*two years later*

There were moments few and far between in Bae Joohyun's life where she could say she felt an overwhelming sense of anger and frustration.
 

There was that time when she was nine years old, and some painfully annoying male classmate of hers had shoved her down on the playground, and dirt had stained her brand new yellow dress.

There was the time when she was fourteen, and she learned her friend was being bullied by a group of girls from an older grade.

There was the time when she was eighteen and one of her relatives had laughed in her face when she expressed her dreams of wanting to be an idol.

There were some moments here and there as well, times that she was so irritated that her body temperature probably raised a few degrees. And she always followed the same protocol, when her was appropriately angry about something reasonably annoying or unfair.

She did nothing. 

And each time she did nothing, it was like a new layer of regret added to her character, one she would think about time to time, and try desperately to take her mind off of. She thinks of things she should have said, things she wish she had done in the past, but was too afraid to stand up for herself or someone else. And she always told herself that it was for the best, to stay out of trouble and keep a low profile. Once idol life started, she decided it was still a good motto to live by, because she didn't need to be causing drama for her group and giving them a bad rap, especially as their leader.

But then, this happened.

"Seungwan-ah, are you alright?"

Seungwan's eyes don't look up from the wooden floor of the practice room, and it makes Joohyun push off the wall she was leaning against, beginning to walk over to the younger girl. They were approaching their fourth hour in practice for their new comeback, and Joohyun had begun to notice the way Seungwan's energy was beginning to slow drastically. Seungwan had asked for a small break which Joohyun quickly allowed, and everyone sat down in almost the exact place they were standing, enjoying the fifteen minuets of rest. She had been eyeing their vocalists for few minuets, the way she closed her eyes in rest and kept them that way, but decided it would be best to check up on her. She only makes it about halfway across the room though.

Then, the smaller girl slumps over, her body seemingly crumbling in on itself before falling sideways.

Then next twenty minuets pass with so much chaos that Joohyun almost can't remember them if you asked her what happened. The other three girls in the room scream. They call the SM emergency number. Seungwan is rushed to their company emergency room. Always keeps things quiet. Always keep it from the public if you can help it. Seungwan is laying on the bed, still sleeping but nonetheless will be okay. 

And Joohyun isn't sure how to feel.

"Unnie," a voice breaks her from her thoughts as she looks up from the white tile of the hospital floor where she sat, next to Seungwan's bed.

She faces a crying Yerim, tears sliding from her eyes quietly as she wipes them, and she hands Joohyun the object in her hand.

Seungwan's phone. 

She looks up at Yerim, who just nods to the phone with a little more desperation on her face. She knows that it's not right, that Seungwan should be allowed to keep the small amount of privacy she has in this industry. But as Joohyun looks over at the frail body laying on the bed, she looks down at what Yerim has pulled up. It's Seungwan's search history. On Google, on social media, on korean news websites. 

"wendy red velvet weight"

"wendy weight gain"

"wendy red velvet fat"

Joohyun flinches at the words, not wanting to delve deeper. But she makes herself click on the links that Seungwan had visited, begrudgingly reading the articles and comments. They're filled with nasty, rude, hateful comments on Seungwan's figure. It brings back a familiar feeling of intense anger inside her that she hasn't felt in a long time. Looking back a ways, she sees that these types of searches and website views are dated from about five months ago all the way up to just that morning.

She hands the phone back to Yerim, keeping an even expression on her face.

"Thank you for showing me that," she says quietly, a little distant. 

Yerim doesn't seem to notice.

"It just, " she starts, sitting next to Joohyun on the cold floor, "it's just such bull," (she doesn't take a chance to look at Joohyun's face because of her cuss word, not like Joohyun cares at the moment), "Seungwan unnie is so beautiful. She's so beautiful, and the nicest person ever, and so talented, it's so unfair how people can do this to other people," Yerim says, and the cracking in her voice is obvious. Joohyun wraps her right arm around her, pulling their youngest into a hug, holding her tightly as she lets out her tears. She knows how bad this must be hurting her, Seungwan means so much to the young girl. She means so much to all of them. She means so much to Joohyun. So, so much.

They say they are going to let her go that night, that she will be fine.

"You girls will return to your practice tomorrow morning, and Seungwan will join you the following day."

It's what their managers tells them, as they wait outside while a nurse talks with Seungwan. Joohyun wasn't in the room when Seungwan woke up, and she was eager to go in and hug her. But the words of her manager make her stop dead in her tracks, turning to face him with an expression on her face that makes the others stop moving too. She feels that familiar anger in tenfold. She doesn't give her next actions even a second thought.

