How Do I Breathe
How Do I Breathe“It’s Hanahaki Disease.”
The doctor’s verdict was hardly a surprise for Wonshik, especially since Hakyeon commented about the rose scent when he never used anything rose-scented.
“Good thing that it’s still in the very early stage. I reckon that you haven’t even started coughing out petals? Although you did mention about slight difficulty in breathing,” explained the doctor further.
“Yes, there’s some discomfort even when I breath normally, and a friend told me about the floral scent although I never use anything floral,” confirmed Wonshik. The doctor nods and then leaned a bit more forward, seriousness painted all over her face.
“Now. Like we know about Hanahaki Disease, the options are—”
“I want the surgery. Please remove it from my lungs.”
The straightforward answer made the doctor stared at him like he was completely out of his mind.
“You do understand about the risks of getting the Bloom removed, don’t you?” asked the doctor seriously.
“I am aware that the Bloom removal can cause me to… forget the feelings I have towards the person who caused this,” replied Wonshik, gripping the front part of his shirt firmly, “But I think… I think that it’s a good thing. No more distraction, and no more uncertainty.”
The doctor sighed as she leaned back. “Very well,” she said, “But I’ll still explain the whole procedure and everything else to you, and I’ll give you time to reconsider as we put your operation on schedule.”
Wonshik smiled and thanked her politely.
A week passed and Wonshik was getting prepared for his surgery. He had cleared his schedule, saying that he wanted to have a solo vacation since he didn’t want anyone to know about what he had.
“I coughed out my first petal this morning,” said Wonshik when he was asked about his most recent condition. He handed out a small zip bag with a lone red rose petal in it. The doctor took it and gave a quick observation before setting it aside.
“The red color seems to be its original color and not because it’s soaked in your blood, so it’s still a good news. Rose Bloom should be easy enough to remove. And I can say that you’re making an excellent decision to remove it, as a Rose Bloom will be really fatal on later stages. It can grow out thorns in some cases,” explained the doctor.
“Still, I need you to confirm it once again. Are you really, really sure about getting this procedure?” she asked seriously.
“As sure as the sun rising from the east every morning,” replied Wonshik firmly.
“Okay. Then I’ll just need you to sign some stuffs, and we’ll remove your Bloom,” said the doctor. Wonshik nodded, giving her a small smile.
It will be okay, Wonshik told himself. It will be okay. This is for the best.
The surgery was successful, and the rehabilitation went nicely as well. The doctor told him that it’s because he was still at the very early stage. She showed him the removed Bloom, barely even blooming at all, and he knew that he didn’t regret the decision he made.
Or at least, that’s what his current self thought.
Wonshik didn’t really feel any different from before he got the surgery. Aside from his surgery scar, he didn’t feel any discomfort. The compulsory tests he had to go through with the psychiatrist also showed him good results. After making some appointments for regular checkups, he was released from the hospital.
For the first few days, Wonshik stayed at his parents’ house, taking the proper rest he knew he needed. His parents also didn’t suspect a thing, just thinking that him staying there as his usual resting days, especially when they found him still racking his brain for yet more music to produce even when he was lying on his bed with a phone in hand.
He returned to his studio after he felt that he had rested enough, and returned straight to work like always. Even when his schedule called him to return to dorm, to interact with the rest of his bandmates, nothing seemed to change at all. Everything seemed normal, like he had never had a Hanahaki Disease at all.
Everything was well.
Except that it’s not.
“Wonshik, I want to talk a bit,” called Hakyeon when they were given a short break during their dance practice.
“Sure, Hyung. What is it?” asked Wonshik as he opened a bottle of mineral water.
“Privately,” added Hakyeon as he cocked his head towards the practice room’s door. Wonshik frowned and was about to ask just what kind of thing Hakyeon wanted to talk about that he couldn’t do it in front of others, but Hakyeon already stepped outside, leaving no choice to Wonshik but to follow.
He closed the door as soon as he stepped out, and he was faced with Hakyeon folding his arms with serious expression.
“Are you and Taekwoonie having a fight or something? You seems to avoid him somehow,” asked Hakyeon directly. Wonshik frowned at the question. Was he avoiding Taekwoon? He felt that he was giving the usual amount of attention towards the elder, and not exactly avoiding him or anything. Sure, there were a few times when he simply shied away from Taekwoon’s touches, but that’s mainly because he had been touching him a lot and Wonshik had started to feel uncomfortable about it.
“Well, at least from my side, I’m not having any fight or arguments or sorts with him. And I don’t think that I’ve been avoiding him?” replied Wonshik. Hakyeon was still staring piercingly at him, clearly not buying Wonshik’s words.
