Jinsol is a bundle of hope and excitement when she flutters her eyelashes, furrows her eyebrows into slants, and pouts deep enough for the coldest heart to turn into a mushy pile of fluff and softness.

“Heekkie, please come! I want you to meet Sooyoung and the rest of her friends. Chaewon and Yerim are coming so you’ll have someone with you at all times!”

(Jinsol and Sooyoung had started dating in a mess of events beginning with Jinsol accidentally spilling her coffee over the girl’s Geology study guide in the bliss of a quiet courtyard. Becoming a mess of apologies and embarrassment, Jinsol trips over her words. (And normally, Sooyoung wouldn’t be above losing her mind because it took her too many gruelling hours writing out the damn study guide, but Jinsol has a certain charm to her—even if she is a bumbling and stuttering mess of words.) Ever so cool, Sooyoung brushes the espresso smelling paper away, ink bled and illegible, for an exchange of a coffee date and having Jinsol quiz her on the very material that got washed away.

And Jinsol wasn’t going to say no—she had spilled her coffee in her own infatuation anyway. Sooyoung had ran her hand through her hair while taking a breath and stretching to ease her muscles, tense from being hunched over. If it weren’t for the sliver of skin that peeked under her crop top and the girl’s well-defined abdominal muscles, Jinsol would have been just fine. Except, Jinsol never fared well under hazy dreams of attraction and lost focus. Reaching for her coffee and horribly miscalculating its position with her eyes trained on the girl diagonal to her, knocking over her cup of coffee was only inevitable.)

“And I promise that as soon as you wanna leave, you can go, but please give them a chance? They’re really amazing and funny and I wouldn’t want you to meet them if I wasn’t sure you’d like them!”

There is a validity in what Jinsol reasons. Heejin never liked wasting her time on people that wasn’t worth her effort of knowing—and plus, Jinsol’s pout and sad eyes are nearly impossible to refuse.

Unfolding her arms, closing her eyes in resignation, and sighing, Heejin can only give in, “Fine, I’ll go. But, if I don’t like them, you’re paying for my food for the next two weeks.”

Jinsol brightens up like a lightbulb flickering on and it’s impossible for Heejin to not smile at the contagious display of her friend’s happiness, “I promise you’ll like them, Heejin!”

And it’s not like Heejin had a doubt that Jinsol judged them wrongly—that girl has an affinity for magnetizing all of the right people. If she liked Sooyoung’s friends, then they should be decent enough for Heejin to tolerate. Even if Heejin would prefer to stay in her room, buried under her blankets, snuggling her Stitch plushie, and watching Naruto , she wouldn’t like to refuse the bridge Jinsol was extending between her girlfriend and her friends. Seeing the lights dim out from Jinsol’s eyes would be one of the last things Heejin would ever choose to do—the younger girl would much rather undergo semesters of mind-numbingly uneventful four-hour classes before even considering disappointing her friend.

(Little does Heejin know that if anything, she will have to owe Jinsol a lifetime supply of free meals for the people that she will be introducing her to.)

~

Sooyoung’s apartment is comfy—not too large, but definitely not too small that the air begins to feel suffocating.

Pictures aren’t enough to capture the glittering wonder of Sooyoung’s smile, no matter how hard Jinsol tries in each and every shot she takes. Heejin could see it from a mile away, could see how Jinsol and Sooyoung’s eyes flutter in the empty spaces of the room to find each other’s, could see with only a mere observation how much they meant to each other. (Heejin knows that she would reach into the deepest core of her efforts to like this girl. If Jinsol looks at her so affectionately, if Sooyoung is everything that Jinsol said, then Heejin makes a promise to herself to not be an obstacle that eases their relationship to thorns—if Jinsol loves Sooyoung, Heejin will make the effort to find everything that there is to love about Sooyoung too.)

Exchanging formalities is normally an awkward and forced affair, but Sooyoung wears her smile the way she wears her heart on her sleeve and everything to the way her eyes glimmer to how she extends a hand to Heejin, Chaewon, and Yerim is natural and genuine. Quickly, Heejin finds that she doesn’t need to search hard to find the things that are to like about Sooyoung—she is just innately likeable.

Heejin isn’t normally a fan of beer—she thinks that it just tastes like piss water—but to ease any of her trepidation and to get her out of her shell, Heejin is the first to crack open the tab of a pink can. And as it turns out, Sooyoung has a pretty decent taste in alcohol. Pleasantly flavored like watermelons, the sweetness of the fruit flavor is enough to balance out the slight bitterness of alcohol. Easily, Heejin finishes off the can in the first thirty minutes of being there. It’s not enough to get her tipsy, but it’s enough to make her feel more comfortable in a new place—an enjoyable buzz.

Even when Sooyoung offers them her weed pen and pipes, Heejin doesn’t feel as critical as she normally would about smoking—perhaps it’s because she has become more tolerable of it through Chaewon’s recreational usage of it or it’s because she understands that weed isn’t the worst thing in the world to ease the stress of being college students struggling to keep themselves afloat.

