I watched as you put 3 teaspoons of sugar in your coffee. You're focusing too much in the menial task like you always do. Your eyes were trained to the spoon’s movements. There’s a slight ripple in your face as you made sure that each particle of sugar was perfectly flowing in the middle of the whitish liquid.

 

 

 

 

It's scary how I have remembered it perfectly. How in my memories, you were just wearing different set of clothes and the teaspoon and the cups were different, the trivial details, but you still act the same.

 

 

 

Your face has not aged. It has not changed, your little scar was still there, you’re still haunting, beguiling, like in my blurry the memories. Maybe a lot better, so much better, especially for the lack of dark shadows under your eyes. Jung Soojung in flesh. You were smiling, my heart sinks a little.

 

 

 

It was obvious that you noticed that I was watching you because you have an amused expression in your face. You even giggled with your hands covering your mouth. It made the sides of your eyes crinkle. My heart sinks a little bit faster.

 

 

 

"If I don't know you, I would think that you’re being a creep right now Amber." you said coolly, like we never hurt each other, like we just spent yesterday eating ice cream, like we have spent the whole afternoon going over your loads of homework and I was mad at you for a good 5 seconds. Only for a few seconds that didn’t last because you’re smiling and so damn beautiful. I can’t help but smile back at you like reflex, bowing my head a little. The tips of my ears were hot and red. It was embarrassing. At least you were not expecting any response.

 

 

 

"Just two for you right?" you asked, already putting sugar on my coffee.

 

 

 

You're not looking at me. Your attention was focused on the task at hand. I wanted to stop you because I don't drink coffee with sugar anymore. I stopped drinking coffee like that.

 

 

I wanted to tell you that I hate sugar or cream in my coffee but I didn’t. You were humming, looking so delicate. I just kept on watching you, correcting my memory of you, correcting the way your eyes locks on the spoon, the way it drifts out of focus sometimes. I tried to amend my faulty memory now that I’m witnessing it again up close.

 

 

 

It was frustrating that I cannot look away even when you’re done putting too much sugar on the cup. You gestured to the coffee gracefully then you raised your tea cup hiding a half of your face.

 

 

 

I can’t see it but I know your smiling and I resisted the urge to pull you close. It’s inappropriate and my gut was suddenly telling me to stay away even if my heart was stuttering and I can’t take my eyes off of you. The coffee you sweetened remained untouched.

 

 

Neither of us speaks, not in a hurry to start or to end whatever this is, or may be not because you were raising your eyebrows, playfully eyeing me with the ever present amuse look on your face. Still not breaking the eerily comfortable silence, you tried talking to me through your eyes, looking back and forth between me and the sweetened coffee. It was adorable and painful to watch because it doesn’t seem real until you started grumbling. Of course, you would and I’d give in.

 

 

 

"You're supposed to touch my teacup with yours. Don't be rude stupid."

 

 

 

I didn't answer you. I just raised my cup like you said, like a lost puppy doing every demand you make.

 

 

"Thank you. A toast for old friends."

 

 

Your tone was cheerful.

 

 

"Amber, I missed you. So much."

 

 

 

It was your soft voice, barely audible and I desperately tried to find a trace of insincerity in your face. Anything that would give a lie away but I failed. Your hazel brown eyes were open, still way too honest, but I didn't say the same words back. It felt wrong somehow. It felt like I should not be hearing those words.

 

 

There was an antsy feeling crawling through my skin and it forced me to look away, choking on the lines I’ve been practicing every night in front of the mirror. You’re here but I can’t say it. Not I miss you, not the words come back to me.

 

 

I chose to stare at the raindrops slowly sliding on the glass window. The drizzle a while ago have become a heavy rainfall in an instant.

 

 

Why is heaven weeping when we meet again? I thought as I try hard to ignore your staring. You’re willing me to look back at you. I could feel your eyes at the side of my face, boring holes in my soul. Only the words I miss you were left clogging my throat but I’d rather choke than to say it out loud. It just felt so wrong.

 

 

 

 

You're eyeing me closely when I had the courage to look at you again. Your pensive expression made me think of possibilities, thousands of them. I've known you long enough to know that you're thinking hard about whatever you wanted to say. You’re probably mulling over the words. I kept silent, making indistinct patterns on top of table with my fingers.

 

 

 

You tried to reach for my hand but I pulled it away. You weren’t pleased, you started ranting I can’t really understand the words. Something really feel off. Maybe, the sadness in your eyes.

