It is Hyesung’s first time in Chungnam.

He came in driving his own car during a warm Indian summer-like weather in the middle of May. One thing he is thankful for is that the sky has cleared to reveal thick cumulus clouds, with no hints of rain in sight. Should it have rained, it would have been incredibly pitiful, and he would have to go back as he could not afford to be stuck on the road in the middle of nowhere should something happen. However, as he passed by several wheat fields and roads, with the sun brightly shining overhead, making the whole air humid and dry, Hyesung is left with nothing else to do but to accordingly adjust his cooling system as his feelings of apprehension grows over what the day could possibly bring.

He was able to easily find the alleyway pinned from his Google Map application. It led him to a far-off town near bordering the Yellow Sea. The entrance to the fishing village is near its town marketplace, and he saw the store owners laying down their fresh catch caught in the morning. Fishes of different kinds, and sizes were put in colourful plastic bowls for the onlookers to peruse and buy. The kind ahjummas in shiny aprons and vividly-colored gloves, were arranging their products emerged in cool water with floating ice to keep their fishes from going bad.

Hyesung parked his car under a tall tree with wide leaves and wilfully killed the engine. He looked at his head mirror and adjusted his glasses before going outside. He does not want to attract anybody’s attention. Basically, the whole thing is a secret trip. No one from his family, not even his parents knows of his whereabouts today, and highly likely thinks he was comfortably seated on his couch, playing video games in his apartment on a Thursday morning. Who in their right mind would be parking a car near the Yellow Sea on a Thursday morning, unless there’s a clear intention to go fishing? Yet, Shin Hyesung, singer, main vocal of Shinhwa, and never-actor found himself staring out of the big blue beyond with its rolling waves and squawking gulls. It will take a miracle to pull the whole thing off.

Perhaps, indeed, he has gone crazy.

“Took you long to find this place.”

Hyesung turned around and was greeted by the sight of his fellow member Eric, clad in an orange shirt and faded jeans. He hid his buzz cut under a white cap. Eric, who has asked permission to go on an overnight trip for a break from the military, his post at the time, stationed a few towns away from where they are now. Eric, who out-of-the-blue called his mobile number just the night before, was saying that he suddenly wants to go fishing. Eric, who said he has already prepared the place where they will stay and that there are no reasons to say no. Eric, leader of Shinhwa, and a loach.

There is always something about Eric that makes Hyeung feel restless.

“You have some nerve asking me to be here faster when you called just under twelve hours.” Hyesung muttered and opened the trunk of his car to get his belongings. He added, “Thank you for making me feel very much welcomed.” 

Eric snickered and made a mocking bow. Hyesung cursed further.

Eric looked at Hyesung and has always liked what he saw. The ex-taekwondo player has a way of carrying himself in a very noble manner. It adds to Eric’s fascination the particular singer’s lineage to a renowned poet and scholar in Korean history. Even when they first met, he has always known Shin Hyesung is not like the others. There is something about him that makes Eric follow him with his eyes.

“Let’s go.” Eric took Hyesung’s bag from his shoulders, and Hyesung was not able to react fast because Eric is already a few feet away. He secured his car and followed suit, but not without admiring the clear, fresh breeze brought by the ocean, and the peals of laughter from the children playing near the stalls where their mothers sell their goods.

Eric led Hyesung to a humble cottage house by the sea with a pointed roof, and neatly-lined tiles. It is a place good for an overnight trip, with a dock nearby and small stores where one may purchase anything urgent they may need, usually toiletries, and a few chips and drinks.

Inside, the room may properly accommodate two persons. It has two beds with white sheets and pillows. There is a wooden table and two chairs. There is a door leading out to the dock where the tourists may commence their fishing activities and another one leading to the inside of the house where the kitchen and the door to the bathroom is connected. The whole place has a nice front porch where the men may sit down and drink, enjoying the night breeze later in the evening.

Eric dropped Hyesung’s bag on one of the chairs chair and opened the windows to let the air and light in. Dust motes fluttered, and made Hyesung sneeze.

