---

“I love the snow!” Key shouted out, grabbing Jonghyun’s hand as they walked down the empty sidewalk. Jonghyun said nothing, simply admiring the other boy with his sparkling eyes, looking up at the sky as the snow fell carelessly.

Jonghyun didn’t bother replying, but simply squeezed Key’s hand back, trying to hold back a sigh.

They’d left their dorm separately, as it was the first day of their Winter Break, and Jonghyun had offered to walk his boyfriend home. After all, the more time he got to spend with Key, alone..

“Don’t you?” Key pulled his hand out of Jonghyun’s grip and spun around, staring at him with his hands on his hips. “You like the snow too, don’t you?”

Jonghyun forced a smile at Key, much like the way he’d been doing so for the past while, and ruffled the other boy’s hair with his hand, admiring the way the snowflakes caught onto those silky strands.

“I love it, Key,” Jonghyun said slowly, letting his hand linger in Key’s hair for a while before letting it drop and looking away. “What’re your plans for the Winter Break?”

Key said nothing, and then Jonghyun felt a warm hand grab his own cold one, and Jonghyun looked back to see Key frowning at him, eyebrows twisted together in concern.

“You’ll be okay, won’t you?” Key asked softly, one hand holding onto Jonghyun’s, and bringing up the other to cradle the side of his own face. “You need a break after all, but…you’ll be okay, won’t you?”

Jonghyun blinked, surprised at the question, more so surprised at the anxiety clearly displayed on the face of the boy he loved.

“Of course I’ll be okay,” Jonghyun replied slowly. Key nodded, more to himself, and looked away, starting to walk down the sidewalk, holding onto Jonghyun’s hand and pulling him in stride.

That was a relief. It almost seemed as if Key had caught on for a moment there.

The truth of the matter was Jonghyun wasn’t okay. He couldn’t sleep properly, food was tasteless, and if possible, there was something wrong with his eyes. Everything was constantly grey but he knew that was more so his mentality than anything else.

For the past couple months, even singing didn’t fill him up with that rush of passion, that reason to live, that he always clung onto when life got tough.

For the past couple months, the only reason he was still holding on was because of the boy walking ahead of him, holding his hand. Heck – Key was forcing him to hold on, in a sense, and…

It scared Jonghyun to be away from the boy. As pathetic as it may have sounded, Jonghyun was kind of hoping that as they walked back to Key’s place, the snow would sweep them up together and make it so that he didn’t have to leave. Part of him was hoping Key’s parents would ask him if he’d like to stay as well.

As pathetic as it sounded, the only place Jonghyun wanted to be was by Key’s side. The dorm – that was a place where he could constantly be by Key’s side. Even during performances that gave him headaches, made the room spin and made it hard to breathe – at least, all the time, Key would be there.

Even if Key didn’t know it, Jonghyun depended on the other boy to give him reason to go on each day. Key’s love gave him the meaning that he was reaching for, searching for the past couple months.

It scared Jonghyun to be away from the boy, even if it meant only a day. The winter break lasted about 2 weeks, and he knew that chances he’d get to actually physically spend time with Kibum were slim. He had to take the train to get back to his family’s place, and it was at least a 2 hour drive back to his place.

“Jonghyun? Are you listening to me?” Jonghyun snapped his head up and with a sinking feeling realized that they were already in front of Key’s house.

“Ah, what?” Jonghyun mumbled, looking at the boy he loved dazedly. Key was always so dazzling, it was as if there was nothing wrong with the other boy. His flawless, porcelain skin in the snow simply emphasized his absolute perfection…

“I was asking you if you wanted to meet up with everyone else for Christmas?”

Jonghyun blinked.

