I watched silently, pretending to be doing my homework, while he Skyped with his girlfriend.

     "This is my girlfriend," he smiled happily and pushed his laptop screen towards me. I glanced at the screen, where she waved at me and I waved back and forced a cheerful smile.

     I'm a pretty good actor, if I may say so...

     "She's beautiful," I said, with a tone of admiration in my voice.

      I wasn't lying this time.

      She was beautiful. Extremely. Straight, blonde hair with milky white skin, a small smile playing on her pink lips as she looked up at me.

      I could never be pretty like that.

      But the attraction he had towards her was not physical. She did not have a very well-toned body. This served wonders for my already low self-esteem. She was not "hot", as some boys would say. Many would not choose her as a buddy. My love was special; he was different; he looked past skin. They were in love with each other, that was apparent.

     As his sister once commented, "They're like soulmates."

     Once, as his sister and I were lying in bed, just staring at the ceiling, I brought up the topic of his girlfriend. I took care not to show much care for their relationship, not to show how much it affected me.

     No one must know.

     "She's pretty," I said.

     "Yeah she is. She's really quiet though." she told me.

     "Oh really? Is she shy then?" I asked.

     "Oh, I wouldn't say she's shy, just very quiet. A very smart girl too. Got all As and A*s for her GCSEs...", she paused for a moment, then continued, "He's very into her, isn't he? They look like they'll last for a long time."

     I said thoughtfully, "They do look very good together. And he seems very in love with her."

     "They're inseparable. He calls and Skypes her every day, even when we're on holiday here now. You can tell that way. He wakes up at 3 or 4 in the morning to call her just so that he can catch her before her classes."

     "Wow...He's so sweet.", I was awed.

     "She's his first proper girlfriend. Head-over-heels for her."

      He's gone back. He's gone back to England. I never really understood when people said their hearts were empty, but now I do. My heart is empty, devoid of any feelings. I am like a zombie, an empty shell of I used to be. It's hard; I have to pretend that him leaving was alright, I have to do everything the way I used to. My pride does not allow me to show my love to him, because I know that even if I did, we could never be together. And now, I do not know whether to be grateful for being able to meet such a person, or to wish that he hadn't come into my life. Actually, I wish I had never fallen in love with him. My heart has been corrupted with this one-sided, jealous love. His presence had made me lovesick, giddy, on high. His absence has made me what I am now- bleak, unhappy, depressed and selfish. Selfish because I knew he already loved someone else, and someone else already loved him, but my foolish self still stupidly, carelessly fell for him. Selfish to myself, for trapping myself in this case of impossible fantasies and hopes that I might one day be with him, and that maybe one day, one day, he would love me back.    

     And now my days are filled with sadness and pain. My nights are spent crying myself to sleep, of sighing longingly at pictures of him. I hate myself for the emotional wreck I have become. I am ashamed at how empty my life is, how I trust no one and yet depend on him alone so much. I thought love was a happy thing, a thing that one would appreciate, but this, this has ruined my life. I have ruined myself by letting myself fall in love. 

     I remember the last hug we shared, before he left for the airport.

     "So I guess it's goodbye then?"

     I remember his warm, sunny smile.

     I remember how he'd burst into the silliest songs suddenly.

     "You are my sunshine, my only sunshine,

       You make me happy ...  "

     I remember how he'd say random phrases at the most inappropriate times, and with that straight poker face.

     "My favourite colour is potato."

     "Dude, we're playing BlackJack."

     And right now, I wish more than anything to have him here, next to me, with his arms around my shoulders and around me.

     I just wish he loved me. 

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