our best years, now

Hyukjae’s never really been one to celebrate birthdays. It’s not that he holds some kind of visceral dislike for everything that they represent, or that he has bad memories associated to them—he just… doesn’t really care, is all. It’s a bit odd, he knows—maybe even a little shocking for some—but he’s never quite understood the loud, cheerful zeal that usually surrounds birthdays. Even when it comes to his own. For him it’s just another day lost among thousands of others, just another year in one’s life. Why should he feel so happy to draw closer to his own death anyway? It’s not quite something that should warrant that much excitement in his opinion.

In addition, while Hyukjae enjoys birthday cakes as much as the next person, receiving presents has always been a bit of an awkward thing for him. It leaves him wrong-footed every single time, unsure what to say, or how to respond. His family didn’t have much money, growing up, and he always felt a bit guilty when his parents went out of their ways to buy him expensive gifts. Now he’s a lot older—and richer—but this uneasy feeling still sticks with him like an unshakable habit.

It’s a bit of a hassle anyway, isn’t it, to have to remember people’s birthdays every single year without a fault. And then you have to offer presents to them. It’s a lot nicer to be giving rather than receiving, that’s for sure, but having to find new, original ideas each time tends to become a bit bothersome. Hyukjae makes sure to remember his family’s and his best-friend-slash-co-worker Kyuhyun’s, but even they know not to expect too much from him, besides maybe a text and a birthday card. For other people he’s never really bothered.

Even today, as he officially turns thirty-three, Hyukjae only regards his own birthday with mild indifference. He probably would’ve forgotten entirely if he hadn’t received a handful of congratulatory texts upon waking up. Yawning in disinterest, he deletes the notifications and then goes on with his morning routine as usual. He doesn’t forget to call his mom soon after taking a shower of course, thanking her warmly for giving birth to him and for raising him to be the man that he’s proud to be today. After that he eats a bowl of instant seaweed soup for breakfast, just for tradition’s sake; and that’s about the total amount of efforts that he’s willing to spend on his birthday.

Then Hyukjae’s off to work. Most of his co-workers don’t know that today’s his birthday, so when he reaches the office, they only greet him with mild, distracted hello’s and how are you’s. He greets them back as he heads to his desk without fuss or excessive excitement for the day to come.

By midday, Hyukjae’s all but forgotten about his birthday. He’s too caught up in his projects and in meetings to pay attention to the texts that he receives from every now and then. Then it’s lunchtime, and Kyuhyun saunters up to him with a mischievous smirk.

“Happy birthday, old man!” he exclaims loudly across the bullpen; some people turn their heads towards them in curiosity. From the smug look on his face, Hyukjae suspects that Kyuhyun did it on purpose. He knows fully well that Hyukjae doesn’t particularly enjoy being the subject of endless birthday niceties. “How’s your day so far, old bean?”

Hyukjae rolls his eyes, shrugging. “Just normal, I guess,” he says as they head to the cafeteria together.

“Don’t be so boring, old bag,” Kyuhyun tuts disapprovingly. “I’m taking you out tonight to celebrate.”

“No, you’re not,” Hyukjae scoffs and levels an exasperated look at his best friend. “And stop calling me old already.”

“Yes, I am. No negotiation allowed,” Kyuhyun retorts. Then he adds with a snicker, “old bat.”

Then he pushes Hyukjae into the elevator, and they bicker all the way down to the cafeteria. Soon enough, Hyukjae forgets once again about his birthday.

*

Hyukjae stifles a yawn as Kyuhyun continues to talk his ear off about whatever it is that he wants to do for his birthday tonight. There’s really no use in telling him that he’s not interested; Kyuhyun swears that he’ll ‘personally drag his through the streets if it’s what it takes to get you to your own damn party’. He’s been going on about it for the best part of the afternoon now; Hyukjae stopped protesting when he realized that Kyuhyun wasn’t even listening to him.

After clocking out, the two friends opted to stop by one of the many coffee shops near their building instead of going straight home and getting ready for tonight, even if Hyukjae still isn’t quite thrilled about the idea. The shop that they pick is already crowded with patrons and office workers. They’ll probably have to way for a good fifteen minutes before it’s finally their turn to order. Kyuhyun doesn’t mind; he’s determined to make use of that time to convince him to go to a club. Which is totally out of the question, Hyukjae retorts sharply, thanks ever so much.

As they start bickering again, Hyukjae distractedly moves forward along with the queue. He accidentally bumps into the man waiting in line in front of him.

“Oh, sorry,” he says, stepping back apologetically.

“No worries,” the man says as he turns around, and then—“wait, is this—Hyukjae?” he exclaims in surprise. “Is it really you? Hyukjae?”

Hyukjae looks up, equally surprised, and—oh. It’s—, but this is—Donghae. Lee Donghae, from university. Damn, it, he thinks a little dizzily—it’s like a flood of faded memories from the past slamming into him.

But that wouldn’t be right, would it? Because Hyukjae never really forgot. It’s almost as if he was back on campus, all of these years ago, fighting through revisions and exams, hanging out with friends—with Donghae.