“Uh, isn’t the point of Winter Break to hang out with family during Christmas?” Jonghyun wasn’t sure why he was shooting down the other boy, but he knew that Key was very family oriented and Christmas was a day that…

“Alright then.” Jonghyun wanted to bash his head against the bricks of Key’s house at Key’s reply. Key didn’t even bother putting up a fight – he probably just felt piteous or something towards Jonghyun. He probably didn't even want to meet up...he was just...what if he didn't even really care to begin with really?

Jonghyun let go of Key’s hand and braced another smiled at Key, letting the younger boy smile back. Key put his hands on his shoulders and leaned in, brushing his soft lips against his own, before pulling back.

“I’ll see you soon, neh? And you can always call me or text me, okay?” Key grabbed Jonghyun’s hand and squeezed it once more before letting go and turning to the door. “Be careful on your way home, yeobo.” Key said, smiling that beautiful smile, his teeth were as white as the snowflakes that fell, at Jonghyun, and Jonghyun nodded.

The door closed, and he stood there for some time, at where Key had disappeared. His heart sunk, and he resisted the urge to pound on the door, to beg Key to let him in as well, not to leave him.

Accompanied by a sudden sense of emptiness, Jonghyun turned away and started towards the train station. He already wanted to text Key – but that was pathetic, wasn’t it?

---

It had been three days, and Jonghyun only got up out of bed once or twice each day, to grab food or take a shower. The depression that had been beginning to lift slightly with the presence of the boy he loved had come back down, weighing on his shoulders in a manner he couldn’t bear.

Only a week or so more. It’ll be okay.

He looked at his phone again, for the fourth time in less than a minute, swallowing at the last message Key had sent.

‘Out with family. You having fun?’

Fun. When was the last time Jonghyun had had fun?

Hell, it was winter break, and the family he never even saw while at the dorm wasn’t here. His parents often worked, and he was usually left at home alone.

Jonghyun had replied with ‘Yes’ and despite it not being the kind of reply that requires a text, he waited for one anyway.

He’d been the one to text Key first. Each time, Key was the one who stopped replying when Jonghyun replied with texts that didn’t feel important enough? to reply to.

Jonghyun pressed the phone against his chest and closed his eyes again. He looked out the window at the snow, almost distastefully. Jonghyun didn’t hate snow. He really didn’t, but at that moment, he really wished it hadn’t been snowing.

Maybe he could sleep the entire week away.

---

Key hadn’t replied to his text that day. Jonghyun had woken up and freshened up and oh, there was only two more days until Christmas, and he’d told Key that his parents had yet to come home from their business trip. He’d mentioned to Key that he’d probably spend the Christmas alone.

He’d hoped for Key to reply with ‘oh, then come spend Christmas with me, yeobo!’ but Key hadn’t replied at all.

Actually, for the past couple days, Key only replied once to every three texts Jonghyun sent. And the texts were distant, short, filled with a little ‘^^’ or ‘<3~’ at the end, but it didn’t make up for the fact that Key didn’t seem like he needed him at all.

Jonghyun curled up under the covers, drawing his knees to his chest and clutching onto the phone. The few times he’d gone online, Key hadn’t been on MSN either. Key couldn’t constantly be out with his family, could he?

What if…?

No. He wouldn’t let himself go there. He had to trust Key.

He had to trust Key because there was no one else to trust.

There was nothing else he could do.

He looked out the window, and noticed that it was snowing harder. Hopefully Key was safe.

Jonghyun hated snow now.

It made him feel sleepy.

---

Jonghyun woke up to Christmas Eve feeling sick. He’d fallen asleep without eating the day before, and glanced at the phone that was still in his hand.

No reply. Maybe Key hadn’t gotten it?

Jonghyun stared at the wallpaper on his phone, one of both he and Key, Key kissing his tinged pink cheek.

Did Key have someone else aside from family back home?

Did Key not need him?

Did Key ever need him?

Jonghyun shot up from the bed, trying to hold back the thoughts rushing into his mind, overwhelming his body that was now shaking.

Pathetic, Jonghyun. Calm down. Key has a life – it’s just you that doesn’t.

