"Do I deserve to live?"

*RINGS*

“Hello, What’s your emergency?”

 

Words cannot express how tired I am. I am physically and emotionally exhausted, a vicious cycle of boring life routines.

“I don’t want this, I’m tired of this life full of failures, I’m no good for anyone. I-, what the hell is my purpose here? Nobody wants me nor appreciates me, I’m nothing but a speck of dust in the air that nobody wants.”

 

“Are you still there?"

 

I've been into this for a long time and I never felt so down and a huge failure, till now. How the did I even last this long? I tried to live my days the way a normal person would. I laughed, I cried, I eat, yet everything started to get boring and I'm getting tired already. Being tired makes me want NOT to do things, coz even if I do, everything seems worthless. I don’t think I’m worthy of living any longer in this place. This place is better off without me.

“Are you going to jump?”

I didn’t notice that someone is standing right next to me. I mean she’s 5 feet away, I didn’t even feel her presence until she started asking.

“You know, you chose the right timing to kill yourself”

What?! no, I think she’s trying to manipulate my head so that I wouldn’t jump.

“Look beneath you, the water level of the river is low tonight if you jump, 100% sure that you’ll die right away”

There is no way she’s trying to help me kill myself.

“Who dies right away when they’re drowning?” I can’t help but ask, damn this girl is trying to lure me, is she?

I heard her chuckle, what’s so funny? was it something I said? I’m about to kill myself and people still won’t take me seriously?

“you wanted to die of drowning huh? you know you could just put your head on the toilet and flush it then you’ll drown. Jumping off to the river would kill you due to impact, broken bones, damaged organs and so forth, then drown… unless you wanted to die brutally… prolonging the agony?”

That sounds terrifying. , who in their right mind would give a trivia in this kind of situation?! what’s wrong with this woman.

 

“You’re crazy! I won’t listen to you! I’m gonna jump and die with no one giving a damn about me!” 

This woman better not say anything.

“That’s it? Those are your final words?”

She gave me this unimpressed look, WHAT DO YOU WANT?. She started walking towards me

“Come with me and we’ll think of a proper FINAL SPEECH coz, to be honest? Your speech more than the fact you’re going to die”

She then held my hand, pulled me away from the bridge. I don’t know why but my feet keep walking on itself as if I'm not in charge of it anymore. As much as I wanted to die, I had this feeling that I need to go with her.

 

“Why do you want to kill yourself?”

She asked, out of the blue.

“Why do you care?”

She seemed not bothered on the way I answered her question, she’s still walking… and holding my hand.

“I don’t care, I need to hear your reason so that we could compose a proper final speech before your death”

I’m scared to tell her, I’m scared that she’ll think my reason is stupid that I’m just being dramatic or laughed because I’m too weak to fight and try to live or compared my story to other people and tell me that all people experience the same thing and tell me that I should get over it.

“So why do you want to kill yourself?”

 

“Have you ever felt that you’re doing too much but nothing comes out of it? You know like, a vicious cycle of doing things that do not make sense”

I took a little glance at her, she seems like she’s listening, not judging, just… listening.

“I love dancing… or maybe I used to. I dedicated my whole life for one thing and that is dancing because I have a dream, I wanted to be known as a great dancer, where a lot of people will look up to me and be an inspiration to them. But here I am! Being a complete loser who wants to kill herself”

I hate this feeling, I don’t like the feeling of being pitied or anything but I know, I sounded like a loser

“go on… I'm still listening” she said.

“I auditioned with different agencies, one by one, they rejected me. They didn’t want me, they didn’t want the thing that I’ve been working hard with my entire lifetime. I tried to be optimistic, I tried even harder… I do, but something inside me feels that I’m not doing it out of passion, I’m doing it because I have to? Coz this what I lived for… but it felt meaningless, I don’t see the point of doing it. Why try? I’m never good enough for them, I’ll never be good enough for this world… Am I?”

I can’t help myself, I started feeling that hole inside me eating the last hope that’s left. I looked at her and she wasn’t even reacting, is it too much to take in? Now, am I being too much? Do I sound like I’m demanding for attention?

“I knew it, you’re just like them-”

But then she started dancing… and to be honest, that’s the most awful dance I’ve ever seen. I don’t know if she’s trying to mock me or just simply goofing around … in this kind of situation?

 

Or maybe she’s trying to cheer me up?

  “Am I good enough?”  She asked after doing a cartwheel that almost broke her back.

I didn’t get to answer her coz she’s still trying to do cartwheels, what is she trying to prove tho?

“are you trying to do a cartwheel? You know you could hurt-” she did a perfect cartwheel “yourself…”

After doing it for a couple of times, she doesn’t look tired at all

“So. Am I good enough?”

She walked towards me, looking me straight in the eye

“Just… Fine” I answered

I felt her cold hands cupping my swollen face caused by crying earlier, her fingers wiping the remaining tears out of my cheeks. She has no facial expression which made me confused about what was she trying to make me feel. 

 

Is she cheering me up?  or she's just forced to act nice because... I'm suicidal.

she took my hand and we continued walking.