For the first time since the beginning of the day, Hyukjae can feel the aftermath of time stretching by. It’s been, what, almost half a dozen years since they last saw each other? Maybe even more than. That was when they’d graduated and gone straight into their first jobs, fresh from university. Hyukjae went to work for a big financial group in Seoul, while Donghae moved to Paris after being hired by a famous multinational company.

They couldn’t have been more than twenty-five at the time. Now they’re both well into their thirties and, , but it feels a bit odd to be brought back so suddenly to memories of their youth.

Donghae looks older and exactly the same all at once. It’s strangely easy to pick out the differences between what he used to look like as a boy and this mature, handsome-looking man. His eyes are still as beautiful as Hyukjae remembers them—soft, warm, full of a depth that drives people to drown into them. Then there’s his smile, all playful and mischievous, but also a little shy. And the way that he holds himself, with an odd combination of confidence and awkwardness that makes the corners of Hyukjae’s mouth tick up in nostalgia.

Some hints show that Donghae’s aged, too. He shows off a roguish haircut that makes him look young and grown-up all at the same time. He wears a fancy, neat-looking suit that highlights his attractive build. His body looks so much stronger as well, full of a mute sort of strength in his shoulders and arms. It makes Hyukjae want to feel it properly with his hands. The thought makes him feel warm all over and he gulps discreetly.

He’s always had a bit of a crush on Donghae—and he suspects that it was entirely mutual, too. They used to flirt all the time back them, from the moment that they first met and all the way through their five years of university. It started with shy, secret little looks and stolen looks; later it was compliments; and then it was daring touches of hands against hands, knees against knees, thighs against thighs. Not only that, but they also understood each other in a way that very few other people did. There just used to be something between them, building and building. They’d laugh and bicker and hang out together all the time, as if they couldn’t quite help but stay close to each other.

And yet neither of them ever acted on this huge mass of attraction that gave rhythm to so much of their friendship. It wasn’t for lack of bravery, or because of obliviousness. It was just that they were too career-oriented to risk falling in love so young. Donghae had always planned to move abroad for his first job, maybe even permanently, and Hyukjae would never have wanted to spare the time or efforts for a romantic relationship when he was so determined to succeed.

Hyukjae doesn’t think that either of them regrets making this choice. But now that they’re older and wiser—that they have the careers that they always wanted, that they’re standing right in front of each other years later—all of these reasons seem immaterial.

“It’s really you, Hyukjae, isn’t it?” Donghae says again. A wide smile blooms across his face, and Hyukjae’s thrown back to all of the group projects that they worked on together, when Donghae used to smile to him exactly like this. “, it’s been so long! How’ve you been?”

Flushed, Hyukjae returns his smile. “Yeah, hi,” he laughs. Somewhere from the corners of the eyes, he sees Kyuhyun glancing between them in obvious interest.

“, it’s been so long!” Donghae laughs in wonder. “How’ve you been?”

“I’ve been great,” he replies. Then like a knee-jerk reaction from the past, he chides sternly, “don’t swear.”

Donghae laughs again, louder this time. He reaches out to and warmly squeezes Hyukjae’s arm. “You haven’t changed, have you?” he says with a fond voice. “Always telling me off for swearing.”

“Well someone has to,” Hyukjae retorts playfully. “I didn’t know you were back in Seoul; got tired of France, then?”

“I just came back last month,” Donghae shrugs. They step along with the queue when it finally moves forward a bit, and Hyukjae barely registers Kyuhyun following them. “France was great,” Donghae continues, “but I guess I just missed home, you know?”

Hyukjae nods in understanding. Donghae had always been very close to his family; it’d been one of his main worries, being so far from his mom and his brother, when they talked about his desire to work abroad.

“I’m glad to see you back. You look good.” A short pause goes by as Hyukjae realizes what he just said. Next to him, Kyuhyun rolls his eyes. “I mean, um,” he clears his throat. “You look like you’re doing well. You know.”

“Thanks.” Donghae gives him a crooked grin, then looks him up appreciatively from head to toe. “You don’t look too bad yourself.”

Hyukjae laughs; yes, nothing seemed to have changed indeed. That’s just like Donghae, flirting with that bold, daring demeanor of his. It’s something that Hyukjae’s always liked about him. For a brief second he wonders how it’d feel like if they kissed.

“Right, so,” Kyuhyun clears his throat suddenly; Hyukjae and Donghae startle, abruptly dragged out of the tiny bubble that seems to have formed around them. “Obviously Hyukjae is too busy flirting to introduce us properly, but hi,” he sticks his hand out and shares a firm handshake with Donghae, “I’m Kyuhyun, his best friend and co-worker. Also his birthday party organizer extraordinaire.” He grins widely. “Which you’re now officially invited to.”

Donghae blinks in surprise, before his face clears in remembrance. “Oh yeah! Today’s April 4, right?”

“Yeah,” Hyukjae bites down on his lower lip. October 15, he remembers instinctively, and it makes him pause in surprise. He didn’t think that he’d still remember Donghae’s birthday after all these years, when he can’t even remember his own on the very day.

Blushing slightly, he says, “I mean, it’s—nothing, really. You don’t have to come or anything.”

“What are you saying?” Donghae grins. “It’s your birthday; of course I’ll be there!”