Approximately 36 months ago, football field somewhere

 

 

The wind blows hard, eroding dust all over the vast dryness. It's an annoyingly hot day months before the summer which makes it eerie. Sweat traverse from my forehead, dripping slowly down in my heated skin. I dislike this weather for thousands of reason and this searing heat before the threatening downpour is definitely one of the thousands.

 

 

 

"Cut, fifteen minutes and we're on the rally scene!"

 

 

I rolled my eyes in annoyance and relief that I'll finally be under the shade. It's my favorite feature of our damp field, the picnic benches well situated under a century old tree. I made a run for it.

 

 

 

The wind blows away the exasperating feelings, dusty or not. It gives relief somehow, but I’m still burning somewhere inside. With my hair dancing in the rhythm of the chatter around me, I stopped a few steps from the wooden relief.

 

 

 

You are there looking like you belong to the scene, completely absorbed by the green and the blue and the brown hues around you. It's one of the most breathe taking things I love about you. You blend in, like everything was an abstract and you’re meant to be there even though in reality the details are vivid. The hues are vibrant, too vibrant that I would have painted it, or framed it for the matter.

 

 

I am future curator, not a painter.

 

 

An easy genuine smile forced its way on my face which irks me somehow. It's as if you have control to my senses like how you have command on the colors around you. My heart hammers and it's reverberating with the wind in my head through my ears and in my pulse.

 

 

 

Suddenly the loud chatter is silent and all that exists is you, with your signature smile that is as bright as the colors around you. Your eyes smouldering me with the same enigmatic pull. It draws me, till I'm in your vacuum. You are a different universe in my own little galaxy. My beautiful universe and it baffles me every single time I look at you because it's clearly reflected in your unnerving transparency that indeed, you belonged to me.

 

 

 

You didn't move or speak but you beaconed me to come close. The look in your face says it all, no words needed. It's one of the million things that makes us one. I stilled myself to give you one last smile, then I’m walking again which gradually turns into running until it's time to stop.

 

 

We are face to face.

 

 

 

You are looking up to me, disregarding the blinding rays of the sun. It's your loopsided grin now, and your eyes become those big brown doe irresistible orbs, I would have kissed you if we're in the safety of my room.

 

 

 

All the anger and resentment towards you that I felt before this project shoot started got carried away like the dusts in the field. It's eroded somewhere far that it can't reach me. Even my irritation to the heat and the weather fades. The sense of calm settled like the rhythmic swaying of the leaves.

 

 

 

The back of your fingers brushes the sweat running down the side of my face gently. You must be in trance like I am. It made me frown, someone might see. I took a big step backwards, before completely turning my back on you. We both know why I am what I am.

 

 

 

A deep sigh is followed by a cheerful voice. The masks is on. I shake my head slightly in disappointment to you and to me. When will we ever be free of this? I thought as I face you with the same masks on. We reflect the same shade of happy and it burns harder.

 

 

 

"Soojung-ah! you look terrible" the teasing tone is not forced but your eyes are velvety, darker.

 

 

 

I grinned cheekily before answering, transparent mask off for 30 seconds, it's enough to make your eyes shine bright again behind the fake.

 

 

"YAH!" I hit your arms lightly, letting it linger there unsuspiciously.

 

 

 

"What?! I have a proof you know, gosh. You look ancient. tsk tsk, I have a cure for that though."

 

 

 

You opened the paper bag in your lap with your lazy smile. I look down, playing with the stone with the tip of my sneakers. There's just too many people in the field today. I kept silent, you did too.

 

 

 

 

It is shattered, my left eye twitches.

 

 

 

 

"Ayo Amber." says the ever friendly Tiffany who had the nerves to just sit beside you without permission, I rolled my eyes before forcing my way in between the two of you.

 

 

 

"Hello beautiful."

 

 

Terrible flirts!

 

 

 

I snatched the iced cold Americano in your left hand before subtly pinching you hard on the side. You bite your to lower lip to stop any sound from coming out. It makes me smirk, but Tiffany is not done with her dig yet.

 

 

 

 

"Don't bite your lip Am, I want to do that."

 

 

 

My head snaps quickly to her with a look of pure horror in my face. The general's daughter just smiled toothlessly at me before winking.

 

 

 

 

"Soojung-ah your hair! Aish." You sniffed it, you definitely did, and my irritation dies down a little. "Anyway, Fany-ah did you fall from heaven?"

 

 

 

"No, but i scraped my knees climbing up from Hell.." I intervened before I murder someone.

 

 

 

My tone is neither light nor teasing but both of you laugh out loud to my chagrin. I hard on the straw making annoying noises to drown your voices. Sometimes I hate that I asked you to be nice to everyone especially to my friends.

 

 

 

You pat my head affectionately before going on with your "chat” with Tiffany. I just sit there and block out your voices. Enjoying your warmth instead. This how it is, how it has always been. Different people, different masks, but the same old cycle. It burns hardest when we're like this, but I'm with you. Spontaneous combustion from the inside is sweeter than sugarless Americano when you’re this close. It's addicting, and it consumes me with your vacuum and your hues.

 

 

 

***

 

 

Approximately 45 months ago, Basilica somewhere

 

 

The hard wood pressed in the flesh of my knees, my bones pressing back. It aches in the place where it meets, but I remained kneeling. It's part of the sincerity, the reverence. I pressed my eyelashes further in my cheeks.

 

 

You are breathing slowly behind me, sitting crossed legs on the pews.

 

 

 

The curious and amused look that decorates your unique features lingers on the back of my eyelids and that smile. Always that calming smile. It makes the silence in the holy place echo inside to depths of my soul.