 

 

 

"Why are we here exactly?" I spoke cautiously, not waiting for you to finish what you were saying.

 

 

"Stop me from marrying him. I don't love him Amber." You replied in a different tone, so casually like it's rational, like it's normal to ask your ex-girlfriend absurd things like that. You're looking directly into my eyes, not even feeling the slightest bit awkward or off about this situation, about you and I sitting directly in front of each other a year later.

 

 

 

 

I knew you will forgive me. It's pretty evident that you have already forgiven me but I have not forgiven myself. That's one of the hardest part of withdrawing from you, for you. It's not helping that you’re here saying those words, saying that you missed me with the word so much. You were really asking me to stop you marrying the guy you choose over me, what do you expect me to say to that?

 

 

 

 

You love him. I know you do. I've seen the way you hold him close.

 

 

 

You never looked that happy when you hold me that close. You always looked so afraid when you touch me. "We both know you love him." I finished my thoughts, saying it out loud, telling you how I see through you and it surprised you.

 

 

 

 

You tilted your head to the side. Your eyes were glazed over, pinning me to my seat. You were worrying your lip with furrowed brows, looking at me like I’m a puzzle piece. It was hypnotizing to watch you, your facial expressions, your slight movements, always gentle and graceful, too attractive.

 

 

 

 

You crossed your arms in your chest and you actually smiled for whatever reason before speaking.

 

 

 

"I should have known better than to use the L-word. My bad, uh- daddy wants a grandson. I can't have that can I? not when I have my life planned already. I have so many places to be, so many people to meet. I do love him, but I don't love him that much." You answered slowly like you’re explaining a formula to me. In a tone that you usually use when you’re teaching your friends how to work on a problem and for what seemed to be the millionth time today I just watched you, listening intently to the way English sounds so divine from your tongue, how each syllable sounded so believable from your lips.

 

 

 

 

Your head dipped a little when you stopped talking, looking shy all of a sudden. Your face was covered with your long silky black hair and I stared at you longer, longingly. Few more seconds, I am not a creep. Maybe I am for still wanting you badly even after everything that has happened and everything that has been said and done. I can't give in to that request, though, No, not this time. I kept silent.

 

 

 

You looked determined when you lift up your gaze. The sadness never left your eyes. It was a staring game and no one was caving in. You were getting impatient on waiting for any response. It was a mind game neither of us like to play. I can feel it in the intensity of your gaze as I try to swallow the coffee you made. I have to force it through my throat. It doesn't taste right. You win. I turned my head away from before speaking. I should stop adoring you.

 

 

 

 

"I won't be your getaway gal if you're planning to run away from your wedding. I won't stand up for you and confess my undying love in your family dinner either, but we both know I'll be there for you whatever you choose if you will ask me to."

 

 

 

"You should stop talking like granny Am, but please help me, I won't ask you to be my getaway gal or for you to beg for a bullet in your head. I just- I need you."

 

 

You were pleading. Using the heart Ace card you always use on me. To everyone actually, because there is no one in this city that I know who doesn't fall for that. I won’t fall for that.

 

 

 

"Do you need me, or you just need someone? You can easily tell Minyhuk what's in your head. He'll help you with the Colonel."

 

 

 

"Amber." You sighed my name.

 

 

Shouldn't I be the one doing that? Shouldn't I be the one who’s feeling utterly exhausted by the direction of this supposedly friendly coincidental reunion. I can't help but think that you planned this, but then again I was thinking to highly of myself. I don't think you can plan when the rain will fall hard.

 

 

 

Heaven is really weeping that we meet again.

 

 

 

"I am never good with words like you, but please hear me. Believe me. You see, I realized that all this time, I am never truly happy with him because I am still in love with you. I-"

 

 

 

I raised my hand to stop you before wrapping my arms around myself as I lean away from the table, from you and those words.

 

 

"Soojung don't. Just don’t. You can still reach your dreams even with a kid. Even if you’re with him. It'll be harder but nothing worth it is ever easy, right?"

 

 

 

"Why are you pushing me away? Did you find it? Have you finally found it without me?"

 

 

 

How dare you talk about happiness at this point, in this spot in town, in the very seat where you ripped me apart before I finally accepted defeat in front of those strangers? My breathing got uneven as I thought of how unfair you were being at this moment. You're really the one who asks that with an accusing tone eh? I derided in my head but I didn't make a sound.

