Not For Long

Not For Long

 

It is a Saturday evening and the clatter of plates and silverware could be heard as she washes the dishes. There is a soft smile on Rosie’s face despite the ache in her arthritic joints. Memories, bright and warm, pop in her head.

It has been four years, hasn't it? Rosie asks herself. Yes, it definitely has. Today was the anniversary after all, and the old woman is sure that her memory is still sharp even in her old age.

She finishes drying the last plate and, with hands shaking, carefully stores it in the cabinet along with the other pristine and well-kept tableware. She slowly and carefully moves to the living room to where her rocking chair is. She used to be so lithe, so agile, but those days were long gone now. She was almost 85 and to her mind, there was nothing more but memories for her in this world.

Memories and blankets and socks to knit, to keep herself warm, now that there was no one to share her bed with.

She slowly lowers herself down on the rocking chair and picks up the tools and wool to start another scarf. She’s just finished making a blanket for herself so that she would be warm in the coming harsh winter season.

Before starting to knit, she glances at the old and worn out armchair that's angled in such a way that anyone who sits there would have the rocking chair in full view. She shifts her eyes to the now old and outdated television set.

'Sometimes, I still wait to hear your snores, you know?' Rosie whispers to the air, knowing that the person to whom you're directing it too hears it. She chuckles as memories so vivid resurface in her mind.

 


The years were visible in both of their bodies. Rosie had a head full of gray hair and her wife had hair that was white as snow. It was probably because of her always dying her hair a light color, in their youth.

Rosie had a slight hunch now, so wasn’t as tall as she was in her prime. She looks at her wife and sees how age has softened all of her edges but notices how her eyes still shine with so much life.

The eyes she fell in love with - the ones that looked at her with so much adoration, that allowed her a peak into the soul that was intertwined with hers - were still as bright and lively as the day you met her. They were wiser and softer yes, but still shone like the sun, like no number of years can extinguish the burning flame that is her.

They both had just retired a week ago, wanting to just spend the rest of their days with each other in their humble home. Rosie was still capable of working, though, but she knew her wife was having a hard time with moving around.

Rosie blamed it on her refusing to eat her vegetables, always preferring meat, when the two of them were much younger.

Her wife would always just and call her a grass-eater, back, and Rosie would just roll her eyes at her.

Rosie hummed to yourself as she knitted and rocked her chair gently. She heard the quiet and familiar thumping of a cane and looked up with a soft smile on her face.

"You really should have eaten your vegetables. Then you wouldn’t be needing a cane to walk around like an old geezer." Rosie snickered and wife who just scoffed at her

Her wife slowly lowered herself onto her favorite chair. She always said that the chair, with how soft and comfortable it is, took away the day's stress and exhaustion. Rosie would always huff with pretend jealousy and tell her she should have married the chair instead.

"What are you talking about? I am still as energetic as I was when we first met!" She put both of her arms out and started to pop and lock.

Or at least tried to. It only looked like a pathetic attempt at it. Rosie burst out laughing and her wife just grinned, still busting out moves.

“Park Chaeyoung, keep challenging me like that and I will start break dancing right here in front of you and you will swoon!”

Rosie bust out laughing. She never failed to endear herself to you no matter how long you two have been together.

The two of them heard a crack and she froze. Rosie’s wife put a hand to her back and groaned. 

"Ah, ah, that hurts!"

Rosie cackled with endless mirth. Her wife glared at her.

She indeed hasn't changed, Rosie thought. Age would never dampen her spirit, no matter how stiff her joints might get. To Rosie’s mind, her wife was still the rapper who spat bars and ooed confidence, the dancer with so much stage presence, and the performer who would stand out in a sea of people. To her, her wife was still young and vibrant and goofy and the only woman ever.

There was a pause and a comfortable silence followed. Rosie just knitted as her wife watched her shows on the tv.

Her wife had been struggling to remember things recently, so she was concentrating fully. Worry and fear nagged and ate at her, but Rosie tried to keep them at bay.

They were getting old and for whatever was coming next, Rosie doesn’t think she’s ready. But right then, they were still together.

Rosie’s train of thought was cut by a loud snore. Her wife dozed off right in the middle of her favorite show, right at the of the episode.

Rosie just shook your head with a smile. 'My, my… Lisa, never had any problems falling asleep.'

 


Rosie smiles again at the memory. It seems that all she’s been doing the whole day is smiling, even if today is her death anniversary. That's herr wife, though, still making her smile, still making her feel warm and safe, still making her feel like she’s never alone, years after she passed away.

A tear rolls down Rosie’s cheek.