 

 

 

A contented sigh escapes with a small smile as I thought of you.

 

 

 

My princess a dreamer.

 

 

 

You always tell that to anyone who would listen with their hearts and I never corrected you, because I am a dreamer indeed but I was a lost one before I met you. It's nasty business being dreamer, eternally thirsty for something surreal and beautiful and out of reach. Overwhelmed with want and overpowered desire for inexistent things. I wanted to discover the tree of life that light up the stars---the absolute goal, the pot of gold.

 

 

 

 

You are that tree or you became that tree, I may never know.

 

 

 

It's insanity to be honest, foolish, disturbing, but you gave me the tree of life I seek all those years and lit up my night sky in the process. It's the worst and the best irony in our dynamic, coexistence. You claimed to have a big black hole inside you but it's the light in your darkness that I crave.

 

 

 

 

Throwing in the social constructs, the desperate tries of people to bring down anarchy and promote peace as it was written in books. It's a pity that the prize to pay traps millions of individuals that abhors the tyranny of majority or perhaps fear it. People like you and me are forced to hiding, judged and persecuted.

 

 

 

The irony is complete and it has been burning you and me, so I kept on kneeling and whispered my pleas.

 

 

 

I'll pray hard enough for you and I because I know you listened when I asked you to pray, you do, but you never did. Maybe the God people worshipped for thousands of decades will give us a leeway. All I wanted is to be with you, and to keep on dreaming.

 

 

 

 

It's supposed to be scary but I'm more scared of what is beyond that. It makes me pray harder with my forehead glittering in sweat. Exhaustion is sweeping me off of my feet and I can't let it. The novena has not even started yet, so I reached out for the darkness.

 

 

 

 

The familiar warmth settles from the skin in contact with yours. You're grumbling about something, but you kneel beside me, and giving me light.

 

 

 

It's time.

 

 

 

I open the booklet with slightly trembling fingers. You hold on to my hand, smiling loopsidedly at me before taking it off of my grip. With the right distance and height, you held the booklet in front of my face then you bump your head with mine before nodding once.

 

 

The novena was uttered with the reverence required. Your belief is not needed, mine is enough. It's your faith in me that makes it sufficient for our cries to be heard.

 

 

 

 

***

 

Approximately 19 months ago, somewhere in the university

 

 

The crowd is almost suffocating me but it's the only place I feel safe. It’ll shroud me. It's buzzing with at least fifty voices that are enjoying the free cool provided by the school cafeteria. Never a comfortable place for me, but I sealed the relaxed mask. I am doing what needs to be done.

 

 

 

A forced laugh fooled the person in front of me and I almost rolled my eyes.

 

 

 

 

He is a nice guy. Not the type that will be an and claim friendzoned when all is said and done. My father favors him, and I love my father like how I love my dreams so I am seated in front of this nice male who's trying hard to impress me and he’s failing miserably. It may be a good thing for him that I have mastered feigning nice and excitement. It's an advantage for having a passion for arts and the best teacher.

 

 

 

You have shed thousands of masks in front of me and I've grew to love each of them. I am what I love, I am your thousands of masks when need arises. This one is urgent.

 

 

 

Another lame joke from the guy makes me snort and it pleases him. I don't know how to take the lazy smile and dreamy eyes this boy has in front of me even if I've seen in a thousand times before. He's just too good at this and it makes me wary so I tried to make him aware of it.

 

 

 

"Minyhuk oppa, please don't stare at me like that. It makes me uncomfortable."

 

 

 

I blushed on cue, not because of him but because I thought of how you look at me when I shed all my skins. My toes curl at the memory. I'm smiling genuinely at the stranger that my father likes. Mission accomplished.

 

 

 

"Aigoo my soojungie so cute."

 

 

"Don't call me that."

 

 

Silent, menacing. A 180degree tilt but I can't help it. Only one person can call me Soojungie.

 

 

 

He was taken aback for a few seconds, but the same lazy smile is back in an instant. It's starting to annoy me, but I kept on the nice charade. I am not allowed to disappoint Papa.

 

 

 

"Sorry little angel, so..."

 

 

 

I tuned him out after the angel word. It's almost laughable that I find it revolting to hear someone call me that. The only angel I know that exists is you. A wicked one sometimes, but it's because you're honest and there are just horrors in life that can taint angels too.

 

 

 

Ah I love art and ironies those are exactly the thoughts that are running in my head as big callous hands coveres mine. It startles me so I just stared at it. It looks foreign to me almost as revolting as being called angel by this stranger.

 

 

 

Before I can decide on how to deal with Minyhuk’s advances, I saw you in my peripheral vision. Then an automatic smile is drawn and my masks shatters while I am still looking at him. I try to subtly take my hand off of the table but he took my mistake as an assent to his actions. He hold on to my hand tighter. I am unable to pull away.

 

You were suddenly gone in my sight in an instant and scares me, because you always linger like a ghost. I crane my neck and you’re blending in again, with the crowd this time. You’re part of the chaos that suffocates me, I called out for your name.

 

 

 

"AMBER!"

 

 

 

A step back then another and another.

 

 

It's the other necessities of life that was keeping us apart these past few days, but you are still the only one. You are the only one for me and I am the only one for you. At least until this moment, because you are there a yard away from me now.

 

 

 

 

Your eyes are bloodshot and you're looking at me with the same glare you used to have when you looked in the mirror. Your universe in my galaxy is slowly cracking. His hand is setting my soul on fire and you are gone after giving me one last lingering look of the hatred I thought I've wiped out completely from your innocence.

 

 

I died I think. It feels like I am standing somewhere close in hell's threshold. The withering look has its desired effects but I have to keep on the charade. I lived without life for Papa.