Jonghyun got to his feet and staggered a little, telling himself that he’d wash his face, grab some food, and then just text Key again.

A glance out the window to his room told him that a blizzard was brewing.

He hated snow. Was it because Key loved it? Maybe even more than Key loved him?

When he reached the washroom, he stared into the mirror. His face was somewhat bloated from all the sleep, but despite the sleep his eyes were bloodshot. He brought a hand to the side of his face, frowning at his reflection.

You look like .

Jonghyun felt his eyes start to burn.

Why would someone like Key even want to be with you in the first place?

He probably has someone else.

Jonghyun wanted to go back to sleep, but his head already hurt from the oversleep he’d been doing the past week. Only one more, and then he could be with Key again.

But what if Key didn’t want to be with him anymore? What if that’s why Key didn’t reply to his texts?

The depression that had come back with some sort of fury pushed away Key’s wavering presence in his mind and stabbed through Jonghyun’s being. He clenched onto the sink counter, looking away from his miserable reflection.

You’re being irrational, you’re being irrational.

Sleep. He just needed to sleep. He could sleep.

But he wasn’t even sleepy anymore.

In his disoriented state of mind, Jonghyun’s hand trembled as they ran themselves through his hair, almost frustrated.

Sleeping pills.

Jonghyun opened the cupboard and shuffled through it, looking for the orange bottle of pills. His mother used to have trouble sleeping, and he remembered the times before he debuted, his mom asking him to bring him the bottle-

The very bottle his hand now clasped, bringing it up. Ah, it was new too. 

The pills were white like snow. 

Jonghyun sunk to the floor, holding onto the bottle and leaning against the bathroom counter.

With a boyfriend-was he even your boyfriend? Maybe he saw through your act and just felt bad for you. And now that he’s back home, he has other people more important than you to tend to…someone like you in his life, so clingy and possessive…

Key needed someone better than him.

Absently, Jonghyun popped the cap open and shook the pills into his palm.

Key at least has a family that wants to spend time with him. But that’s because people like being with Key, Key had worth.

What worth did Jonghyun have?

Before he knew it, the entire contents of the bottle were in his palm, the white pills bright under the washroom light, countless in his palms. White pills, white. Like snow, he thought again, half hazardly.

He was tired, but all he’d been doing lately was sleeping. So sleep wouldn’t come that easy.

Maybe the more he took, the longer he’d sleep, and when he woke up the break would be over and he could be with Key again.

Maybe the more he took, the longer he’d sleep, and he’d wake up happy again.

Happy. Not this sadness that continuously presented itself in his mind, but happy. Genuinely happy. People liked being with happy people. Maybe Key was sick of him because he wasn’t happy.

Before he knew it, Jonghyun got to his feet, pills carefully in his hand, and picked up the glass his mom often used to swallow down the pill before she headed to bed.

He dropped the pills onto the counter and filled up the glass of water, his lips. He was thirsty too, wasn’t he?

And then the bitter pills were on his tongue, being washed down by the refreshing cool water.

Jonghyun slid the remaining pills onto his palm and clapped his hand against his mouth, before bringing the glass to his lips and swallowing them as well.

He glanced at the empty bottle on the counter, and waited for the rush of sleepiness to wash over him.

He filled the glass with some more water, and then gulped it down, waiting for the pills to take their desired affect.

Interestingly enough, he felt more nauseous than asleep. Upset that the pills probably wouldn’t work, he did sleep too much anyway, Jonghyun stumbled back to his bedroom and crawled onto his bed, pulling the covers over him and shutting his eyes.

He felt weird, a little lightheaded, but still not tired. A little nauseous too.

Maybe if he kept his eyes closed, he’d eventually fall asleep.

Maybe it would stop snowing once he woke up.

---

Someone was shaking him, and there was shouting in the background. Were his parents already home?

“How many?”

“I don’t know!”

“He’s foaming!”