Amidst the smoke of and the fizzy carbonation of beer sliding down , the dimmed yellow lighting casting its faint glow in Sooyoung’s living room is warm. It feels a lot like being cocooned in a comfortable hug. Even when the door to Sooyoung’s apartment opens, the sanctity of her living room is not ruined.

“Started the party without us, Sooyoung?”

Lazily with a pipe in her hands and red eyes, Sooyoung leans her head on Jinsol’s shoulder and she lightly drawls out her words like the smoke floating around them, “You were taking forever, Hyunjin. And plus, it’s all about making our guests comfortable, right?”

When Heejin turns her head to the direction of the new voice, she doesn’t know if it’s the dim lighting or the effects of her third can of beer that makes the girl setting a bag of groceries on the kitchen table look like the coming of a ing glowing angel. Her presence alone is enough for the two girls beside her to dim into the background. The girl’s voice sounds like a sweet melody beautifully wrapped in pink velvety silk—it glides through the air and it becomes the only noise Heejin wants to hear for the rest of her life.

“Hmm, I suppose you’re right. Anyway, I bought everything you forgot.”

“Punch?”

One of the girls that Heejin subconsciously pushed to the background speaks up, “Check.”

“Vodka?”

The second girl shakes the clear bottle, “Check.”

“Munchies?”

The girl in Heejin’s foreground tosses several bags of chips into the living room and starts working on opening the bottle of punch, “Triple check.”

When Sooyoung’s lips fall into an easy smile and her lids close, Jinsol kisses her forehead and it makes her melt even more into her embrace.

“Did you phone for pizza?”

Sooyoung only hums confirmation before taking a drag of the pipe in her hands and gently pulling Jinsol in by her neck, smoke billowing out from her soft lips and disappearing behind Jinsol’s.

When Jinsol kisses her after inhaling the smoke, it’s intimate and comfortable and safe—everything she loves about being with Sooyoung.

Dozing away and floating between the intricacies of the present and cognitive dissociation, Chaewon’s red eyes just begin to attempt to focus on the new girl in the room. With a pipe in her hands, she blearily looks beside her, the lids of her eyes heavy, “You sure you don’t want any?”

Yerim shakes her head and runs her hand through Chaewon’s hair, the other girl’s eyes dragging to a close at the addicting feeling, “I’m okay, thank you though.” The blonde only hums and nuzzles into the hand caressing her hair. Already knowing Heejin’s aversion to smoking, Chaewon skips on asking her and instead hooks her pinky through Heejin’s that was resting in her lap.

Letting the other girls shuffling around in the kitchen fade into the back, Heejin watches the girl set the other snacks and beverages on the kitchen counter. She finds it difficult to tear her eyes away from her. When the girl looks up, feeling the presence of someone’s eyes on her, finding Heejin’s soft and observant gaze trained on her does little to threaten or off-put her. In truth, her mellow eyes prompts a subconscious smile to tug at her lips. The lazy but kind smile that Heejin projects back to the one the other girl shows feels a lot like the twinkling of fairy lights in a dark room.

Pouring her own drink and raising her cup in invitation, she adds another cup to the three already lined up when Heejin nods at her in confirmation. Using a sharpie and decorating her cup with a picture, she even takes to decorating Heejin’s and the other two next to hers. Handing the cup with a rough stencil of a bunny figure to her, Heejin barely catches the drawing of a cat on the other girl’s cup.

“I’m Hyunjin.”

(An ordinary name shouldn’t sound like the most ingenious thing Heejin has ever heard, but when Hyunjin speaks, Heejin thinks that anything she could ever say would be the most gravitating and interesting thing she could hear in her entire lifetime.)

Grasping the hand extended to her in a handshake, Heejin’s voice comes out low and almost rumbling. (Usually, she pays attention to the natural dip of her voice to speak with a higher intonation for reasons that Heejin only deems as nuanced insecurity.) Too swept away in her fascination and wonder, Heejin surprises herself when she hears the deepness of her voice, “I’m Heejin; it’s nice to meet you.” Clearing and reminding herself to pay attention to how she speaks, Heejin feels her cheeks dust a light pink undetectable under the dim lighting of the room.

Holding on for too long, Heejin almost flinches when Hyunjin lets go and redirects her attention to the two girls besides Heejin. Introducing herself to Chaewon and Yerim, Heejin can only zero in on the little dimple that shows when she smiles big enough for her sharp canines to show—it’s effortlessly charming much like how she exudes a natural confidence and coolness. 

When the other two girls come into the living room, looking at their intertwined hands, Heejin briefly entertains the idea of a romance between the two but quickly brushes it off. When they introduce themselves to her, Heejin makes sure to note that the girl with shorter hair is named Haseul and the girl with a relaxed smile is named Jungeun.

