The abyss of a broken heart compels me to do this.

Staring down at the bloodied palms and lacerated wrists, my mind raced with the simple thought—it doesn’t have to end this way Sungyeol.

However, the slowing, fading beat of a shattered heart and spirit, consumed what was left of my will to live. Each day spent without her, felt like a century of agony fell upon my shoulders.

Just awaking in a world, when the true love of your life, is no longer laying beside you; smiling with iridescent eyes, pressing her lips lightly against your cheek making you realise…that this day, has already been one you will remember for eternity—instead, I lay with bloodshot vision; the river of tears, as dry as the Sahara. Wondering if he feels the same way I do; only not in the haunted sheets that I sit in, he does not have the ‘luxury’ that I have right now—though where is the comfort, in blood-stained covers?

But then again, what is luxurious about blood and self-suffering, in comparison to the lavishness of a bitter, hard cell floor?

Staggering my vision, as I caught the last photograph of her in existence; my lip trembled, placing an index finger to her face, lightly as I did the final time that she was with me. Alive.

“I’m—so sorry—I should never have left you here alone”

Gulping deeply, taking a tight hold on the shard of glass; from the long-empty bottle of liquor. Heartache and self-destruction beckoned, as I bit my lip—looking away from the porcelain under-side of my arm, placing the edge of the glass against it firmly. Pressing deeply into the skin, the pain of being alone, too much to bear as I carved another wound into it.

Just hoping that…it would take me away from here.

Blinking once, recalling that moment fourteen days ago; returning to our apartment, a big smile on my face as I hid an engagement ring inside my pocket. The door. The door was unlocked. Her scream—piercing my ears as my eyes then became drawn to the smashed cup on the floor, sprinting into the hallway, immediately turning my attention to the open bedroom door—a male silhouette appearing against it. “No…”followed by the distinct sound of someone falling to the floor. Yet, nothing could prepare me for the sight before my eyes. There she was—drenched in blood, collapsed in a heap; the ivory colour of the carpet, mixing with the deep crimson oozing from wounds all over her body—and there he was—“JANG DONGWOO!” turning to me sharply, a butchers knife, covered in the life of my girlfriend—fell to the floor with a clatter.

Jolting back suddenly, the pain of the deep flesh wounds brought me back from the trance-like state of previous; clenching my fist tightly, as vital life drained slowly from the veins, I couldn’t hold back a strong wince of pain—gritting my teeth.

It would only be a matter of time until we were together again.

Grabbing another bottle of alcohol from the bedside, the photo—in plain sight once more, as with a hardened expression, I took a long swig, vanquishing all of the remaining retched memories of that night.

“I’ve been down this road too many times these past two weeks, and still—nothing can bring you back. Can you hear me? I just want to embrace you one final time, maybe that way, my soul can rest.”

Taking a deep breath, my vision became fuzzy and strained as I slashed deeper into another section of my wrist—crimson life, pouring from the wound rapidly, placing a bloodied palm to my forehead; my eyes, determined to cry with anguish and sorrow once again, before dizziness took its hold, weakening muscles and my mind, as I fell onto my side, clutching her pillow and staining it with life-force. Closing my eyes for just a moment, a wisp of bitter cold air spun around me.

“I’ve always been able to hear you Sungyeol-ah…”

“What?”

Inhaling sharply as I dragged my eyes up from the pillow; there—there she was! Sat next to me, tilting her head down to mine, in the playful manner that she always did!

“In fact, I’ve never left you. Not for one moment…I don’t really like being away from you—Oppa. I know that you’re only a few weeks older than me…but—you don’t mind me calling you that do you?”

“Uh—n-no, you…can always call me that…but tell me, am I…”

“Dead? Why are you doing this to yourself Sungyeol-ah?”

“Because I miss you, I love you and want to be with you for eternity…and I know that with an earthbound body…there is no way I can be one with you again” 

“But it pains me; to see you slowly killing yourself Oppa…I do not want to see you suffering anymore”

“…I won’t be for much longer. Then we can walk together again, in the gardens of the afterlife, we’ll go wherever you want to go…”

“Sungyeol-ah…why did he do this to me?”

So these are what astral tears appear as? A sparkling mist; glimmering like tiny diamonds as they fall delicately from her eyes.

“Dongwoo did it…because; well…if he couldn’t have you, then no one else could…I’m sorry”

“You have nothing to be sorry over Oppa. It’s my fault, I shouldn’t have let him in…he said he only wanted to talk to me after all”

Her glazed eyes scanned over the gaping wounds over my arms, sighing and placing her icy hand to mine; a small smile playing across her lips as she spoke with winged words-

“If this is what you really want, then—just let go…”

“Let—go? Oh…I see. This is what I want; I just wish that I could have asked you this one last thing, before he took you away from me…”

“You can ask me now”

“I am not quite sure it’ll have the same effect to be honest—am-am I right in guessing that you have seen the ring?”

“I have, did you buy it that afternoon Sungyeol-ah?”

“I did. You see—I had everything planned out, it would have been a perfect evening; a moonlight serenade…it was going to be, one of the greatest moments in my life…where I would finally show you how much I love you, by asking you to become my wife”

Biting my lip, those grey astral eyes that have entranced me from the moment we first met—shone with happiness. And so, for the first time since her departure of this world—I smiled. Taking away the searing pain from the wounds, as vital life poured from the main artery, it was her happiness which I see before my eyes, which finally brought me to my senses.

“Why didn’t I think of something like this sooner? We would have been together by now…”

Her bright and breezy eyes beamed to mine, as she held out her hand, standing before me.

“Let go Sungyeol-Oppa. Just let go…”

Placing my hand delicately in hers, inhaling one final time before shutting these long tormented eyes of mine.

“We can be together forever in death…”