew. Every sound was magnified- from the beeping of the car unlocking to the sound of the engine as it hummed to life. Luhan the car radio as soon as we got inside, and that was when I knew that he didn’t want to talk about it.

The tension in the air between us was almost suffocating. I had no idea when it had become like this. It brought tears to my eyes, which is new for me. Luhan knows that I don’t cry often, so I tried to hide it by looking towards the window. When we reached our apartment building, I practically ran inside and locked myself in the bathroom. I the shower and sat on the floor with my back against the bathroom wall. I didn’t even care that I let the water run. I just knew that I couldn’t face Luhan at that moment. So many thoughts raced into my mind as I stepped into the shower.

We’ve had plenty of fights before. We can handle that. But this was more than a fight. This was the make or break part of our relationship. When did we get to this point? How did we get here? Did Luhan not love me anymore? Who did he cheat with? Does he love them? But he didn’t break up with me, right? Is there any hope for us?

It was not long before I realized that the water temperature was close to boiling. My skin had turned red as I had scrubbed it raw. I slowly turned off the water and stepped out of the shower. As I dried my skin off I faced myself in the mirror. I knew that I would have to face Luhan soon but I couldn’t bring myself to do it just yet. I took my time in the bathroom, looking for any excuse to avoid the tension outside. I put my clothes on as slowly as I could. And after about an hour in the bathroom, I finally stepped out.

He wasn’t in the bedroom like I had expected him to be. I stepped out into the hallway and heard the TV. I walked towards the living room and stopped when I saw him. He was slumped in his seat. Hair was disheveled, clothes were a mess. It was obvious that he was stressing while I was in the shower.

I carefully took a seat on the opposite side of the sofa. I avoided making eye contact with him. I was afraid to break the silence, but it was obvious that he was not going to be the first one to talk. I knew that we had to say something. So, I asked him the first thing that came to my mind.

“I really am sorry Luhan, about how I reacted earlier. You know that I care about you, right?” He nodded his head, but he still didn’t speak. So, I continued, “I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to you after you tell me that. I barely had time to process it. Please. Can we just let it go for tonight? Let me sleep on it. We can talk in the morning.”

Luhan nodded but didn’t say anything. We sat in silence for a few moments. The silence was suffocating. There was nothing more to be said tonight. It was getting late so I got up from the couch and headed into our shared bedroom. I felt him follow me but he remained silent. Once I reached the bedroom I climbed directly into bed. I watched as he locked himself in the bathroom.

I remember laying in bed just waiting for him. I didn’t want to sleep yet; my mind wasn’t ready to go to sleep. I stared up at the ceiling just contemplating everything that had happened that night. I heard the sound of the water turning on. As Luhan showered, I thought about my reaction to his confession. I went over the different ways that scene could’ve turned out, but none of them felt right. It’s not like I wasn’t feeling anything, there was just too many emotions to sort out what I really wanted to say to him. If I had cried or screamed, Luhan would’ve been embarrassed at the restaurant. If I had gotten mad, it could’ve made me say things I didn’t mean to. I cared about him so much that I was mostly just afraid of losing him. Maybe I had already lost him.

After what felt like forever, Luhan finally came out of the bathroom. I turned away from him so that I couldn’t see his face. Maybe that was a mistake too. He probably thought that I was asleep. I heard him sigh and walk over to turn off the lights. I felt him as he lay down next to me in the bed.

It didn’t feel right to go to sleep at this moment, so I turned to face him in bed. I needed to say something to him. Anything at all. “Good night, Luhan.”

He turned away from me in response. Hurt, I turned away too. We laid there in bed, facing opposite ways. We were inches apart but it felt like we were miles away. I knew sleep wouldn’t come to me that night.

The room was pitch black and all you could hear was the sound of our breathing. I could tell that Luhan was still awake too. The sound of his snores never reached my ears that night. We both lay there, probably thinking about the same things.

