AN: Hi everyone, I was actually planning to write something for this pairing before everything blew and ended up  writing this instead. Hope everyone will hold up just fine.

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It’s Okay

 

Lee Hayi knew that day. She felt the tension in the air the whole day, everyone was too busy to talk. She didn’t really know what was happening. She didn’t dare ask, it seemed like something serious.

 

She just knew it involved that one person. Kim Hanbin. Her same age friend. She was friendly with him but not to the point of knowing what was going on with him then.

 

Whatever was the issue that day, it wasn’t fully disclosed to them. She just knew it had taken a toll on Hanbin. After that, he became quite aloof. He was quiet for months, always locked up in the recording studio, making songs nonstop.

 

He barely talked to her. On instances that they met and talked, he would just bow down his head to greet her but wouldn’t meet her eyes. As if he was embarrassed to talk to her. She knew it was because of that issue. He was embarrassed of whatever involvement he had.

 

It was months after, when she’d had enough of all of it. She was listening to a demo in the studio and he arrived. He’d paused by the door when he saw her, she saw him hesitate before deciding to sit beside her.

 

She played the song again from the start and they listened to it together. He bobbed his head to the beat until the song finished, “It’s good.” He still can’t look at her. Here he is finally talking to her, she did not dare miss the chance. She heaved a sigh and grabbed his arm.

 

That made him look at her for the first time in a long time. She saw sadness in them. Sadness she wanted to take half off from him.

 

“Look, it’s okay. Whatever it is. It’s okay.” She said the truth then and she stood by what she said. Whatever he did, she didn’t want to hear it if he decided it was best she shouldn’t know. She just trusted in him and how she knew him. She knew he was a sincere person with a big heart and that’s the only truth she needed to comfort him and to know he’ll stand up strong from all of this. Her hand firmly gripped his arm, as if to send him her feelings in that touch.

 

He looked at her then at the hand grasping his arm. He bit his lip and slowly, he nodded; putting his hand on top of hers and shutting his eyes close for a while.

 

She didn’t know how long but she felt the change. She felt him getting strength from their joined hands. She just knew it was going to be different.

 

He lifted his eyes to hers and she saw them glistening. And with a shaky breath, he finally spoke, “Thank you, Hayi-ah.”

 

---

 

After that day, she saw the transition in him. He looked brighter each day, like he was putting the worries behind him. Like he was starting anew, learning from whatever it was that happened with him. She liked this improvement on him, happy he was making up for whatever the issue was back then. Standing up again and learning from whatever he did.

 

He was still always crazy about making songs but it was different this time. He wasn’t aloof anymore. He let her listen to his compositions and he even offered one song to her.

 

She was on hiatus and she learned a lot from him about music during that time. She greatly appreciated him letting her tag along. They weren’t really talkative with each other, they’ve always been like that from the start. But the silence that envelops them each time, it was that of comfort. Music had taken over what were supposed to be conversations. And she loved that. She wasn’t much of a conversationalist to begin with.

 

Whatever it was he was moving on from, she wanted to help. She was resolved to do just that.

 

She asked for his help in her album. He’d agreed to it right away but suggested he work in the background when she suggested giving him a bigger part in this. Since he was already giving so much in making her comeback album, she wanted him to be part of the title track. She picked the song he had took part in making.

 

He scratched the back of his neck as he bowed his head down, “I’m actually worried… of the issue I had back then. I don’t want to cause any trouble, Hayi-ah....”

 

Hayi looked at his hunched shoulders. Whenever he remembered that time, he would turn like this. She didn’t want him going back to that memory like this. She wanted him to face it head on.

 

Just like last time, she reached out a hand to hold his arm firmly.

 

“It’s okay.” She reassured him with those words again. She smiled. “It’s okay, Hanbin-ah.”

 

“Besides, if you’re making up for your whatever happened, this would be the best way, right? Making good music and performance… bringing smiles to everyone?”

 

Hanbin glanced at her then down at her hand, nodding as he bowed his head. He took a deep breath and met her eyes, searching. Whatever her eyes conveyed, it looked like he found what he was searching for. Because slowly, a weak smile broke out in his face. He placed a hand on top of hers again, his voice was soft like he was going to cry, “Thank you, Hayi-ah.”

 

In the end, he even promised to go to promotions with her til the end. She knew she was asking too much from him for that, yet she still made a selfish decision and agreed. The truth was she was nervous of her comeback after three years of resting, he knew that and somehow, he was someone she found comforting. She thought if he was there completely with her, she’ll feel like she could really get through it.

 

She hoped he felt the same with her. That he could get through what he was going through with her.

 

---

 

“You're gonna get caught off guard. you're okay with that aren't you?^^”

 

Hayi smiled looking at his comment on her post. Underneath, she replied as well, that she was going to wait for it. She was expecting it for real. Too eagerly too that she reread his comment every morning since he said it.