Having drunk enough to be pleasantly tipsy and close to drunkenness, Heejin doesn’t feel her usual hesitation when she sits in a circle with everyone, an empty bottle at the center of it. It’s been awhile since she has felt like a teenager stuck in the craze of growing up, forcing herself into uncomfortable party circles, and following the silent instruction of vodka bottles and random generators pointing her to a random pair of lips or stupid dares. 

Except this time, it’s different. Having grown more since the last time she sat in a circle like this, it feels better to be clutching onto the freedom of having time, of feeling like responsibilities don’t matter, of surrendering the arduous practice of adultism for immature naivety and curious innocence. Perhaps it’s that feeling that gets her courageous enough to crawl onto her knees towards Jungeun when the bottle spins towards the girl for her turn and her phone randomly generates the number telling her to kiss her. Focusing on her lips and pausing half-way between to wait for Jungeun’s lips, Heejin looks for the girl’s willingness to kiss her back, knowing better than to just force a kiss even if the rules of the game were to do as such. It’s instinct to flutter her eyes closed when Jungeun presses her lips onto hers. It’s just as rushed as her lips are soft. (It’s not rushed at all, Jungeun’s lips pillowy and warm against hers). Heejin has half of the mind to recognize Jinsol cheering for her in the back and Chaewon’s high voice joining in and egging her friend on. 

When she pulls away, Jungeun smiles and it’s lazy and natural and the yellow lighting of the room shrouds her in a gentle glow. Watching as the rest of her friends and Sooyoung’s play, Heejin coos at how Yerim and Chaewon share a nervous kiss with blushing red cheeks, laughs before taking a shot of vodka instead of kissing Jinsol when the bottle lands on her. (It’s not that Jinsol or Sooyoung are against the idea of anyone kissing them under the pretense of the game, it’s just that Jinsol feels like a sister to Heejin due to their years of friendship and it feels wrong to even think of doing such—it makes Heejin shiver at the thought).

When Hyunjin spins the bottle and it weens to a stop at the front of Heejin’s crossed leg and her phone announces the number for Seven Minutes in Heaven, Heejin feels her cheeks blush a violent red when Hyunjin offers her hand to her to pull her up. Taking it, Heejin doesn’t have it in her to pull away when she starts leading them to the coat closet by the front door and lets Hyunjin make the decision for them. (She holds on.) Opening the door to the closet, Hyunjin lets Heejin in first before walking in too. The closet is roomier than it looked when Heejin first peered in from the outside. Still, it’s not big enough for the two of them to have their personal distance, the intimacy of looking into Hyunjin’s eyes blanketed by the darkness enveloping them.

Hyunjin’s voice is soft and quiet, fitting the nervous silence pulling them together, “We don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to. We can just stand here and talk. Or not talk. I just didn’t want to drink.”

Heejin giggles and leans her head forward but startles back when she lightly bumps into Hyunjin’s forehead. Hearing her rush of apologies, Hyunjin blindly searches for Heejin’s shoulders, her fingers cautious and gentle to ease the threat of uncertainty in darkness. Resting them on Heejin’s shoulder and running her thumb over the expanse of her shoulder, it ever so slightly calms the nerves bubbling inside of Heejin. With her own voice low and quiet too, “It wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world. Kissing you. I mean. If you want to. I wouldn’t- I want to, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to. Kiss me, that is.” Forcing herself to shut up and cutting off her nervous rambling, Heejin leans her forehead on Hyunjin’s and exhales a large sigh carrying her nerves. When Hyunjin laughs, it bubbles and it sounds like the twinkling of chimes and it feels like the rush of the wind on a cool breezy day. (Including Hyunjin’s voice, her laugh is also one of the noises Heejin would like to hear until she no longer could be afforded the honor.)

Ever so slightly grazing her cheeks with the pads of her fingers and blindly following the shape of Heejin’s face using her forehead that was leaning on hers as a starting point, Hyunjin slowly lifts her chin with all of the care in the world when her finger settles underneath it. The thumb that softly rests underneath Heejin’s lips is light enough for it to feel like a ghost on her skin. Leaning into her touch and blindly tracing the bridge of Hyunjin’s nose with hers, Heejin’s hands search for anything to anchor her to the present, to not lose herself in her nerves and the adrenaline coursing through her. Finding the loops of Hyunjin’s jeans, Heejin hooks her pointer fingers in them, the rest of her fingers gingerly resting at her hips. Feeling the light breeze of air from Hyunjin’s nose and sensing her lips coming closer, Heejin feels her heart come to an anticipating stop in her chest, her nerves pressed tightly against her sternum. Closing her eyes and letting her senses do the rest, Heejin almost gasps when soft lips melt onto hers. Her knees slightly buckle at the feeling, her adrenaline now rushing through her veins in overwhelmingly devastating waves. Shakily pulling Hyunjin in closer and chasing after her lips when she pulls away, a once cautious kiss blurs into one that is more passionate, desperate for touch and pleasure. In the silence of the coat closet and the slight noises their lips make, Heejin feels a winding emotion building up in her. When Hyunjin pulls away, her hand on her shoulder keeps Heejin at bay and it prevents her from kissing her again. Laughing into the intimate air that laced and tied them together, she cups Heejin’s cheeks, breathless and caught up in the rush of playful happiness.