“You sure? Since you’re no longer giving him those tiny glances and pokes and—Well, you know what? Forget I said those. Just… You can always trust me if you want to talk about whatever is happening between you and Taekwoon,” said Hakyeon. Wonshik’s frown only got deeper.
“Nothing, Hyung. Taekwoon-hyung and I are okay. Hell, there’s nothing happening between us, okay? Chill,” said Wonshik. Hakyeon squinted his eyes at that, but said nothing more.
“Okay. But still, remember that you can talk to me anytime,” reminded Hakyeon. Wonshik only gave him a small nod, and Hakyeon nodded back at him before ushering him back into the practice room.
Sanghyuk had started his solo dance practice when both of them entered, so Wonshik quickly took a seat at the side of the room where he could watch the youngest more freely since he knew that Sanghyuk would probably ask for his advice afterwards. As he gave a quick scan of the room to find where the others were, he caught Taekwoon staring at him. But the second Taekwoon realized that he was staring back, the older tore his sight away and moved to where Hakyeon sat. Wonshik frowned at that, but he simply shook his head and ignored it, focusing instead to Hyuk.
He didn’t notice how Hakyeon whispered something to Taekwoon, and how Taekwoon stared at him with something that looked like a mixture of hurt and longing.
“Hey, are you and Taekwoon-hyung having a fight or something?” asked Sanghyuk casually when he and Wonshik went out for some coffee after a producing session.
“Not you too…” sighed Wonshik.
“Oh, who else said that to you? N-hyung?” asked Sanghyuk. Wonshik rolled his eyes in reply, and Sanghyuk leaned closer to him. “Hyung, when you two are fighting, it affects the whole team. Please resolve it quickly,” added Sanghyuk.
“I’m not having a fight with him,” replied Wonshik firmly.
“Really? Because you seems to be avoiding him. You know, you often just randomly touch him and stuffs, but nowadays it’s all gone,” said Sanghyuk. Wonshik frowned at the statement.
“N-hyung said something along that line too, but I don’t think I’ve been avoiding him? And I’m giving him the usual amount of attention, I think…” replied Wonshik. Sanghyuk sighed, and he sipped on his coffee.
“I know that I’m the youngest among us all, so probably I shouldn’t be saying this, but… If you have a problem and you can’t talk about it to anyone else, even to N-hyung, I’m here to hear you out,” said Sanghyuk seriously. Wonshik chuckled and shook his head.
“Seriously, Hyogi, there’s nothing wrong. But thanks for the offer,” said Wonshik. Sanghyuk just shrugged and continued to sip his coffee.
Wonshik had almost forgotten about Hakyeon and Sanghyuk’s question about whether or not he’s having a fight with Taekwoon when both Hongbin and Jaehwan cornered him with the same question after their recording session.
“I’m not having a fight with Taekwooon-hyung,” said Wonshik firmly.
“Wow, you’re getting better at lying,” quipped Hongbin, which resulted in Wonshik’s glare.
“Seriously, what did he do? Did he ate your fruits or meats and didn’t admit or apologize about it? Did he stole your chicken coupons like he did with N-hyung?” asked Jaehwan.
“Nothing!” said Wonshik exasperatedly, “And we’re not having a fight! Well, at least not from my side! If he has a problem with me, he should just say it directly to my face, not… Wait, did he send you all to corner me like this? Is it why you guys are asking if I’m having a fight with him?”
“Whoa, hold it right there. Taekwoon-hyung doesn’t send us or anything, I swear. But it’s just… You seems to avoid him, you know? No little touches and all those jazz,” said Jaehwan quickly, stopping Wonshik from accusing Taekwoon about anything. Wonshik narrowed his eyes at him.
“Little touches and all those jazz, like what?” he asked suspiciously.
“Lying again,” commented Hongbin with a little click of his tongue. “It’s clear that you’re obsessed with his and you’ve been touching Taekwoon-hyung’s more often than it’s proper for the past years. But since a couple months ago, you just suddenly stopped doing it? And you just suddenly cling more to Jaehwan-hyung like some heartless guy who had just ditched his lifelong partner and start over with a new one without even saying a proper goodbye,” rambled Hongbin.
Wonshik had actually choked at his remark about him being obsessed with Taekwoon’s . He knew that he had some sort of unhealthy obsession towards , but Taekwoon’s ? He couldn’t remember about it. Well, not clearly.