Someone had pulled him, and everything felt dizzy and rushed, and who’s voice was it, they were all so loud couldn’t they see he was trying to sleep?

“C-come on,” Who’s voice was that? They were crying-

Something lurched in his stomach and Jonghyun opened his eyes to realize he was on his knees, and someone was patting his back, sobbing something and-

Jonghyun’s stomach lurched again, and there was something like spit filling his mouth, and he felt dizzy, why didn’t they just let him sleep-

“Oh – oh m-my god, he’s-“ It was Key who was sobbing. And there were still voices, shouting in the background.

Then a bitter taste filled his mouth and expelled itself on his bedroom floor, nausea overwhelming and accompanying the white vomit. In his daze, Jonghyun realized that he was throwing up, but it was all foamy and it was so disgusting. It looked kind of like snow, in his wild state of mind.

“Wh-what have you-what-“ Key was gasping and Jonghyun suddenly felt very weak, slumping back into the other boy’s arms, god damn it the room was still spinning and where the hell was he-

“They’re on their way, calm down Taemin, Minho try to call his parents-“ Was that Onew? Where-why were they-

Darkness tugged at Jonghyun’s vision and he let it take over, because he was still sleepy.

---

“What the were you thinking?”

It had been about an hour since Jonghyun had woken up, and the questions were the same, angry and bitter. Onew said nothing from where he stood behind Key, and it was Key who seemed absolutely livid.

Serves him right, let him yell, then he’ll leave you and-

“Please stop yelling at him, Key-hyung,” Taemin whimpered from Jonghyun’s other side.

“Stop yelling at him!? He could’ve died!”  Key hissed at Taemin, before looking back to glare at Jonghyun. “Unless of course, that’s what you wanted?”

Jonghyun didn’t know how to reply. He’d just wanted to sleep, really.

Sleep and never wake up.

That wasn’t bad, was it?

“Whaday izzit?” Jonghyun’s lips were dry, and his tongue stuck to the roof of his mouth. He words came out garbled, and he wasn’t sure why.

“You were out for a day. They pumped your stomach.”

That explained the tubes.

Wait, that meant-

“Merry ing Christmas, you idiot,” Jonghyun looked back to see tears streaming down Key’s face and felt a rush of guilt.

“What were you thinking, exactly?” Onew asked as Key turned away from Jonghyun, putting his face in his hands. Jonghyun tore his eyes to meet with his leader’s, and swallowed.

“Water?” He rasped out, and Minho, who’d been standing silently behind Taemin, grabbed a bottle of water and opened it, holding it towards Jonghyun. Jonghyun grasped it and poured it down his bitter tasting dry throat, swallowing and his lips. He looked back in Key’s direction.

“Here, we thought to surprise you with a Christmas party, and you make Key use his spare key because you were busy dying in your bedroom?” Onew asked dryly. Jonghyun looked back at Onew, feeling guilty.

“But I…thought…”

Key whipped around, dropping his hands from his face and threw himself at Jonghyun, grabbing him by the shirt and lifting him up a little.

“WHAT IF WE WERE LATE?!” Key shouted in his face, tears freely streaming down his face, and Jonghyun blinked.

“Hey, be careful,” Minho said softly, and Jonghyun wanted to wince at the absolute fury in the boy he loved eyes. He’s mad.

Key let go abruptly, stepping back as Jonghyun fell back onto the hospital bed, wary.

“Since you said you didn’t want to spend Chr-Christmas together so you could do that?” Key demanded, in a shaky voice.

“Exactly how long have you been depressed?” Onew sounded testy now, and his eyes were narrowed, arms crossed.

Jonghyun looked away from everyone, down at his hands clasped together tightly.

“I’m not depressed, I was jut tired-“

“Don’t give me that bull!” Key snapped, angrily, and Jonghyun looked up to see the other boy visibly shaking. “You had a full prescription of sleeping pills found in your stomach. You’re lucky we found you when we did!”

