Inspired by Angels Cry by Mariah Carey ft. Ne-yo if you don’t know the song listen to it first before reading. A WHOLE LOT of angst because we love pain. Also, HAPPY KAISOO DAY EVERYONE <3 STAY WINNIN KAISOOISTS ✊

 

I couldn’t have prepared myself for this fall

Shattered in pieces curled on the floor

Supernatural love conquers all

Remember we used to touch the sky

 

Kyungsoo stares at his phone for the first time that day, the screen blaring with light at the albeit dark room. His fingers shake as he tightens his hold on the object, the big, bold letters seemingly screaming at him from the other side of the screen. He stares for a while more, not quite processing everything that’s happening because this can’t be, not again.

He locks the phone before he could think about it any longer, throwing it on his bed before staring up at the ceiling. He tries to keep the tears b on his eyelids from falling, failing miserably when one rolls down his cheek. He wipes at it furiously before standing up, turning to go for a hot shower ‘cause it always solves everything. He makes his way to the front door to turn the light on and find his towel somewhere in the room, but a click from the door and a shadow appearing beats him to it. Before he knows it, Junmyeon is staring at him with pity in his eyes.

“Kyungsoo..” he starts and Kyungsoo knows this situation all too well. Recognizes the look from 2 years ago when Jongin and Soojung were announced to be dating.

“What?” Kyungsoo tries to plaster the best poker-face he can whilst trying not to overdo it and seem like he hates the entire world.

“Do you need to.. Do you need to talk?” the older asks, and Kyungsoo’s brow furrows. He hates that he’s looking at him like he’s a porcelain doll that can break at any moment. He’s not what he used to be. He’s not gonna cry over his bandmate dating somebody, it’s none of his business and neither is it the older’s. He’s thankful he didn’t break down the moment he heard of the news, or he’d be eating his own words right about now.

“I’m fine. Now leave me alone, I need to go shower,” he dismisses and proceeds to looking for his towel.

Junmyeon stares at him from the door all throughout. It’s not a surprise that the other’s not saying anything about the situation. Kyungsoo’s changed from the past months, he doesn’t get shy anymore, what with his acting career having to work and promote his movies without the other members.

Junmyeon remembers how the others would comfort him when he forgets his lines or messes up his moves. He also remembers how Kyungsoo would stay silent during variety shows and interviews, or how he would hide at the mention of aegyo. He remembers everything about the younger, cause he’s been there all throughout the journey. But he also knows suppressing his feelings and bottling it up all inside of him isn’t the answer.

“You’ve changed a lot..” Kyungsoo stays silent at the words and the older takes it as a cue to continue.

“But I know one thing hasn’t changed.. and you’re not dealing with it in the healthiest way..” he trails off before the younger faces him again.

“Why does everybody think they know so much about me more than I do? I’ve moved on. It’s been years now so will you all please just let it go?” Kyungsoo replies in frustration. He grabs the towel hanging on the far corner of the room hanging on a chair. Their leader is silent, pondering on whether or not he should say this to the other.

“We wanted to tell you before it came out.. But you were so busy on your movie. And Jongin said he wanted tell you personally..” Kyungsoo clenches his fist. They knew, they all knew.

He knows he shouldn’t be acting like this at all. It was unfair to Jongin, to Junmyeon and to the entire group because after all Jongin and him never even dated. He sighs, calming himself down because the other has nothing to do with everything that’s happening.

“It’s okay hyung, just.. I need some time alone, please?” Junmyeon nods, and Kyungsoo proceeds to the bathroom before he hears the door close.

He steps into the shower, shedding himself of all his clothing and turning the shower knob. He feels the warm liquid cascade down his body as he massages his scalp, closing his eyes and turning the temperature higher, the water almost too hot to handle but he couldn’t care less. He’d rather feel that than the burning in his eyes and the weight on his chest. He pretends the tears running down his face are water droplets. He pretends Jongin still loves him.