“I’m not—” Wonshik wanted to deny all the notions, but he thought that it’s better if he talked it out with Taekwoon directly. Everyone though that he’s having a problem with Taekwoon, right? If he sort it out with Taekwoon, the others would probably shut up eventually. “Fine, I’ll talk to Taekwoon-hyung. Sort everything out. Happy?” he asked instead.
“Good,” said Hongbin with a nod, and Jaehwan nodded along as well.
“He looks somewhat miserable without your erted hands,” said Jaehwan. That earned him a slap on the head from both Wonshik and Hongbin.
Planning to talk to Taekwoon was easier to say than to do. The second eldest always looked tired whenever they’re having a break or after they went back from practice, and Wonshik didn’t want to tire him more so he thought ‘next time’ every time he wanted to talk.
But one time when they went back from practice, Wonshik noticed that Taekwoon looked somewhat paler than usual. So although he wanted to let his hyung rest a bit, he actually slipped into his room with worry in his heart.
“Hyung,” called Wonshik softly as he took a look at Taekwoon’s bedroom. It was still messy as always, boxes strewn all over his floor with only enough room to walk from his door to his bed and his bed to his work desk.
Taekwoon himself was already lying down on his bed, looking more exhausted than usual. He only turned his head a bit towards Wonshik, and scooted away a bit to give Wonshik some room to sit at his bed when the younger walked towards him.
“Anything you need?” asked Taekwoon, his soft voice sounded even softer than usual. Wonshik shook his head as he sat down on the bed, looking at Taekwoon in worry.
“Just… You look unwell,” said Wonshik truthfully. “I’m worried. I guess.”
Taekwoon smiled a little at him, and sure he looked really tired.
“I’m fine. Go get some rest. I want to rest too,” said Taekwoon. Wonshik nodded at that, and he stood up after giving a light pat on Taekwoon’s knee. But as soon as he turned away, he heard Taekwoon coughing violently, so he quickly turned back even more worried than before. Taekwoon was sitting up on his bed, bowing down as he held a hand to his mouth.
“Hyung, you okay? Do I need to call N-hyung?” asked Wonshik as he climbed to bed, lightly rubbing Taekwoon’s back in hope to soothe his cough. Taekwoon shook his head violently while still coughing and wheezing.
“No, I’m fine—” Taekwoon’s words were cut off with another wave of cough, strong enough that it sounded like he was trying to cough his lungs out.
“You’re clearly not fine! I’ll call—”
Wonshik stilled when he smelled a certain scent in the air around Taekwoon.
A floral scent.
And from between Taekwoon’s fingers, a bright red petal fluttered down.
No.
Not him too.
“Hyung, are you—”
“Don’t tell others,” wheezed Taekwoon as he glared at Wonshik. The hand that was previously covering his mouth was then filled with bright red petals. Wonshik wished that the reds weren’t from Taekwoon’s blood.
“You need to go to the hospital,” said Wonshik firmly.
“No,” refused Taekwoon straight away.
“This can endanger your life! At this rate, you can—”
“Die. I know,” cut Taekwoon humorlessly.
“Hyung, this is serious,” warned Wonshik sternly. “Let’s go to the hospital. I won’t tell others, but please go to hospital. I’ll go with you if it makes you feel better about it.”
Taekwoon still looked resolved on not going to hospital, and Wonshik sighed at that. Slowly, softly, he clasped his hand on Taekwoon’s, on the one filled with petals, and said softly, “Please. Hyung, please. I… I know someone who has—had this illness. Please go to the hospital, even if it’s just to check on how much has it grown. Please, Hyung.”
Taekwoon’s expression seemed to soften at Wonshik’s words. When Wonshik looked up to him again, Taekwoon nodded slowly, making Wonshik smiled at him.
“Let’s go tomorrow morning then? I’ll notify the others. For now, please rest, okay?” asked Wonshik. Taekwoon nodded again, and Wonshik gave him a reassuring grip before turning away again.
Wonshik told the others and their managers that Taekwoon wasn’t feeling fine, and that he’s going to accompany him to the hospital for a general checkup. Their managers quickly offered to go as well, but Wonshik explained that Taekwoon had specify that only Wonshik could go with him or he wouldn’t get any checkup at all. Without any question, they all just nodded and let the two of them had a day off. Hakyeon and Jaehwan were about to take a look on Taekwoon’s condition too, but Wonshik simply held their shoulders and shook his head, and they both understood.
As Wonshik retreated to his room for the night along with Sanghyuk and Jaehwan, Sanghyuk asked him, “So you and Taekwoon-hyung has stopped fighting then?”
