I don't know what this is.  It was written while listening to ♫ Chen's Mini Album on repeat ♡
Written for Kyungsoo's enlistment date ㅠㅠ I will miss you lots.

 

 

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"You'd make a good father."

Unexpectedly, these are the words that Minseok leaves him with.  Embarrassment spills over and even more than that, pride hardens his expression and posture.  So, when Minseok turns and walks away, Kyungsoo doesn't stop him.  He can't even bring himself to call out to him.  When he can see Minseok's shoulders bunch up ever so slightly, Kyungsoo knows Minseok is crying.  Even so, the feeling of betrayal and the too public break-up ignites the stubborn side of him and Kyungsoo too turns in the opposite direction.  He walks in a straight line, fixing his gaze forward so that he doesn't look back.  Because looking back means that he loses.  Loving Minseok more means that he loses.

At least that's what he remembers thinking two years back when Minseok had broken up with him.

Now, all he thinks about is how foolish he had been.

 

 

 

Back when Kyungsoo was twenty, his ego had prevented him from doing lots of things.  Now, he wishes he had taken away the awkward silences with words, so that Minseok would have known just how much Kyungsoo had loved him.  Now, all Kyungsoo wishes is that he had lost to Minseok first, saying sorry before they could draw out their fight with battles of the cold shoulder.  And though Minseok too had been inexperienced with this kind of relationship, when Kyungsoo recalls all the memories of Minseok, he can piece the puzzle together.  How blind Kyungsoo had been.  How selfish Kyungsoo had been.

There's a soft breeze this Saturday morning.  It's spring again somehow and it's the same time of year when Minseok had said his last goodbye.  There's a bookstore at the end of a pretty road lined with cherry blossoms.  It's a road Kyungsoo's walked down many times with Minseok, hand in hand.  Hindsight is 20/20 and Kyungsoo remembers being the happiest, feeling the soft warmth of Minseok's hand in his own.

He gets a cup of hot drip coffee at a cafe nearby.  Often, they had sat in this very cafe, not really talking, but maybe reading something like a new book or the newspaper that day.  Kyungsoo remembers the white noise of the cafe and the silence that had enveloped them like a little bubble - their own little world of bliss.

"Ah..." Kyungsoo mutters dumbly.

A memory comes to him so suddenly that it's like an impact that elicits a sound from Kyungsoo's mouth.  A little girl, about six years old or so, had bumped into Kyungsoo's leg in this very cafe.  Falling on her bottom, she had looked up at Kyungsoo and had burst into tears.  Kyungsoo had been flustered but had scooped the girl up, asking where her mother or father was.  The girl was almost inconsolable as the panic rose in her little throat.  It was usually Minseok that was good in situations like this, but Kyungsoo had been trying his best to be the kind of man Minseok would be proud to be with.

"I don't-  I don't-" the girl had cried.

Patting the frantic child on the back, Kyungsoo had whispered, "Don't worry.  We'll find them for you.  Shhh... Don't worry."

And just like that the girl's tears had stopped flowing.  Relieved, Kyungsoo had glanced at Minseok.  But Minseok had been frozen, an odd expression on his face making him a second too slow to respond.

"I'll... I'll go ask the front desk" Minseok had said before turning as if running away.

Briefly forgetting the girl in his arms, Kyungsoo had stared at Minseok's retreating figure in confusion.  Was something wrong?  Was it his imagination?  But just then, a frazzled young mother had called the little girl's name.  What was it?  Minji?  Minah?  Something that started with Min.  Something that reminded Kyungsoo about Minseok.  Something that triggered Kyungsoo to think of a little girl that looked like Minseok.  Minseok's own daughter.  How cute would that be?

The young mother had apologzied and thanked him.  And only when the mother and child had gone, had Minseok come back.  When Minseok had returned, the odd expression was gone and the memory had been displaced in Kyungsoo's mind then.

Later, he remembered it only when Minseok was breaking up with him.

"Your family, they... you're their son.  They... they wouldn't-"

"Minseok-ah"

"I don't want to be the reason you distance yourself from your family" Minseok had said.

"You won't be.  This isn't the answer.  You're thinking about this the wrong way."

And Kyungsoo had truly thought that he was being the voice of reason then.  Because this wasn't because of Minseok.  It really wasn't.  The fact that he loved a boy was not Minseok's fault.  But Minseok was shaking his head, stopping the words in Kyungsoo's throat.

"I don't want to be the reason you're-  the reason that you're... unhappy."

It was then that Minseok had started to fight his tears.  It startled Kyungsoo because Minseok wasn't one to cry, especially not in public.  It was heart breaking to see Minseok struggle and so Kyungsoo had reached out to take Minseok's hand.  But it had been deftly slapped away.

Finally, Minseok had said, "I'm sorry.  I can't.  Not anymore."  Short staccato words that gently, but completely had broken Kyungsoo's heart.

"Kim Minseok."

It was probably then that the anger had risen in Kyungsoo's chest, eventually setting his whole body ablaze.  Minseok wasn't even looking at him anymore, like he'd already turned away.  As if this was the end of a story with a predestined conclusion.

"...You'd make a good father" Minseok had whispered.

 

 

 

Kyungsoo gets up from his seat.  The cafe isn't full, but he's already been sitting and reminiscing for an hour.  His coffee has gone cold, but he still takes the take-out cup.  Holding the cup like a protective blanket, he walks the road again; walking this path by himself is lonelier than he had expected.  Pale pink petals fall around him, swirling in the slight breeze.  His step is slow because in a few blocks, it'll be over.  After this, life will go back to life without Kim Minseok.