I wondered what I would say to him in the morning. There were so many questions that I wanted to ask, and the emotions that were all jumbled up inside of me were finally becoming clear. First and foremost, I was mad. Even though I had suspected it, it’s different knowing that he had actually cheated on me. He came back home to me after he had been with someone else. I was also sad. This was obvious of course because the person I had trusted most betrayed me. He lied to me and broke my heart. But I was also jealous. Jealous that someone else had taken Luhan away from me. Jealous that someone had caused him to treat me this way. He knew about my insecurities, so how could he break my trust like that? I also needed to know who it was that Luhan had cheated on me with. What did they have that I didn’t? If Luhan liked them so much why didn’t he just leave me and be with them?

Strangely, in a twisted way, this thought gave me a small amount of hope and happiness. Luhan obviously stilled cared about me, otherwise he wouldn’t come back to me. If he didn’t care, he would’ve left a long time ago. I was also happy that my suspicions were confirmed.

But the thing that haunted me the most was why? Why did he cheat on me? Was I not good enough anymore? Were we really arguing that much now? Everything seemed fine, at least, I thought it was fine. Where do we go from here? I still love Luhan, but it doesn’t feel right to just continue on as normal. It hurts to look at him, and I don’t know how long it will take me to get over this. I don’t know how this is supposed to go. Do we talk and make up, pretend like it never happened? Do we take a break? Or is this where we break up? As much as he hurt me, I don’t want to lose him.

And then it happened.

He had waited until he thought I was asleep and then I felt him get out of bed. A quick glance at the clock told me that it was late. It wasn't uncommon for him to get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, so I tried to ignore him at first. But instead of going to the door like I expected him to, he walked to our shared closet. I wondered what he could possibly be doing in there that couldn't wait until the morning, but I said nothing.

I watched as he changed his clothes. This was highly unusual to me, but I thought maybe he wanted to take a walk to clear his mind. But I grew increasingly worried as he also pulled out the duffel bag that he usually uses for overseas trips. I watched as he carefully zipped it open, afraid he would wake me. Little did he know I was already awake. He used his cell phone as a flashlight and started picking out clothes.

I watched his shadowy figure as he silently packed his bag. I could hear the fabrics moving around as he stuffed his bag full of clothes. I finally realized that Luhan must have been planning to leave. But where? I thought.

I listened as he finished packing his bag. He zipped it up slowly, and I watched his head turn towards me. He didn’t see that I was already awake. He walked towards my side of the bed. I closed my eyes as he approached me. He brushed my hair to the side, and placed a gentle kiss on my forehead. It felt so natural, it almost brought my worries to rest.

After standing there for another moment, he grabbed the duffel bag that he just packed and walked to his side of the bed. He sat down on the bed again. He didn’t do anything- he wasn’t on his phone, he wasn’t looking at me, he wasn’t saying anything. I didn’t know what to think of his strange behavior. Was he packing to go stay somewhere else for a while? Maybe he thought we needed space. Did he need to leave right now? He said we could talk in the morning. I had so many questions, but I didn’t know if I had the courage to voice them out to him.

Finally, after what seemed like forever, Luhan slowly rose from his seated position on the bed, and I heard him pick up his duffel bag. I watched in the darkness as he walked towards the bedroom door opened it. He stepped through the doorway, and without looking back, closed the door behind him.

Every single action seemed like it was happening in slow motion, but it couldn’t have taken more than a few seconds. The reality of what Luhan was doing just hit me as I heard the door shut. He’s leaving me. I sat up in bed as soon as I realized what he was doing.

I listened as his footsteps faded as he walked down the hall. I don’t know why I hesitated to follow him right away, but I stood up and opened the door to our bedroom and stepped out into the hallway. I the lights, and that’s when I saw that Luhan was already at the front door. He had his shoes on and his hand was on the doorknob.

“Where are you going, Luhan?” I asked as I slowly started walking towards him.

He hesitated before answering me, “I don’t know. Wherever I feel like.”

“When are you coming back?”

There was a long moment of silence before he answered me. He hadn’t moved from his spot near the door. His hand slowly left the doorknob as he turned to face me fully. For the first time since the restaurant, he met my eyes. I’ll never forget that look in his eyes. There was nothing but hurt and sadness. And then he opened his lips, “Would you even want me to come back?”