 

She reread his comment again now, waking up, and let out a small laugh, “Pabo-ya.” He was such a weirdo sometimes but she loved it. She loved his crazy ideas. She shook her head and locked her phone, lying back down on her bed and trying to get a little more sleep since she didn’t have any schedule for the day.

 

She’s just closed her eyes when her phone beeped.

 

It was a message from Hanbin and just two words. “Hayi-ah, mianhe.” Sorry.

 

She rubbed her eyes, thinking she was still dreaming but she was not. She bolted up from her bed, typing a quick reply. “Why? Where are you? What’s going on?”

 

Then another beep. Another message. It was not from him. It was a link of news that had just broke out.

 

About him. And that issue three years ago. Her hand felt numb and she almost dropped her phone.

 

They didn’t often call each other. She wanted to, to be able to call him casually one day. She planned to do it one of these days since they’ve become so much closer. She didn’t know it would be under this situation. That it would result under this urgency. But she didn’t care anymore.

 

Her hands felt cold as she waited for him to pick up, phasing around her room, she bit her thumb.

 

First ring. Second ring. Third ring.

 

Then he picks up. There was a rustle on the other side.

 

“Hello? Hanbin?”

 

There was a sound emitted. It was a sob and she felt her heart break. Hanbin was somewhere crying. She felt like crying herself, even more when she heard him call her name so desperately, “Hayi-ah…”

 

“Yes, I’m here.” She felt her voice quiver a little.

 

“I… promised to go with you…” His voice was shaking as well, muffled. “Til the end… But I… I don’t think I will be able to.”

 

A tear she didn’t know she was holding, escaped her eyes hearing that. Just this morning, she was looking forward to what he would prepare next for their performance. Now he was telling her this. How could this go wrong all at once?

 

“It’s okay. It’s okay.” She repeated the words to him and to herself as well. “It’s going to be okay. Just tell me where you are right now.”

 

There was silence from the other line. Her hands tightened on her phone.

 

“Please, Hanbin. Don’t… Don’t disappear like this.”

 

---

 

Everything happened too fast. Suddenly, she was reading his apology post and that he was withdrawing. Then moments after, YG accepting his decision.

 

She had to hold unto something to stand up straight after reading it blow by blow. She continued walking and walking. Until she could finally reach him. It shouldn’t have been like this. He repented, he was sorry. He was working hard to make up for whatever it was he did.

 

He was trying so hard to make it all alright again. He was doing all he could. Can it never really be enough?

 

It seemed like he turned off his phone as she tried to reach him again after reading those. She only wished he was where he said he would be. She’d even went and begged her older sister to drive her there and pleaded for her to not ask anything; that she would explain later.

 

She took careful steps as she got of the car and bidding her sister goodbye, calming down herself. “It’s okay. It’s going to be alright, Hayi-ah. Hayi-ting!” She paused. He used to say that to her to lift her spirits up. Her eyes watered as she gulped, it was her turn to be strong for him, to lift him back again. She had to stay strong.

 

Her steps slowed down as she recognized his back in the darkness against the river. She let out a breath she unknowingly held back. He was sitting alone, his back hunched again from all his worries. She hated seeing that look on him, like he carried the whole world on his back.

 

A soft sob escaped as she took a deep breath and started to walk towards him. He was wearing a dark gray hoodie, his blonde bangs peeking out all messy as if he was pulling them while he was all alone here. She could only imagine how he was taking all these in.

 

His hands were shaking, he was chewing on his thumbnail. She also noticed his arms were quivering as well. Who knows how long he’s been sitting here like this.

 

She reached out a hand and paused in mid air. Taking a deep breath, she softly caressed his back two times before sitting beside him. She was sure he needed that.

 

He didn’t look at her right away. Like he was embarrassed of himself once again because of this issue. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath before facing her. His eyes were red rimmed and they looked in pain again.

 

His mouth opened with a quiver, to talk, but no words can form. His eyes were pleading and it was just painful to look at. He turned away and run a hand through his hair, slumping his face against his palm. His sobs were soft but it was the only sound she could hear.

 

Hayi fidgeted her fingers on top of her lap as she watched his slumped form. She wanted to see him and see that he’s okay and alive. But now, she didn’t know what to say to help him.

 

“Sorry.”

 

She looked up from her hands to him, he was facing the sky. Tears streamed down his face.

 

“I’m sorry I ruined it, Hayi-ah. I’m sorry it turned out like this. I really… wanted to help.”

 

Without thinking, she reached out her hand to hold his arm firmly. Just like she always did when he was like this.

 

She felt her own eyes water as she took a deep breath, almost automatically, those words escaping in a bare whisper, “It’s okay…”

 

Because it was the only thing you can say to someone who's torturing himself over a mistake he's done. Who thinks it won't be okay anymore, that it is final and that it wouldn't get better what ever he does. "It's okay." She had to repeat it a lot and firmly to a person like that. 

