After that night, Jin hangs around at Hyesung’s apartment more than usual and keeps him from spiraling into an even deeper depression, dropping by with coffee or dinner or a six pack because he was ‘in the neighborhood’. Sometimes he’s already sitting on the couch when Hyesung gets home from work. He figures Jin must not have much of a personal life either if he’s always free to pretend he’s just dropping by every evening. They make quite a sad, lonely pair, he decides.

As the next few weeks pass by, Hyesung is still miserable and Jin is always hovering. Always. He can't remember the last time he was alone and awake at the same time. Even though he knows it's out of love, it's still driving him crazy. It takes an insane amount of convincing, but he manages to send Jin home early after showing him all of the work he'd brought home to do over the weekend. “You know I can't work around distractions. Even you,” he'd reminded him and Jin had finally given in. “Okay, but call me if you need anything.”

“Yes, of course. But I won't need anything,” Hyesung says as he ushers Jin out of the door. Finally, he sits down on the couch with his laptop and breathes a sigh of relief. He'd make it up to Jin later, but for now he was thrilled to sit alone in the silence of his apartment.

It's getting late by the time he finishes up and he closes his laptop and sets it on the coffee table, but it’s Friday night and it would be a shame to go to bed, so he turns on the tv and flips through the channels for a while.

Not long after midnight, he's starting to doze off when his doorbell rings. Repeatedly. He thinks it must be Jin at first, but the ringing never stops and he starts to have a bad feeling that gets even worse when he opens the door.

It's Eric.

Of course it's Eric.

He doesn't know what to say and he doesn't get the chance to figure it out because Eric takes one look at him and collapses, leaning against Hyesung with all of his weight. It takes all of his strength to keep both of them from toppling to the ground as he drags Eric inside and closes the door.

“You smell like you drank an entire bar,” he grumbles, shuffling over to the couch and shrugging Eric off of him. “Bachelor party,” Eric mumbles. Of course. “So, where are the rest of your friends?”

“I told them I had to run an errand. They're on their third bar.” Eric takes a second to reposition himself on the couch and lays his head against the top of the couch. “They were having too much fun. It was no fun.” It's not nearly the first time Eric's babbled drunkenly on his couch, but it used to be normal. It's not normal anymore. Nothing is normal anymore. “So, am I your errand?”

“You're my best friend!” he exclaims, his words stabbing Hyesung's heart. “You're supposed to be my best man and have fun with me at my bachelor party and make sure I don't screw everything up at the wedding!” Hyesung can't take it anymore. He's so tired of this and he's the one who should be upset; he's the one who deserves an apology. “I'm not your best friend! I'm not your anything. Eric, don't you get it? This isn't my fault! I'm not the one who's getting married! I'm not the one who ruined things between us! I'm not the one who kissed you, remember? You kissed me!”

Literal years have passed since that day, since Eric had changed everything between them, but somehow it feels like even longer. Decades. Millennia. Eons.

“None of this is my fault. I didn't do anything. you were the only one who got to decide what our relationship was and when I was allowed to be with you and when I wasn't, so don't you dare try to turn this around on me!” Eric's expression finally changes as Hyesung's words finally break through. “I'm sorry,” he says weakly. “I wanted to tell you that, but I just keep ing it up. Everything.”

“Do you even know why you should be sorry? Do you know why we can't be friends like that anymore? Do you know why Jin's decided I shouldn't be left alone ever again?” After years and years spent holding everything inside, it was bound to come out eventually, all at once. “And you know what the worst part is?” he asks, his voice raising in volume instinctively. “You're totally messed up and you're getting married in less than 48 hours and I have every right to be upset with you, I have every right to hate you for all the you put me through, but somehow I still want you!”

The silence that follows is deafening and neither of them move for a long time. If he doesn't stop now, he might say something he'll regret even more, so he runs a hand through his hair and sighs deeply. “You're getting married on Sunday.” Silence. “Right?” he demands. “Right,” Eric admits softly. “Then you have to give me space, because it's not fair to keep showing up at my door. It doesn't change anything, it just hurts me even more. Just looking at you is killing me, so you have to stop showing up. For my sake and for hers.”

Eric stands up from the couch unsteadily and slowly walks to the door, without saying a word. He pauses in the doorway and says, “I'll leave you alone from now on,” before he exits Hyesung's apartment.

And, finally, Hyesung really falls apart. It's been a long time coming and he can't stop shaking as he sobs pitifully on his living room floor. It's really over. Everything. So much time and effort for nothing. All of that to end up shattered on the floor of his apartment, falling apart because of a boy, a stupid boy. Isn’t he too old for this yet?

He eventually passes out on the couch and that’s where Jin finds him the next morning. “I knew I shouldn’t have left you alone,” he says, sitting down on the couch as Hyesung sits up and rubs at his swollen eyes. “He showed up drunk,” Hyesung mutters in explanation. “And?”