'Oh?' She’s a little surprised and she wipes it away immediately. She doesn't want to weep for her beloved wife anymore. Rosie knows that if her wife sees her crying, it would break her.

So she takes a deep breath and focuses on herr knitting and on happy memories, instead. Her wife left her millions of those, anyway.

Rosie looks to her left where the glass doors that lead to the garden are. She sees the moonlight illuminate the outline of the various plants she’s tended to. It was her wife who suggested the two of them make the garden their little project together when they've both retired.

Her wife knew how much she loved flowers and that was exactly why.

And then the memory of the two of them, in their mid-thirties, flashes through Rosie’s mind. It was just after they handed the last payment for the house and it was officially theirs.

The first thing they did was go out in the back and sit under the lone tree in the garden.

 


"Hey, Chaeng?" Rosie heard her wife’s voice say with a curious tone.

"Hmm?" Rosie was on the verge of falling asleep. Her eyes were closed and she was breathing softly, barely holding on to the edge of consciousness and waiting for the inevitable pull. She she held on, though, and waited for her wife to tell whatever it was that she called your name out for.

"Do you think it would be wiser for us to plant a vegetable garden instead of a flower garden when we've retired because we're too old to work? I mean, if we plant vegetables we would just be growing what we eat since we wouldn't be able to eat too much meat because of old age. But I think flowers would be—"

Rosie cut off her wife’s ramblings with a barely audible chuckle. If not for the light shaking of herr shoulders and the arm around her midsection, her wife wouldn't have known that she found the rant humorous.

"Hey, what's so funny?" There was the telling raise in the pitch of her wife’s voice by the end of her question and Rosie knew that she really was serious about the whole vegetable garden/flower garden debate that went on inside of her head.

"Dummy." Rosie said lightly, without any intention of insulting her with the word. She seemed to be in thought for a while before she spoke again. "We can grow vegetables on one side and flowers on the other. Though, I don’t see the point because you don’t eat your vegetables anyway."

“Hey!” Her wife huffed. “I do eat vegetables… sometimes.”

Rosie laughed and decided not to comment further. She settled quietly again and felt the grass tickle her arm. She heard a sigh from where her wife sat beside her, probably bored from the lack of things to do. Rosie was usually a busy bee herself, but right now she didn't mind not having anything to do, though; simply being close to her was enough for you.

"Hey, Chaeng..." Rosie heard her again, voice softer this time, after a stretch of content silence between the two of them.

Was it minutes, seconds, or has it been an hour? Rosie really had no idea. Time she spent with her wife passes differently.

"Hmm?" Again, Rosie hummed, indicated for her wife to go on.

"I don't think…" She paused for quite a long while that Rosie actually cracked an eye open to check if her wife fell asleep in the middle of her sentence.

Rosie found her still awake and staring at her face with such intensity. But the look was coupled with an unbelievable amount of softness that it was as if she was caressing your face with her eyes. She slowly traced the details of your face and you felt the urge to do the same, so you did.

Rosie almost forgot that she was in the middle of saying something.

"I don't think…" She repeated and they held each other's gaze.

"I don’t think that there's anything in this world that I love more than you, Chaeng."

 


Rosie looks at the clock and sighs. It was late and she should probably turn in now. She still needed to wake up early to water the plants.

'Lisa, you've made my life so meaningful.'

Rosie finds herself talking to the air, again. It’s become a habit that she’s done more often, over the years. She found comfort in these one sided conversations, knowing in her heart that her wife was listening.

She picks up a small picture frame. Inside it was the photograph of her and her wife together with their two other friends. They were smiling and young, teary-eyed but happy. It was from they had just debuted as idols.

She turns to the frame next to it, bigger by a few inches, and the two of them had tears in their eyes while they held each other. They were both clad in white.

It was a picture from their wedding day.

Rosie traces her smiling face with the tip of herr index finger. She then slowly brings the framed photograph to her lips.

Rosie has passed the stage of grieving her absence but there are still times like these when she misses herr wife dearly.

She moves to the bed and settles herself comfortably under the blankets. She whispers a good night to the air.

Rosie doesn’t have any difficulty in finding sleep that night.

She dreams. And she dreams of her and the life they had together.

 


Rosie opened her eyes and the sight that greeted her made her smile. She and her wife were both lying on their sides, their free arms wrapped around each other's midsection and their foreheads touching. Her wife snored lightly and her lips were parted and there was a silver of drool coming out of . Rosie chuckled.

A normal person would be disgusted, but she adored every bit of her wife and loved her dearly. For Rosie, this was just another reason to love her more.

