Ten had been drinking for hours.
That day he hadn't gone to work, it was simply too difficult for him.
That day it was exactly two years since he and Johnny broke up. Despite all that time, Ten still couldn't explain how it happened.

 

That morning he turned off the alarm and stayed in his bed, wrapped in blankets and by the darkness of the room. He had turned off the phone and he disconnected himself from the outside world, he had decided he didn't need anyone that day.

 

He stayed in bed listening to the noises of the day. A car horn, the shouting of the children who came and went back from school, the neighbors who were arguing. He even missed the fights with Johnny. Everything about him was absence, a hole in his chest.

 

When he decided to get up, it was long past noon. He didn't even bother to check the phone. His friends knew very well what day it was, and they also knew that trying to get him out of the house was a futile effort.

 

Ten wandered around his apartment all day, not knowing what to do. From the bed he lay on the couch, without even opening the curtains to see the world or to let the light illuminate his little living room.

 

He spent the afternoon changing the tv channels, bored, carefully avoiding any love story that television offered him.

 

Tired of changing channels and tired of his own thoughts, of his pain, he had stood up dragging his feet on the floor until he reached the kitchen. There he opened a cupboard and took a bottle of red wine, opening it and deciding to drink without any glass. It would have been useless.

 

Ten had been drinking for hours.

 

The sky darkened and he found himself in his room, with the second bottle of wine, sitting on the ground with an old shoe box open between his legs.

 

He took a generous sip of wine as he flipped through the pictures of him and Johnny. In that box there were their precious memories: the first date, the millionth kiss, the first holiday, the first Christmas together.

 

Ten smiled, but that smile showed sadness and regret. Two years had passed, but he still did not know why their story was over.

 

They loved each other, they loved each other so much. They had met in college and had fallen in love immediately; only one glance was enough. Before they realized it, they were walking together on campus holding hands. They had graduated, then they went to live together.

 

A tear dropped slowly and warmly, crossing his cheek. Ten caught her with the back of his hand, sobbing.

 

«You promised me.»

He grabbed a picture of Johnny that he himself had taken. He remembered that night perfectly: they had just moved into their apartment and had gone out to celebrate. After dining in a restaurant near their house, Johnny had taken him to the river to watch the fireworks. Ten had taken his camera and had captured that moment, forever impressing Johnny's gaze towards the sky that lit up with bright colors.

«You promised me it'd last forever.»

 

The single tear soon found company. Ten's eyes were puffy and salty tears began to wet his face. His body was shaken by tremors and sobs.

 

The last time Ten had seen Johnny was the day he left. From that moment their life was as if it had never existed, as if their love had never been lived. In a city as big as theirs, they hadn't had many opportunities to meet.

But his friends told him about the marriage: Johnny would have married another man. When his friends had told him, Ten had felt his heart breaking into pieces. He had sworn he had heard it bleeding. That night he had come home, destroyed by the news, and the anger had taken over. He had opened that box, the same one he was looking at that moment, and he had started throwing away their old photographs. He even took Johnny's hoodie, throwing it in the trash can. He regretted it almost immediately and had collected everything, crying.

 

Ten reached out and grabbed Johnny's gray hoodie, too big for him. He held it in his arms, now he had lost his scent. If he had  concentrated enough, he could still remember it clearly: vanilla.

 

Even though Johnny belonged to his past, Ten could neither forgive nor forget him. Johnny was the love of his life and couldn't believe he had lost him.

 

Frustrated, he got up from the ground and dropped the hoodie on the parquet. He went to the bathroom and quickly rinsed his face with fresh water. He could no longer stay at home, crying and remembering. He needed to get out and breathe some air, to get away from his own thoughts, to calm down.

 

After putting shoes and jacket, he grabbed the house keys and left. Arriving at the entrance door, he noticed that it was raining and had no umbrellas. The summer rain was thin, it slipped on the skin like silk, and brought with it an aroma of wet earth that awakens from his lethargy.

 

Careless, Ten walked down the deserted street. It was almost midnight and with that time many people were at home, the city seemed suddenly empty. Perhaps he would have to worry, but walking freely in the street could calm his heart.

He walked a few blocks in total peace, until he saw a black car approach and stop a few steps from him. His heart lost a beat and his feet moved fast on the sidewalk, until he heard a low voice behind him.

 

«Ten!»

 

He had heard his name so many times but pronounced like that it was a lethal and pleasant sensation. He turned, knowing already who he would find behind him.

 

«Johnny.»

 

Johnny was behind him, statuary as he remembered it. Ten paused on the details of his face, looked at him as if he had never seen him before, as if it were the first time. Like so many years before.

 

«What are you doing here, alone under the rain?»

 

«I could ask you the same question.»

 

Johnny took a step forward and suddenly Ten felt his body stiffen.

 

«You’re trembling. Let me take you home.»

 

Ten smiled. He was not cold; his body was shaking for another reason: finding his soulmate had awakened him from the numbness in which he was dozing.

 

«It’s not necessary but thank you.»

 

Ten could no longer bear his worried look, it was no longer his right to worry about him or his health. The two of them had become perfect strangers and, since Johnny's imminent marriage, they should have behaved like that.

 

Ten walked and passed by, trying to avoid his eyes fixed on him. But Johnny reached out and grabbed him by the wrist, making him stop. They were side by side, while the rain wrapped any noise around them.

 

It had been two years.

 

«Please.»

 

Ten jumped. His voice came out feeble and hoarse: it was a plea.

 

«Ok.»

 

Johnny finally let go of his wrist and turned, heading for the car a few meters away from them. Ten looked at him for a few seconds, looked at the shape of his shoulders and back as if he were studying a work of art.

 

He sighed and followed him in silence, he reached the car and hesitated a moment before entering. Ten felt tears sting his eyes, but he didn't let them fall, he decided to wait to be alone in his house again.