"Can you repeat that?" She asks quietly, any honorific dropped.

"It's the orders from the company ma'am, your comeback is too close to let this halt practices," he says, unnerved.

There's a beat of silence.

Then Joohyun walks right up to him, and the other three girls hold their breath.

"Seungwan will not be joining us in any practices for the rest of this week or weekend, not after what has happened. And I will not be joining practice tomorrow, I will be at the dorm with her," Joohyun says, her voice steady and quiet. When their manager opens his mouth to argue, she continues. "If there is a problem with that, the company can take it up with me directly. She needs a few days to recover, and will not be joining. I don't care how close our comeback is, I would rather it fail then put her health at risk, it's not up for debate. Am I clear?" She finishes, her voice still quiet but laced in ice. She knows she has no right to talk to their manager this way, but she can't bring herself to even begin to consider this. Thankfully, he nods quickly and mumbles something about their driver waiting outside, avoiding eye contact with her and scurrying off. It's silent for a moment.

"Seungwan is not to know about this," she says to the others, who nod quickly, sparing glances at each other behind Joohyun's back, before the eldest pushes open the door to Seungwan's room, ready to bring her home.

--

No one says much on the ride home, they just hold Seungwan's hand and try to keep in tears, telling her how happy they are that she is okay.

"You guys cant get rid of me that easily," she jokes, but even her voice sounds tired. The air in the car feels tense with unspoken words, but as long as Seungwan is okay, they will be okay.

When they get back to the dorm, Seungwan says she's going to go shower, saying she still feels icky with the sweat from that morning. Once she disappears behind the bathroom door, Joohyun calls the others to sit down in the living room, and they all settle in to listen to their leader. 

They look at her expectantly, and she stares at the blank wall behind them, just above where the tv rests on the entertainment center.

"I will stay home with Seungwan tomorrow. I don't want her to feel smothered, and it's not that I don't trust her alone, it's just that..." she begins to trail off, unsure how to justify her actions. Thankfully, Seulgi rests her hand overtop of hers. 

"We know unnie, we know," she says quietly, and Joohyun relaxes. Seulgi pats her hand, and they all slouch into the couch behind them.

"I don't know what to say to her," Yerim begins quietly, "I don't want to overwhelm her after what happened, but I, I want her to know that she, she," her voice starts to crack, and the others pull her in. They know what she's trying to say. 

They talk together for only a little longer before the sound of the water cutting off breaks them out of conversation. Two doors open and close, before Seulgi says she's gonna go get in bed for the night. "I'll keep an eye on her tonight unnie," she says to Joohyun, who sighs at her words, visibly relaxing. She thanks her, then Yeirm says she exhausted, and leaves for her and Sooyoung's room.

"When are you going to bed unnie?" Sooyoung asks, pulling her feet up onto the couch and facing her leader.

"I don't know," she answers quietly. She can't imagine closing her eyes and willing thoughts of today out of her head for long enough to fall asleep.

"I know this isn't the right to bring it up, but frankly I don't think anyone else in this dorm has it in them to be honest with you, but when are you going to address this unnie?" Sooyoung asks, leaning back into the pillows behind her. 

This raises Joohyun's head from its lowered position, looking at the younger girl. 

"I don't know, I suppose when I am with her tomorrow I may gently try and bring up how she's been feeling, and her diet lately-"
"That's not what I'm talking about," Sooyoung cuts her off.

Joohyun only frowns in confusion, copying Sooyoung's action of pulling her legs into her lap.

"Unnie, I have never seen you more terrified than today, and we have been through a lot of terrifying moments," Sooyoung begins lightly, and suddenly Joohyun doesn't like the direction this conversation is heading in. "The moment she passed out I thought you were about to too," she says, smiling slightly.

"I would have felt that way about any of you," Joohyun begins, a defensive edge in her voice. 

"I never said you wouldn't," Sooyoung replies quickly, smiling like she's won something.

"Look unnie, we don't have to talk about it if you're not ready-"

"There's nothing to talk about," Joohyun interrupts her, her eyebrows furrowed.