“I told you, Hyogi, we’re not even fighting in the first place,” replied Wonshik. Sanghyuk just shrugged as he went to his own bed.
“Whatever. Good to see that you two are in good terms again,” said Sanghyuk. Wonshik only rolled his eyes as he slipped into his own bed as well.
“Looking from the symptoms alone, it’s clear that this is Hanahaki Disease,” said the doctor as she looked at the patient card in her hand. “Now what I need to know is, since when has you been experiencing this?” she asked.
“Around… A month or two, I guess?” replied Taekwoon. She nodded and noted it down.
“How much petals did you cough out recently?” she asked again. Taekwoon looked down at his lap, like trying to calculate but nothing came up.
“He coughed out around a handful this morning,” said Wonshik in Taekwoon’s place. He pulled out a zip bag from his pocket and handed it to the doctor, “These are some of them. I think you probably need it.”
“Good. I do need these,” said the doctor as she accepted the zip bag, putting on a glove before opening it and picked out one of the petals to study it.
“Looks like the red color is not from your blood, thankfully. But this is a Rose Bloom. My advice is to get a surgery—”
“I don’t want a surgery,” cut Taekwoon quickly, making both the doctor and Wonshik to stare at him with wide eyes.
“Hyung, this is a Rose Bloom. It’s dangerous! You should get it removed as soon as possible!” said Wonshik.
“And let myself forget? Let myself lose something important to me? Not a chance. I don’t want any surgery,” hissed Taekwoon.
The doctor cleared and both men’s attention were back to her. “Taekwoon-ssi, I understand your concern about the memory loss, but your friend has a point. Rose Bloom is a dangerous type of Bloom, and it’s very advised to be removed as soon as possible,” she said softly and calmly. “As a doctor, I have no right to operate on you if you don’t allow it. But, at the very least, please let me inform you further about this illness and the options we have.”
Both Taekwoon and Wonshik were mostly silent while she explained everything to Taekwoon, and asked him to take some tests to determine how advanced his illness had become. It took Taekwoon the whole day, and Wonshik was staying with him through everything, even until Taekwoon reaffirm his decision to not having any operation.
“If it’s okay with you, may I put you for a checkup in 3 days? Even if you refuse to have it removed, I think it’s still best to monitor its growth,” asked the doctor. Wonshik thought that she’s really calm and composed, but that’s probably what made her got the position as Hanahaki Disease Specialist after all.
“Okay… I’ll talk to my manager about it,” replied Taekwoon. The doctor smiled sweetly at him, and confirmed again on the date and time of their appointment.
“This is just a random fact I learned since I have to identify so many types of Bloom, but… Your Bloom, red rose, its flower language means ‘passionate love’. If only this flower isn’t growing in your lungs, I’d say that it’s a very beautiful flower,” said the doctor as she wrapped up their meeting.
“Have you met anyone with red rose Bloom too?” asked Taekwoon curiously. But then he realized what he had just said, and quickly added, “Sorry, I shouldn’t have asked. Doctor-patient confidentiality, right?”
She chuckled and shook her head. “Only that much is okay, I guess. Patients who have Rose Bloom, I have plenty of them. But so far, for the red one, I only have you and another one,” she replied with a gentle smile. Wonshik was chewing the inside of his cheeks, knowing that the ‘another one’ she talked about was him. “Too bad that’s all I can tell you about my patients. Have a good day, Taekwoon-ssi, and have plenty of rest.”
Both Taekwoon and Wonshik bowed to her, saying their goodbyes. “See you in 3 days, Taekwoon-ssi. See you again too, Wonshik-ssi,” she said before they left.
“Hm. She thought you’ll be accompanying me here again,” commented Taekwoon as they walked away. Wonshik chuckled nervously, a bit worried that it would be enough to make Taekwoon suspicious that he had, or used to have, Hanahaki Disease as well.
“You don’t want me to?” asked Wonshik. Taekwoon glanced at him before shrugging.
“I’ll be thankful if you want to accompany me again,” replied Taekwoon.
“Then it’s settled,” said Wonshik.
They really went back to the hospital in 3 days; not because Taekwoon remembered about the appointment, but because he collapsed after a series of violent coughs as he got ready for the day. Wonshik found him already unconscious, curling in front of his opened closet with shirt still ed and red petals surrounding him.
Wonshik was shaking badly as he called the hospital, asking for how to stabilize Taekwoon so he could bring him there without any ambulance involved. Whoever answered his call was very calm, giving him easy step-by-step instruction about how to force Taekwoon to cough out the rest of the petals blocking his airway, and then helped him to sit up so he could breathe and regain some consciousness.