 

There are a lot of thing going in my head right now

1. I'm tired and I wanna rest. Permanently.
2. I should be dead right now if it wasn't for this girl I'd be floating, lifeless cold bloated body at this moment
3. Who is this girl? what does she want from me, but she seems like someone who could buy a whole building in the city, and how come she did a perfect cartwheel? in three tries??
4. is my final speech that bad?

 

"God your silence is so loud I could hear your thoughts. Just say it out loud."

"what are you trying to do? who are you? why are you doing this?" I asked

"I'm not doing anything"

"You just did a PERFECT cartwheel a while ago!" I protested

"And you said it was "just fine" she stopped walking and looked right in the eye. Seriously, why is she acting like she knows that a ed up person that any second she can reveal it to the whole universe? I feel threatened by her gaze to be honest. "why would you say that it's "fine" when you think that I did it perfectly?" 

 

Now what? suddenly she's concern about my judgment on her spontaneous antics?

"you're just fooling yourself. making yourself believe in things that aren't real. when will you realize that you're living in your own lies?-"

"- you'll die not being able to embrace the reality"

The way she's trying to tell me something sends chills to my spine. I'm scared that she might be right, I can't help but have this feeling. I can feel a sudden fear surfacing from my core but I can't seem to figure out why and what was the reason.

 

"Lucky you young one, you still got a lot of time to settle things, figure those things out and fix your " 

Suddenly hearing those words come out of made me wonder if has she ever been in this kind of situation too? has someone stepped out of nowhere to take her out of that position too?

 

"Time is ticking, we need a good place to finalize your speech"  she's right, I almost forgot about THAT.

 

"Wait"  

I need to stop walking.

My Fear. I can feel it rapidly growing and it felt like it's about to get in my throat. Not like a vomit... maybe kinda like that?

I felt a tight squeeze in my hand, tight but it doesn't hurt, tender, cold tender hands, I felt the concern with just a squeeze. Our eyes met and as I look into hers, it says a lot of things, too much that my mind can't even grasp what her eyes are trying to say. 

 

"We don't have much time, the sun will rise soon, water will flow in different forms. YOU. HAVE. TO. DIE"

 

She said those words in the most monotonic voice although her eyes, her grip in my hand doesn't correlate. 

She started pulling me again, but I had to stop her again

 

"Will you be there? will you listen to my final words?"

The girl didn't even bother to face me but her squeeze in my hand somehow hurts now

 

"We haven't composed anything yet... so maybe, no"

I heard he took a deep breath as if it's her last time to breathe the same oxygen as mine.

 

We finally reached the park near the riverbanks, the trees seem to be lifeless like frozen in time, but the moon above them gives justice to the gloomy scenery. This place is perfectly made for me, it perfectly suits the emotions that I'm feeling right now. I got distracted by the moon and forgot about the girl, who's now standing right exactly below the moon.

 

"you look like someone from a drama by just standing there, I wish I had my phone-"

 

She gives me this sign, shushing me. She stretched her hand asking me to have a dance with her

 

"dance with me, let's see how "good enough" you are for me" The fear, It's getting worse "don't fight it, it's just a sign that you're still alive"

 

FEAR. An unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger.

FEAR. is looking down below knowing you're a hundred feet above a low-level river.

FEAR. Having to hold someone's hand for hours but you know that soon you'll have to let it go.

FEAR. That I may never have to get a sight of this redhead beauty with perfect heart-shaped lips ever again.

FEAR. That I may change my mind and choose to live

FEAR. I don't want to die.

 

"Sorry but I can't" I don't know what's up with me but I need to go back to the bridge, away from here, away from her, away from the fear.

 

I can't choose to live in. There's nothing for me here. I need my way back to the bridge and end this once and for all. I'll jump and die, THAT'S IT. I'm done living with all these confusions, I just want to rest, It's too late to give me a reason to live. I already made up my mind.

 

"are you going to jump now?"

 

So much going on in my mind I didn't even notice that I'm back in my previous position, standing at the edge of the bridge, ready to jump, and so is the redhead girl who's standing right next to me.

 

"What are you waiting for? I'm waiting for your last words. I'm here to listen"

 

Why is she like this? why isn't she stopping me? her eyes, it still says a lot of things that I can't seem to understand.

I wanted her to say it, I want her to tell me not to jump and I will not jump.

 

*loud sirens from the background* 

 

"Time is running out young one, say what you need to say-"

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE!"  I can't take it, my fear, it makes my stomach churn, I'm scared, I'm scared to die.

 

"You shouldn't be scared, you'll be fine soon but to achieve that, you need to jump.."  Her eyes, I can finally read what her eyes are saying

 

"you need to go" , It says.

 

"I don't want to die unnie. I don't want to die not being able to see what bright future is waiting ahead of me... I don't want to die because of the lies that I made myself believe for years that made me this-"

 

I felt tears running down my face, how my hands are shaking, I don't understand. I hate myself for this, I'm scared to jump but here am I, one wrong move and I'll die.

