When the Rain Starts to Fall

“I wish you said it earlier, so I wouldn’t have hoped for an ‘us’ in the first place.”

A storm was brewing.

          Wendy stared outside the window of the apartment living room, fingers tapping the glass tediously. She felt numb. The woman sighed, running her hand through ombre locks and suddenly she could not breathe as if her lungs were blocked from taking in air.

          The streets were enveloped in a foggy embrace as people clad in thick coats of different colors, ran through the streets with rough, leather boots. The sky seemed as if it was about to start wailing for the woman whose heart was ripped out of her chest; broken and grinded into dust.

          Her ears perked up at the sound of wheels rolling against the marble floors and Wendy was afraid to look behind her. She didn’t live alone-but sooner than expected, she was about to and she had to learn how to survive through life again, without the persons she had spent years with.

          Wendy flushed, heart almost leaping out of her chest. “J-Joohyun?” She squeaked. Irene knelt on the rocky ground, equally red even though a big smile was plastered on her face.

“Seungwan, can you spend the rest of your life with me?”

          Her eyes glowed with joy, the universe suddenly so incomparable with the beauty of the girl in front of Wendy. No words could have described the feeling the two had shared in that moment.

In a heartbeat, Wendy had shot up from where she stood and embraced the older woman with the tightest hug Wendy could offer.

“Yes, Joohyun. Yes.”

A cry left Irene’s throat and she shouted to the sky, resounding the ‘Yes,’ Wendy had given. They laughed, tumbling down the ground, fists up in the air.

“She said Yes!”

 “Wendy.”

The sultry voice Wendy had loved so much had never sounded this monotonous before. She took a shaky breath, palms clammy and lips quivering as she tried to push down the cry in .

“Yes, Irene?”

She still did not look. The name sounded foreign as it left her tongue.

“Wendy, look at me.”

          It softened. Forcibly, Wendy turned around with a crooked smile to see her girlfriend-now turned ex-standing still. She was still so beautiful. Just like a porcelain doll, Irene’s skin was milky white. Half of her face was buried under a red scarf and under her long, black coat, did she wear a long-sleeve turtleneck.

          Wendy felt warm just by looking at what she was wearing. But it was logical to do so as the woman in front of her had always been very prone to the cold. One of her gloved hands were in the coat’s pocket while the other gripped tightly on the handle of a purple luggage bag.

‘Oh. So it’s real.’

          Wendy wished she was dreaming. Her eyes lingered on the baggage, heart becoming heavier by the minute. “I’m leaving.” Irene paused, as she tucked a strand of ebony hair behind her flushed ear.

          She lost the stars in her eyes-the mirth that Wendy had once adored. But she soon realized that they left slowly throughout the timeline of their relationship. They were happy; Wendy couldn’t fathom how even when she had tried to save their dying relationship-no matter how much she desperately held on to the strings of fate, it just slipped through her hands.

“I’m sorry.”

          “Love?” Irene gently caressed Wendy’s tear-stained cheeks. Without a word, Irene had placed her forehead on her lover’s, kissing her nose. “I’m sorry.” Wendy shook her head, hands placed atop Irene’s.

          Irene had sneaked in, four in the morning only to find Wendy sniffling and crying to herself. Alarmed, she had slipped into the covers of the blue duvet and hugged her girlfriend. Immediately, she knew what was wrong.

“It’s okay. You’re here now.”

          Irene had started working night shifts. Wendy would wait for her to come home and fall asleep while Irene would arrive in the morning, too exhausted to start up a conversation.

          Wendy didn’t want to trouble Irene with the thoughts that she wasn’t treating her right. She didn’t want to sound clingy or make Irene think that everything was her fault.

“If you’re sorry, that means you regret it.” Wendy furrowed her brows and tried to pout. “I do.” Irene chuckled weakly, though her words were filled with the utmost sincerity.

“It doesn’t matter. Please don’t regret anything, sad or happy moments, if it’s with me.”

Taking the initiative, Wendy bravely kissed Irene’s knuckles. “You’ll always come back to me, no?”

Irene returned the kiss on her forehead, hiding the smile that tugged on the corner of her lips. The bags under her eyes told Wendy how hard she was working for the both of them-so it was okay.

“I won’t leave. I’m here forever and always.”

“Forever and always, hm?”

It didn’t matter how much she had tried, as it dawned on her that if the other party had stopped putting in effort, it was all in vain. “I know.” Wendy tried to stomach those words. She clenched her fists and gritted her teeth, refusing to let the pain seep through the cracks.

          Irene analyzed her, pupils devoid of any love Wendy had hoped to still see there. Wendy wondered where they went wrong? Why she coped with the fights and the periods of silence, why she had ignored the signs that spoke of how Irene had already started fading away, although physically there.

          “Hyunnie? Are you up for a movie today?”

          Wendy had turned her phone on to call from her office. She had finished work early and the boss was throwing a party today. Wendy was excited to spend her Friday together-after such a long and busy week.

          “Wannie, I can’t today. Maybe soon? I promised to go to the arcade with Jennie.”

          Her eyebrow twitched at the name. She pushed down the worry and suspicion inside her and she struggled not to be upset. “Again?” Wendy replied, quietly. She could hear the fuzzy background of people cheering through the line and Wendy’s heart sank.

          It’s been a month. They’ve had fewer time to spend with each other and more time joining others for something else entirely.

“Okay.”

“Soon, okay, love?” Irene promised. She sounded hurried.

          Bitterly, Wendy nodded. “Okay.”

          Irene bit her lower lip, “This is the last time but I...” She hesitated. Wendy raised her hand to stop her. She didn’t want to hear it. She didn’t want it to be the last time.

“Don’t. Please don’t. If you’re going to say it, then I beg you. Don’t unless you…”

Stay.