He helped Taekwoon to finish dressing up, and then cleaning up the scattered petals as he called a taxi. The others and their managers were at the dance studio, and Wonshik didn’t know whether to feel thankful or not over the fact that he was completely alone with Taekwoon in that condition.
“Hyung, can you stand?” asked Wonshik as he kneeled down beside Taekwoon. Taekwoon nodded weakly, and Wonshik stood up first so that Taekwoon could lean on him as he stood and walked out. Wonshik made sure that he had both his own and Taekwoon’s phone and wallet in his bag before helping Taekwoon to put on his mask and helped him walked all the way to the taxi.
After Wonshik told the driver where to go, he finally realized that he had been holding Taekwoon’s hand the whole time. He let go of his hold, trying to pull his hand away since he thought it could be uncomfortable for Taekwoon, but the elder squeezed his hand instead.
“Don’t let go,” he whispered, so very softly until Wonshik thought that he probably wouldn’t be able to hear it if Taekwoon wasn’t currently resting his head on Wonshik’s shoulder. “Please. Hold my hand. Don’t let go.”
Wonshik gave him a firm, reassuring squeeze, and a whispered promise, “I won’t.”
The doctor pulled Wonshik outside Taekwoon’s room, concern written all over her face. Wonshik didn’t like the expression she wore, and the way she requested him to talk without Taekwoon’s presence.
“Wonshik-ssi. I know that before, you asked me to stay quiet about how you used to have the illness. But at this rate, I think you should tell Taekwoon-ssi about your condition. Please convince him to have the surgery, just like you did,” asked the doctor with a pleading face.
“Doctor Ok, I… I don’t know. Hyung seems to be really firm about not wanting the surgery,” replied Wonshik nervously. She sighed, looking really troubled. With the nature of the illness, she had witnessed countless people choosing to keep their feelings with their life as the price. It was never easy to have yet another patient choosing that path again.
“Please, try. I know you’ve probably forgotten about who exactly made you had Hanahaki Disease, and why you could choose to have the surgery so easily, but please tell him what you went through. I don’t know how else to convince him to have the surgery, and it’s always… It’s always hard to see such young people to choose death like this,” she pleaded.
Wonshik sighed, feeling really reluctant to let Taekwoon know about his condition, but also realizing that him sharing his experience could help Taekwoon somehow.
“I’ll… I’ll try,” he said quietly. She smiled thankfully at him.
Taekwoon was awake when Wonshik returned after having a lunch at the hospital’s cafeteria. He had informed Hakyeon about Taekwoon being hospitalized, but he didn’t tell him the actual reason. He just made up something about Taekwoon being fatigued and stressed, and that he had personally requested not to be disturbed by anyone.
So for the time being, it really was just Wonshik and Taekwoon alone, until his lies were found out and people started coming to visit Taekwoon.
“Can we talk? Are you fit enough to have a conversation with me?” asked Wonshik. Taekwoon blinked twice and then nodded slowly, and Wonshik took it as a yes. Although the room where Taekwoon was admitted to didn’t hold any other patients, Wonshik still closed the curtain around the bed before walking closer towards Taekwoon.
“There is… something that I hide from everyone. Something that only myself and some people in this hospital know,” said Wonshik slowly, carefully, as he observed Taekwoon’s expression. The elder looked curious, but stayed silent so that Wonshik could talk freely.
After a deep sigh, Wonshik pulled his shirt up. Taekwoon widened his eyes in surprise, sight locked at the fading scar at Wonshik’s chest.
“I had a surgery to remove the Bloom from my lungs a couple months ago. I… had Hanahaki Disease,” explained Wonshik as he pulled his shirt back down. Taekwoon looked up to Wonshik’s eyes, still surprised, if not more.
“I can’t remember anymore who caused it, but… I know that me from before the surgery had decided that it’s better to forget than to die young,” said Wonshik, feeling a bit bitter.
“Please, Hyung. Take the surgery. If the person you love ignores you enough until you have to suffer from such illness, they don’t even deserve your love to begin with. Please. It’s better to forget, to start anew, than to suffer over someone who can’t even appreciate you,” said Wonshik firmly.
“You don’t understand…” said Taekwoon softly. “It’s not that easy. I don’t… I don’t want to forget.”
“And lose your life? Throwing aside the chance to find someone who can love you back?” asked Wonshik, his voice raising a bit. Was he angry? Or was he jealous—No, he thought, why would I be jealous? I’m just a little pissed, that’s all.