 

 

Lightning don’t strike the same place twice

When you and I, said goodbye

I felt the angels cry

 

Kyungsoo steps out of the shower a whole 50 minutes later. He definitely feels better than he did earlier, having let out his emotions alone in the shower. He liked to keep to himself, if he was completely honest. He didn’t want to feel like a burden to everyone else around him. That was probably why he always wanted to do the best at everything he does, directors and producers wouldn’t want mediocre actors as much as entertainment companies didn’t want simple singers.

Everyone wanted so much from him, expected so much from him. But he wasn’t complaining, he knew what he was getting himself into when he entered the entertainment world. Amidst all of that he may or may not have forgotten to spend time with his friends and family. He tried his best, really but maybe his best wasn’t enough for some people and by people he meant a certain Kim Jongin.

He wasn’t outright saying it, but he felt like Jongin was growing further and further away from him. The whole entire year he was busy filming, and when he wasn’t he was rehearsing lines, or perfecting his tap-dancing. He got praises from everyone, the cast, the directors and even the other members, ‘cause who wouldn’t be when he was that dedicated. He got praises from Jongin too of course, which was probably why he never noticed the younger growing less and less fond of him. But when Tempo promotions came, they were back on track. Showing the brotherly love they’ve always loved only to find out about this months later.

He regrets just having noticed the things that he didn’t back when he was so busy. Maybe when he paid more attention to things other than his career then this wouldn’t have happened. They wouldn’t have grown apart, Jongin wouldn’t have wanted to search for affection from another person.

He sighs, pushing the thoughts away and picks up his phone facing down on the bed to unlock it to 11 messages. Five of which are from Jongin, although he doesn’t have the courage to open it. One’s from Chanyeol asking if he’s heard of the news already. The remaining are from other members asking the same question or saying theyre always available if he ever needed someone to talk to.

He appreciates it, really. But it just annoys him to think that the reason why theyre all being like this is they think he’ll act the same way he did 2 years ago when Jongin was announced to be dating Krystal. He can’t blame them either, that was probably one of the most painful (and embarrassing) experiences ever.

He literally broke down when he found out, in front of everyone (except Jongin of course who was busy talking to their manager and trying to clean up the mess). Since then everyone has treated him with so much care – even Baekhyun who just loves to annoy him which seems so out of character. Junmyeon would buy him ice cream and lots of food, Chanyeol, Jongdae and Sehun would ask him to hang out more often, even Yixing would want his input on the songs he’s composing.

He’s not entirely sure, but he thinks the other members have noticed the way he and Jongin acted around each other even before his (embarrassing) breakdown. It didn’t take an Einstein to do so but still, even he was confused as to what their relationship was.

It was endearing really, but soon enough he was dreading it. He hated the thought of having broken down in front of them when he prided himself in handling his emotions well, having hid his feelings for Jongin for years. He hated being treated like something so fragile. He was a grown man who can handle himself, it wasn’t that big of a deal.

Fortunately, it gradually faded as the months passed and they all noticed doe-eyed boy not showing emotions of distress having thought he’d moved on. That’s not even close to being true but it made him feel better when the other treated him normally than some helpless puppy they need to take care of.

He hates to think about that time when he was so vulnerable. He used to wish the members would just eventually forget it but it’s probably the only thing theyre thinking of right now considering the numerous texts he got from them who were just literally outside of his room. Maybe they were scared of what they’d find when they came in, but one thing’s for sure: he doesn’t want their pity.

He sees Sehun’s text arrive a second or two later saying the younger was on his way to his room, and as if on cue the door opens. Kyungsoo turns around to meet the younger’s eyes.

“Hyung,” the younger almost whines as he dashes towards him, and encasing him in a bone crushing hug.

“Are you okay?” Sehun breaks the hug, searching the older’s eyes with worry.

For some reason, Kyungsoo can’t get himself to be mad at their youngest like he did with everybody else, even if he is a brat. He was annoying, but the good kind of annoying. Kinda like Jongin. Maybe that came with being part of the maknae line package. He dismisses the thought as soon as it came and manages a weak smile before replying.

“I’m fine, Sehun-ah,” the younger doesn’t look so convinced but he drags him to sit on the foot of the bed.