Don’t leave.

Don’t let it be the last time.

          Wendy started blinking rapidly, wishing to stop the tears from forming and falling. Irene kept silent, a knowing look on her face.

“Wendy, I can’t. Let me say it now. I need-I need to spare you-” Irene struggled forming her words and Wendy realized that in spite of the blank look on her face, this was just as hard for Irene as it was for her.

“I’ve kept to myself for a long time now.” Her voice cracked. “You don’t have to spare me anymore of your painful words, Irene.” Band aids could never have possibly healed the wounds in the first place. She raised her arms animatedly and laughed crookedly.

“I believe you will always be the caring and loving person I remember you to be. But-”

Wendy shuddered, sight blurring at the next words she had said.

“It won’t change how it ended.”

“I love you.”

          Irene froze at those words. Her heart beat rapidly in her chest and she realized that it has been so long since she heard those words. “I love you.” Wendy repeated, communicating all the feelings she had hidden-the longing, the love, the sincerity.

Irene cried that night.

          “I love you too.” Irene had poured out all those desperate emotions that she could not give with how busy they’ve been. “I love you.” Irene had whispered over and over as guilt washed over her.

Wendy only smiled at her. She knew. Irene knew she did. Their bodies trembled, unable to keep the hurt that had piled up within them.

Those words of affection, fondness, passion or devotedness-

Quickly turned to apologetic words.

“I’m sorry.”

          Wendy felt ashamed. She felt ashamed showing this vulnerable side of hers to the person she had committed herself to for the rest of her life. She felt exposed. She loathed herself now, as she stood in front of the door, with Irene helplessly turning her back, readying to go.

          In a few moments, she is about to disappear from Wendy’s life. But couldn’t she have done it without telling Wendy the things she already knew?

“I loved you.” Irene stated, this time, being the one to not look. Wendy chortled. She was never the type of person to look back. “I never doubted that.” Wendy replied. After all, this was their last conversation.

Irene took her time, fumbling with the hem of her coat. “But the longer I thought about it, the more it frustrated me. The more I was okay with being only your friend.”

Wendy had so many questions. ‘Why did you tell me forever and always, then? Why did you ask me to stay for life? Why are you the one leaving it all behind?”

It hurt. Even until the end, Wendy wanted to understand. Even if she couldn’t, with all her might. Her forehead wrinkled with how deep her brows were furrowed. She wanted to scream.

But that wasn’t her.

It wasn’t Wendy.

So she laughed. “I see.”

          “I can’t do this anymore.” Wendy woke up that morning, a dreaded feeling welling up inside her. Irene had sat on the edge of the bed, unmoving. Wendy didn’t have to ask what her partner was pertaining to.

“I love you.”

          How much has Wendy heard that this week? She pushed off the blanket and hugged her knees to her chest. She let out a hum.

The room heard the quiet sobs amidst their favorite song. “Can this be the last time I call you love?”

She wanted to say no.

          She wanted to keep the broken things out of her life. Out of the boundaries of her heart. But how can she stop the impending heartbreak when it had already opened the door and entered?

“Yes.”

Wendy did not expect Irene to turn back and look at her. She was taken back to see Irene crying without a care in the world. Her eyes squinted, grinning defenselessly for the first time in a while. It was then that Wendy noticed that she had also bottled it all up.

In the end, Irene wanted herself to be hated-just so that they would forget about each other. With her frail fingers, Irene grabbed the end of Wendy’s shirt. It felt as if an electrical current had gone through her whole body and she wanted to break down.

Why only now?

“Ironic, isn’t it? I was so insistent and pursued you until you told me that you loved me too.” It was excruciating; how Irene was waiting for the signal, hand slowly trying to find its place as if it was lost. Wendy had always caught her. Always led her to where she belonged.

Now it seemed nonexistent.

But out of habit, Wendy took her hand in hers and intertwined their fingers. “I couldn’t do those things to you, Seungwan.” Irene’s words were muffled as she closed her puffy, red eyes. Wendy stayed mute. Who would know what to say unless they would be in the same situation?

Irene tugged at their hands as if to say, It’s time.

So before it all ends, before Wendy’s world dims, before her world left, she had to close it.

“When we’re older…” She started hoarsely, trying to lower her hopes.

“When you’re ready…If you loved me still, will you come back?”

Irene beamed albeit weakly. She reached out her arm to ruffle Wendy’s hair. The woman wanted to do more than that, but if she did-

She wouldn’t leave. Irene knew that she needed to. If she didn’t, they would both destroy their selves in the process of trying to fix everything.

“If you won’t have someone in your heart when that happens…I will.”

Because she promised.

Because she wanted to.

          “If you would still wait for me, if I still have a home to come back to, I would always come back.”

          Irene was always level-headed. She knew how to handle her emotions perfectly. So the moment Wendy had reached out and enveloped her in those strong arms that has protected her from harm, Irene’s façade was torn apart.

She sniffled, teeth chattering with how cold the evening felt. The rain had come down hard. “So for the last time…” Wendy buried her face in Irene’s shoulder and shook her head. No, please.

Irene thought that if it was them, even the most bitter place on earth would become the happiest. Here in those loving arms, the sweetest home Irene had the honor of having, had turned the opposite.

“Goodbye, love.”

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Author's Note: Okay, I've disappeared for a loooong time, gone through a break-up and a school year filled with a mix of emotions. I found a person who inspired me to write again after everything that has happened. But listening to the song, "Sana" by I Belong to the Zoo, brought back the heartbreak. I wrote this in a hurry, afraid it would have slipped through my mind.

I'm trying to get back to the writing scene so I hope you can wait a bit more for me to get my act together and write again, with a new passion ignited. :)

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