“Wonshik,” said Taekwoon sternly, eyes filled with so much melancholy it made Wonshik felt a pang in his chest, “I love him enough to prefer dying than living without the memories of loving him.”
It hurts.
It hurts more than he could imagine.
And he didn’t even know why it hurts.
“Hyung, please reconsider,” pleaded Wonshik. But Taekwoon only gave him a weak shake in reply, still stubbornly refuse to listen to whatever Wonshik had said.
Driven by sudden surge of irritation, Wonshik pulled open the curtain and stomped out without even looking back. He was furious. How could Taekwoon choose to die over forgetting someone who made him suffered like that? Taekwoon was right; Wonshik didn’t understand. He himself chose to undergo the surgery, so he surely didn’t understand.
He went out to the garden with quickened steps, eyes stinging with the unshed tears. Once he’s out, his steps slowed down, until he got to a full stop in front of an empty bench. He plopped down there, slumping back as he wheezed for air.
It was probably irrational, but he was really pissed at whoever made Taekwoon suffered like that. He was even more pissed at the fact that Taekwoon still loved that person anyway, even if it costed his very own life.
Stupid Taekwoon, he thought. Stupid Taekwoon and his stupid—
Wonshik’s thought came to a sudden halt as he felt something blocking his throat. He instantly bowled forward, coughing violently to clear out whatever it was as he pressed a hand to his mouth.
When his coughing stopped and he looked at his hand, he found something that wasn’t supposed to be there at all.
It was a red, red petal.
“Certainly, it’s odd,” said Doctor Ok after she checked Wonshik’s test results and heard his explanation. “But it’s not impossible. It’s very rare, but it still can happen. You’re my first patient who have the Hanahaki Disease returning after we remove your Bloom, though.”
Wonshik widened his eyes in surprise. Sure, he had just coughed out a petal, and he had been having Hanahaki Disease before, but he didn’t expect that the illness could return after he had been operated on.
“I thought the operation should have cleared it out?” asked Wonshik.
“It should have, yes. The study about how it can reoccur is still in the progress, though, due to the rarity of it happening. Now, if I may know, what actually happened to you? Can you think of anything that can trigger the illness back?” replied Doctor Ok. Wonshik sighed and rolled his eyes.
“I don’t know. It just happened,” he said in frustration.
“Wonshik-ssi. This illness doesn’t ‘just happened’. There must be a trigger. Even a simple sneeze has a trigger,” she said sternly. Wonshik bit his lips, trying to think a bit harder. Well, he was feeling really pissed about what Taekwoon said to him, but that couldn’t be the trigger, could it? But he couldn’t think of anything else, so he guessed he should just try asking it out.
“I was pissed at Taekwoon-hyung,” said Wonshik.
“About?” coaxed Doctor Ok.
“He… said that he doesn’t want to have a surgery. For his Hanahaki Disease. And I was pissed,” explained Wonshik.
“And why exactly are you pissed?” she tried to coax more. Wonshik bit his lips, frowning deep as he tried to think harder.
“When he said… When he said that, he prefers dying than to forget the one he loves, I just… I feel irritated. I’m angry at how stupid he is, willingly throwing away his life just to remember a person who doesn’t even love him back,” explained Wonshik further. He went silent afterwards, face contorting in hurt and anger.
Then, he quietly added, “I feel… jealous.”
Wonshik covered his face with both of his hands, trying to ignore the throbbing pain in his chest as he remembered the determination in Taekwoon’s eyes, the melancholy and pure affection reflected in them—
—And how it wasn’t intended for him.
“,” he muttered softly.
“You know, Hyung,” said Sanghyuk as he sipped on his coffee, “I used to think that you have some sort of crush on Taekwoon-hyung or something. But I don’t know. I can be wrong. But I’m probably right.”
Wonshik scoffed and rolled his eyes, “What crush? Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Yeah right, whatever,” giggled Sanghyuk. “Denial.”
Wonshik dragged his hands down tiredly as he remembered the exchange between him and Sanghyuk before. He could have forgotten, but his friends still remembers.
And he hated how he had once again allowed himself to fall for someone he knew he could never have.
Wonshik returned to the hospital in the next afternoon, visiting Taekwoon after he made an appointment for his own surgery. Taekwoon didn’t seem pleased to see him, and Wonshik knew that it’s probably because the elder knew that Wonshik was there to convince him to undergo the surgery.
“You may say whatever, but I’m not convinced to get the surgery done,” said Taekwoon before Wonshik even greeted him.
