IN MY WORLD

Seungri was waiting for the cue to get out of his detained room. The guards outside was talking and preparing documents. And finally, someone opened the door and told him to follow him. Seungri let out a long breath and followed the guarded man. At the desk, someone handed him the phone and he took it. His lawyer announced him, he was free to go, the arrest warrant was rejected. Seungri knew it. It was his second time, and again, he knew that the request will be rejected again. It was time for people to realize, there’s not much against him, and he will prove it when he will finally go on trial. Seungri signed the papers and answered some questions, and some procedures needed to be done before leaving the detention centre. It took a long time, and his watch indicated it was very late. He will be home around 2am. A guard at the door of the centre, give him back his phone, wallet and keys and followed him outside.

Seungri walked on the dark path to the gate, next to the officer. Just by the lights and sounds of cars, he knew reporters was waiting for him. They would have camped there if he stayed all night. His left thumb played nervously on his grey blazer but stopped the moment he approached the gates. A guard opened the fenced door and Seungri bowed to the two guards and passed the door. He dodged the reporters silently, trying to keep his cool and Taekgu opened the door of the van. He quickly sits himself and waited for the car to finally move and all the tension, the ants that was crawling under his skin was slowly quieting down, Seungri passed a hand through his face. He watched the road being quieter and darker, leaving the detention centre and Media behind. Taekgu asked him if he needed anything but Seungri only wanted to be home. The road was silent between the two men. Both were exhausted about this case that they became numb. There was nothing to talk anymore. The charges and the investigation, the lawyer and prosecution, same words being spoke or heard repeatedly, a constant circle. Seungri and his close ones were tired and decided it was better to not always talk about it. His case begun almost a year ago, and all what happened, became a routine. Everybody got used to it.

Seungri entered his apartment. Didn’t mind opening the lights. Just took off his shoes and headed directly to his bedroom. Changed for pyjamas, brushed his teeth, took a big glass of water and finally humped on his bed. He let out a long-exhausted grunt in his pillow. Seungri was trying to shut his mind. Last time, in May, he was an emotional mess. Crying and having too much «what if» on mind when he should just be grateful to be lying in his own bed. So, this time. Yes, he was indeed happy, to be home and to not think further about feeling like . He will do it later. Seungri sighed and tried to find a comfortable position in his covers. And for the nth time, he ended up in a fetal position, snuggling his pillow as comfort and finally fell asleep.

*****

Jiyong was tapping his pencil against the paper, not finding anything to write. Lyrics not coming up at all. Asking himself if his brain was blank or just completely overthinking, constantly thinking about one thing nervously. Is Seungri okay? That was the only thing in his mind. Jiyong was waiting for his phone, to vibrate for a new message. But at 3am, he was thinking that Seungri won’t message him, that the young man was finally asleep comfortably in his bed. Jiyong couldn’t find sleep at all. Even if the moment he heard the arrest warrant was rejected, he could breath calmly, the thought of Seungri’s well being was tickling his blood. He wanted to know how was doing his Maknae. Jiyong wasn’t there for the first arrest warrant in May and was barely there for Seungri, in fact, during all those months, because of his military duty. Jiyong spent many nights in his tiny bed surrounded by his unit members, almost in tears, thinking how much Seungri must feel lonely and fighting alone. He couldn’t do anything for him, couldn’t text him at whatever time, couldn’t call or visit him at any moments. He was stuck at military camp and at many kilometers of Seungri’s situation. Jiyong felt bad for months. Felt powerless and sadly, useless for his dear brother. That feeling was horrible. Seungri was there for Bigbang hard moments. Seungri was crying in his arms for hours when his scandal broke out. Seungri was not leaving him alone, always make sure his mind was elsewhere, holding his hands and making Jiyong smile and laugh when his supposed plagiarism broke out. Seungri was there for every single one of them in hardship…but now…nobody was there for the younger man. The four of them, was busy or far from Seungri. The four of them, was feeling sorry. It’s a horrible sentiment. And the scar gets bigger as months passed, when you see Seungri’s name online, being attached to words, fake allegations and monstrous rumors. Jiyong was having a hard time being on social media these days. Bigbang, YG, Seungri, TOP and even Daesung…was always being criticized. It was hard to take. Jiyong was trying his best to just think positively but it was damn hard. He is someone sensible. Stress was consuming his body, pretty much everyday. He had been living like this for years. But this time. Emotions were hardly showing on his face. Except for annoyance. Jiyong was asking if he should put more effort, even if he need to fake smile. His sister got married and he was barely showing happiness. He was indeed really happy for her…Jiyong was proud for his PMO shoes success too, but with everything that happened since 2017, his heart was too heartbroken that he was just showing his nature and his deep feelings can’t lie anymore. It’s like his soul decided to take a vacation. But Jiyong is still the leader of Bigbang and still have works on his agenda. So, he needs to be somewhat strong. Bigbang’s future was on his shoulder. And their decision to accept Coachella’s offer, will help them, after that, to know what path to take, for the group and themselves. Jiyong is not ready to give up. He still have so much to offer to his fans. The VIPs was what made them, still hanging on. Their love. Seeing their positive vibes was making them motivated. It’s with that focus, they agreed to perform for them only. And it was even better, since it was outside Korea.