Her wife started muttering gibberish under her breath and this made Rosie’s heart melt.

Her wife stirred and moved around for a bit. Rosie watched her wife move so that her head was at the edge of the fluffy pillow they shared and turned her head to the ceiling. She stayed that way for a while and Rosie just watched her waiting for something dumb to happen.

Her wife seemed to be silliest when asleep, as weird as that may be.

Her wife stirred again, and put a closed fist with her thumb up beside her head. Suddenly, her wife’s head slid off the pillow and her unmoving thumb goes into a nostril.

Her wife snorted and grunted from poking the wide tip of her thumb into her nose.

Rosie didn’t even hold back from screaming in laughter. She hit her head on your pillow and laughed as loud as you can with tears in your eyes. Her wife was surprised into consciousness and Rosie was not sure whether it was your laughter or her thumb that woke her.

Her wife groaned and swatted weakly at Rosie.

"Chaeng… It's so early." She grumbled. Rosie didn't mind her and still laughed.

Her wife turned her back to her and roughly grabbed the pillow under their head and covered her ears.

Rosie’s loud boisterous laughter died down to small chuckles, face all red and wiped tears from her eyes.

"Lisa, you should see yourself when you're asleep."

"I know, I know," was the muffled reply.

Her wife turned again and lied on her stomach, head under the pillow. Ruffled hair poked out then Rosie saw her wife's grinning face.

"I'm gorgeous aren't I?" Her wife winked. Rosie just laughed louder and her wife joined in.

When the giggles died down, Rosie’s wife turned to her and moved to hover over her - elbows rested at each of her sides. Rosie just smiled at her and she smiled softly back. She leaned in and gave Rosie a warm and long good morning kiss.

Rosie’s heart fluttered at first and then it soared and all too soon she pulled her lips away.

"You should see yourself sleeping." Her wife said with a erted grin and Rosie hit her on the head.

"!"

Her wife just laughed and then kissed her again.

"But seriously, Chaeng…" Rosie heard her wife say softly. She felt vibrations of the words against the skin of her shoulder. "I have never seen anything as beautiful as you, especially when you're asleep."

Rosie had to admit, though, that no matter how idiotic her wife acted, she always had these moments where she made her feel like the center of her universe; that in her world, nothing compared to her and nothing else mattered but her.

 


Rosie opens her eyes and the warm rays of sunlight greets her. 'Good morning.' She whispers to the air. She smiles because the sun reminds her of her wife so much.

Rosie has a little difficulty in getting out of bed, but she finally manages. She moves to the kitchen and prepares a simple breakfast for herself since there was no one to share it with.

Rosie chooses to have it at the garden, under that lone tree, where the two of them usually spent their weekend mornings lazing around because there was no work.

Rosie eats silently, enjoying the sound of the birds chirping.

Then she closes her eyes.

 


Four years and one day after her wife's death, Roseanne Park opens and closes her eyes for the last time. It was a quick death; like she just decided to move on to the next part of her existence.

It was a Saturday. The funeral was quick. Only a few closely related people attended. Two elderly women held hands while they wept quietly a few seats from her extended family. They were introduced as Jisoo and Jennie Kim, Rosie’s former fellow members in their girl group.

The funeral was quiet. Rosie was buried right next to her wife's grave. A new gravestone was made to accommodate the both of them.

As they lived their lives so intertwined, so too should they be in the afterlife.

But Rosie, looking like her 22 year old self, was wearing a white sundress and standing a few feet from the ceremony. She watched the people she held dear mourn for her. It broke her heart. There was Jennie and Jisoo the only remaining ones from their tight group. She was thankful, though, to see that those two were there for each other at least. There was also her sister’s kids and grandkids. She was thankful that they cared for her and checked up on her until her last moment.

She watched things move slowly, until the burial ceremony came to a close and people started to head on their way home. Jisoo and Jennie gave her and Lisa's grave one last look and left. She watched them until they too had to leave.

Now she was all alone and she wonders what's going to happen next.

Then she hears it.

"Chaeyoung-ah."

She turns around and there, in all of her 22 year old glory was her wife, Lisa, grinning and waving at her.

There were tears in Rosie’s eyes but she wiped them away and fake-scowled at Lisa.

"What took you so long?!"

Lisa flinched. Rosie was going to fight her again.

“I’m sorry, Chaeyoung-ah.”

Rosie just ran to Lisa and wrapped her arms around her wife. Lisa smiled and pressed a soft kiss against the side of Rosie’s face.

“I love you, Chaeng.”

Nothing can separate them - not even death and not for long.

They are, after all, two halves of one soul.

 

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