“Hyung, what really happened to you both back then? And you cant deny anything because everyone knows there’s something going on with you two.”

Kyungsoo wants to snort at how straightforward and blunt the other was. One of the reason he likes him was this, he didn’t show pity when he talked about things like his relationship with Jongin.

“To be honest, I don’t know either.. He just kind of.. stopped,” and that feeling is back again. That sick feeling of not knowing, the feeling of being stupid to fall for someone with no assurance of the other’s feelings.

“We were just.. we were getting out of hand, and I just wanted to cool off for a while,” Kyungsoo’s head hangs low, and the younger just stares at him, listening intently.

“The next thing I knew, he and Soojung happened and it’s like.. It’s like looking at a stranger you’ve never met your whole life..” Kyungsoo tilts his head to the side to meet the younger’s gaze, and he sees it falter before he asks.

“Are you over it?” Sehun thinks it’s stupid to ask him that question because really, he knows the answer. And he knows Kyungsoo’s not gonna answer it with a hundred percent honesty for the sake of not seeming so pitiful because hell that was years ago.

“No..” the younger is almost shocked to hear him say it, but he continues.

“I keep telling myself I have, cause maybe if I did it enough I’d believe it myself but..” Kyungsoo runs a hand through his hair, sighing dejectedly.

“I guess I was fooling nobody in this house, huh?” Kyungsoo smiles despite the pain. It wasn’t the best he could give but he needed to give at least something to kill the other’s worries. He didn’t want to worry any of them, especially not Sehun. He wants to give credit to himself for doing much better than he did the last time Jongin came out with a dating scandal, but he still feels like .

“Hyung, I’ll give you all of my banana milk, and my Cheetos. I’ll let Meokmul and Huchu play with Vivi, too. Just please stop being sad,” the younger pouts and Kyungsoo almost wants to comply at his request.

He lets out a chuckle, “It’s not that easy dumb-dum,” he flicks his finger at the younger’s head playfully. Sehun massages the spot before staring back at his hyung with worry.

“Your smile makes me sad, that sounds stupid but it does.. it looks even more painful than when you bawled your eyes out back then.”

Kyungsoo stays silent, and the younger takes his hand and plays with his fingers. Wrapping his around the soft pad of his palm, and his slim fingers.

“It’s okay to be sad hyung, no one’s going to judge you here. We’re your brothers..” Sehun trails off, looking Kyungsoo in the eye before pulling him into a hug. Kyungsoo may or may not have shed a tear because their camaraderie was really something, even when Kyungsoo was being an and ignoring all of them like this. He sheds another because they all are brothers, but he wants to be more than that with a certain someone, and he knows that’s not ever going to happen.

 

 

We were so good together

How come we could not weather,

This storm and just do better?

Why did we say goodbye?

 

 

Kyungsoo manages to effectively avoid Jongin for the rest of the day, and the younger was getting worried because it was 7pm now and he still hasn’t seen his hyung. Not when they all had breakfast in the morning, or lunch. He may or may not have heard of what happened when Kyungsoo found out about him and Soojung a few years back, was he falling into that depressive state again?

He musters up the courage to make his way to the older’s room. When he turns the corner, he finds the person he’s been looking for the whole day. He looks like he was just about to leave, dressed in sweatpants and a hoodie. Their eyes meet, and Jongin thinks he looks better than he expected him to be, but not totally fine either.

“Where are you going?” he asks, and the older’s eyes harden, as if barricading him away from his emotions. He doesn’t appreciate that the tanned boy’s already noticed his swollen eyes and flushed cheeks.

“Eating out with Sehun,” he replies without a second thought, and dashes past the younger to turn the corner.

Jongin jogs toward him, and slows his steps when he’s right behind the man, pleading for even a second of his time.

“Okay, well can we talk?” Kyungsoo doesn’t slow down, and the younger tries to match his pace and he almost stumbles.

“I just told you, I’m eating out with Sehun,” they round another corner, and something snaps inside Jongin, urges him to say something stupid.

