Seulgi sat in front of her desk at 4 AM in the morning, trying to finish the critique paper that needs to be passed on her 7 AM class.

Her phone was buzzing, several of her classmates seemed to have the same idea of procrastinating this paper. Even if her phone is distracting her, she checks on it anyway in case of sudden announcements of the suspension of her class, because everyone was hoping that the professor was sick.

Seulgi laughed at her classmates, as the time was ticking, her classmates kept on sending funny videos and pictures of their tired faces. Seulgi clicked back to check on her other messages, she scrolled down a bit.

Her thumb stops scrolling when her eyes catch the name of someone dear to her.

Bae Joohyun

It was simply that, no nicknames or emojis, because it was a 'secret conversation'.

Seulgi sighs.

It's been 1 month already, Seulgi.

The tears gather around Seulgi's eyes, after deciding for a while, she looks up.

She stares at the ceiling for a few minutes, after that, she allows herself to go back to that moment.

Seulgi and Joohyun sat on a bench in front of a large field in their university. Seulgi kept on reading on her phone, trying to memorize her notes for their exam later on.

"Seulgi, when we graduate, what do you plan to do first?" Joohyun suddenly asked. Seulgi kept her eyes on her phone.

"I don't know. Maybe be a burden to my parents?" Seulgi jokingly said as Joohyun nudged her shoulders.

"But what do you plan, really?"

"It may seem that I'm joking about that, but I really don't know. Maybe go to graduate school? Which by the way is technically a burden to them because they will pay for it. But they are really pushing for it so I'll just follow them. But what I'm sure about is my plan to spend more time with you. Thesis ." Seulgi dejectedly said. "What about you?"

"After spending a lot of time with you," Joohyun placed her right hand on Seulgi's left leg, "I want to work in the entertainment industry. I'm not sure what it'll be, but I'm fine with whatever. I can try to write scripts and if I'm lucky, even be a star."

"Well, you are the ambitious one in this relationship." Seulgi said, and Joohyun slapped Seulgi's leg. "No, I mean it in the good way. With you, just...being you, it makes me want to be a better person." Seulgi said as she chuckled.

"I hope we can come out..." Joohyun said, "because you, being you, makes me want to love you...more openly."

Seulgi places her arm around Joohyun and pulls her closer, "We will, okay? Don't worry, when we're a bit more settled financially, just in case bad stuff happens with our parents, you know." Seulgi pats Joohyun's shoulder, trying to comfort the girl.

After their class, Seulgi walks Joohyun to her bike. Seulgi hands Joohyun her bag and looks at her bicycle.

"You know how they say that your first salary should be spent on your parents? I'll make sure to spend my second salary to buy you a new bicycle. That's too old and it already looks crooked."

Joohyun rolled her eyes, "Well, I'll make sure that you spend it wisely then."

"Anything spent on you is wise." Joohyun's face scrunched up with what Seulgi said.

"Stop, that's way too cheesy. Anyway, we're almost graduating already, no need to buy me a bicycle I won't be using for work." Joohyun said as she sat on the bicycle seat.

"It's the thought that counts, babe." Joohyun glared at Seulgi and started pedalling. Joohyun looked behind her and waved goodbye to Seulgi, Seulgi waved sadly at Joohyun, not being able to do more instead of a wave.

One day, we'll do it like other couples, I promise.

Later that night, Seulgi laid on her bed and opened her phone. She opened her secret conversation with Joohyun, they couldn't use a normal chat because Joohyun was way too close with her parents that they openly read Joohyun's messages. It made Seulgi sad that they couldn't put in sweet nicknames in the chat, but it'll do.

To: Bae Joohyun

Babe

hellooooo

yo

:(

ʕ •ᴥ•ʔ

couldn't find a sad bear, but combine that lol

wait nvm, the bear looks kinda sad haha

After an hour, there was still no reply from Joohyun. Seulgi wondered why, she tries to think of their assignments for today. They had an assignment but it wasn't that big of a deal. Seulgi thought that maybe, Joohyun's grade is a bit low on the course, so Seulgi tries to be understanding.