“What are you talking about? I don’t even want you to leave in the first place!”

“That’s surprising,” he muttered under his breath.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?”

“It doesn’t seem like you care anymore Minseok. These past few months, it’s felt like you don’t care about me, about us! Tonight, I told you I was cheating on you! Most people would be angry with their boyfriends tell them that they are cheating on them. But you did NOTHING! Absolutely nothing!”

“I told you I needed time to process. You said we could talk in the morning!”

I must’ve made a good point because he fell silent. He couldn’t say anything to me. I knew that it was my only chance to fix this. I tried to calm down and reason with him.

“Luhan, you haven’t given me a chance to tell you how I felt about all of this. When you told me at the restaurant, I was still processing all of my thoughts and feelings.”

“Why do you have to think about your feelings? That’s why they’re called feelings, Minseok! You don’t think, just feel!”

“That’s not fair Luhan. You can’t just drop that on me in the middle of dinner and expect me to give you a cohesive response. I was caught off guard and you haven’t given me a chance to sort myself out.”

“I don’t care if your response is cohesive! I told you because I felt so guilty about it that it was eating me alive! I wasn’t expecting you to forgive me or anything but I was expecting literally anything else. You could have cried, or screamed or laughed in my face. You sat there with no emotions Minseok. It made me feel like what I did, didn’t matter to you.”

“Of course, it mattered to me Lu! You hurt me! More than you will ever know! But there was so much going through my head, that I couldn’t think straight! And I tried to tell you that I needed time to process it. Don’t you want to hear what I have to say?”

“Then tell me. Right now, tell me exactly how you feel about me cheating on you.”

I hesitated. I didn’t know if yelling at him about this was going to help. “I don’t know Luhan. You haven’t given me a chance to think. This has happened so fast-“

“Time to think? Wasn’t that what you were doing the rest of the time when we were at the restaurant? Wasn’t that what you were doing in the car ride home? Or while you were in the shower? Or laying in bed? You could’ve said anything during those times, but you just kept silent the entire time! I couldn’t tell if you were mad or sad or what! Minseok, you’re supposed to be able to tell me these things! What kind of a couple are we if you can’t tell me how you feel?”

“So, were you really just going to leave like this? With no notice? Were you not going to give me a chance to explain myself, or tell you how I feel? I’m telling you Luhan, please, just give it some time. In the morning we can talk it out. Maybe we can go to counseling to work this out or maybe-”

“Stop Minseok,” he said with tears beginning to fall down his face. “I-…. I can’t live like this anymore. I love you so much that it hurts. But our relationship, hasn’t been the same. Can’t you see that? It feels like I’ve been trying to save something that’s already died. I am literally about to walk out this door. And I don’t expect to ever see you again. I’m done. I give up.”

“Give up on what?”

“On us. If you don’t want me to leave, then do it. Say something. Anything. Because I am literally giving up on you. On us. On everything we had. And you are the only one who can stop me. So, do it. Convince me to stay.”

I don’t remember exactly when I started crying, but at this point tears were rolling down my face too. “Luhan, please. Stay.”

“Why should I?”

I thought about all of the memories that we had together. From the day we met and even up until this moment, Luhan was the most beautiful person I had ever seen. Both inside and out. We were young when we started dating, but I knew from the moment he asked me out that he was going to be part of my life forever. He was always the reason why I smiled everyday and being with him made me a better person. He’s the person who taught me how to love. Our relationship was never perfect, but I really thought that we could face any challenge together.

I thought about how the last few months had gone, and asked myself where we went wrong. As I looked into his tear-filled eyes, I saw the life that we should have had together; a life where this was just a bump in the road, and we grow old together, making so many more memories. With a shaky voice I replied, “Because of everything we have together.”

He turned away from me and wiped his tears. “I don’t think that’s enough for me anymore.”

And he opened the door and walked away. Away from our apartment, away from any future we had together, and away from me.