"Your defensiveness tells me otherwise," Sooyoung says, Joohyun's coldness not affecting her in the slightest. Before Joohyun can say anything else, Sooyoung stands up and stretches her limbs. "I'm gonna go check on Yerimie then head to bed, night unnie," she says as she begins to walk away, but she turns around to face Joohyun before her body disappears behind the hallway. "I'ts not just today unnie. I've known you for more than three years, and I'm not blind. If you want someone to talk to, I'm here, and I love you okay? Don't stay up late," she finishes, not letting Joohyun answer before she slips behind the wall. Joohyun slumps into the couch.

"I love you too Sooyoungie," she whispers into the air, a light laugh leaving her lips despite herself.

--

"Unnie, you don't need to stay with me, I'll be okay," Seungwan says as the other three girls hug her goodbye and walk out the door. She doesn't necessarily sound annoyed with Joohyun, but she still sounds tired. Joohyun turns around from where she's using a spatula to move around some eggs on the pan, turning the burner off when she realizes they're a little brown. She's trying a western breakfast she looked up late the night before, but it seems a little off. Nevertheless, she faces Seungwan with a smile.

"I never said you wouldn't be okay Wan, I just think its been a while since the two of us have been alone," She explains, turning back around to the pan and scooping the last section of food onto a plate, before turning around to face Seungwan at the bar counter, sliding the plate in front of her. Seungwan looks down at it, before a fond smile of recognition passes her face.

"Oh unnie thank you, but I'm not very hungry..." she begins, trailing off quietly when she realizes what shes saying.

With a sad smile, Joohyun walks around the counter and takes Seungwan's hand, leading her to the couch.

"I think you need your unnie," Joohyun says playfully. Or she meant for it to be playful, because just a moment after she finishes her sentence, Seungwan has tears in her eyes, and Joohyun is wrapping her in a hug. She can't help but flinch at how small Seungwan feels in her arms.

"I'm so sorry Joohyun," Seungwan says against her shoulder, muffled by her thick sweater. 

Joohyun pulls the smaller girl back and wipes the tears that were falling down her puffy cheeks. "You have nothing to be sorry for, don't even start with that," she says, knowing how soft Seungwan's heart can be.

"No, I know you guys feels stressed to look after me now, which is the last thing we need on top of this promotion," she says, her voice thin as more tears follow.

"Seungwan," she begins, her voice a little sterner as she holds Seungwan's hands with her own, looking into her red eyes, "looking after you is no stress, my number one priority as leader is making sure you, all of you, are okay," she explains, and Seungwan sniffles and takes in a shaky breath. Then the websites come into Joohyun's memory. She releases a low breath.

"Why did you do this Seungwannie?" she asks, her voice softening as Seungwan looks down and away from her, embarrassed.

"I made the group look bad unnie, you saw how I looked. All everyone talked about is how fat I was, and it made Red Velvet look bad. I looked terrible unnie," she says like its a fact, and Joohyun begins to shake her head. She of course assumed it had to do with Seungwan's previous figure, but hearing the words come out of made something in her chest ache.

"No Seungwan-ah," she breaths out, using her hand to lift Seungwan's chin to look her in the eyes, "you never looked terrible. When I looked at you I only ever saw the most stunning, talented, sweetest, most caring, most adorable girl I've ever known. I never once looked at you and thought any of the things people said, or anything of the things you saw," she says, her eyes beginnings to shine with tears.

"Oh come on," Seungwan starts, beginning to argue her claims when Joohyun holds a hand up, quieting her.

"I mean it. I would have never changed one thing about you," she says, her voice sincere.

"Really?" Seungwan asks, with a small, unsure voice. If Joohyun could have one wish in that moment, it would be for Seungwan to see herself the way she sees her.

"Never for one second," she says, pulling her in for a tight hug.

Later in the day, Seungwan keeps yawning after slowly eating her lunch, so Joohyun tells her to go lay down, and she doesn't protest, happy to take a nap.

Joohyun quietly cleans up in the kitchen, washing the dishes and putting the extras away for later, wiping off the counter. Once it looks good, she picks up her phone and goes to sit on the couch. She looks next to her, where Seungwan had sat earlier that morning, and let out a puff of air. She picked her phone up off the cushion next to her, unlocking it and going to her messages. She found her messages with Sooyoung and began typing something, then deleting it and retyping it. Then deleting that and retyping it. When she finally felt satisfied (not that she wanted to admit Sooyoung was right), she hit send and locked her phone.

"i think ill take you up on that talk you mentioned this morning"

Only five minuets later does her phone go off a couple times, but she makes a point to push her phone further and stare at the television, even if the words from the show never register inside her head.