Jiyong put down the pencil. He looked one last time at his phone before lying down in his bed, joining Iye who was peacefully sleeping on top of his pillow. He was supposed to go to his studio later, to work on a new shoe but decided to give his day to Seungri. Jiyong was too curious and worried about the younger man. This time, he will be there, to see, in person, how he was feeling after such event.

*****

Seungri woke up around 9am. He slept almost 6 hours only, he tossed sometimes during the night, so he didn’t get a good deep sleep. But he is used to that kind of sleep. He was Seungri after all. What is sleep for him? He will take those 6 hours, it was better than none. Seungri avoided his mirrors and headed to his kitchen. He opened his refrigerator and forgot he didn’t have much. He had no more of Youngbae’s side dishes and his mother was only coming with groceries, in the evening. It will be ramyun, for the nth time. Those cups being his principal meals, most of the time. No wonder he was gaining weight. Noodles, noodles and again noodles. And all the snacks, he was eating, since he was mostly stuck at home, so, eating was his activity. And it’s useless to hide it how he copes with stress, is by eating. Badly. More his date of his arrest warrant hearing was approaching, more he was stuffing himself. Ordering many take-outs. Chinese, Japanese, Thai, Malaysian, Italian and American foods. Almost all of them, in just one day. That was more than the 3 meals a day. A whole mukbang by himself every 3 hours. Seungri feel himself a little lucky, he wasn’t that fat. He was still exercising and doing his martial arts. He needed to spent energy after all. Being at home for months was driving him insane. He needed to put his mind onto something. Seungri was working on his case, taking care of his juniors DJs and finding hobbies at home, like keeping doing cross-stitching. But the hardest thing was…to be alone. He was so used to be everywhere and surrounded by people. Drowning himself in the energy of a crowd. Silence and loneliness were not something he’s used to for a time being. It’s been 10 months now…it is a long time. Making him remember his days as a trainee or his hiatus in the group, being alone in Japan or in Korea, waiting for a call from YG or someone, to do something. He hated those times…Seungri is not enjoying this one, much either, since public eye was on him, waiting for every of his movements. That was the difference. Before, he was lacking attention, and now, he was having too much of it, and for the wrong reasons.

Seungri poured the hot water in the cup and waited. He took his phone and took his important messages, leaving the applications of social media untouched. Fans and public knew already the result of his hearing last night and Seungri knew, it must be insane online. Many kinds of comments are probably fueling every page of Media. It’s once again, one of those time, you need to avoid people and the internet. Last time, he was criticized to have pay respect to his sensei at the dojo the morning after his first pre-trial arrest warrant rejection. This time. He will stay home. Not bothering anyone. His father wanted to take him home, like last time, but Seungri didn’t wanted to see his father dealing again with this situation. He was grateful for his parents, to show their support but Seungri was feeling too remorseful. He can’t believe his parents had to see these problems. His family didn’t deserve all that stress. Seungri tried to take everything on his shoulders and avoid seeing his parents involved in his justice fight. He just let them know, the important information, without going into much details. Seungri was expecting them to be mad at him, in complete frustration when all allegations against him, got out. But his father and mother stayed calm and got patient with their son. With this kind of mood. Seungri was able to tell them his side of the story and confessed about the gambling part. His mother got silent for a time but was taking care of him, no matter what she was really feeling. His father has probably cried, Seungri could feel it, but he remains strong, every time he was seeing Seungri. Patting his back and smiling to give Seungri, positive energy. His parents have already told him, that was normal for parents to worry about their child, even if they are adults. Seungri is forever their child. The younger man made a promise with himself, to be more present for them, to put family in priority. Seungri missed many birthdays or family occasions over the years, because of his works. He thought that maybe, all what was happening, was meant to happen, to make him realize that. To make the right choices. To care of what’s really important. Seungri was entering the 30s. Maybe it’s time, to made better decisions.