“Give- give me a second, Heejin. You’re gonna make me pass out if you keep taking my breath away like this.”

Heejin laughs too and she squeezes tighter at Hyunjin’s waist. When Hyunjin pulls her in even closer and wraps her arms around her neck, their lips blindly find each other’s in the dark again, and it’s a growing blimp of emotion that glows a kaleidoscope of colors within Heejin. In the flurry of soft lips, playful kisses, and muffled laughter, Heejin understands what heaven is like in the seven minutes she shares with Hyunjin.

Heejin thinks that she could have spent the rest of her night in that closet if it meant Hyunjin would be there with her (preferably kissing her too). But, when someone knocks at the closet door and singsongs for them to come out (how ironic), Heejin knows this.

She really really likes Hyunjin.

She likes her enough to not feel fear at the growing emotion blooming in her heart.

It should terrify her how quickly Hyunjin disarms her and sweeps her away, but Heejin likes how it feels—likes how it feels to like Hyunjin.

(Almost shameless and blindingly obvious, this is but one night in the many that Heejin spends thinking about Hyunjin.)

~.~.~

It’s almost concerning how easy it is for Heejin to lie. Growing up with intensely strict parents, Heejin has learned how to lie right under their noses, how to cover up her tracks, how to be more believable than the most indubitable facts of the world. She has spent nights partying under the guise of dance team sleepovers, has perfume bottles and Cucumber Fresh scented wet wipes in her car to cover up the smell of weed from being at parties, has a case of toiletries to wash away the smell of alcohol if she needed to.

But, better than that, Heejin has lied to herself more than to anyone else—and if she could count the times she has lied to her friends or her professors about her wellbeing, she might as well keep an infinite tally. (It’s not that she didn’t trust her friends to keep her safe or to comfort her through her bad times, but she hated feeling needy and wasting their time even if she knew that they would think differently. She liked being seen as bright and hopeful, positive about most things in life. If she could fool everyone into thinking that the sun shone through her smile, it would be blinding enough to hide the fact that she pats underneath her eyes with cold water to ease the swelling from crying.) 

Some would call her lies repression, others would call it therapy, but Heejin would call it her sanity. Never lying about her intentions with others, but often lying about how her day bleeds into exhaustion and hopelessness, she needs her lies to make her reality seem better than it is—brighter and more hopeful. 

Yet, despite that, Heejin finds that it is exhausting trying to lie to Hyunjin. Telling the truth just becomes a natural instinct. Having her number from the night that she kissed her, Heejin finds herself spilling all of her emotions over the white light of her phone. Especially when she meets Hyunjin weekly for study dates at the cafe by the library and how Hyunjin’s big innocent eyes focus on her, Heejin can only surrender herself to the truth. Unwilling to tell her lies, the truth falls with ease. 

Without ever prying her open and without ever realizing, Hyunjin easily gets her to fall apart just as she easily gets Heejin to fall for her.

It should concern Heejin how easily Hyunjin sneaks past her defenses and walls, how seamless it is for Heejin to tell her about the grief twisting in her heart and the stress weighing on her shoulders. If she could put a finger on what it was about Hyunjin that evoked honesty from her, Heejin would. It isn’t until Hyunjin invites her over one night to watch a movie with her and she catches her reflection in the mirror by Hyunjin’s door does Heejin start to understand. It’s a realization that doesn’t scare her, in fact, it’s one that puzzles in all of the scattered pieces of her emotions. Everything that is Hyunjin, everything that makes up her heart and the way she carries herself is what comforts Heejin into giving in and surrendering to her, surrendering to vulnerability. (She thinks Hyunjin will keep her safe through it all.)

Snuggled up against her, feeling the safest she has ever felt in her life, Heejin knows that she is falling for her the way one falls into a blackhole of fascination and infatuation. Uncontrollably, almost recklessly, and without a care, Heejin lets herself fall for her. Being with Hyunjin feels like a gleaming cascade of euphoria in the odd dark corners of living. She’s the bright and glowing amber at the end of gloomy tunnels, the sound of intricate chains of arpeggios linking together to make a blissful progression in music. Closing her eyes and sinking into the pleasure of being around her, Heejin doesn’t feel fear at the darkness that blooms behind her lids when she falls even further for her.

Hands tied up just as much as her heart is in the affairs of losing herself in the shelter that Hyunjin’s arms become, it’s a show of a waving white flag when Heejin welcomes Hyunjin into her heart.

Dozing off and into her thoughts, Heejin’s silence prompts Hyunjin to shake at her shoulder and call for her attention. (Usually, Heejin runs an active commentary about the movies that they watch and normally if it was anyone else, it’d be annoying, but Hyunjin quite likes hearing what she has to say about what is going on in the films that they watch). When Heejin’s eyes refocus on the television and she tilts her head to look up at Hyunjin, they melt under the concern shining in Hyunjin’s gaze. Unravelling her arms around Heejin and rifling around her desk drawer, Heejin only watches in confusion. When Hyunjin pulls out the familiar copper circle of currency, Heejin can’t help how it brings a breath of laughter to her. (It’s enough for her shoulders to ease their tension and brighten her day).