 

The road was short and silent, neither dared to speak. Ten had watched Johnny out of the corner of his eye as he drove seriously. When they reached Ten's apartment, Johnny turned off the engine and turned to look at him.

 

«Let me take you home.»

 

«Why?»

 

Ten's tone was abrupt and startled Johnny, who looked down slightly.

 

«Because I'm worried about you.»

 

Ten bit his lower lip, clutching a flap of his jacket with his hands.

 

«Since when? We haven’t seen each other or talk for years.»

 

Johnny didn’t answer and Ten took the opportunity to open the car door and exit, slamming it behind him. He heard Johnny come out of the car and reached him to the front door. He was behind him and he felt his breath on his neck. Ten shuddered.

 

«I want to make sure you're okay.»

 

Ten didn't answer, just nodded. They went quietly up the stairs, until they reached Ten's apartment. Johnny came in and Ten closed the door, pointing to Johnny at the kitchen.

 

«Do you want a glass of water?»

 

«Yes thanks.»

 

Ten took off his coat and took Johnny's too, he hanged both on the clothes hanger at the entrance. He walked into the kitchen and, as Johnny sat at the table, Ten took a glass and poured water. He handed it to Johnny, who drank it all in one gulp.

 

«Why are you out this late?»

 

«I was at a dinner and I was going home, then I saw you.»

 

Ten nodded and remained standing, leaning against the wall far from him. That situation was new and strange, he felt Johnny as a stranger. It had been so long that it didn't seem true.

 

«Thanks for the ride, I'm fine now.»

 

Ten watched Johnny's gaze peers at the kitchen until he saw his eyes settle on an empty wine bottle. They were both tense and felt themselves out of place.

 

«Ten, I... I'm sorry. I saw you and I stopped without even thinking about it, seeing you walk alone in the rain made me worry. Are you sure everything’s fine?»

 

Ten smiled, but he wasn't happy. It was a sad smile, full of regret and rancor. He ran a hand over his face, trying to clear his mind in those brief seconds. From his look he could very well understand Johnny's concern, and it hurt. It was like a blade stuck in the heart.

 

«No, I'm not sure. I don’t even know what you're doing in my house. Do you have to tell me something? Otherwise you can go.»

 

Ten had imagined a thousand times his first meeting with Johnny and none of his fantasies had approached reality. The anger accumulated in those years appeared on the surface, ready to erupt like a volcano remained inactive for a long time.

 

«Seriously, Johnny, I don’t know what you want from me. You're getting married, for God’s sake, you shouldn’t be at your ex's house at this time of night!»

 

Johnny stood up and approached him in a few steps, stopping as if an invisible wall was separating them.

 

«I was going home, in fact, but I wanted to... apologize.»

 

«Didn’t you love me anymore?»

 

Ten looked up and pointed him straight in Johnny's eyes, which widened as he heard that fierce question. Ten could no longer hold back, a tear escaped his control and quickly ran down his cheek, ending his run between his lips. It was a legitimate question, after all. After years he deserved an answer.

 

«I always loved you.»

 

«So why is it over?»

 

Ten moved away from the wall and stepped forward, raising his face so he could look Johnny better. So many times, he had wondered what went wrong, he blamed himself and he felt bad. He couldn't get over it because he couldn't find a good reason. They were doing well, they were building their future. Then everything was over, as it had begun.

«It's not just the love that drives relationships, Ten, you know. I loved you every day, but sometimes love is not enough. I-»

 

Johnny didn’t finish the sentence because Ten had approached. He rested his lips, slightly damp, against Johnny's. A second later they were kissing and Ten felt himself light again. Johnny held him in a hug and Ten let himself be cradled by his big, strong hands, as he felt the hearts of both of them running like crazy horses in their chest.

 

«I still love you.»

 

Ten whispered it between their kisses. He let Johnny's lips wander down his neck, while Ten's emotions stirred inside him like a stormy sea. Ten knew that all of this was wrong, because Johnny was engaged, but he couldn't get rid of it. He was selfish and he knew it, all he had ever wanted was to be able to have him with him again.

 

«I love you too, Ten.»

 

Tears began to flow like a river in flood, Ten felt a slight warmth expand in his chest. Johnny was his home.

 

Without realizing it, Ten began to walk backwards while they were still kissing. Johnny followed him without question, until they came to the bedroom. The pictures, the hoodie and the bottle of wine were still lying on the floor, just as Ten had left them almost an hour ago.

 

Both fell on the bed, their hands wandered over their bodies. They undressed, kissed and both let go to their emotions. Ten felt his head spinning and his body wrapped in warmth, but none of this was due to alcohol. It was Johnny, it had always been him. Having him back in his arms, being able to still feel his taste, made him feel good. He was back to breathe, he was back in heaven.

 

The silence of the room was filled by their sighs, their moans, by the past promises that seemed came back.

 

Hours passed and Ten found himself exhausted in Johnny's arms, lying beside him in bed. Ten kissed his neck and closed his eyes, listening carefully to Johnny's breathing. It was as if they had never left each other.

 

Ten let Johnny cuddle him, let him fall asleep between his blankets. He watched him for a few moments in silence, trying to impress that image in his mind, the memory of that night.

 

Without realizing it, Ten also fell asleep and let his dreams cuddle him. After a long time, Ten dreamed of being happy and again with Johnny. He dreamed of having him back home, waking up and having breakfast in their kitchen. He dreamed of their laughter, their kisses, their legs wrapped together.

A few hours later, Ten woke up. He opened his eyes in the darkness of the room and he felt a gap beside him on the mattress. He turned and Johnny was gone. He listened to the noises of the silent house and realized that he had remained alone again.

 

«He’s gone.»