Seungri sit down on his couch, and opened his TV, to watch an episode of the series he begun on Netflix. He was about to slurp his noodles when the doorbell rang. He left his cup on the coffee table and make his way to the door. He opened only a little, just a crack, trying to peak and the side of a known face appeared. His almond brown eye showing annoyance, a blue beanie and a black face mask covering the lower part of his face. Easy to recognize.

• Oy!...open the door. It’s me.

Seungri opened cautiously the door, still fearing for Media successfully sneaking at his floor. He let Jiyong enter his home and carefully closed the door. He didn’t have time to welcome his Hyung, that Jiyong had already took off his shoes and mask and was walking inside his home. Seungri saw a white plastic bag in his hands. Jiyong saw the cup of ramen still fuming in the living room and approached it. Jiyong put down the bag and let out two containers bowls from a restaurant and place them next to the ramen. It was always like this between them. No words needed. Jiyong sit himself comfortably on the couch and opened the lid of his bowl. Mushroom porridge was the menu. Seungri sit down next to him and opened his bowl too. Jiyong was like this, acting indifferent but being extra caring. Buying two bowls of something warm and easy, something good for their health today, something to feel calm. No need to say if the two bowls were for Jiyong only. Never. Jiyong always think of others. He just doesn’t need to say it. Was easy to tell since Jiyong always have been like this for years. Seungri begun eating his meal, biting on the porridge and on the ramen, swallowing mouthful of it. He could feel Jiyong looking at him on the side, eyeing how he was eating. Jiyong was only taking bits of his porridge, taking his time, more focus on Seungri.

• Hyung…if you have something to say, please say it.

• No…I have nothing in mind…it’s just good to see you eat…but it worries me, at the same time.

• You shouldn’t worry about me.

• Seunghyun-ah…

By the sound of slurping Seungri made with his noodles, he made himself clear that he didn’t wanted to go further into the discussion. Seungri pretended to focus on his episode, on the TV, trying to make Jiyong believe everything was fine.

*****

Jiyong didn’t felt much hungry but was making an effort to eat. Porridge was a good idea. Filling his stomach with something solid for his nerves. And by the meal Seungri choose, giving the younger man a warm porridge was needed. He glanced many times at Seungri, trying to detect something coming from the Maknae. And again, the conclusion was easy. Seungri was stress-eating. Jiyong knew Seungri wasn’t that hungry. He could have just taken the porridge but was eating both cups together, stuffing everything into his stomach. Jiyong have heard from the bodyguards and the management team, how much Seungri was eating in the last months. But was surprised the younger man didn’t get fatter. The answer was the stress. Jiyong wasn’t ignorant about this phenomenon. Stress consumed him during his MOTTE solo. But his body was different from Seungri. They were dealing differently. And Jiyong somewhat felt happy, Seungri was not skin and bones…but doesn’t mean, he shouldn’t concern himself over the young man’s health. And Jiyong didn’t knew how to approach his concerns onto Seungri. He was not that blunt compared to the Maknae. Seungri always say what is on his mind when he have concerns over his friends and fans but Jiyong prefer thinking before speaking. Be more careful on his words. Maybe today was not the best time too…Seungri got out of the detention centre and Prosecution office just few hours ago. It would add more stress on them.

Jiyong didn’t finished his bowl, putting back the lid on the bowl before switching his position, to lay down on his back, resting his head on Seungri’s thigh. The younger man relaxed and rest his arm on Jiyong’s chest. Jiyong had no idea what was on the TV, not much interested on knowing either, but still let his eyes on the screen.

• You should sleep Hyung. You look like someone who didn’t found much sleep.

• Hm…I was trying to work on lyrics.

• Inspiration?

• No…brain completely blank. Was supposed to work in my studio but I canceled. I know I should be working but I can’t find the energy. With Coachella coming up and me, traveling soon to Paris. My schedule is packed again like crazy.

• Everybody needs a break time to time. Its not because you went to the army, it was vacation. You have the right to breathe.

• It’s you, who say that? Mister busy day and night for years, with advice to ditch sleep, to be able to do everything at the same time, accordingly to your full agenda.

• I know…crazy huh…my days was like this just a year ago…and now, I have plenty of time, doing nothing.

• Army is coming up Seungri-ah. Your days will be filled soon. You will return to your true element. Hard-working.

• Hope so…but it’s good to see you and the others, working again…for Bigbang.