“Penny for your thoughts?”

“I’m just...thinking about you.”

Hyunjin’s eyebrows only quirk the slightest, “And what about me?”

Heejin smiles and it’s small and lazy, completely at ease in the security that she feels when Hyunjin pulls her back into her embrace. Normally she would play around and and probably say something about she could hear Hyunjin mumbling her thoughts about the movie in her ear (she really could), but something about the calm lighting of the fairy lights hung up on Hyunjin’s wall and the serenity of being alone with her gets Heejin to tell the honest truth, “You’re amazing, Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin only takes a flash of a second before replying back, her eyes pleasantly taken aback by the raw genuineness generously coating her compliment, a smile blooming from her lips, “You’re amazing too, Heejin.”

Being with Hyunjin feels warm. It’s deeper than the physical attraction from the party months ago when they first kissed. It’s more than Heejin could ever control, more than she could ever describe or predict.

If Heejin really really liked Hyunjin before, she really really likes her now, way past the point of no return.

~

When midterms comes, Heejin wants to crumble under the stress of her classes and it only takes a look for Hyunjin to understand the fragility tinging her eyes.

Sitting down in front of her and resting her chin on her hands, Hyunjin worriedly scans the hunched girl scribbling into her notebook.

“I know you’ve a lot to do and a lot to study for, but please give me at least two hours of your time?”

Heejin knows she should refuse and take those two hours to study, but just as she couldn’t refuse Jinsol, it’s even more impossible to deny Hyunjin. Not when her eyes seem to twinkle and how she carries the purest hope in them.

“Help me pack up and you’ll get three.”

Hyunjin pumps her fist, an exclamation of victory following her. Quickly gathering the books strewn around and carrying them in her arms, she fondly watches as Heejin zips up her two pencil cases and stuffs them into her bag.

“Do you really need two pencil cases? I barely even use one pen.”

Blushing under the teasing tone and lightly pushing at Hyunjin’s shoulder, Heejin petulantly justifies her need for the variety of supplies she carries, “I like making my notes colorful for my study guides. I can’t help that I’m a visual learner!”

Laughing at the obvious offense Heejin takes, Hyunjin slings her arm over Heejin’s shoulder and leads her to her car parked in the structure by her apartment shared with Sooyoung. Dumping the textbooks in the trunk of her car and taking her bag, Hyunjin pulls back the sun roof to her car before driving towards the sea. Driving along Pacific Coast Highway, under the dim street lights with the wind cutting through the gaps of her fingers with Heejin’s hands swimming with the breeze, it’s as if she doesn’t have the stress of three midterms on her shoulder, doesn’t have to write a ten-page essay on the history of music, doesn’t feel the pressure to do well.

She feels free, as if time was limitless and open only for her and Hyunjin. Laughing into the rushing breeze of the wind and holding the girl’s hand over the compartment of her car, Heejin wouldn’t mind getting lost with her, wouldn’t mind taking the long way home, and stopping at all of the red lights if but to spend more time with her. 

Under the dim yellow glow of streetlights that remind Heejin of the first night that they met and how it felt to gaze at her from across the circle and how Hyunjin’s eyes twinkle the same way they did that night when she laughs is the breath of fresh air she needs away from everything.

When Hyunjin drives home, she chooses to miss the entrance of the freeway and instead traverses through the inside streets guiding them home. In all of the red lights that they come to, they are stops that Hyunjin takes to glance at the girl beside her only to find the girl’s eyes already tenderly looking at her.

In the comfortable sound of Hyunjin’s stereo leaking out the tracklist of one of her playlists, Heejin’s voice is a welcomed presence to the pleasant air between them. 

“You know, you mean a lot to me, Hyunjin.”

The light turns green and Hyunjin flicks her eyes towards her before focusing on the road ahead, “You’re a really great friend to me, Heejin. Thanks for letting me steal you away for the night.”

Even if Heejin feels her heart’s dull pain at being nothing more than a friend to her, she feels an even greater pleasure at being good enough to even be considered as such.

Maybe she is falling in love with Hyunjin. And maybe Hyunjin doesn’t feel the same for her or will ever feel the same.

Still, ever so fearlessly, Heejin leaves her heart at her fingertips and lets them wander into Hyunjin’s hands, whether or not if the other girl knows it or will ever come to know.

How true is a love when the conditions of reciprocity define how it is showed? 

Heejin knows this.

She likes Hyunjin in all of the ways possible and nothing was going to stop her from showing it if Hyunjin doesn’t have a problem with it.

Not her heart twisting in her chest, not the doubt of being the only one driving down the two-lane road of loving, not the fear of being hurt in the future.