 

 

 

You looked like you genuinely want an honest answer. The innocent wondering expression made the anger and frustration, dissipate a little. I let go of a long deep sigh before speaking.

 

 

 

"You know how bad I am with directions. I'm pretty sure I need to understand how left and right works first before I found that."

 

 

 

That made you giggle. Your hands were covering your mouth again. I hate how that never changes somehow because the thought of him seeing it every day that we're apart was really nauseating. You're batting your eyelashes, looking away with a tint of pink in your cheeks, eyes still sad. You wanted me to continue.

 

 

 

 

No matter how much you deny it. We both know you fell for my words first, then for my pretty face second but never for what I am. We both hate what I am. Too bad, I will not say the words you want to hear this time.

 

 

 

"You know all too well that I will always be there for you. I was there on your graduation. I will be there when you walk down the aisle, I will be there when your first child is born, and the second and the third. I can do all that, with the biggest smile in my face if you will ask nicely, but I can't just be someone you need at this point. No, I want you to stand up for what you want because I won't help you make your dad hate you. We both know you love him. We both know that in the end, even if your dreams made you momentarily blissful you'll end up hating me because I help you making your dad hate you. I can't do that. I'm sorry."

 

 

 

 

"I thought you love me Stupid?" You asked using your childish-whining voice. Purring the insult turned endearment that makes me sick in the stomach with my toes curling pathetically. Dammit. I know you wanted to stomp your feet for the desired effect but you just opt to pull the sleeves of my jacket.

 

 

 

It was hopeless. I wanted to bury my face in the palm of my hands. If only I can move my left arm from your grip. It's not right to have this conversation. It's not right to have you act this way in front of me after one whole year of ignoring me. It's not fair that you’re acting too familiar and not at all awkward, when I can still smell his perfume when you’re this close.

 

 

It's not freaking fair that you’re asking me that question when I am the one who should be asking that, after all you are requesting me to have the whole army in my back, that's if I am crazy enough to grant whatever wish it is you have in your head.

 

 

 

I can't stand the tense of verb that you use so I choose to address it. Not the question in hand. Not the big fat WHAT-THE- written in uppercase all over this booth.

 

 

 

 

"It's been loving, you should really watch your tenses." You looked pleased and a tad bit smug when I said that. I don't know if I should believe the expression in your face now but my tactic to divert this conversation to a solid ground was proven futile. I just admitted something too obvious but it seems like honesty was not the best way to approach this kind of talks.

 

 

 

I don't really know how this should work. It's just been too long. God I wanted to hug you so badly right now.

 

 

 

". . . I knew it. Ha- Pany and Jess-unnie owes me 50 bucks."

 

 

 

"What?!"

 

 

 

I gaped at you. Are you seriously telling me that you have a bet with your sister and a dead girl that I am still in love with you? That's just plain evil and it almost slipped in my lips that it is, but then I wonder how much of it have you learned from me.

 

 

 

I bit back all the self-righteous questions, frowning as I repeat your sentence in my head. It's really odd that you sound like you didn't know that Tiffany is dead. A shiver runs down my spine as I look away from you again. How can you not know that one of your closest friends was dead? You're twin devil was right. Something was really off about the case.

 

 

 

"Hey, don't get mad okay? That bet is before we graduate, I’m just so pissed of you during those days. How could you ignore me just like that? I know you're having problems with your thesis and all, but duh."

 

 

 

I didn't respond. My head was spinning. I was really starting to believe that this meeting was more than just a coincidence.

 

 

 

"Am, look don't be too sensitive please. I just don't want us to be awkward. I -"

 

 

 

"I'm not mad." I corrected, you look really upset.

 

 

 

I was the one who should be upset but that’s not the point. I looked you directly in the eye to decipher something I need to know so badly.

 

 

 

My favorite hazel brown eyes were looking back at me still oddly sad but there’s no a hint of evil, or darkness that tried to seep its way to you when you crossed that path and try to get too close. Your still the angel, you've always been, but then you were lying again, and my stomach sank faster than my heart.

 

 

 

 

"I know you are, somehow you are. I understand that you are. You have every right to be angry. I'm so so so sorry. I stayed away from you because it pleases my dad. I did that for him, but I can't take it anymore."

 

 

 

"You're lying again. Stop lying to me if you want to get something out of this."

 

 

 

A loud boom, almost made the cups in front of us jump from the table. You instinctively tugged hard on my jacket until you’re almost embracing my arm.