Today actually marks two years exactly.  He had heard from friends of friends that Minseok had gone to do his military service.  It had been a passing comment.  Kyungsoo doesn't know how recent or how old the news is.  

"..."

A petal lands on the lid of his coffee cup.

"If you catch a cherry blossom petal, it means your love will come true" Minseok had once said with a mischevious smile.

"Nonsense."

"Why?!  You're not going to even try?"

"Why would I when I already have you?" Kyungsoo had returned.

Kyungsoo stretches out a hand, uncharacteristically hoping this time that one will land on his palm.  It's odd, the petals land everywhere but his hand.  Kyungsoo smiles wryly; it's an all too accurate summary of his current situation.

 

 

 

His last stop is the bookstore they'd frequent.  These past two years had been immensely hard.  He had lost Minseok.  He had come out to his parents and had lost them too.  And though a few months ago he'd gained back the trust and love of his family, Minseok was no longer in his life.  All this, Kyungsoo had endured without a change in his facial expression.  Because, if he allowed himself to cry, if he allowed himself to grimace, maybe it would all be true.  \Maybe the only way he had endured it was by pretending somewhere deep down that this had all been a bad bad dream.

The bookstore is quite busy today.  It's a sizeable store with a pretty good, eclectic selection of books - one of the reasons why Minseok and he had liked the bookstore so much.  He goes down the cooking section and picks out a book.  He's thumbing through one of the recipie books when something catches the corner of his eye -  a flash of pink.  The man has a familiar back and Kyungsoo's body moves on instinct.  There's people in his way and at first, Kyungsoo's politely dodging and waiting for people to move.  But the man gets further and further.  The man walks incredibly fast for such a small person.  The person's hair is black, buzzed short as if-

"Minseok-ah!"

The people around him turn to stare, but Kyungsoo doesn't care.

"Minseok-ah!  Kim Minseok!"

But the man has already disappeared into the throng of people bustling at the front doors of the bookstore.  When Kyungsoo runs to exit, someone stops him.

"Sir, you have to pay for that book."

Kyungsoo looks at the employee, then looks down.  The cook book is still in his hands.   

Hastily shoving the book into the employee's hand, Kyungsoo stumbles out onto the street.  It's a crowded street because it's Saturday and people are starting to come out to enjoy the day.  Kyungsoo stops short, chest heaving from being out of breath without even knowing it.  He looks left.  He looks right.  His eyes frantically search the sea of bodies but the familiar back is gone.

 

 

 

This morning, Kyungsoo had decided to forget.  It had been a depressing two years of dwelling in the past.  He didn't want to admit it, but he had been a coward, unable to ask Minseok to come back.  Everyday, he had said, "Tomorrow.  Tomorrow I'll call Minseok.  Tomorrow."  But when he had looked at the calendar one day, a year had passed, then two.  It was today, on the two year anniversary of their break up that Kyungsoo had decided to finally move on.  But now...

Kyungsoo finds himself standing stock still in a street overflowing with people.  

"Are you OK?" asks the bookstore employee, who had followed him outside.  "Did something happen?"

The employee's voice is careful as if dealing with someone fragile.  Kyungsoo turns toward the young woman in the bookstore apron.  Her eyes widen in surprise and then, Kyungsoo's surprised to find a handkerchief placed in his hand.

"Use this, Sir.  You can keep it.  Let me know if there's anything I can do."

Kyungsoo reaches up to his face, confused.  And it's only then that he realizes that he's been crying.

"Ah..."

And finally, Kyungsoo realizes, "I love you..."

There's no past tense.  He had loved Kim Minseok and he still did.  So, when Minseok had said that he'd make a good father, Kyungsoo had only imagined raising children with Minseok.  He had taken things for granted.  The moment Minseok had turned away, Kyungsoo had never considered that they'd be apart for so long.  He had relied too much on Minseok.  Kyungsoo drops his arms at his sides and closes his eyelids.  Hot tears stream silently down his cheeks.  

"But perhaps..." 

Kyungsoo chooses to hope for once; for once, he chooses to be brave.  Suddenly turning back, he runs down the street, weaving in and out of the pedestrian traffic until he reaches that stretch of cherry blossom trees.  Strangely, there aren't as many people on this road.  A strong gust suddenly billows up as if announcing Kyungsoo's arrival.  And within the cloud of pink petals, Kyungsoo sees a lone figure walking the way Kyungsoo had come.  It's a familiar small back and the pale pink cardigan almost blends in with the trees.  He runs, faster and faster until-

"Kim Minseok!"

The small round head turns.  A surprised set of eyes meet Kyungsoo's.

"Always..." Kyungsoo breathes.  His breath is short from running.  "Always" he repeats.  "I've always loved you."

Minseok's face is a little thinner than Kyungsoo remembers.  His head is freshly shaved, but Kyungsoo can't tell if he's just come back or if he's just going.  At this very moment, all Kyungsoo can really focus on are the tears suddenly moistening Minseok's face.  Kyungsoo's pretty sure that he's crying too, but he's also smiling and it's as if those two years had never come between them.

"No matter what.  I've always-"

But before Kyungsoo can finish, Minseok's lips are on Kyungsoo's and the familiar temperature pressed against his dry skin is like a sigh of relief.  He leans into Minseok's body, a habitual thing because his body fits Kyungsoo's so perfectly.  The two arms Kyungsoo had longed for wrap around his neck and the all too familiar smell of Kim Minseok fills his senses, more heady than the scent of cherry blossoms.  When the pressure of Minseok's lips slowly lessens, Kyungsoo opens his eyes to Minseok sighing.

"Me too" Minseok exhales.  "I'll always love you too."