“My Hanahaki Disease returns,” shot Wonshik right away, making Taekwoon widened his eyes at him. “Doctor Ok said it’s possible, although it’s rare.”
Taekwoon blinked rapidly, not exactly knowing what to say anymore.
“I’m getting it removed, again,” continued Wonshik.
“Are you heartless or something?” blurted Taekwoon out before he could even rein his own tongue. He instantly regretted what he said, but Wonshik didn’t give him the chance to apologize.
“I probably am,” replied Wonshik flatly. “But I know that it’s a hopeless case for me. There’s no way I can make him love me back.”
“Won’t you regret it?” asked Taekwoon. “Getting the surgery and forgetting the feelings you have towards this person. Won’t you regret it?”
Wonshik was silent for a while, before he sighed and said, “I don’t know. Maybe. Maybe I can even have that wretched Bloom grows in my lungs for the third time because I probably am that stupid.” He was silent again, and then he added quietly, “Even if I have allowed myself to forget the feelings, they still return to me anyway.”
Taekwoon looked at him with a frown on his face, and Wonshik hated the fact that he had to say it out loud. No, he wasn’t trying to reveal his real feelings, not entirely. But saying even a fraction of it made him felt nervous as hell.
“While I’ve completely forgotten about who caused my first Hanahaki, my friends still remember. They gave me hints that I couldn’t understand. But I still remember who caused the second one… and then it’s not that hard to realize that the first and second cause of my Hanahaki are the same person,” explained Wonshik slowly.
“I’m… I’m getting the surgery. Again. And if I got it for the third, fourth time, I will continue to remove it,” said Wonshik. “I’ll keep on trying to forget so that I can be happy, and that he can be happy as well.”
“I don’t know whether I have to pity you for such cruel cycle, or the person you love for being forgotten again and again,” commented Taekwoon. Wonshik chuckled at that.
“Just worry about yourself, Hyung. And I still suggest that you remove that Bloom as soon as possible,” replied Wonshik. Taekwoon made a face, and Wonshik outright laughed at him.
“Speaking of which… What flower is your bloom? I’m curious,” asked Taekwoon.
“Well, this is where it gets interesting,” said Wonshik as he sat at the edge of Taekwoon’s bed, sitting close to him just like how he usually did when they wanted to chat but Taekwoon was too lazy to get up from his bed. “It’s a rose. Red rose, just like yours,” said Wonshik with a small smile playing at his lips.
“Interesting indeed,” agreed Taekwoon as he diverted his sight down, to the rose tattoo imprinted on Wonshik’s forearm.
“Doctor Ok said that red rose means ‘passionate love’... I wonder if loving someone with your entire being is a crime punishable by death, looking at this wretched illness,” commented Wonshik.
“Maybe if we’re in love with the right person, it doesn’t have to be like this,” replied Taekwoon as he looked up at Wonshik, an indescribable longing reflecting in his eyes.
“Yeah,” agreed Wonshik quietly, “Maybe.”
Silence fell between them, and Wonshik couldn’t help but stare at Taekwoon’s lips. They looked soft, invitingly so, and Wonshik wondered how would they feel against his own.
I’ll end up forgetting it, Wonshik thought, and he will still not be in love with me. There’s nothing to lose.
Wordlessly, Wonshik braced a hand beside Taekwoon’s head and leaned down. Their lips met in a soft, chaste kiss, that ended much too soon for Taekwoon to realize what was happening. But Wonshik didn’t back away too far; their breaths still mingling and noses almost touching as Wonshik stared into Taekwoon’s eyes with unconcealed longing.
“If only you’ve fallen for me the way I’ve fallen for you…” murmured Wonshik softly.
Taekwoon’s eyes widened in surprise, and it was frightening. Wonshik felt completely and utterly defenseless, and he wanted to escape from that tight space as soon as possible.
But Taekwoon didn’t give him the chance to, as the elder hooked his hands behind Wonshik’s neck and pulled him down to meld their lips together. Taekwoon eagerly swallowed the surprised yelp Wonshik voiced out, and felt how the younger relaxed under his touch when he realized what was really happening.
“Stupid Wonshik,” breathed Taekwoon when they finally pulled away. “Idiot. . Why don’t you tell me sooner? You little piece of .”
“I never could imagine that—” Wonshik sighed, trying to compose himself so that he wouldn’t start crying like a total mess he was, “I thought you would never fall for someone like me.”
Taekwoon scoffed at him, kissing him again softly. “. So rather than confessing to me straight away, you made yourself sick, and in turn made me sick, and then made yourself sick all over again?” asked Taekwoon.