• Hm. Youngbae is working hard to make everything positive. Taking the spotlight of the cameras, by publicly showing his invitation at Fendi and doing a charity event. He’s taking the group image on his shoulder. And for Seunghyun, the opinion is still mixed but it’s a little better by days. He’s getting more followers on his Instagram, just with stupid videos or memes.

• Well…he is true to himself. That’s why fans like him and successfully make more fans. Coachella will be his true element.

• *snort* True…I have to watch him. A real kid.

• And you? Are you happy, to be back as G-Dragon?

• It’s heavy…as always. But I am fine. I do my best. I am waiting to see how Coachella will go, to decide on future plans with everyone. We need to know, the reaction of the fans, to really know what we really want. Even if we have a concept in mind and we want to keep the initial plan we all made before military, we just want to make sure. And we…kinda want to see…how it will go with you, too.

• Still too soon.

• I know. We have all mixed feelings like you. We want you back, making Bigbang reborn of their ashes…and at the same time, we want you to feel comfortable and be happy. If being not part of the group, is really what you want, in the end. We will accept it. We won’t pressure you, on any decisions. You know that huh?

• Yeah…I know Hyung. I am thankful and so sorry Jiyong…

• …

• You told me to be careful…and I compromised the group…I am still surprised, you are all still talking to me, so easily.

Jiyong sits up and switch, to place himself, to be able to look at Seungri.

• Never…Seunghyun-ah…never we will abandon you. Yes, we got into angry feelings at the beginning but finally, we put ourselves in your place and it wasn’t a great feeling. Our anger got onto something else, instead. So, don’t take all the blame. Don’t feel forever guilty.

• I don’t know Hyung…it’s not the first time I disappointed everyone…. I cause trouble. That feeling of being a burden from our debut, will be forever there.

• And I hate to hear that.

• I don’t even know why I am talking about this. I shouldn’t. Sorry.

• Seungri-ah…it’s better for me, to know how you feel. Don’t keep everything inside and all on your shoulders, for the sake of others.

• But Jiyong Hyung…you told me, to come to my sense and never feel sad. You told me that, when we were all in the van and I was commenting how the sky was blue.

Jiyong felt like . If the emotional scars of Seungri was getting bigger, was because he made that mistake. Jiyong was just used to a hyper, happy pill Seungri that he felt there shouldn’t be any concerns and what he said to Seungri, was not a warning…but it got out wrongly and Seungri took it at heart badly. The younger man is human, after all. So, it’s normal to feel all sort of emotions. To be in different moods…Jiyong sadly realized it when Seungri went solo. The text messages they exchanged, the videos and comments he saw on the fans pages…Seungri was falling more into low self-esteem. It was getting worse as he added more concerts into his agenda. Talking about his weight, that fans prefer Jiyong, so they won’t miss the Maknae and he was the least talented. Jiyong hated all those negative words coming out of Seungri’s mouth…but he couldn’t do anything. He was stuck in the army. Thinking that being in the elite white skull team, he wouldn’t have to worry and would be too busy, to think about Seungri. That, Seungri was doing fine by himself and was able to take all the responsibility of Bigbang, even with his personal businesses. But Jiyong should have known…even way before he went to the army. How Seungri was showing signs, hurting himself with defaults. How Seungri was slowly giving up on dancing or on his singing skills. How Seungri was seeing his place in Bigbang. It’s true, Seungri made an effort with dancing and doing all the music for his album and concerts but his negative thoughts was taking control of him many times. Jiyong needed to know, what was really in Seungri’s mind. How Seungri was really feeling. But Jiyong was feeling guilty. His eyes got teary but didn’t let out the tears. He have no right. The one who should cry, is Seungri.

• How’s the sky today, Seungri?

• I don’t know. It’s been a long time since I looked at it.

