You know jongdae,

there were moments that I’ ll never forget, moments that if you ask me I might not be able to recall right there and then but they' ll come to my mind the most unexpected times.

Like the other day when I was at the bus and the freshener went off I--it had the same smell as the one at his old place. And for a moment there I felt like I was again at his old apartment sitting on his couch by the fish tank, gazing off as he was washing the dishes. Iimages of endless Sunday noons in the summer with the curtains in his living room flying by the light breeze.

And then again I am walking down the street and I feel like he is there with me holding my hand.

You know I had some habits when I was with him. Random small things I wouldn't pick up unless he told me. You know when we cuddled sometimes I would place my hand right above his heart and hear it beating. And I would feel so calm. And you should have seen his face the first time he realised what I was doing, how he smiled to me and said that this was the sweetest thing. And then I would lean down and kiss that same spot right above his heart.

And other times right before we fell asleep he would slide his hand right behind my head and I would lay on his chest and sometimes I would hold him, I would hold him right at the hem of his pants where the elastic of the pyjamas is. And when he asked me why I was doing that I didn't know either. And jongdae I loved to hold him. Even when he was driving and we were at his car I would hold him by his pocket and then he would take my hand and kiss it.

And I used to tell him I was doing it because I wanted to hold him forever and he would smile and said that he wants me too. And there where so many times jongdae, so yes no matter how much he has hurt me. No matter how he just left in one night without any notice. How he left me for a better job a life away from everyone and everything in a different country as far away as he could be. Even if he tore my heart into pieces and left my behind to fix it. How I was left behind to figure out what had lead to that and what mistakes had I done.

I love him jongdae and deep down, hidden somewhere only he knows I believe he loved me too and all those small moments, the look on his face, a smile, a small hug, a peck on the lips when I didn't expect it all those were his way of showing me that he loved me.

And even if it's wrong even if it' ll hurt me even more for me Luhan was the one and he' ll always be.

And even now that I have a new job, home, a fresh start for myself, even now I' m so weak in the sight of anything that could remind me of him. Even now I worry over him.

Even now I love him.