Oh yeah, the sleeping pills. White like snow. 

Jonghyun felt even more tired now, than he had earlier.

“What the hell do you mean, lucky?” He asked, dryly, no longer caring how he sounded. “Who said I wanted to be found? I was trying to sleep, why the hell did you have to wake me up?” Key’s mouth dropped open, eyes widening slightly, and Jonghyun didn’t care how he sounded anymore. “What am I doing awake, anyway?”

“You wanted to die?”

Jonghyun realized with a start that that was exactly the kind of sleep he’d been referring to. Only as the words left Key’s mouth, did it register.

And then his eyes were filling up with hot tears, and he bowed his head, looking away from everyone.

The movement was enough, and Key let out a strangled noise from the back of his throat before wrapping his arms around Jonghyun, hugging him tightly.

“We’ll m-make you b-better, yeobo.”  Key half sobbed, burying his pretty face into Jonghyun’s hair, and Jonghyun just how that was possible, letting the tears escape his eyes as well.

He wondered if it was still snowing outside. Maybe the snow would make Key stop crying.

---

“So, a couple months, huh?” They were in Key’s room, after keeping him at the hospital for two days to monitor both his physical and mental state. They only let him leave because Key had promised to take him back to his room.

The other members had accompanied him at the hospital, and then returned to their own families,  promising to meet back up at the dorm for New Years.

Key hadn’t said much to him, leading Jonghyun to his room and accompanying the older boy as he changed.

Key hadn’t left his side once, since they’d all found him.

Jonghyun nodded now, in reply to Key’s question. The boy he loved sighed, lying down on the floor as Jonghyun sat, timidly on the bed.

“Here, I thought you were just stressed out.” Key said softly, looking up at Jonghyun from the floor, sadly.

Jonghyun half smiled at Key, not really sure of what to say.

“Why didn’t you just tell me you were feeling…so upset?” Key sounded choked up now, swallowing hard and sitting up, looking away from Jonghyun.

Jonghyun didn’t know what to say. Key looked back to him, imploringly, and Jonghyun made a weird hand gesture, waving at Key to join him on the bed. The boy got up and did so, sitting next to Jonghyun and leaning against him, sniffling a little.

Jonghyun didn’t know how to express his thoughts, or his feelings at that moment. ButKey cared about him.

Key loved him.

He looked out the window in Key’s room, at the white falling from the skies, meeting the snow on the ground – much like clouds.

It was beautiful, the scenery. And Key leaning next to him, next to him, beside him. Key being next to him – it made him feel whole.

“We left your presents back at your house,” Key said softly, probably realizing that Jonghyun had no intention of answering his question.

Jonghyun nodded, not taking his eyes off of the winter displaying itself so magnificently outside the window.

He felt different. Mellowed out, almost. As if the entire ordeal had woken him up, made him realize that they did care. All of them. Even Key. He wasn’t happy, no, but he felt better.

He didn’t know why. Maybe it had been Key shedding so many tears – the clear display of how they did care. He forgot that they all cared.

Because Key hadn’t been ignoring him, Key had been on the train with the other boys, coming to his house to spend the day with him.

The snow was pretty – why did he hate it so much before, again?

“I love the snow,” Jonghyun heard himself say, ripping his gaze from the snow and looking to the boy leaning against him.

“What?” Key asked, a little confused, and Jonghyun felt better, almost healed in that moment. He couldn’t tell Key that he loved him, at least not right then, because he was still tired and just two days ago he’d almost left the other boy forever.

“I love the snow,” Jonghyun repeated, looking back out the window. “It’s beautiful.”

There was a pause, and he heard a small laugh escape the lips of the boy he loved.

“I love the snow too, yeobo.” Key said softly, and Jonghyun smiled a smile that wasn’t forced for the first time in ages. 

---

Yeah. So there's that. I don't know. Yeah.