“Hyung, aren’t you even going to congratulate me?” this seems to grab the older’s attention and he halts in his steps, turning around to meet the younger’s eyes.

“Congratulations, Jongin. I’m happy for you,” Jongin takes a step back. He didn’t expect to be met with cold eyes, hollow and soulless. His hyung has never looked at him in such a way, but he doesn’t have time to process it because the next thing he knows, the older is walking away from him again and he almost wants to give himself a nice slap on the face for even saying that because he knows all too well why his hyung was acting like this. But he was desperate for any emotion from the older other than the cold gaze and short replies.

They round another corner and Jongin grows more desperate and hopeless.

“Hyung, please –“ he reaches out to grab the older’s wrist but he finally stops in his tracks.

“Jongin, stop.” Kyungsoo finally turns around to meet the younger’s eyes. His brows furrowed and eyes glossy, voice pleading and desperate for some peace from the younger.

“I’m fine, I’m okay. Everything’s peachy just please, please leave me alone.” His voice almost cracks, and he almost laughs to himself because even singing the highest notes can’t do this to him. Only he ever can.

“Hyung stop lying to me, I know you enough to know you’re not fine.”

“Then you also know I want you to leave me the alone,” Jongin’s face contorts into an expression of hurt. Since when did he not enjoy his company? Since when did his hyung start to become so cold towards him?

“Why do you always do this? I try to be your friend but you always, always push me away.” Kyungsoo watches the hurt on the younger’s face and he almost wants to stop being a stubborn right then and there to comfort the younger, but he reminds himself he probably isn’t feeling as much pain as he is. He chooses to be selfish for once.

“Is that the most important thing to you right now? Being a friend? Cause your girlfriend’s probably waiting for you somewhere.” Kyungsoo scoffs the sarcastic remark before turning around and walking further away from the younger, gasping when a force pulls him back enough to turn him back around and face the perpetrator.

“Why are you making such a big deal about this? I thought we agreed on being friends? I thought we’d agreed to supporting each other in what we do?”

Kyungsoo shrugs the hand curled on his arm harshly, facing the younger and eyeing him before speaking up. “You’re right, I shouldn’t be making a big deal about this,” he tries to keep the courage that urged him to reply to the younger’s question, but it was so hard to do when he’s right in front of him staring with the eyes he’s always come to love. Always so gentle and understanding, even when he’s snapping at him like this.

“I should have moved on 3 years ago, I should have let go of every feeling I had for you then. I should have distanced myself from you because you were a ing disaster waiting to happen.” Kyungsoo wipes the tear the moment he feels it leave his eyes, silently wishing the younger didn’t see it.

“Whenever I’m with you it’s like the world’s in order and complete chaos at the same time,” his vision blurs some more, and he feels another tear fall but this time he doesn’t wipe it. Figures it was useless now to hide it from the other when he knows there are other more coming. His legs feel wobbly, and he balls his fist to keep himself upright – to feel something other than the giant lump in his throat and the quivering of his lips as he talks.

“I never know what the hell’s going to happen or what I’m gonna do when you’re around cause you make me act like a ing idiot.”

“I was impulsive back then, touching and holding you close to me in front of everyone and put both of us and our career in jeopardy,” now it was Jongin’s eyes’ turn to get glossy. He stares at the man in front of him slowly crumbling and opening up ever since that day.

“A-and so I thought, okay, maybe we should cool it off for now, put ourselves in check and remember just who we are in this industry.. b-because I can’t—“ he pauses mid-sentence, swallowing the lump still in his throat before continuing. “I can’t let you ruin everything you’ve built up for something – something so stupid.” Jongin watches in silence as the older crumbles apart in front him, he knows what’s next.

“And then Soojung happened..” Kyungsoo tries to control his breathing, almost hyperventilating now that he’s crying and the dorm’s hallway suddenly feels too suffocating and he wants to run and get out of this situation as soon as he can. He wipes at his cheek once more with the back of his palm and he remembers the last time he broke down in front of everyone, only this time it was worse. Because he’d rather cry in fron of 7 people than the one who was causing him so much pain.