 

“We… We’ll get through this.”

 

Suddenly she was brought back to that day. When she cried in front of him. She’d always took it upon herself to view her quite long hiatus positively. To treat it as a learning experience and something she could grow from.

 

It had been three years and Hanbin, who she was kind of hanging out with finally, had pushed her to not let all of it go. To start somewhere already, to be ready. That she could do it, she will. “I just know it.” He said firmly telling her she could get back up and stand strong above this all.

 

He knew how music and singing was her life. That day, she’d finally let her fears and worry out to him. One tear came after another and before she knew it, she was bawling her eyes at him.

 

“Hayi-ah, listen. It’s okay… We’ll get through this.” She knew they were just words but it took an effect on her. She badly needed to hear that. She didn’t know she’d hear it from him though. She did, and it made sense. He was that kind of passionate and encouraging person, she just didn’t connect that to her. She finally realized that they were that kind of friends then. Friends who would root for each other and watch each other grow.

 

“I’ll be there with you.” He had said and she had held unto that. “No matter what.”

 

And that he did, he stayed with her through it all; finishing her comeback album, her title track and even her mv. He’d been there the whole time even if he was finished with his parts. He prepared so much for her. She came to appreciate the person that he is so much.

 

That was also when she knew she’d always be there for him as well, no matter what.

 

Now was the time he needed her to be there for him and she will be. No matter what.

 

Hanbin looked at the hand she reached out to his arm, slowly he reached out and held it unto both his hands. He was grasping her hand like he was grasping for dear life.

 

She held down her tears. He needed someone, anyone. He always did. It was unfortunate that he had turned that need unto something else that time.

 

So when he wrote those lyrics for their song, “Knock knock, is anyone there?” It hit her. She knew it went on a deeper level entirely.

 

“You asked, if anyone was there…” She sniffed and held out her other hand to him as well. Her eyes watering. Answering his call, she said, “I’m here.”

 

He held down a sob as he reached out for it with a shaky hand. Hayi grasped his hands together firmly. “I’ll be there with you.” She repeated his words to her. “Everyone’ll be there.”

 

“Your family. Your members. Your fans. We… we’re your family. We won’t leave you.” Family means nobody gets left behind.

 

As if that’s all he needed before he completely lost it, he took a last deep breath before he broke down. Sobbing against her hands, holding them tightly. Pleading for forgiveness over and over.

 

“I’m sorry… I’m so sorry… to everyone….”

 

She took a deep breath and started humming her song, Breathe.

 

“It’s alright if you run out of breath, no one will blame you,” She brought an arm around him, enveloping him, protecting him.

 

“It’s okay to make mistakes sometimes, because anyone can do so,” His silent tears poured down as he held on.

 

“Although comforting by saying 'it’s alright' are just words… ” her hand steadily taps his back and the back of his head. He held her hand tighter, collapsing against her. She bit her lip and held back her own tears.

 

She closed her eyes, she took a shaky breath, “Even if others think your sigh takes out energy and strength, I already know. That you had a day that’s hard enough to let out even a small sigh,” She held out her other arm and hugged him, leaning her head down on top of his.

 

Pulling back, she held out a hand to stand up. “Now don’t think of anything else,” She took a deep breath, gestured him to breathe in and out “...let out a deep sigh.” He shut his eyes and let out a shaky breath.

 

She smiled bringing her hands to his face, he opened his eyes. “Just let it out like that”

 

He bit his lip and pulled her into a hug, “Thank you. Hayi-ah.”

 

She smiled as tear escaped her own eyes and patted his back, continuing her song softly, “Someone’s breath. That heavy breath. How can I see through that?”

 

“Though I can’t understand your breath...” She brought a hand to pat the back of his head. She whispered against the side of his head, “It’s alright, I’ll hold you.”

 

She pulled away and stepped back. He bowed his head down and she lifted her hands to cradle his face, making him look up. Bringing a hand to brush back his hair, she ended her song... 

 

“You... really did a good job.” She sniffed and held down her own sob as a new set of tears streamed down his face.

 

She reached out a hand to wipe his tears. “It’s okay, Hanbin-ah. We’re all here for you. It’s okay.”

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"It's okay."

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AN: I want Hanbin to stay strong and I don’t know, aside from loving this pairing, I maybe used Hayi to represent what most of us are feeling right now.

What I think about all of this. He did it or not, I choose to stay and watch him make up for whatever mistake he admitted or will admit to, just like I did for GD/TOP. This won’t make me leave this family just yet. I’m stubborn like this and I believe in redemption and that mistakes are made for learning. For now, if there are punishments that should be faced (one that is rightfully charged) then, just like I’ve written here, I’ll be there to support. I’ll wait for when they come back and stand strong from learning over their mistakes and I’ll be proud of them.