Jk

K could not believe it, but he was seeing it at that precise moment, why? Why should he be seeing those images in the middle of the kitchen and with half a squad watching ... He could not make any gesture, He should not show any emotion or it would come a tidal wave above him. However, his poor soul suffered, and if his companions had paid any attention to his eyes they would have noticed too, he would be lost and cornered like a little cat in front of a gigantic broom.

K had seen other videos of him in the past few months, many, eager to hear from him. In the former he looked happy, calm, healthy, but in the latter he began to notice a certain deterioration, especially in this last video, in which he mentioned missing him a lot. Things out there were not easy for J, K knew, the tremendous pressure to which he was exposed every day, with endless work schedules, unable to rest or see family and friends, unable to go out to sunbathe or to a park because everyone would recognize him, but mainly, because they would never let him be free until the end of the contract. Anyway K would never have imagined that the boy would be in such a bad condition; see him haggard, very skinny, tired, his eyes sad and teary, telling seven million people that he was not as strong as they believed and that he would work in his mental state to overcome and get ahead, and at the same time see that his body contradicted the latter. K couldn't stand it anymore, he could with bad times, strenuous exercises, military discipline, not seeing the family for more than two years, but he couldn't look at that ghost on a cell phone screen, he couldn't see it. That face, those eyes, everything in J seemed to scream inside, seemed to be desperate for someone to hear it, and yet K knew that he could do nothing, that it was impossible to go see him, that he did not own his life. At that moment K was no longer thinking, he was no longer breathing normally, he felt his pulse speed up and his heart raged, he felt a cold sweat down his neck and a terrible desire to run. He had to get out of there, he had to get to J fast, even if they didn't let him do it, he had to go, to tell him that everything would be fine, that he was strong, that he was brave, that he was not alone, that he had never been and that he never would be alone because K was part of him, always had been.

K could not have chosen a better time and date to go up to the apartment; tuesday morning, the deserted street, the sleeping tenants, just a cap and a lot of patience to reach the elevator in silence, without making any fuss. He had the new door key on a paper in his jacket pocket, it had taken a couple of calls to get it, and the hand that squeezed the paper was sweating so much that he was afraid it would erase its content; it was too much, so much anxiety flooded his senses, he was afraid, afraid of arriving and not finding him, or finding him and that nothing would wake him up. He didn't want to, but the images came to his head, news, after news, they all ended up the same, another talented beautiful young girl, another one, now a handsome boy with a lifetime ahead, all deceived, depressed, with no one to help, all at home, alone, tired, connecting with millions of netizens and with no one at the same time, all within reach of pills or colored ropes as the only companions to the nothing. He turned away those photographs that appeared in his mind as flashes and said, no, J no, he is strong, he has a great family and friends who love him, and he has me ... but what if he thinks that it is not so?, that I do not remember him?, his look, his voice in that video ... No, please, he can't, he can't do it, he can't, he can't ... what would become of me without him? ..., I couldn't, no .. So many memories came to his mind, there was not one in his life, sad or happy, without the presence of J, without his smile or his gaze, without his voice, his warm embrace. What would he do without him, nothing, surely nothing, would leave everything and go to live in the forest, without talking to anyone, just being there, with nature, waiting for his life to end in silence, remembering.

Stealthy as a thief K entered the apartment. He did not want to go through the room because he felt that he would pass out if he noticed something out of the ordinary, and there was little to do so; On the sofa, in the center he could see two medicine bottles, one of them open with half a pill outside (colored pills, why colored?), several crumpled klinex and a glass of water near an album of photographs. The family album, he told himself, and thought of J's deceased father, whom he could never get to know, thought of that polaroid in which the father is smiling in a barley field while painting a golden bird spinning in the blue sky, and in which a little blurry, in the background, you can see his son waving his arms, gracefully raising one leg, as if flying among the golden landscape. K approached to take the album and was surprised to see that on the open page it seemed that someone had torn a picture, leaving only a white spot on the cardboard with the odd piece of adhesive tape. His eyes widened and he unwittingly let out a small sound of panic as he watched. He ran to the bedroom and when he touched the handle he felt a chill that went up his arm and reached his neck and then went down to his heart, pausing it and accelerating it at times.

