Chapter 8

into the light

The rain has stopped at this point. Momo has found a spot by the window, occasionally turning to look at the clouds that hover overhead, drawing closer to the Washer’s Building. Mina is by the clothesline, hanging up the clothes that Sana hands her when she’s done scrubbing and washing them.

I find myself standing quite awkwardly in the middle of the room, gaze flicking between Momo and the other two.

«Sit, Dahyun.» Momo laughs, using her foot to nudge a stool in my direction. «You look lost like that.»

It takes a great deal of willpower to keep myself from asking questions as to how I look, why I look that way. What about me makes me stand out from the rest, is it my clothes? The soot on my face? The dirt beneath my nails? Or the bruises on my knuckles?

I take the stool, drag it to the wall, right where Mina and Sana are working tirelessly, and make myself as small as possible.

«Don’t think the sun’ll make it through the clouds.» Momo says carelessly.

«At least it’s not rain.» Sana mumbles in reply.

«No. I guess not.» Momo shrugs. «It’ll be slippery. I should’ve brought another pair of shoes. These won’t do at all.» Momo knocks the tip of her shoe against the ground, shaking off the dirt.

«You’re always so ill-prepared.» Mina comments.

Momo laughs again, shaking off Mina’s little jab.

«How do you do it?» I ask before I can stop myself.

Momo’s laugh ceases. Sana drops the clothes back into the tub of water. Mina drops a pin; it makes a small noise as it hits the floor.

«Do what?» Momo is the first to ask. 

«This,» I say, making a circle in the air with my finger, «all of us. This type of pretending.»

«Dahyun.» Sana warns.

«I can’t stand it.» I whisper.

«And you think that we can?» Momo snaps. «This isn’t pretending, it’s a coping mechanism. It’s how we stay sane.»

«By lying to yourselves?»

«If you want to do something about it, then by all means do something.»

I frown. I feel so far removed from them and their situation, I fail to understand what they’re talking about, where their words of explanation come from. I can’t pretend that everything’s fine when my brother’s dead, my father’s gone and Tzuyu’s on the most dangerous list to ever exist.

There was nothing I could do before either, my knowledge about the Resistance Party prior to going to the meeting was just that they existed. No knowledge about what they did, what their goal was. Had I known everything much earlier, then perhaps Momo’s cruel words would have been justified, but now I feel attacked for a crime I have not committed.

«Do we have to talk about this now?» Mina asks with a sigh.

«There’s never a proper time to talk about it.» Sana chimes in.

«Here? Now?» Mina looks around the washing room.

I am forced to agree with Sana that there is no proper time to talk about a matter as serious as this.

«I would’ve never guessed you were all a part of it.» I begin, «I’m still processing it.»

I can tell that Momo has something to say, the way she looks at me, the way she plays with the umbrella in her hand. She twists the handle, the metal tip digs into the floor.

«And I’m still trying to figure out how much you know.» I look at Sana. «But I guess the information’s scattered. Certain people know certain things.»

«It’s better that way.» Momo rushes to say.

«Is it?»

«It is.» Momo’s eyes darken.

I want to ask her what she actually means, what she’s hiding from me. How can they expect me to help when they won’t even tell me what’s going on?

«Everyone keeps saying they want the Guild to burn, but what does that actually mean? Reform?» I ask. «Or total destruction?»

Momo moves suddenly, crossing the length of the room with three large steps and towers above me.

«You’re lucky Jihyo thinks you’re important.» Momo snarls.

There’s something else she wants to tell me, something else sitting on the tip of her tongue. But then she closes her eyes, takes a step back, and composes herself.

Mina looks shocked and buries herself in her work, hanging up the clothes robotically.

«Could you give us a moment?» Sana asks, wanting Momo and Mina to leave.

Mina is quick to do as Sana asks, but Momo is slow to follow. Her gaze darts between me and Sana. I had the impression that Momo used to trust me, perhaps not with her own life, but enough for her to seem satisfied. Now she watches me like a hawk, like I may lunge at her, or perhaps whatever thoughts that cloud her mind will make her want to lunge at me.

«We’ll be outside.» Momo tells us, then leaves.

When I turn to Sana once more, I am surprised to find her looking at me. At first I think there must be something on my face; soot and ash, or dirt and grime from the mines.

I rub my face with my hands, but then Sana reaches out to me, gently wrapping her hands around my wrists. She pulls me closer and closer, forcing me onto my knees in front of her. She dunks my hands in the bucket of water, which is warm — but not scorching.

«I have little to say that won’t upset you.» Sana admits as she cleans my hands.

«I don’t think that’s true.» I reassure her. «What is it you wanted to talk to me about?»

«You must understand that Momo, Mina — all of us are suffering in different ways.»

«I’m not blind, Sana.» I tell her. «I can see it. I just don’t understand what you want me to do about it?»

«Please, Dahyun, try to understand.»

«I am. I am trying, Sana.» I insist, how many times do I have to tell people that I am trying my best, whilst I only have half the puzzle solved, and I must figure out the rest for myself. It’s like walking around in the dark, fumbling, meeting people, hearing their voice in my ear, but never really seeing them.

If Momo now believes she has misplaced her trust in me, then I might be as childish to say that I’ve done the same to her.

Sana’s hands tighten around mine, I can feel her fingernails digging into the back of my hand. She’s not looking at me anymore.

I lean forwards and whisper: «What did they do to you, Sana? You never told me.»

She shakes her head, as if she can’t even bear the thought of telling me, as if she can’t summon the words. My question has opened an old wound that has healed improperly, badly, scarred her somehow.

I pull my hands out of the water and out of her grasp. I force her to look at me by cradling her chin with my hand. She has such sorrowful eyes now.

«Don’t mistake my hesitancy for rejection, Sana.» I tell her carefully. «I have always wanted to leave this place, I’ve come up with several ways, scenarios in which I will make my great escape. Scale the chain fence, crawl underneath the barbed wire and run across the tundra. But suddenly when the opportunity to get away is presented to me, I find a reason to stay. I don’t understand it, myself I mean. I can barely keep up with everything that’s shifting and changing around me. I blink, then suddenly it’s night again and I’ve lost another day.»

I lean forwards and place a gentle kiss on her forehead.

Her arm shoots out and she grabs onto me.

«Don’t do anything foolish.» She says, quickly.

I hear her voice in my ear, even as I turn to leave, Momo and Mina have returned and Sana has gone back to washing the clothes, I can still hear her. And it is only when the door has shut behind me that I wonder if Sana’s words are less about wisdom and more of a warning of what is to come.

I