Jiyong took all efforts to not cry. He was feeling so horrible about himself. He failed as a leader for his Maknae and he is failing as a friend…and brother. He failed to protect him and to love him rightly. The road won’t be easy. All these years, Seungri was there, to listen to Jiyong’s out of nowhere rants and thoughts, at whatever time of the day. But what about GD, when it comes to Seungri? Seungri is more of a listener than a talker…the irony when Seungri is loud and talkative in public. Seungri is just there for everyone but doesn’t say much about him. Just the minimum. Jiyong know how to read him…but he should have push further. He should have made Seungri let out what was emotionally burdening him. But Jiyong didn’t. Why. Because he is a diva, because he likes to think about himself, admiring his aura in the mirror and be all moody, by posting arts and quotes. Because he is Kwon Ji Yong. Mister I get all attention. The King that likes to be served. The Superstar that spends money without looking at the bills…a real ing . How to realize this? By being next to Seungri. The one who should receive the attention because he’s humble, realist and mature. Seungri was the one, who is always making him, keeping his foot on the ground. Seungri deserve all the world…all the love. Not prejudices and an image that doesn’t look like him. Jiyong was not proud of himself. He had no right to return as G-Dragon at the moment. He needed to self-reflect. Seungri was his world…in a way. And his world was heartbroken and crumbling. His soul was feeling it and showing it. How can he smile to people when his heart was in pieces?

Jiyong and Seungri watched was on the screen, not really paying attention to the content, for an hour. When Jiyong heard Seungri yawned, he took the remote controller and closed the TV. He took Seungri’s hand and led him to the bedroom. Again, no words was needed. Seungri was following his lead and knew what Jiyong was doing. They both lied down in the bed, Jiyong took off his beanie and throw it on the floor. His short hair was a mess, he didn’t shave again, the cold temperature of Seoul has chapped his lips and with all the stress he was going through since discharge, his skin was sensible, and acne was popping out on his face. And looking at Seungri, he noticed Seungri have forgot some spot of hairs on his face, but the condition of his skin was good. Better than him, in fact. Seungri was tossing and end up in his curled position again. Jiyong noticed it. It was unusual for the young man to sleep like this.

• Are you in pain?

• No. Why?

• Why are you like this?

• Like this?

• Hugging yourself in a ball.

• Hm. I don’t know…I sleep better like this now.

• Since when?

• Maybe since Spring…I don’t know…but I was like this, at my parent’s house after my first pre-trial hearing.

• Seunghyun-ah…did you cry?...when you had to wait at the police station, the first time?

• Yeah... It was indeed scary. Waiting in a tiny white room, your life in the hands of a lawyer. That night, after my mom made sure I was comfortable in the bed, I waited for my parents to fell asleep before bursting in tears. I was shaking and sobbing.

• And this time?

• Even if this time, I was in a detention centre, at one wall from a real cell. My mind was more peaceful. Yes, the thought that the arrest warrant will be granted, did come to mind. Asking myself how I can’t go outside freely anymore. And I would be there, not just for one day. But I have faith in justice and my lawyer did a great job again, showing that an arrest warrant on me, was stupid. And the fact, I could walk out of the office, free of movements too, helped. Last time…the ropes…

Seungri was having a hard time, coming up with this moment. His voice was trembling.

• Being tied with ropes in front of the cameras is a real nightmare…everybody got to see this…my parents, my family, the fans…and all of you…it’s humiliating…

Jiyong caressed Seungri’s hair in a comfort gesture. He had no words for this. He was himself, dealing badly with that particular moment. When Jiyong faced his own legal issues, he thought it was the end of the world, but it was finally little compared to this. Even with Seunghyun’s case and hospitalization, Jiyong was little compared to them. He knows, he shouldn’t compare since all cases and situations is different for everybody, but Seungri’s reputation and career took all possible hits. Seungri have become the principal subject of many conversations about the music industry, idol status, power privilege and even politics by Media. Seungri’s name being attached to whatever news. It was indeed big. Seungri relaxed more himself and straight up his limbs. Jiyong took the occasion to cling himself onto the young man. Seungri smiled when he felt Jiyong being the octopus he is.

• It’s been a really long time we’ve been like this.

• True. Sharing a twin bed together or a couch during tours seems long ago.

• But being all clingy didn’t change. All same Kwon Ji Yong.

Jiyong kicked him on the lower leg. Feigning being angry at Seungri.

• Want to die?

• Can you really kill me?

• Never. I need you. If you die, it’s because I loved you too much.

• Tsundere.

Jiyong laughed. It was good to feel Seungri, being himself again. For a short moment.

• Jiyong Hyung?

• Hm?

• Smile more. Please.

Jiyong didn’t say anything. He didn’t wanted to reply and made a promise he couldn’t hold. Jiyong could feel Seungri slowly lulling into sleep.

• I will smile for you.

Only at you.

Jiyong patted Seungri’s hair till he finally heard Seungri’s breathing being constant.

• I will make sure, you don’t feel your bed being too wide. And being abandoned to loneliness. I will show to the world, your colors behind that black.

I am not leaving you, Lee Seunghyun.

*****

Thank you. Feel free to comment.