Nothing.

(Just as Heejin gets lost with Hyunjin for the night, so does she get lost in the feeling of liking Hyunjin.)

She’d rather have Hyunjin at once than not at all.

How precious her existence has become to Heejin is beyond her imagination. How it only took one night for Heejin to fall for her is just as intricate a phenomenon as it is simple for her to explain. Simply, in all of the things that make Hyunjin, Heejin likes what she has seen so far, has a certain hope that there isn’t much about Hyunjin to dislike. Intricately, Heejin thinks that there aren’t words thought of yet that accurately describes how she feels to be around her. Synonymous to pleasure, but also to that of great comfort and security, Heejin thinks that the rushed beating of her heart is word enough for her to understand. 

~.~.~

Like a lovesick puppy who lost herself in her affections, Heejin searches for all of the reasons to make Hyunjin smile.

Willing to act like a fool in broad daylight—even in a busy crowd of people, looking at Hyunjin first whenever anyone cracks a joke to see if she laughs, buying this and that to just get a glimpse of her smile, a desperation to have Hyunjin’s attention creeps up on Heejin. Even playing into her teasing remarks just to watch how she laughs and how her eyes turn into crescents is enough reason for her to react as wholesomely as possible to make the other girl chime out a laugh. (She always does so it’s worth the momentary flash of embarrassment.)

(Heejin likes how Hyunjin looks when she laughs—it’s pure and innocent, playful and genuine. It makes Heejin forget about everything bad in the universe and it’s one of the biggest things Heejin loves about her.)

Even if it’s something as ridiculous as wearing a cat mascot head—from where Hyunjin got it, Heejin doesn’t know—Heejin likes how she can hear Hyunjin’s muffled laughter when she tries to chase after the echoes of clapter. 

(If Heejin saw how Hyunjin playfully kissed the front of the cat’s head, she’d probably collapse on the spot, her silent and hidden desire of wanting Hyunjin’s lips on hers again only a cat head mascot away from her being indirectly answered.

Perhaps, it’s better that she could only see out of the small eye holes provided. Certainly, it saved her the embarrassment. But then again, Hyunjin would probably laugh at Heejin’s body crumbling from shock. Whose loss is it Heejin doesn’t know, but she would risk the shame if it meant Hyunjin would laugh at her silly reactions.)

Carving time out of her week to designate time for Hyunjin, Heejin either waits by her phone or shoots a text asking for her company. Infallibly, Hyunjin’s time is free for her to take. Even subconsciously, her body craves for Hyunjin. Leaning into her touch, gravitating to wherever she is, blindly searching for her hand during movie nights at Sooyoung and Hyunjin’s apartment, it’s as if her body has its own magnet pulling her towards the other girl.

Keenly paying attention to Hyunjin has taught Heejin a couple of things about her. Like her silent but emanating confidence, her air of self-assuredness, and her superficial chic attitude, Heejin is quick to see when Hyunjin is anything but that.

Somewhere in between the beginning of spring break and the end of the semester, something about Hyunjin changes and it’s in how she constantly flips her phone over to check if any messages arrived. It’s how she scans every room that she steps into with watchful observant eyes. It’s how she plays with her hair and fiddles with her fingers when she gets particularly nervous.

“Do I look pretty, Heejin?”

Furrowing her eyebrows, Heejin looks up from her laptop, “You always look pretty. What’s with the sudden concern?” 

“So my hair’s okay?”

Shutting her laptop closed and taking the hands that are brushing through her hair into her own hands and running her thumbs over the grooves of Hyunjin’s knuckles, Heejin has trouble catching and keeping her friend’s eyes on her.

“Hyunjin, look at me.” Waiting for her warm coffee brown eyes to settle on her, Heejin hopes that her own are doing the job of reassuring Hyunjin well. 

(They work, slightly, but they do). 

“You look perfect. Everything, from head to toe, always. You are so beautiful.” 

(Her words do an even better job at settling Hyunjin’s nerves).

“Now, tell me, what’s got you like this?”

When Hyunjin nods her head forward and a little to the right, Heejin follows her line of sight that Hyunjin invisibly traces. Discreetly turning around and finding a girl with dark auburn hair, her boxy smile is the goddamn sun.

“That’s Jiwoo and she’s in my Comp Sci class. She’s so cute and pretty and friendly and I don’t wanna be her friend; I wanna hold her hand and kiss her and all of that romantic with her.”

There’s nothing that could prepare Heejin for acknowledging the painful reality of an unrequited love. Looking at how Hyunjin’s eyes bleed with admiration and affection for Jiwoo, Heejin feels how her heart aches a dull pain that makes it hard for her to breathe. Knowing that her own eyes look so warmly at the girl in front of her, Heejin scatters her gaze elsewhere before training them on the point of Hyunjin’s nose, not strong enough (Heejin ignores how she’s also not willing) to look even further at the blatant show of attraction for Jiwoo.