As a prayer, he said under his breath: You are well, you are asleep, you are tired, but you are fine, as soon as I touch your shoulder you will wake up and I will breathe again ... you are well, you are asleep, you are fatigued ... The moonlight illuminated J's face, a thin face with a sharp jaw, he had cried, his eyelids looked swollen and he had traces of tears down his cheeks, he was curled up sideways on the wide bed, his torso was bare, his arms flexed and hands as if in prayer had dropped a photograph. He looked like a painting, J was the most beautiful thing K had ever seen, with a skin that glowed with the moonlight and gave it the appearance of a statue carved in ivory marble. K didn't dare to touch him, but he wanted to do so much, and before he knew it, he was already picking up the photograph that had fallen from J hands; his eyes did not believe what he saw, it was that old photo that was taken on his first outing together to the cinema, in it you could see two great friends hugging, smiling like idiots at the camera. That was enough for a couple of rivers to run down K white cheeks; he remembered that day as yesterday, he was so happy that J took him by the hand to run and not lose the function, and his joy had overflowed when J hugged him to take the picture; they had spent the whole movie talking and laughing at nonsense, then they had gone to eat some snacks, K did not remember another event to the date that made him happier than that day, because that day had really been the first of his great friendship with J, and it had been the day that would define their lives forever. Of course, there would be more and more happy moments later, some that had accelerated his heart, of course, as when J watched him with that deep look and smiled at him dearly, or as when he whispered secrets in his ear and felt his breathing so close to his face that he felt fade, but that movie day had definitely been the most important, without which, perhaps the other days would never have taken place.

K couldn't stop crying and watching J's sleeping face, he wanted to touch his face, hug him and very slowly tell him how much he had missed him and how much he needed him, but he was afraid.. what if he touched him and didn't answer?... and what if he never opened his eyes? ... Now it was terror he felt, terror of not hearing him again, terror of not having told him so many things, of not having confessed that he was loving him more than anybody and that he never wanted to separate from him again. Suddenly, K understood, if this was the last time, he didn't want to say goodbye like that, he didn't want to be away from his arms, so he took off his glasses and put them on the table, stripped off his jacket, shirt, and the jeans, part of the blanket that covered J's waist, and slipped inside, hugged his body and laid his head on J chest, still with some tears running down his face, he waited, closed his eyes and prayed.

The sun's rays came through the window, illuminating his face, a groan came out of his lips, he felt so tired and his eyes did not want to open because he was now aware again that he was afraid, afraid of embracing the void. Fresh tears fell down his face again, he had no idea how much time he had spent crying, longing for everything to be a nightmare and to wake up from it soon. When he opened his eyes he noticed that the sun was lighting everything, he could clearly see the room, the blue sky and the treetops outside the window. He realized that he no longer felt cold, a warm blanket covered his body… but it was not a blanket, it was another body… he felt the contact of the skin, of two arms that held his side and waist tightly, also he felt that his legs were interspersed with others; he felt panic and emotion at the same time; slowly turned his face down to observe better… a pair of bright black eyes were watching him with such love that he felt himself floating ... it was him, it was K, hugging him with all his strength, looking at him and smiling with his face lit like a lighthouse!!

      - Soo, I wish I had told you so many things before you left, apologizing for not being able to hide what I feel for you for so long, for always putting you in dangerous situations just because I couldn't stop seeing you or hugging you ... maybe If I had been more mature and had better thought about things, you would not have left ... I miss you so much that every day that passes I find it harder to get out of bed; I wish I could see your face like now every day; I promise you If you come back, even for just one day, I will never make you uncomfortable with my feelings again, I will not hug you again or whisper in your ear, or pay special attention to everything you do ... I promise you, but please, come back, come back soon; I know that I am dreaming and that at any moment I will wake up again alone in my bed, but I would like this dream to reach your mind and bring you back soon ... I want to see you ...please!

J wanted so much to touch K's face but he was afraid that once he did it the dream would disappear into nothingness once again, so he slowly lowered his hand while smiling sadly, wishing he would never wake up. He did not have time to say anything else, a pair of soft lips perched on his and when he opened his eyes he finally felt that all the sadness of the last months and of the last hours, was a remote past that ended up disappearing of his memory, while hundreds of butterflies were preparing to fly from his belly.

     - Do not even think about stopping to see me with those beautiful eyes or stop hugging me Nini!!, I only live for those moments and if you take them I disappear. It is I who should ask for your forgiveness. Sorry for not having the courage to tell you straight ahead that I am in love with you, that I have always been and will continue to be until my death. Sorry for leaving, for not being strong and facing my feelings and shouting to the whole world that you are my person. Sorry, because I can't live without you, because every day away from you has been the hardest thing I had to face and because knowing that it was also difficult for you, I couldn't be able to prevent you from suffering. Sorry Nini, for wanting to be with you every second and not saying it out loud, sorry for not being able to stop thinking about you and wanting to be yours. Sorry, because of all this, I escaped today and it is likely that not only will I be scolded for it…Nini, I am here, you are awake, this is not a dream!!

Would it be true? Wasn't it a dream? K was really hugging him, confessing his feelings? His brain said it was not possible, but his heart knew it was true, so he placed his index finger on K's cheek and it, his skin was soft to the touch, he looked into his eyes and then looked down to his beautiful lips, he brought his face close to K's and kissed him, then immediately pulled away and his smile dazzled him.

           -  Soo, you're here, it's true, you're here ... thanks, I've missed you... I love you.

           - Nini, I love you too!!