 

"made you what?" she asked

"I made myself believe in things like, I'm not worthy, that no one wants me to be here, that I'm worthless. I made a monster, a sad empty being that I am now. It's a pill that is hard to swallow, but I admit, it's true, I am wrong and I did this to myself. I know that I may never be enough to other people.... but that's okay"

I can't help my tears from falling, I'm trying my best to see her reaction but my tears are keeping me from seeing clearly 

 

"I may not fully know it now, I'll still try my best to know my worth"

 

I should stop hurting myself. I may fail a bunch of times but that doesn't mean that I am not worthy of anything.

I felt her thumb wiping my tears, although I cannot fully face her, I'm relieved that she's still there. She listened.

 

"So how's my speech? is it good enough?" I asked with a smile

"Just, fine."

 

I wanted to face her but my hands are kinda slippery now. A wrong move and I'll end up breaking my skull with my blood flowing along with the current.

 

"U-Unnie... you might wanna help me now?"

"I can't do that"

 

 

WHAT?!

 

"H-hey... it's not funny to come on now, PULL ME OUTTA HERE UNNIE!"

 

It's weird. I don't feel any fear. I don't feel scared that I might fall... WHAT THE IS GOING ON?

 

"It was nice meeting you young one"

"W-WAIT! UGHH!" I'm losing my grip, I can't hold on any longer

"Let go. Trust me, you'll be fine"

 

I let go of my grip and let the gravity do the free fall.

As I fall, I tried to have a final glance at the girl who's standing at the edge of the bridge

with tears rolling down her face

about to...

 

jump

"no, don't" I tried utter those words but her body is now falling the same time as I do

 

her eyes were closed but it couldn't deny the fact that she's been crying a lot

 

when?

"Unnie..."

We both hit the low-tide river. I know that I hit my back, I felt it but it didn't hurt.

I looked for that familiar red head and there she is... 

her head hit the ground first,

no movements 

just her lying there 

lifeless

 

I wanted to get close but I can't move

I can't

 

"Miss!" someone is here

"Miss!" please... help her

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I woke up from a tap. As I open my eyes, I found myself sitting at the sidewalk near the bridge. And there are two police men, an old woman and a handsome man standing in front of me.

"Mom, are you sure you wanna talk to her? she's obviously drunk, she prolly didn't see her or remember seeing her" the guy told her mom

"your sister has been missing since yesterday! If I have to ask every single person in this town if they saw Jisoo, I WOULD!"  

The lady came to me and handed me a photo of a lady with dark brown hair, a perfect smile and heart-shaped lips

 

"sorry young lady, but is there a chance that you might've seen my daughter? that's her in the photo, her name is Jisoo. She's been missing for a while now. Um this photo was taken a long time ago, she dyed her hair scarlet red now"

 

I don't want to break this woman's heart by telling her that I don't know the person or even haven't seen her.

 

"she.. she looks familiar but I'm pretty sure that I haven't seen her around here for the past few days,"

"how would you remember? you're drunk" the guy told me

"I live around the block by the way, so I know everyone here and I know if someone is not from here and I'm pretty sure you're not from here too. So if I were you, go search at your place thoroughly first"

My hangover is starting to kick in that's why I'm starting to sound like a complete jerk right now.

 

"you see, my daughter Jisoo, she's been struggling for quite while now and, and I'm afraid that she might've done something that-"

I don't know what I'm going to do, I never seen a woman cry like this in front of me. Specially a mother.

 

"so please, if ever you recall someone that might've looked like her, please please, call us, I still have this hope that I will see my daughter alive and well"

 

*static noise coming from the police's radio*

 

"... at riverbanks? tsk tsk. I see. Okay sir, copy that"

"officer what was that? have they seen my sister? is... is she alright?"

 

silence...

 

"A body has been recovered from the river just now..."

"What.... you think that... you... no... Jisoo is a smart girl, she wouldn't do that?"

"Sir I needd you to calm down and come with me to the scene to confirm-"

"WHY WOULD I GO THERE?! MY SISTER IS NOT THERE! THAT'S NOT MY SISTER?! SHE'S NOT DEAD! SHE DIDN'T- SHE- !"

 

The mother didn't move after hearing those words... she just stood there, her eyes looking at the bridge as her eyes welled up and tears start falling again.

 

I found myself walking toward the bridge and saw that there are people gathering at the riverbanks and there I saw...

the body that has been lifted out of the river...

 

It made me think about the thing that I almost did last night. I wanted to die. I drown myself with liquor so that I could do it with a lot more courage. I called 911 just to make myself feel that someone actually cared for me. 

 

"but I remember myself passing out here... here at the bridge? then how did I end up there ...???"

 

"hey... do you think I'm good enough for this world?" I asked to the woman who guided me away from the bridge

 

The girl with her heart-shaped smiled to me and then replied 

 

 

"Just, fine."

 

 

And there I am, standing where I used to be, looking at the corpse that should've been me, but here I am, couldn't even stop the tears from falling as realizations starts to fill my empty head. 

 

"Unnie..."

 

I ran away from that place as fast as I can, 

 

coz not all people who are running away from something are idiots, cowards or weak, some of them are just running away from what's holding them back to be the best versions of themselves.

 

-END-