Heejin feels how her natural instincts shroud her in a protective bubble. If Heejin could lie effortlessly to her parents, she could pass a lie to someone who could barely afford her a moment of genuine interest.

Feigning attention, Heejin squeezes at the hands in hers again.

(She doesn’t know if it’s to show Hyunjin her support or if it’s for her to find an anchor in her reality so that she doesn’t lose herself to the bleeding pain in her chest.)

“But?”

“But, she only sees me as a friend.”

Heejin almost scoffs at the unfortunate parallels and thinks to herself, “How ing ironic.”

“Why don’t you go up to her and ask her out?”

“Are you kidding, Heejin? What if she says no?”

“Be brave. It’s better to take your chance than to lose your shot. You’ll never know what you’ll miss out on if you hide away. Maybe she’ll even be the one. But, you’d never know if you don’t try.”

(If only Heejin could heed to her own words, but then again, clearly, it wouldn’t turn out the way she would hope—if by how Hyunjin stands up from her seat and determinedly walks towards Jiwoo with confident steps.)

If Heejin weren’t stuck in an endless loop of attraction for Hyunjin, it’d be amusing to watch how quickly Hyunjin deflates when Jiwoo turns her attention to her. She’d probably laugh at how Hyunjin’s head drops quicker than the blink of an eye and how she shuffles her feet against the floor of the cafe. Gone is the usual cool and confident Hyunjin that Heejin knows. Instead, a nervous and shy Hyunjin is left in her wake.

But, as the universe so cruelly planned, Heejin is stuck in that endless loop, all 160 centimeters of her drowning in her affection for the girl. Instead of amusement, it’s the grinding pain of watching the person she immeasurably likes like someone else. It’s the annoyingly incessant jealousy of watching how Hyunjin falls apart at the seams at the simple flash of Jiwoo’s smile. It’s seeing that her own desires will be left unanswered, her affection thrown to the wind as easily as a leaf blows through the breeze.

It’s the difficulty in accepting the truth, in being unfairly angry at Hyunjin for liking someone else when Heejin knows all too well that emotions can rarely ever be changed for—what is subjective—the better. In the chaos of her feelings winding and tangling and tossing together like restless tumbleweed rolling in the wind, Heejin still comes to see the light at the end of the dark tunnel, the same amber light Hyunjin glows.

Whatever Hyunjin needs her for, whatever that may be or whatever it entails, Heejin would do it, get it, be it, do whatever it takes to be by her side, even if she is to live in her unrecognized and unanswered affection.

“Unreciprocated feelings aren’t Hyunjin’s fault.” Heejin repeats it in her mind, tosses the words around until it’s all she can think about, nails it into every crevice of her brain to get herself to accept the truth.

(Instead of unfair anger, all she is left with is restless sadness and realistically horrible hypotheticals playing through her mind, teasing her like a dangling piece of bait for animals.)

(Briefly, in one of the nights that Heejin spends awake thinking about Hyunjin, she wonders what is worse. Was a love that is unrequited worse than not loving at all? Heejin settles on thinking that it’s better to have loved than not at all. Even if she doesn’t love Hyunjin yet, the thrill of being enraptured by her is a feeling that Heejin would never return, even for the peace of being relieved of a one-sided love.)

Watching Hyunjin come back with a beaming smile on her lips and a twinkle in her eyes, it’s enough of a band-aid to stop the bleeding of Heejin’s heart.

Hyunjin’s happiness is her happiness.

Rinse and repeat, lie and lie until it becomes a reality. Anything to fool herself into believing.

(It doesn’t work. But, Heejin lies to herself again to make herself believe that it does. She needs it to. She needs to believe.)

~

Hyunjin brings Jiwoo around and Heejin hates how she can’t hate her.

She’s soft and a beaming light of sunshine, selflessly kind and genuinely personable. It’s easy to see why Hyunjin fell for her. Her charms are nothing short of bewitching and lovable and even Heejin enjoys her presence despite the fact that seeing them together hurts her more than she could deal with on some nights.

But, Hyunjin is happy. Beautifully and happily together, Heejin could only observe them with wanting eyes. She could only watch how Hyunjin tugs Jiwoo into her embrace during the movie nights that Sooyoung and her hold every week and turns away when she sees how their faces edge closer together.

(The masochism of dwelling on that image would only hurt her more and Heejin is already hurting enough as it is, if the hot tears that roll down her cheeks at night is a sign enough.)

Something worse than angry jealousy was the inevitable of longing jealousy and its restless annoyance. Heejin wants to be okay, wants to not cry at night, wants to watch movies without missing Hyunjin’s presence beside her. Instead, she only finds herself watching in envy at how Jiwoo can revel in the security that Hyunjin provides.

Heejin couldn’t even be jealous of what she had if she never really had Hyunjin to begin with, but still, she finds herself craving nights like the one where Hyunjin took her away to give her the breather she needed to get away from school. The desperation to have her attention is still as severe and consuming, if not worse. Except, Hyunjin doesn’t answer to them anymore, her attention redirected to her girlfriend.