“And it’s over.” Jin rolls his eyes. “You’ve been saying that for a month. Maybe I should go and talk to him. I’ll tell him never to bother you again.” Jin’s expression is hard and Hyesung shakes his head. “No, Jin, that’s not necessary. I told him to give me space and he will.”

“Hyung, look what he did to you. Am I really supposed to let him get away with it? Again?” Hyesung sighs and rubs his swollen eyes. “I did this to myself. I had to be the one to end it or I never would have been able to move on. It’s over, he won’t be back. He’s getting married tomorrow. It’s over.”

“You promise? It’s really, really over this time?” Hyesung nods slowly. “It’s really, really over. All that I have left to do is to try to forget and move on with my life.” Jin relents, uncrossing his arms as his expression softens. “Okay. I’m trusting you, but if you think I’m leaving you alone this weekend, you’re wrong. Understand?”

“I understand,” Hyesung replies weakly. “Okay. I’m gonna cook you some breakfast and then we’ll go find something fun enough to distract you from all of this. Get washed up and put some clothes on while I cook.” Jin pats him on the shoulder before leaving the bedroom and Hyesung smiles despite himself. Who could feel bad for long with a friend like Jin by their side? Certainly not Hyesung.

Sunday comes and goes just the way it normally does and Jin confiscates his phone so he can’t browse social media. He’s grateful, even if it’s making him feel a bit like a child. He doesn’t want to talk about it anymore, he doesn’t want to think about it anymore, and Jin is very respectful of that.

Eventually, Jin has to go back to his own life and Hyesung has to go back to his. He’s trying to process everything, but it’s too much. Still, he has friends that he can depend on and work that he can bury himself on. It’s hard not to think about it and it’s hard not to feel lonely when it’s late and dark and cold, but he has no choice left but to try his best to move on. It’s not a choice as much as a necessity, but he’s going to try his best regardless. It’s not an ending, it’s a new beginning, he tells himself, and he chooses to believe it.

신화창조

It’s been a year since Eric’s wedding and Hyesung is finally starting to feel like he’s letting go of the past. It’s not that he’s forgetting; that’s probably impossible and even if it’s not, forgetting might mean making the same mistakes again and that’s not something he’s willing to do.

He’s trying hard to move on, forcing himself back into the dating scene after one of his coworkers asks him out during their morning coffee break. He's not everything Hyesung's ever dreamt of and it doesn't feel like his heart will beat right out of his chest when they're together, but Jihoon is nice and comfortable and, most importantly, Not Eric, so it's not like Hyesung has any right to complain. He's not deliriously happy or anything like that, but he's content and he always knows where he stands with Jihoon. Even when they disagree, even when one of them walks out after an argument, even if he sees him laughing with some girl from work.

He's not scared to kiss him and he can tell him he loves him on a whim and it's comfortable. Maybe it's not as easy to talk to him about nothing and maybe they don't have that much in common and maybe he's not hopelessly attracted to him, but maybe that's not a bad thing. Maybe it's good to be in control of his faculties sometimes. He’s getting too old to be ruled solely by his emotions and hormones anyway.

Jin doesn't like him much, but he keeps his dislike to himself because Jihoon has never done anything to hurt Hyesung on purpose and he'll keep his objections inside unless he does. After all, all he really wants for Hyesung is for him to be safe.

He hasn't heard from Eric since the night of his bachelor party and he's relieved. Their lives were headed in totally different directions and the only option Hyesung had was to move on. He still hears about him sometimes from Jin, because Jin is friends with Eric's childhood friend Andy and naturally he comes up in conversation now and again.

"You're not still talking to him, are you?" Jin asks out of the blue one night as they drink at Hyesung's apartment. "Not in over a year. Not since he got married." Jin nods. "Why are you asking? Did something happen to him?" Jin's obviously disappointed by his concerned reaction to the mention of Eric, but he just sighs. "He's fine. Andy told me they're gonna have a baby and I didn't want to keep it from you. But I thought you might already know."

Hyesung downs a shot. "I didn't. We don't talk anymore. I still can't... forget it or whatever... but I'm trying. I'm trying to put it in the past and leave it there." Jin pours him another shot and eyes him carefully. "I know, but it's not like you told me right away when you guys were like... having a thing, so I thought you might be keeping it from me on purpose."

"I don't do that anymore. I only did it back then because I knew it wouldn't last and that you'd worry. But there's no need to worry. He's busy with his family and I've got work and Jihoon and you, so... I don't even have time to think about him. Really." Occasionally, he thinks about him, but he’s really trying not to. He’s doing his best and Jin knows that. “I think you’re so much better off now, but what I think doesn’t matter unless you feel the same way. Do you?” Hyesung stares at his shot glass before picking it up and looking at Jin with a soft smile. “Not yet. But I’ll get there.”

(However, if you were brave or perhaps stupid enough to ask him if he would erase Eric from his memory if he could, the answer would be, as it always has been, a resounding no.)