“So I told myself, this is it. I’ll finally get over you, I’ll move on, it’s not so hard, not like anything I’ve never been in before. But boy was I wrong,” he laughs to himself, covering his mouth with the back of his hand to somehow calm himself down. He blinks away another tear before continuing.

“I cried for a day, and then it was two days, then it was three. And before I knew it I was crying every night for a whole damned week. Then I asked myself, was it ever like this with my exes? Because a whole 5 months later I still can’t stand the fact of you being together, or seeing those pictures of you out together, and then I realized. It’s never felt like this with anyone before because you were different.” Kyungsoo jabs a finger at Jongin’s chest and the younger feels a sting reverberate from the spot albeit it being not enough to cause pain.

“I’ve been in love before, but I’ve never..” he inhales, trying to ease the pain in his chest getting heavier at the thought of what he’s going to say next.

 “I-I’ve never loved anyone like I love you.”

“And on some days it feels like I’m so high up on cloud 9, b-but most of the times it feels like you’re ripping my heart out of my chest and stomping on it mercilessly.” Jongin’s chest constricts at the sight in front of him. He thought the older had moved on, he thought they were okay, that they were on the same page because wasn’t it Kyungsoo who wanted to distance himself from the beginning?  

“But I pushed through it, it wasn’t easy and I wasn’t completely over it yet but I tried, and when you guys broke up it felt like a ing rainbow shown overhead after a storm. And I felt like again because I shouldn’t have felt that when my best friend was brokenhearted,” Kyungsoo remembers now how unhealthy this whole ordeal was. He’d call it a rollercoaster of emotions but there weren’t exactly rollercoasters that went underground after falling from its peak, because that’s how it was with Jongin.

It always feels like 2 days of bliss and 2 years of pain. One moment the younger’s staring at him with those brown orbs and Kyungsoo would catch him looking, they’d both laugh it off and occasionally smack each other in front of the crowd, and sometimes some more intimate things happen. The next moment they’re being scolded backstage because that was too much fanservice it was almost too obvious. And he can’t bring the younger into more trouble, he can’t jeopardize their friendship, their reputation, their career. It was so unfair, and sometimes he thinks maybe it’s not love because love isn’t supposed to feel like being run over by a bus.

Kyungsoo’s clenching his fist at the hem of his shirt now, and he can see the younger listening intently but it was hard to see with fresh tears still b on his eyelids.

“And you just casually started going back to your clingy old self and I couldn’t say anything about it because I-I loved every moment with you, and it was selfish and I was being stupid all over again. But I let it happen because I missed you so ing much. And now you just.. it’s Soojung all over again and I can’t believe I’m going through this again because I should have let it go, I should have let you go and this is all my fault and—“ Jongin hugs the older before he could finish, burying his face on the crook of his neck.

“S-stop saying that.. It’s my fault too. I’m sorry if I lead you on.. I’m sorry for making such a huge mess..” they stay like that for a while. Jongin rubbing circles on Kyungsoo’s back to comfort him as he silently cries on the younger’s chest.

Moments later, Kyungsoo breaks the hug and wipes his face clean. His eyes are redder and puffier than they were earlier, and his lips look swollen. Jongin stares at the sight and it’s then that he realizes how much he misses his hyung. Misses moments like these when it was just the two of them. He wants to touch him, and hold him in his arms like he would back then.

And he does just that, leaning in and Kyungsoo closes his eyes. Jongin feels electricity run throughout his body the closer he gets. He settles his hand at the back of his hyung’s nape and his other hand on his waist, Kyungsoo hesitates for a moment, but he places his hand on the younger’s shoulder.

Kyungsoo missed the younger’s touches, but this was wrong. Kyungsoo leans away when their lips are mere centimeters apart, his hand sliding from the taller’s shoulder. He opens his eyes and looks away, disgusted at himself for even thinking of kissing him.

“You have a girlfriend Jongin..” Jongin seems to snap out of his own trance, his touch leaving the older’s body and he feels.. disappointed.

“I’ll see you around.” Kyungsoo bids before walking away. Jongin can only stare at the older’s silhouette.