“I’m sorry,” said Wonshik quietly. “If I knew that my decision would make you sick like this, I would never—”
Tears started rolling down Wonshik’s cheeks, and Taekwoon raised his hands to wipe those away.
“Let’s have the surgery,” said Taekwoon, making Wonshik stared at him in disbelief. “The Bloom should be wilting now. It has to be removed quickly, right?” he added with a smile.
“Yes. Yes, you’re right. I’ll go find Doctor Ok and tell her right away,” said Wonshik. Taekwoon nodded at that, leaning back to his pillow as Wonshik scooted away from the bed.
“Wonshik,” called Taekwoon just before Wonshik opened the door, “Don’t go too long. I’ve been deprived of your touches for the past 2 months and I’m demanding you to make up for it.”
Wonshik chuckled at that. “Got it, Hyung. I’ll be right back.”
“How do you feel?” asked Doctor Ok.
“Okay, I guess,” replied Wonshik.
His Bloom removal was successful, according to Doctor Ok, and she told him that the wilting Bloom’s size was roughly the same with the one she removed from him the last time.
“How’s Taekwoon-hyung?” he asked after she was done with the overview of his operation. The elder was scheduled to have the operation right after Wonshik’s, so Wonshik wasn’t really expecting to see him just yet.
“His operation went well too. We managed to remove a full bloom and a couple of buds, all wilting already, so he shouldn’t be experiencing any memory loss or anything. And judging from how you asked about him, I suppose you don’t experience it too, do you?” she replied with a smile. Wonshik blushed a little and nodded, still feeling embarrassed about it. When he went to her that day and explained about their whole condition, she had been really amused. Good thing she wasn’t teasing about them too much.
“You’ll have to wait until tomorrow if you want to see him, unfortunately. But I’ll help you to keep updated about his condition,” she said again.
“Thank you, Doctor,” said Wonshik sincerely.
“Thank me later when your boyfriend wakes up without any complications,” she replied teasingly. Wonshik tried to hide his reddening face with his hand as she cackled loudly.
Nobody knew exactly what happened with both Wonshik and Taekwoon, but they all knew that the two of them had become closer than before, and they’re thankful for that. But of course, secrets didn’t stay long with Taekwoon, and it had Hakyeon grounding them both for keeping such a huge secret from everyone and for being a total fool.
“There’s something I’ve wanted to ask you…” said Taekwoon slowly while he and Wonshik were left to wash the dishes as the part of their punishment from Hakyeon.
“What is it?” asked Wonshik as he placed a plate on the drying rack.
“Are we now l-lovers?” squeaked out Taekwoon nervously. Wonshik was staring at him silently, making Taekwoon felt even more nervous than before.
“What do you mean?” asked Wonshik back, and it had Taekwoon deflating. “‘Now’? I thought we’re, what, official since the day you kissed me?” added Wonshik, totally baffled.
It’s Taekwoon’s turn to be silent, staring at Wonshik as his hands stopped scrubbing on the plate he was holding. Then, slowly but surely, his face heated up, dusting his pale skin with rosy pink color.
“A-ah… I see. Okay, I mean, umm…” Taekwoon was at loss of words.
“Are we lovers?” asked Wonshik back, his voice dangerously low “Taekwoon?”
Taekwoon bit his lower lip at the lack of honorific. It did sound intimate. Like lovers.
“Yeah,” Taekwoon breathed out. “Yeah, we’re lovers.”
“What’s the proof?” asked Wonshik teasingly, obviously eyeing Taekwoon’s reddened lips. Taekwoon blushed even deeper than that, but he leaned closer to Wonshik anyway.
“NO ROMANCE IN PUBLIC SPACES!!” shouted Hongbin loudly as he kicked them both on the , stopping them before their lips touched. Both yelped at the sudden intrusion, and Hongbin just shook his head as he took out the vitamin drink from the fridge, squinting at them judgingly.
“Go get a room. No, just go straight away to Wonshik’s soundproof studio, I don’t wanna hear anything indecent here in this house,” added Hongbin as he shuffled away from the kitchen. Wonshik swore he heard him swearing right before he entered his own bedroom.
Wonshik cleared his throat and both of them resumed their positions and tasks, quickly washing the remaining dishes before drying their hands.
“So…” Wonshik started slowly, “Do you want to follow Hongbin’s advice?”
“Let’s go,” agreed Taekwoon almost immediately. Wonshik chuckled at how eager Taekwoon sounded, but Taekwoon pretended that he didn’t notice it.
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