“Bless you.”

Hyesung rubbed his nose with the back of his hand. It has become a bright red, in contrast with his fair skin. “You made me come to a place in the middle of nowhere and you take me here?” 

“Should I take you to a motel?” Eric chirped in teasingly, earning an agitated look from Hyesung.

“Hell, no thanks.”

“Your loss.” Eric laughed, and Hyesung observed how the lines on Eric’s face become prominent whenever he flashes his white teeth. When they first debuted, they were all shadowed with Dongwan’s flower boy looks, but in the long run, Eric took the hearts of many women, most especially when he ventured into acting. Hyesung himself has monitored s’ shows, and whenever Eric displays his smile, he can’t help but agree that it does stir strange things in his own heart. Most probably because he has acknowledged his friend’s superior acting skills.

“We’re like a bunch of runaways with this place.”

Eric looked around, his eyes wondering. “Isn’t that what we are?”

“Touche.” Hyesung got his bag and opened it, rummaging through his belongings to arrange them in the drawer beside the bed. “My parents don’t know I’m here.”

Eric’s eyes widened. “Are you serious?”

“Do I look like I’m joking?”

Eric searched Hyesung’s eyes, and found him speaking the truth. He gave a mischievous smile. “The whole thing sounds like we eloped and that I won’t take you back home anymore.”

“Pabo.” Hyesung breathed. “Months into the military and you have become an inexcusable human being, when it should be the opposite.” He continued to fold his clothes and tuck them in the drawer.

“Do you hear from the other members?”

Hyesung looked at Eric and saw his leader’s face becoming serious. “They call. But they are spending their times with their families of course. Junjin will be enlisting in October, so we had a few chats here and there. Andy plans to do it a few days before his birthday. Whatever that boy ate I don’t know.”

“And Minwoo?”

“I don’t know, but by the looks of it, he is enlisting last.”

“I see.”

“Have you heard from Dongwan? He followed suit into the military after you.”

“No.” Eric shook his head “You know how Dongwan’s mind works. He wants to enlist early to get out early.”

 “Have they given a date yet?”

Eric looked at Hyesung and noted the look on the singer’s eyes. As the only one who won’t be joining the enlistment, it is left to Hyesung to wait for s to come back. The sustained injury back in 2001 due to the concert has continued to bother Hyesung, making him exempt from duties. Eric saw the deep and sincere longing in Hyesung’s eyes for Shinhwa to be six again, as it has always been. “You sound like a military wife, waiting for his sons to come home.”

“You fool.” Hyesung spat, and scratched his head. “Are you ever serious?”

Eric quieted down. And Hyesung was left with no choice but to look at his friend straight in the eye. The room has grown warm due to the afternoon weather outside, and the bees silently buzzed outside the window amidst the planted flowers in the small patch of garden beside the house. For a few heartbeats, there was only silence and anticipated breathing, between the two group mates who have spent the last ten years together.

“I am never not serious when it comes to Shinhwa.” 

There’s nothing else needed to be said, and Eric stood up to prepare their fishing equipment. Hysung followed suit calmly, as he knows he stepped on a landmine, and it is seldom that Eric is ever angry with him in particular. It made him a bit afraid, as he does not know to confront serious Eric. He may have a field day as the weird leader who acts more of a baby at times, but in matters that really require serious attention, most especially as it involves their uncertain future as singers and as a group certainly is not something to joke about. 

“I’m sorry about that.”

Eric turned around, nets and fishing pole in one hand, a can of worms in the other. “No problem. Let’s go.”

They went out and distributed duties. Eric chose to fish while Hyesung may start a list and shop for items they may eat at the nearby store. The place is dotted with hole-in-the-wall stores for tourists to frequent should they need something unexpected or forgot to pack basic necessities. There are also ramyeon shops around the area.

Eric casted his line with one swing and watched the end of his hook hit the water with a light plok. In two hour’s time, the sun will be setting soon and they will be having a small grill party by the porch. While waiting for another bite, in addition to his three longs ones he has already caught, Hyesung came in with a plastic bag filled with two bottles of soju, cans of beer and two tubs of kimchi. He also sees a suspicious container of sesame. Some things never change.