 

 

 

Neither one of us remained on the cushioned seats. You were quick on your feet, wrapping your arms around my torso as soon as you’re close enough. I can't push you away even if I want to so I just let you pull me until we’re both seated at your side of the booth.

 

 

You were warm and soft and familiar. A bittersweet ache was palpitating in my chest. I should not be touching you. The distinct smell of his perfume mixed with your scent makes me dizzy. It's your irregular breathing that kept me in place. You whimpered when thunder resounded around us again, the conversation quickly forgotten.

 

 

 

Minutes passed, or hours, I don’t know. I don’t want to let you go but I can’t keep you. Not when there were no thunders anymore.

 

 

 

"Soojung." I whispered like I am saying a prayer. I should say it sincerely you said, that I should be honest with my words.

 

 

 

I feel you let go slowly, your fingers lingering below my shoulder blade before letting go completely. I didn’t move away as quickly as I should have. Taking a look at you up close, a little too dazed with just the simplest touch. The air was thinning the longer I stayed beside you.

 

 

 

You hid your face in your hands, feeling embarrassed of your actions. I took it as an opportunity to get away from the suffocating air around you. Having you close to me shouldn't feel like I'm dying every second. I got back to my seat, staring at the cold coffee in front of me.

 

 

 

 

 

"Tell me honestly please. You won't get near me if there's-"

 

 

 

"Please, trust me. It's just..I swear it's true I want you back. I...I don't know how to explain it yet, but I have a plan. It won't work unless you agree. Yu can't help me with it he’s…”

 

 

“. . .”

 

 

“never mind. You're my only hope Amber."

 

 

 

"You know that you just admit that you want me back because you need me right?"

 

 

 

"That’s not it!" you said exasperatedly holding on to my cheeks, pulling my face so I will look at you. "Listen Amber, you're the only one who really understands me. You-"

 

 

 

"Did you set this up?" I asked skeptically cutting you off. I have to know. Even if there were a lot of other things I should be asking.

 

 

 

"No, why would I. It's just meant that I bumped in to you in this time of desperation. Heaven wants us to meet again."

 

 

I scoffed at you loudly this time. Heaven was having a tantrum because we were having this conversation.

 

 

 

"Go home, Soojung. I'll see you again tonight."

 

 

 

Your lips were trembling. I kissed the palm that was holding on to my face unable to resist any longer. It was so wrong and you’re pulling me close and I don’t have the will to stop you.

 

 

 

This is not good.

 

 

 

"Baby please." You said softly. Your eyelids were slowly drooping lower. I hold on to your hand, firmly, still hesitating whether or not I should take it off my face. I should really stop this but I don’t want to. This is not right. Certainly bad, and this will mean cheating. I don't mind me cheating, but you will be. I don't want you to be a cheater again.

 

 

 

"I never thought that you have it in you to make the perfect Jung do stupid things Miss ert."

 

 

 

I jumped from my seat when I heard that ice cold voice. It really reminds me of a BBZ, Beer below zero. Cold and bitter, but still addictive, heavenly. I turned slowly, wary of Krystal.

 

 

 

She was sitting on the booth beside me, her legs were crossed, nonchalantly observing how you were running away from the coffee shop. I wanted to stop you because you'll get soaked from the rain but I can't move.  My knees felt so weak even if all I do in this place was sit, be stupid, and force the coffee down my throat.

 

 

 

I hold on to the edge of the table feeling annoyed with your evil twin cousin. What's with this lady seriously? Though admittedly I feel relieved. I almost dragged you to do something terribly wrong again. I stayed on my seat, forcing myself not to chase after you. That's too close.

 

 

 

"Does she know about Ms. Hwang?"

 

 

 

I shook my head, not really looking at Krystal. My mind is still everywhere because of that almost kiss and the direction of our conversation. Not to mention, your evil twin was seriously pissing me off with the name calling and her cocky attitude regardless of how hot she is. It's still kinda weird that she's starting a conversation so I looked at her voicing out my concern.

 

 

 

"What are you doing here anyway..err- Counselor?"

 

 

She just raised her eyebrows at me, disregarding my question by asking another one. She looked genuinely curious about something and she looked less intimidating with that expression.

 

 

 

"How did you know that little Ms. Perfect didn't know anything about what happened to Ms. Hwang?"

 

 

                                                         

The tone that she used made me wonder if there's really no one in this city who doesn't adore you Soojungie.