Knowing that Jiwoo would become a new and greater priority to Hyunjin, Heejin still couldn’t prepare herself for the sense of abandonment that she feels when she texts Hyunjin only to be left unanswered until the late hours of the day. It’s lonely without Hyunjin bombarding her messages with nonsensical ramblings or random pictures. It’s lonely watching movies without Hyunjin’s arms wrapped her. It’s lonely studying in their cafe without her pestering her every five minutes.

Heejin hates it.

She hates the loneliness. 

She hates how she can’t deal with change. Hates how on top of her heart’s pain, her inability to lie to herself falls short.

Hyunjin’s happiness is not Heejin’s, but she would do anything to make Hyunjin believe so, even if in her heart, she knows that it’s the furthest thing away from the truth.

Gone were the days of warmth and confiding in Hyunjin.

Left with lying straight through her teeth and faking happiness with broad toothy smiles, Heejin is left with what comes after laughter—the tears of desolation and repressed depression that only her pillow and room come to know.

But, what breaks Heejin’s heart the most is when she sees how even Hyunjin falls for her fibs.

“How are you, Heekkie? You look happier than usual!”

Almost speechless as to how successfully her facade has fooled Hyunjin, it takes her heart’s whole energy to smile broadly and lie again, to be disgustingly insincere, “I feel happier than ever, Hyun! And you look happier too!”

When Hyunjin smiles and her eyes slip into the wonderful twinkling crescents that Heejin loves, it’s too true of a smile for it to be fake, “I am happy! Jiwoo makes me so ing happy—I didn’t know it was possible to be like this.”

Absentmindedly nodding along and feigning another smile, Heejin didn’t know it was possible to be this ing sad. 

~

The only people that come to see Heejin’s devastation is her cherished group of friends. Jinsol being the first to pull her aside, her eyes are wide and caring as they usually are. Under normal circumstances, Heejin could lie to her as easily as she could read the time on a digital clock, but her heart’s weariness craves the attention, the need to be seen.

“Are you okay, Heejin? And please, don’t lie. You don’t have to tell me why, but I know you better than you think. And I can hear how you cry at night sometimes. Just, tell me if you need me and you know I'll be there faster than you can call my name.”

The moment Heejin’s lips tug down at the gravity of her pain and the burden in her chest, Jinsol is pulling her into a warm and secure hug, her hands running through her hair and her voice softly humming a song that Sooyoung showed her the day before.

It’s the first time in a very long time does Heejin feel safe and seen, no longer invisible and hiding behind her curtain of insincerity. 

When she cries, it feels like lifting the weight of the world off of her chest.

It feels like she can breathe again and it’s all heaving breaths and chasing the air that Heejin has so dearly missed.

When she tells Jinsol everything about Hyunjin, the girl’s eyes are sympathetic, pity nowhere to be seen—Heejin appreciates how Jinsol has almost never given her pity but only the kindness of her heart and her genuine concern. 

Already, Heejin feels less alone in her sadness even if Jinsol only lended her her ear and the comfort of her arms. 

When Heejin confides in Chaewon and Yerim, she’s caught in a hug that smooshes her so tightly that she struggles to catch her breath amidst her laughing despite the tears in her eyes. The next time they spend the night at Sooyoung’s with everyone else for their weekly movie marathons, Heejin is cuddled up on both sides, Chaewon and Yerim nuzzling into every open cranny possible.

So even if it’s not Hyunjin’s arms around her, even if it’s not Hyunjin beside her, Jinsol, Chaewon, and Yerim are more than enough to ease the desperate ache for company in her heart.

They’re not Hyunjin and it’s not quite the same. Still, Heejin appreciates it wholeheartedly nonetheless.

It’s better than the loneliness—anything would be better than the desolate emptiness.

~.~.~

Without ever noticing, Sooyoung and Hyunjin’s apartment becomes a hangout spot for the nine of them. As the year goes on and they all make their own friends, three more become regulars to their weekly movie nights. With Sooyoung’s permission, Chaewon brings along a classmate she met in one of her culinary courses and Yerim brings along a friend she met while visiting the school’s Paws for Stress Relief function during midterms. Even Haseul brings along one of her coworkers that had just moved from China.

Meeting Chaewon and Yerim’s friends beforehand, Heejin is relieved to see that two people close to her heart have their own friends, their own support if Jinsol and herself couldn’t suffice at certain times. Yeojin, Chaewon’s friend, brings out the inner chaos in her and it almost shocks Heejin when she hears that Chaewon didn’t even think twice about scaling a wall and trespassing simply to egg the car of some who followed Yerim home to their apartment. (But then again, Heejin wouldn’t even think twice about it either. She thanks their chatty neighbor who had caught Yerim hastily heading inside their apartment door to escape the looming presence of danger. Being stopped by their neighbor, Yerim welcomes the new trusted presence that unintentionally becomes a bubble of protection, a witness, for her.)

What shocks Heejin more is coming home and hearing the loud high lilt of Chaew