Hyesung peered at the bucket where the caught fishes were swimming. “Looks good.”

Eric smiled. This made Hyesung feel relief, as it means the tension brought up in the morning has been dispelled. One thing that they are proud as a group, is their ability to make up like real men after a fight. Hyesung suddenly remembered the burp brawl incident between Eric and Dongwan and found difficulty in stifling his laugh.

“What’s so funny?”

Hyesung looked at Eric, who was looking at him quizzically and reeling in his last catch for the day.

“Nothing, I’m just remembering memories from the past.”

“I see.” Eric casually flung the fish into the bucket and wiped his hands at the back of his jeans. “Let’s go back. It will be dark soon.”

They leisurely made their way into the house, two figures against the setting sun wearing casual clothes and blending well with the place like natives. They changed into thicker clothing as the night grows cold when one is near water. Eric wore a black hoodie and kept a bright American Eagle pullover in yellow at bay should the temperature drop a several more degrees. Hyesung tied his hair in a small ponytail and donned his glasses. He grabbed a white T-shirt from his backpack and slipped his hands under a brown hoodie, and bringing along a blue jacket too.

They settled in front of the grill where Eric made skewers of fish from leftover sticks he got from the lady next door.  Hyesung opened two cans of beers and gave Eric one. Both of them took a sip, and watched the flesh of the caught fish become charcoal black and the smell wafted in the air.

“Hyesung. Will we ever make it?”

Hyesung almost choked on the fish he just placed in his mouth. He stumbled to gather his words, but he got them out. “We will.”

“As the leader you must believe we will. Plus,“ Hyesung gave a shaky laugh. “You guys can’t leave me alone.”

“You can become a successful singer even by your own right.” Eric said nonchalantly, as he tilted the bottle for more liquor. “You are the best singer in our generation.”

“I don’t like where this conversation is going, Eric.”

“I think you understand perfectly.”

“I don’t.”

Hyesung’s eyes take a challenging glint. “And even if I do, I refuse to acknowledge.”

Eric sighed, and swirled the liquid inside the bottle. The main reason he planned the fishing trip in the first place is to prepare Hyesung for the worst. As much as he wanted to talk to each one by one, Dongwan was already in the military, and the rest, Minwoo has his solos to prepare before leaving, Andy has his We Got Married schedule, and Junjin will be a full-blow waterworks. Hyesung has always been the reserved member, and has a level head in his shoulders. And right now, what Eric needs is someone who would headbutt his every misgiving. Like now.

“New groups are emerging. You have seen how SM has introduced new groups, and so are its rival companies. I don’t think Good will be accepting us anymore since we are older idols.” Eric said, flatly. “For everyone and everything to move on, there is a need to rethink things. I remember when I was younger, I have always wanted to be a professor in a university.”

The fish came so fast, Eric had no time to react. He felt the greasy oil on his face, before the half-eaten fish fell to the ground helplessly, and he has to face a teary-eyed Hyesung in its wake, clutching into his chopsticks, Eric won’t be surprised he will be skewered in one.

“You fool! Are you crazy!” Hyesung shouted in a voice enough to wake the neighbors, and Eric felt a kick in the shin before tumbling out of his chair and into the hard wooden porch floor. He looked up to Hyesung who is crying now, and breaking the chopsticks with one hand.

“I should have known this trip is a stupid fudging hoax. So you want me to be the recipient of this news because you can’t bear to tell it to themselves? ‘Hey, we’re disbanding. Hyesung knew all this time since he never left. You’ll hear it straight from him’. Well, you sonofabish, I won’t ever concede! I won’t do your dirty work!”

Hyesung gutted Eric with a punch to the stomach, and Eric felt the no-joke power of a taekwondo player. He fell back, banged his head on the floor, and Hyesung completely topped him, knuckles bruised and tears streaming. Eric felt the warm tears in his own face, and suddenly he felt sorry choosing the wrong words to deliver his shortcomings, and feeling like the loach Hyesung always calls him.