To: Bae Joohyun

I'm gonna go to sleep now.

goodluck with the assignments!

ᕦʕ •ᴥ•ʔᕤ

goodnight <3

In the morning, Seulgi stretched around her bed. She took her cellphone and clicked it to check the time, when suddenly she sees a long message of the president in their class.

Seulgi rubbed her eyes and started to celebrate in her mind, a professor probably cancelled their class for today, or they have to attend a seminar.

Groupchat Message:

Guys, Joohyun's sister had a chat with me at around 1 am. Joohyun passed away because of an accident, she said it simply as that, so I decided not to ask further for respect, unless she initiates it. She said that they were trying to revive her that night but they weren't able to. Her sister will send the details to me later for those who'd want to visit her, and I'll relay it to you guys as fast as I can.

Seulgi stiffly sat on her bed.

Every ounce of energy she garnered while sleeping is now gone.

This can't be true, Seulgi tells herself, but what kind of person would pull off a prank like this?

Seulgi sighs as the tears build-up in her eyes, she stands up and gets ready to shower.

I still have a class...

Seulgi arrived in the room with her classmates quiet, she sat on her chair, when her seatmate, Yeri, poked her shoulders.

"Are you going later?" Yeri asked, Seulgi nodded.

"I can't believe she's...gone. Just yesterday, we were all laughing. Life really is short." Yeri sighed.

"Me too, Yeri. I can't believe it too."

And I don't want to believe it.

After their class, Seulgi went with Yeri to the funeral. They bowed down to Joohyun's parents and silently sat at the back. Yeri was looking in front, at the casket. While Seulgi is looking around the place, avoiding where Joohyun is. Seulgi spent the whole time trying to not cry because, nobody knows what we once were. 

Seulgi felt someone pat her strongly on her shoulders, she looked behind her to see Joohyun's cousin, Jaejoon.

He gave Seulgi a small nod, and walked away.

After that, Seulgi just found it more hard to stop the tears from falling down. Seulgi never thought that someone would comfort her, because almost everything was hidden between her and Joohyun. She quickly opened her water bottle to chug down the remaining liquid, I will not cry here.

Seulgi feels that her tears are starting to slowly glide down her eyes, with that, she immediately excuses herself from Yeri, telling her that her parents are already outside to pick her up. She walks outside the building and wanders around it's vicinity.

Seulgi tries to calm herself by breathing deeply. As she wandered, in the corner of her eyes, she saw a figure. She looked beside her to discover that it's Joohyun's cousin. At first, both stayed quiet, with Joohyun's cousin following Seulgi.

"I know...you and her." Jaejoon said. Seulgi nodded, she couldn't speak, because the moment that she starts speaking, she'll break down.

"Is there anything...that I can do?" Seulgi shaked her head, no. Jaejoon nodded and was going to pat Seulgi again, but  this time, Seulgi avoided him.

"Sorry... You can come to the burial, if you want." Seulgi nods and walks away. She finds it touching that someone is trying to comfort her, but if she would accept that comfort, it means that she accepts reality, and Seulgi doesn't want that. Seulgi wants to think that Joohyun is still there, well and alive, where they will help complete the goals and dreams of each other.

Seulgi mutters to herself, "Forgive me if I still haven't cried for you. I'm just not ready to accept it, and I'm afraid to accept the reality in front of me. I'm sorry."

After that day, Seulgi didn't visit Joohyun, even on the day of the burial.

And even in her mind, she tries to stop the memories from visiting her.

Seulgi sat in front of her desk with her eyes looking up above. The sudden hit of sadness, no warnings, no signs, nothing. Seulgi silently sat there, she became one with her surroundings. The silent hum of the aircon is as hidden as her quiet cries of wanting comfort.

Joohyun's not here anymore.

Joohyun is not here anymore.

Joohyun is not here.

Joohyun is gone.

Seulgi locks her door.

Slowly, Seulgi starts breaking down, and finally, she allows herself to be free from the burden that she's been carrying.

Joohyun is gone.

End-