Eric does not know why of all situations he chose to say it, but he did. “You touch something from the members that I can’t. That’s why I called you here.”

 “Also, no offense, Hyesung, but you really are prettier than some women.”

To Eric, Hyesung with his tear-filled eyes, and puffy cheeks bitten by the cold, and trembling lips glistening from the grilled fish looked all the more beautiful. It does not help that the orange glow of the porch light shed to the angles in the singer’s face, which made its ier against the starlit sky. “God, Eric you’re drunk.”

“No, I’m not.”

With one push, Eric unhooked Hyesung’s legs grappling his waist into place, and pressed the singer down. The smell of Hyesung’s faint cologne and the forgotten fish swelled under Eric’s nose, stronger than any aphrodisiac. Hyesung’s chestnut hair fell from its knot; a tangled disarray against the floor’s tessellated boards.

“Let me go!”

Eric does not know why he did what he did but pinning Hyesung down brought him a sense of satisfaction. He has always known within him, that teasing Hyesung will always be part of his blood. He just didn’t know how far he would take it. 

Eric spread both his hands under Hyesung’s ribs and put his hands under the singer’s shirt to feel skin. Hyesung’s stomach was warm due to two layers of clothing he wore. Hyesung with his head thrown back, saw literal stars, as the sun has completely set, and the celestial bodies has peeked out of the clouds. At the same time a dizzying feeling swept over him. He does not know what was happening right at the moment.

One minute, he is on top of Eric, ready to throw fists, and the next he is under him feeling weak and without strength.

“I like you. That’s why you are here.”

It came as a shy whisper in the dark, as if it is a long-held secret that was carefully passed down generations, leading up to the moment. Hyesung looked at Eric and saw an emotion he never saw the leader show him before: complete and utter vulnerability.

“Aside from the fact we need to talk about our future as a group, there is this uncertainty.”

Eric continued to splay his hands on top of the singer’s stomach, stopping Hyesung should he have a violent reaction. Both of them fooling themselves, saying it as purely a group business, when in reality, there is an unresolved tension that has been started a long time ago. All pretenses were stripped down exactly that moment he drunk-called him to come hours prior, how he scrambled into finding a suitable place for them to stay, how he bribed his superior for one night of break. Everything falls into place why Eric summoned Hyesung, why Hyesung came willingly, because it all unwittingly leads to this one stolen moment from all their years together, and the only one they will ever have.

“Don’t tell me you never felt it too.”

“I did. But I didn’t know you were serious”

“I am never not serious about Shinhwa.” They were whispering now, afraid to break the moment. “You included.”

Everything is happening so fast, so unexpected. Hyesung does not know how they will continue to proceed, as they are supposed to be in a fishing trip, just hanging out as friends, and suddenly, Eric’s confession sounds like the only thing that mattered at the moment, and Hyesung hates himself for it.

“Please let me up.” Hyesung whispered, avoiding Eric’s searching gaze. “This already came too late. We should be talking about Shinhwa.”

Eric knows exactly what Hyesung is feeling, as he is feeling it also within himself. Of all places, and instances to do it, it really has to be at a time there are more important things that should matter. As Eric has always perceived himself as a gentleman, and he does not want to force Hyesung in things he does not want, he let him go, getting off and sitting calmly beside Hyesung, who is still lying on the floor.

“I am sorry.”

“I am sorry, too. I should not have come.”

With that line, Eric felt a wound that he feels would never heal has bloomed in his heart. Hyesung too, feels, they won’t be the same anymore after this meeting. As the sky grew darker by the hour, and the stars continued to come out, the two fell deeper in strange and awkward silence.

It continued on in the morning, and when Hyesung bid his goodbye, Eric felt an irrevocable loss he could not explain, and could not share with anyone. Hyesung feels the same in return. The smell of fish, cedar, salt, and smoke won’t ever remind him of what it normally is. For Eric it will always be the moment he pinned Shin Hyesung that fateful day in May in the dark.